June's stupid life · Times I Amused My Own Self

In which you learn too much about my nethers

When my underwear had no elastic, I knew it was gonna be a stupid day.

I was late, for a change. Freezing in our laundry room, which is basically a back porch with windows on it, I put on the first pair of underwear that I pulled from the Vesuvius pile on the dryer.

"Why isn't the right side, you know, hanging on?" I wondered. It was just kind of flapping at my side. In the breeze. For a brief, shining moment, I thought maybe I had lost weight. But really, the elastic had just frizzled out of that side, rendering it sort of helpless. It was kind of like my underwear had had a stroke.

I put them on anyway. It was 8:01 and I am supposed to BE at work at 8:00.

Dashing out the door, I flumped my coffee cup onto the space between the car seats. Do not ask me why I decided to pull the emergency brake once I parked at work. Do not ask me the expletives I came up with as the coffee cup shot up and spewed coffee all over the car.

Running and trying to subtly push my flippy undergarment to its rightful place, I did notice that we have a bird's nest in one of our trees at the church. Those of you who read my blog last year know how I get about bird nests. I am so pitching a tent, so to speak, under that tree. There was ONE bright spot today.

Once inside, it didn't take long before my elastic-free pants decided to revisit all the old familiar places, so crankily I headed to the bathroom to revamp myself.

The single toilet in the women's room was hissing and carrying on, so with my fine mechanical abilities, I took the lid off the tank and jiggled everything. You will be surprised to hear this did not result in, well, anything, so I called the repairman.

How long do you think it took me between realizing the one toilet was broken and feeling like I absolutely, with an intensity unbeknownst to me in this life, had to use the facilities? It took about seven seconds, that's how long.

Now, there is a men's toilet. And I do not know why I am Prissy Fusspants of Squeamytown, but I simply could not make myself go in there, no matter how miserable I had made myself at this point. I kept saying, "June, this is psychological. You do not really have to go. Soon the repairman will be here and you can piddle to your heart's content. Now, go to work."

Well. Ten minutes of alternating between pulling at my underpants and dancing around — it was less the macarena and more the Make-A-Rain-A — I left a huge sign on the church door: WENT HOME TO PEE. PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE. BE RIGHT BACK.

I can assure you that everybody in town read the sign and simultaneously envisioned me on the pot.

And what a sight I was when I got home, coat flapping behind me, spike heels clacking on my stone walk. It was like I was a racing greyhound, but there was a toilet in front of me instead of a bunny.

When I got back to work, I realized that I had run so fast that I have thrown out my back. I do not know how bad it is gonna get.

It is noon, folks. Noon. My back's broke, my bladder has exploded, and my underwear is addicted to crack.

This day has become a country song. It is a stupid day.

24 thoughts on “In which you learn too much about my nethers

  1. you are able to say what most all of us think but are a little to reserved to say to the world. you must be a free spirit. I just don’t let anybody but my husband, know that I really don’t wear panties. Unless of course it’s a dress. Now don’t we all let one loose while than is no one around to hear it or smaell it. But you do admit to it. You are too funny


  2. Yes, I say channel your inner Britney and go panty-less. Do it and just let the wild side out.
    And the men’s room? I’d let my kidneys explode before I’d ever pee in there. Right with you.


  3. That is quite possibly the funniest thing I have every read. Laughing burns calories, you know. Ergo, you helped me in my weightloss goals. Thank you.


  4. All I ever do in you comment section is gush about how wonderful you are and how much you make me laugh. I cannot come up with one singular clever thing to say ‘cept for I’m picturing you on the pot.


  5. I can hardly type for laughing. I’m roaring! My husband thinks I’ve lost it. The entire post is a crack up! ROFLOL!!!! Duck tape could have solved the underwear that had the stroke, until you could get home and have had a retirement ceremony for them. When I have to go, I have to go. I don’t care if the sign says, “Men” or “Women”. It’s not unusual to have my husband posted outside the men’s RR for me to use it. “…my underwear is addicted to crack.” That takes the cake.


  6. Hey, don’t feel bad. I thought my yoga pants felt funny this morning. I was at the gym and all over town, then came home to pee, and…. you got it, they were on backwards! No one was kind enough to point that out to me, of course.


  7. ” It was kind of like my underwear had had a stroke.”
    oh glory. if only we could find ways to work that phrase into conversation more frequently, life would be a bit more awesome. haha.


  8. I can’t remember where I found your blog, but I am SO happy I did. I laugh out loud every time I read it. My husband thinks I am a nut. I don’t care, because you are hysterical. Thank you giving me a great laugh every day. You go girl!


  9. You are too funny, girl.
    When you went home to pee, why didn’t you change your underwear to a pair with some elasticity? Guess you were in too much of a hurry to get your pee on. :o)
    I hate stupid days. I felt like that yesterday when I whacked my forehead on the closet door jamb. At least it’s only annoying stuff going wrong, right?


  10. OMG!!! You are TOO FUNNY! Thanks for the pick-up. It’s snowing all day here (bleh!)but will only amount to about 5″, give or take. Not bad except for the people who live in Michigan and forget how to drive in ding-danged snow! The day can only get better for you now!


  11. If you’re under a dress, you’re not nekkid! 🙂 I say goodbye panties, hello afternoon. And get thee some good coffee, stat, and possibly a brownie to make up for the terrible morning.
    The Make-a-Rain-a is going to have me cracking up all day! Good luck.


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