I'm sitting here in my new pink rain boots, trying to put off taking Tallulah on her walk. It is COLD out. And also rainy. Why would you even WANT to go out there if you were naked except for a pink leopard collar? And yet that is how I am going to walk her. No, no.
Tallulah is alternating between looking at me with her head tilted and her eyebrows going up and also attacking the cat. How do dogs perfect that sad eyebrow thing so early in life?
And in case you were going to call Animal Services, I have taken her out for the bathroom portion of her midday, so she is not out there crossing her legs or anything. It is just the big walk part that has her checking her dog Blackberry. Her Dingleberry, as it were. "Let's see. Hmm, no, I'm not wrong. We haven't had the brisk walk yet. Sigh. Guess I'll bite Winston again."
"Meaaaaa. Meaaaaaa. MeaaarrrOWOOWOWO!"
So this is relaxing.
But I did want to check in and say hello and mention that my favorite holiday is tomorrow and I am really taking a chance mentioning it, but truthfully most people who actually know me in real life do not read my blog. I think the novelty of my personality wore off for them a long time ago, and they see no reason to revisit me in written form when they are stuck with the real me.
So this is why I can pretty safely tell you this. And everyone who knows me is girding their loins or else blissfully unaware, and it is the unawaresters I hope to catch tomorrow.
I began liking April Fool's Day as a kid, but I was pretty low-key about it. We'd call my gramma, tell her we won the lottery, say "April fool!" and that'd be the end of it. Now, it takes me about 12 hours of my day, as I try to get people first thing in the morning, and I know many people in various time zones.
You gotta get them early, before (a) they see a calendar and (b) my stupid OTHER friends and family remember to call and warn them. I hate people who do that. Once I called a friend in Finland to tell him his girlfriend (my friend Donna) was having an affair. With me. I figured Finland, I'm TOTALLY safe there. They probably don't even HAVE April Fool's Day there.
So I told him I had terrible news, and he said in his Finnish way, "June. I know it is April the first. Donna already told me you would call."
Now see? Crap.
The best April Fool's I have had to date is 1985. I managed to get my father AND my mother in the same year. I told my mother that my stepsister, who was in 7th grade, wanted to get married.
Now, my stepsister is really, really smart, went to the gifted and talented special school and in 7th grade she was, like, nine. Yet somehow I managed to convince my mother of this ridiculous idea. (See? THAT's the fun. You make someone believe something SO outlandish, like you've dyed your hair to match the cat's, or you're gonna appear on The Tonight Show or something.)
After I listened to my mother say, "Oh, honey, I'm sick. I'm just sick" 705 times and I got to say April fool and giggle, I called my father and told him I joined the army.
His classic reply: "You can't even play badminton. Why do you think you'll make it in the ARMY?" I kept telling him they were gonna send me to Europe, and I had already dropped out of college. Oh! The hilarity.
I do not plan these things ahead of time. Whatever inspires me on that day is what I'll do. And I alternate who I call, and sometimes people will call at the end of the day to say they were disappointed I didn't call them.
I got my mother-in-law like nine years in a row (the best year was when I told her the makeup artist Kevin Aucion was going to come do our makeup for my wedding! Teee!) but she has finally caught on. But for nine good years, after I'd say April fool, it was so much fun to hear her say, "Oh, you little witch" before I hung up the phone.
And by the way? Do not even TRY to fool me. It is my day. They should just change it to June is a Fool Day. I am sure my loved ones would gladly spearhead the campaign to call it that.