Chocolate by Death

Once summer, my mother and I were at a fair. There was some sort of fund raiser — I forget now what cause it was — and for ten dollars you could hold a baby lion or tiger, and have your picture taken with it.

I wanted to go so bad, and my mother said no, no, it's getting hot, let's not wait in line. I said please, please let me go.

"If I can hold a baby lion, I'll never be sad again," I told her.

Now, here is the part where I was gonna scan in the photo of me holding the baby lion, because what's funny about this story is that I was 38 at the time, and I know it sounds like I was, you know, four. But do you think I can find that DING and also DANG picture? When I packed up to move here, I put the picture in a book. I said to myself (and don't you hate people who say, "I said to myself, 'Self…' " Okay, stop. Stop now.), I said, this is a good idea. The picture won't get crinkled, and I will find it some day when I am rereading this book.

I just spent the last hour, opening every book in this entire house. I have dust up my nose holes, and my legs hurt from squatting. I cannot find that picture ANYWHERE! I did discover that we own a copy of Look Homeward Angel, though, which I have always wanted to read, particularly now that I am in North Carolina.

This is turning into the longest story ever.

My POINT is that holding that baby lion was the happiest moment of my whole life. I know that is a terrible thing to tell you. I should say it was the day I met Marvin Gardens, or the day I got my diploma or the day I got lipo. But no. Really? My wedding day was a wonderful day*, and it's for sure my best day, but as for moments? Holding the baby lion was really it.

I have, however, been sad since then, and my mother has to point out all the time that I promised her if we stood in that hot line to hold that baby lion, I'd never be sad again. Okay, so maybe I was exaggerating a tad. Has my mother ever met me? Geez.

Today, before I exhausted myself looking for that picture, I got home from my pressing four-hour workday, and I got out of my car and went straight to the mailbox, and I am delighted to tell you that NetFlix sent me not one but TWO DVDs of Six Feet Under, with which I am obsessed. It was all I could do not to squeal.

Just then, a red truck pulled into my driveway, and one of the parishioners at church brought me an enormous piece of dark chocolate cake with dark chocolate frosting that his wife had just made. She made him take me over a piece. Wives are wonderful people.

So, I am sorry to report that I had ANOTHER unhealthy eating moment today, which I know isn't very inspirational of me. I promise I will do better tomorrow and I am going to run today right after Miss Lilly time.

But really? Between you, me and all the other people reading this? Sitting there, eating my dark chocolate cake and watching Six Feet Under? Two things I did not know I would be doing when the day began?

Right up there with baby lion day.

*(Perhaps had Marvin actually looked at me when I walked down the aisle on our wedding day, that might have been a nice moment. But seeing as I looked at the back of his HEAD all the way down, no.) (Oh, he is gonna be so happy I brought this up. This is like how every time I meet one of my father's friends, I waste no time telling them how he cut off all my hair when I was two and had my cat put down when I was six.)

13 thoughts on “Chocolate by Death

  1. I’m reading this post oh, so late and maybe commenting for the first time, but I had to tell you this:
    My husband didn’t look at me as I walked down the aisle 10+ years ago, and I AM STILL NOT OVER IT. AT ALL. His stupid brother said, “Don’t look, dude,” and so he didn’t. GAH.
    Maybe we should start a support group.


  2. Okay, not as dangerous/scary/whatever as a lion or a tiger, but I’m a wimp, and one of the best moments of MY life was getting to pet a penguin at the zoo. Their feathers are so tiny & close together that it feels like fur. Also, my husband really did look at me as I walked down the aisle, so that pushes the penguin thing down a bit. Plus, he’s a good in-public kisser, so that moment was good too.


  3. One of my all-time favorite memories is holding a baby tiger – and I got to do it for free…when I was – like – 41. I woulda knocked over my grandmother to do that. I melted into a big ol’ puddle of goo when the not-so-little fella started flexing his paws and purring.
    Thanks for reminding me of that great memory!
    And some days you just gotta eat the cake.


  4. Six Feet Under is my favorite show of all time. I loved the ending, soooooooooo much! Please let us know what you think after you see it. Thanks.


  5. Hi June. I have no comment to make but, just wanted you to know I was here. I am nosey. I checked your sitemeter. And, I wanted to see who that coffee chick girl is. The end.
    Oh, glad you had a really great day.


  6. Thank goodness Netflix feeds you Six Feet Under disc by disc. I got each season out from the library and would watch a SEASON in about 36 hours. It’s an addiction, seriously.
    And then the last episode was so good, so bittersweet, I cried in bed for half a day. So, you might want to schedule accordingly when you come to that episode.


  7. LOL were you reading my blog when I wrote about asking myself, self? That’s an inside joke amongst us kids who went to high school together. We had a trig teacher and that was her schtick. So every once in a while I do it for nostalgic purposes!
    Anyhow – eat what you want – just kick some arse on the treadmill. Good luck June!


  8. OH, June…Six Feet Under is the BEST. Just want to warn you. The very last episode made me SOB. Big, gasping sobs. Just sayin’.
    That chocolate cake doesn’t sound too shabby, either!
    Will have you know, that right up there, as well, with holding a baby lion is what I got to do today. One of my friends, as I told you, just got a baby golden Retriever puppy snickerdoodle pie. I got to take him for a walk today!
    Can I just say for the record, there is no other singularly joyful experience like taking a puppy out for a walk. The world is his oyster and EVERYONE loves him! Even our surly mailman got all soft and gushy when he saw little baby Bear.
    Thought I’d share!
    Love ya, June!


  9. Hi There June,
    I haven’t been online much this year so I have to catch up on your blog. I’m excited that your doing a health blog this year. Today I promised myself that I would only eat healthy food because yesterday, I fell victim to a Krispy Kreme. But as I sit here at my place of employment I am wanting to strangle whoever just made microwave popcorn. That stuff should be illegal in the workplace. Second hand popcorn smell–mmmmmm.
    But the real reason I’m writing to you is to let you and your readers know that if anyone is looking to add a puppy to their home, there is a new litter of Icelandic Sheepdogs available. This is a very rare breed, especially in this country and I happen to be the proud owner of one. These aren’t my puppies. In fact, I don’t actually know the person who has the litter but they are related to my dog. (I think they are his neices and nephews.) My dog is a dream. He’s smart and beautiful and well mannered. But the most amazing thing is that he is so gentle and kind. I have two young kids that just torment him and he has never been anything but patient with them. The breed is slightly smaller than a boarder collie. (Sorry if I don’t know the correct capitalization protocol for the breed.) They are a herding dog, so they are active, but when he is indoors, he is usually quiet and calm. Anyway, I’ve had my dog for just over a year and I can’t say enough good things about him or other Icelandics that I’ve met. Here’s the link:
    Take a look at the video, June. I know you’ll fall in love.


  10. ROFL. You crack me up! If it makes you feel any better we (my husband and I) had lunch with a friend in midtown Atlanta, had a wonderful veggie wrap and then on the way home we stopped and ate a Chick-fil-A icecream. I suppose I could count that as my milk for the day.


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