Health · June's stupid life · My pets

Health, schmealth

Weim_2Today, Tallulah slept on top of a Weimaraner puppy, which you have to admit sounds kind of fun. They told me this today when I came to get her from dog day care.

I am pleased she has made a friend her own age, although I should note that neither of them are fixed yet and I hope I do not have a passel of brats in nine months or however long dogs gestate. Although half-Weimaraner/half-Labs would be pretty cute. Still.

Apparently, Lula is now old enough to get fixed, at five months. Who knew she'd be sluttin' around this early?

In other news, why didn't anyone tell me that once you buy a house they send you 9 million pieces of junk mail a day? Ooo, I'll bet they're mad we haven't hooked up a phone here yet.

I just spent 80 billion dollars buying a home. Why would you think I'd now be in the mood to buy life insurance? Again, like the spam. Who is BUYING these things?

So, tomorrow is May, which means it will be time for me to weigh my bad self and take my measurements anew. I have not planned any new health activity for May, since I have been so bad at doing any of the activities I had set up for February or March. Or April. Did I even think of a health activity for April? Is buying a house, starting a job, moving to a new city and living apart from one's spouse a health activity? Cause if so I am SET.

So, anyone have any ideas? Should I try mediation again? Yoga? Green tea? What? Tell me.

Friends · June's stupid life · My pets

Business Casual in the Front, Party in the Back

I wonder how many times a day I say, "What are ya chewin'?" Really, having a dog is a whole 'nother life.

I am home from work, typing you in my work clothes. My business casual attire. I am wearing gray pants and a black ribbed turtleneck because it was like 17 degrees today. Okay, it was 50, but still.

It seemed like every woman at work similarly had on gray pants and a black shirt today. It was that kind of day.

At 10:00 and 3:00, I have been walking with these two other people from my department. I work on a large piece of land, and there are several buildings that belong to us. So as we walk, the other people taking breaks all wave to us as we go by. Those people are generally out smoking. It is like they get to watch a little health parade twice a day. "Here come the healthy people. Puuuuuuhhhhhh."

The "puuuuhhhh" was supposed to be smoke blowing. Did you like that? Did you like my onomatopoeia?

This reminds me of when my friend Sleeping Beauty and I were in college. There was a ridiculous workout video called The Firm, and could it have been any harder to do? And do I still know the whole tape by heart to this day? "Welcome to The Firm. Beginners? Don't. Use. Weights. Are you ready to break a good sweat? Inhale deeply, relevé…"

Anyway, needless to say I used to be obsessed with it, so much so that I BROUGHT the stupid tape over to SLEEPING BEAUTY's so we could do it together. So there we were, breaking a good sweat and relevé-ing, while her roommate smoked on the couch and told us how stupid we were.

Who's stupid NOW, Aqua Lung?

Actually, me, because that tape ruined my knees FOR LIFE.

In other pressing news, Tallulah had her first day with a dog walker. She just was not liking dog day care, although I am still dragging her blond arse there once a week, just to try to get her over her repulsion to other dogs. I guess she is more of a cat person.

At any rate, the dog walker left me a nice note letting me know what came out of Lula today, and also an itinerary of where they walked. In case I had spies out looking. Lula seemed pretty happy when I came home, although I have to tell you, Exhausted Tallulah Who Comes Home From Day Care is kind of a relief. It's less like I have a dog to deal with and more like I have a tomato. Or maybe a sock. She is just so TIRED after day care. But I am not certain it is a good kind of tired.

I guess that's all my news. I am going back to Tiny Town this weekend, as I miss my cats so much I could spit. I was gardening this past weekend, and I was thinking how if I had my cats, one of them would have sauntered up to me all sleepily, the sun in his eyes, and roll roll rolled in the dirt I was digging.

I'm with Lula. Cats rock.

June's stupid life

Jack, Rose, Ziggy

We have a veeedeo camera on our computer! When I got home tonight, Marvin had made me a little movie and it was all set up here. Oh, get your mind out your shorts. Not THAT kind of movie. If so, I’d have totally posted it here. I wonder if I can post videos on this blog? Oh, how cool. I am so glad our computer completely crashed and we had to spend 47 thousand dollars on a new one.

What if my computer would’ve broken last year, during my no-spending blog? Would I have just not continued to blog?

Oh. And I wrote "veedeo" because that is how my grandmother used to pronounce "video." I have no idea why. But now after all these years of poking fun at her, I can’t say it the right way anymore. I also have made fun of someone for saying "big bone-ded" for so many years that I can no longer say big boned, either.

Speaking of which, in my usual 800,000 spams today, someone wanted me to buy their product so I would have "a Titanic member." Now, I understand the Titanic was big, and certainly I want a very large member, but do they realize the Titanic also…sank? I mean, it sank dramatically. Is this really what I want for my "ship"? Do I want Rose and Jack desperately clinging to life and all that?

Who makes MONEY from those spams, is what I want to know. Does anyone really buy these things?

And by the way, does anyone think I went out and ran yesterday? It rained dogs and dogs all day. I am so behind on the running.

In fact, I had better go because it has been raining peacocks and guinea hens (what does raining cats and dogs mean, anyway?) all day, and I have to slip in a Tallulah walk while it is merely gloomy. We will be walking with clouds over our heads like we’re Ziggy.

In closing, in conclusion (did you ever have to write a speech for high school? Why did we always write, "In conclusion"? What a phony thing to say) Rue was nice enough to give me a creativity award today. I never think of myself as creative because I don’t know how to scrapbook. Is that sort of a narrow idea of what constitutes creativity? Am I uncreative because the only example of creativity I have is scrapbooking? Is my award going to be revoked?

Anyway, thank you, Rue. Now YOUR site is creative. It’s pretty, I like the music, and I had peanut butter and jelly for lunch today. But I can’t even shear pinkingly.

Health · June's stupid life · Marvin · My pets

Yes, Anthony, this is a health blog. Every month or so.

It is Sunday morning and I am in my cherry pajamas, which kind of match my blog design, thereby making me completely loser-licious.

Today, according to my running schedule, I have to run six miles. Fortunately I now have a computer again, so I can find a track. This is a college town, after all, so maybe I could go run with the college kids. I'm sure that won't be humiliating, although I will probably be the only runner who didn't ingest a keg last night, so.

Once in college we bought green keg beer because it was deeply discounted, seeing as it was the week after St. Patrick's Day. Did we think we'd scored a deal! Man! "Dude, this week-old green beer was $12! For the KEG!" Suze Orman highly recommends this technique.

I remember drinking beer till dawn:30, sleeping an hour and a half, going to Denny's for a Grand Slam, then going to the gym like it was normal. I also recall that I weighed 122. I hate everything.

People keep saying I should take Tallulah running with me, but you can't run a puppy because it ruins their hips or something. I do not know how this could be true, considering she will run in the back yard till her tongue falls off, but I am not going to chance it.

We went to the dog park yesterday, which are in the middle of these cool woods here. You have to walk past a duck and goose preserve to get to the dog park, and you can imagine how simple that is with a Lab puppy in tow. Walk, walk, walk, STOP. POINT! POINT! STARE! STAND REALLY STIFFLY!Okay. Walk, walk, STOP! Sniff high in the air! Point! Point! POINNNNNT!

All the Jack Russels and poodles just cruise on by, excited to get to the dog park, but not the Pointer Sister, over here.

At any rate, there was a mean dog there. He was on a leash, and he didn't come in, but he was so scary. He was snarling and showing his teeth and barking like a wild man. Everyone in the park was appalled, and kept saying things to the tiny woman trying to hold this dog back.

I am sorry to tell you that out of all the mastiffs, German shepherds and full-grown Labs in the dog park, it was Lula who went up to the fence and said, "BARK!" at the insane, mean dog.

This is not good. I am pleased she asserted herself, but sometimes one needs to remain under the radar. At any rate, we waited till Cujo was long gone before we exited.

Marvin had to buy a lawn mower yesterday. We have never had to care for a lawn before, so we never had a lawn mower. And did he come back with one of those old-fashioned push mowers, the kind with no electricity or whatever?

Grandpa called. Said even he hasn't used one of those since 1950.

I have to tell you a habit of Marvin's. He always buys the cheapest thing possible, gets disappointed with the results, then goes out and buys something normal, thereby increasing the price of everything by about a third.

So he went out early this morning to "mow" the lawn. It was kind of like he was someone on The Flintstones, using some prehistoric tool with an animal attached to it. I kept expecting his "lawn mower" to make a wisecrack, and for the background to be the same over and over again.

Two hours later, he came in looking like a tomato, and said, "Okay, I'm getting a real lawn mower this week." He said a lot of hot-looking women with baby strollers came by and said how manly he was pushing that thing, and he told them all he was saving the environment. Mmm-hmmm. Now next week he will look like a wimpy eco-terrorist.

Also, I keep forgetting to tell you — and perhaps I "forgot" because I HAD NO COMPUTER — that I was so traumatized this week that I didn't eat for several days. They took me out to lunch on my first day and they must think I have an eating disorder. I literally took two bites of soup and was done. This is just how I stress.

So I have lost about five pounds, which will come back on immediately. I am, however, bringing my lunch to work to save calories and money, and also there is a good salad bar at a grocery store nearby, so if I forget lunch I am set. It's easier to get to that store than it is to go to the 110 fast food places, so that's good.

I have to go clean the house for the dog walker's visit. This means putting the empty cardboard boxes in neat order.

Smell ya.

Dooce envy · Faithful Readers · June's stupid life · Marvin · My pets

Back in a Black Mood

Job called. Wants his problems back.

You guys, SERIOUSLY. We just went out, at eight o'clock at night, and bought a BRAND NEW computer, which by the way is NOT pink, and STILL we can't get that one to work. Do not even ask me what the problem is, as Marvin is back to speaking in Fs and I have always thought computers were a fad. Which is what I also thought about rap.

I am typing you on Marvin's work computer, so if you work for the Board of Education, please do not fire Marvin. This is an emergency.

I have not been able to check email for six days. I went to my orientation where they said the Internet is for work only and I really didn't think flouting that in week one was a pretty idea, which one of you also mentioned.

Oh, it was dreadful. How did I live the first 27 years of my life with no email? And no blogs?

It was only last night that I heard the shocking news about Star Jones' divorce. I do not like being cut off from the national news in this fashion. And does anyone think he's going to meet a nice girl soon? Was there ANYONE on this earth who did not know that man was gay as a goose from the get-go OTHER than poor Star Jones?

Star Jones. There's being a name.

You have no idea how much I wanted to log onto iGoogle all week at work. Oh, the good and evil on my shoulders. Goofus and Gallant in my brain. "Do it!"  "No, don't do it!" "Who cares if I get fired?" "You will, once you're actually fired!" "I can be famous for being fired, like Dooce!"

And so on.

And Mary Ellen from Napa, you need to put down the tin foil. And perhaps the ganga. I promise I have not been kidnapped in any way. I have just been here, trying not to do the nervous talking thing when I meet new people at work. I already asked one coworker when he was going to invite me over to see his new house, and he has avoided me ever since.

Tallulah does NOT like doggie day care. She keeps trembling once we get there. When I come back at the end of the day, she is sort of better, but the whole point was to make her happy, not sort of better, which is kind of what my parents thought about camp and I shook through that, too.

So tomorrow this woman is coming who is a professional dog walker. She is coming to do an intake and observe Lula's aura or something. I'm still gonna try dog day care on Wednesdays to see if she warms up to it, and we will continue to do the dog park, which I haven't even TOLD you about because I have been Internetless and living like the Little Match Girl, over here.

Have I mentioned it's been dreadful?

Also, I have had no phone book, which makes sense since I have no phone here, either. And did I mention there was no cable, as well? Did I mention I have clipped this dog's nails, taught her to "leave it," brushed her, bathed her and tied a bow to her leash this week? She is like one of those giant Barbie heads you could put makeup on, except for the part where she's got the rest of her dog body and is not partial to french braids.

At any rate, I am sort of back. I am assuming Marvin will get the DING DANG real computer,  which we just spent eleven million dollars on, up and running. Otherwise I am getting my church job back so I can blog.

Thanks to all of you for checking in and for coming up with conspiracy theories. I read all my emails and giggled and laughed and cavorted and carried on.

Thank goodness for the Internet.

June's stupid life · Marvin

Broke Computer Mountain

Oh for the love of lettuce.  I've never been so glad to be inside anyone's computer.

Our stupid computer is completely broken.  We have to buy a new one.  I'm in my car, driving home from work, dictating to the Gardensalad. 

I know since we last spoke we bought a house, started a new job, Tallulah stared day care, and Marvin and I live apart.  But what you must know is that a cat got stuck on my roof the other night.  He didn't just get stuck on my roof, he got stuck in the rain.  The fact that I'm talking to you is a miracle, because I tried everything on earth to save that cat.

I stood on a rickety chair in the wet mud, I tried to scale the side of the house like Spiderman, and I even took a giant heavy door to try to make a plank for the cat.  Finally I decided I should see if he could get down on his own, and ten seconds later, he did.

Tallulah and I had a couple of difficult days.  As soon as she got to doggie daycare, she shivered and peed on the floor.  Then when I got to work, I basically did the same thing.  But we seem to be adjusting, and tomorrow is casual Friday, so she and I will both wear jeans.

So keep in mind I can't read any of your comments.  My mother-in-law read me back the last 2o comments; shout-out to the mother-in-law!

I hope you are all doing well, and the Coffee Gal is getting her coffee, and the Nester is getting her nest on, and so forth.

Any mistakes in this blog are Marvin's fault.

June's stupid life · Marvin · My pets · Photo essays

Fences and other F words


Marvin "Could I be any crankier" Gardensalad put up the rest of the fence today, so Lula could have free reign. She and I came back from a walk, where we met three small children who want to put a bow in her hair next time, and Marvin said, "She can go."



It took her a minute to realize she was attached to nothing. And then…


She was ridiculous.


She ran like that for about 20 minutes, then came inside and drank water for 107. Now she is fast asleep at my feet.

Anyway, obviously I found the camera, so here is Mr. Good Mood himself. He is having trouble installing the washer. I have heard the "F" word so many times today that I keep thinking Ozzy is in there with him.


I am going to need people's help re this yard. I have never had to take care of a yard in my life. How do you know what's a weed and what isn't? How do you take care of monkey grass? There are bare patches in the lawn; how do you plant grass?

I will go out and photograph all the foliage as soon as I can, then I need tips on what everything is and how to care for it.


Here is the neighbor's tree, which is on our driveway. Isn't it BEAUTIFUL how it is pink and also white? It's like the acrylic nail tip of trees.


Do you like how we've decorated the dining room? Nothing says elegant like an ironing board and a clothes hamper. Through the door is Marvin, fixing the washer, throwing out the Fs.

At least someone is upbeat.


June's stupid life · Times I Amused My Own Self

Well, we’re movin’ on up.

I am here in our new computer room, which is off our kitchen, which by the way Lilliput called. They want their kitchen back.

Okay, I knew our new kitchen was small, and what did I care since all I ever make in the kitchen is coffee and haste. But MAN, is it small. The microwave will NOT fit in there. And I will take pictures when I find the camera. Trust me, I will have to use a telephoto lens to find the kitchen. Perhaps I will need one of those Hubble telescopes to locate it. Is there more than one Hubble telescope? Probably not.

Anyway, it is the end of the day and Tallulah is passed out and so is Marvin. I am in my sock monkey pajamas writing to you.

This house is so cute! I forgot how cute it is. And birds? Our yard is SICK with birds. I will have to bell Winston when he gets here. Some friends from Tiny Town gave us a cute bird house as a going-away gift, and I put it into one of our 750,000 trees and I swear I already saw a bird checking it out. Calling his wife on his bird cell phone.

What cell phone company do you think birds use? AT&Tweet? They probably just look for the cheepest rate. BAH!

I am funny even in Greensboro.

And let's talk about how much I LOVE LOVE LOVE ding-dang Greensboro. I already went to Harris Teeter where they had Pelligrino and FIJI Water. I got both, just cause I could. And yes, FIJI is all caps when referring to the water.

I saw men with tattoos, some women who if they are not lesbians they had better start reading Vogue and step on it, and also I saw Thai restaurants, Indian restaurants and even an acupuncture place! Wooo!

Tallulah and I went on a dress-rehearsal drive to the dog day care and then to my job. We got to dog day care okay, but coming back from my work we got lost and ended up at the corner of Crip and Blood. Man! I'm gonna try again tomorrow, using MapQuest and not stupid Google Maps.

Let's talk about doggie day care. It is so cool there. You walk in to this big room filled with pretentious dog things: treats that look like human treats, hippie dog food that costs $475 a bag which of course I bought, yin-yang collars. And then there is a window, and when you look in, you see all the doggies playing! They separate them by size and energy. I held Lula up to the window and she was so excited. All the dogs rushed up and smiled at her.

Then the cutest long-haired boy you ever saw came out and said, "Who have we here?" and he picked up Lula and you have never seen her so calm. She squinted, totally squinted, with happiness. She loves this guy already.

There is a webcam you can go on to see the dogs all day, and if I can finagle it, I am gonna have it on this blog, so we can all check Lula out at day care.

Anyway, we are going back tomorrow and I am going to leave her there for two hours, just to get her used to the idea before I leave her there Monday. I can't help but wonder if Dr. Laura disapproves of dog day care like she does person day care. Dr. Laura can bite me.

Last night, in my last night in Tiny Town, some friends had us over for dinner. Not that they are cannibals. Anyway, they served really good food, which we had on the porch. We all sat on enormous rockers (I don't mean we sat on Meat Loaf) under the shade of a giant old magnolia tree. It could not have been a more Southern evening. There was even chess pie. It was the perfect way to leave Tiny Town. I really will miss it.

I had better turn in, as I am exhausted. I will never move again. Too emotionally taxing. Too annoying. Too discombobulating, walking into a room and realizing you have no idea where the light switch is. At least in the kitchen, you just open the fridge and it basically lights the room. Have I mentioned the kitchen is petite?

Family · Friends · June's stupid life

Put off posting to persue pasta, pesto and pansies

Perhaps you're thinking, "I wonder if that June is ever gonna post anything today." Perhaps you are living your life and you hadn't even noticed I'd posted nothing today.

Today was a busy day. There was very little health going on.

Here is first thing this morning, when everyone jumped on the unmade bed. Did you notice in my extremely scientific survey that it was just about 50/50 of people who did and didn't make the bed?


I had to pack today, for the whole moving to Greensboro. I packed sheets, my old coffee maker, work clothes and a pen. That about sums it up.

Marvin needs stuff here, too, so we have to split everything up, like we're getting divorced, without the getting-to-date-new-people part. I made sure to take HALF the forks, and to leave him a large number of bowls. I took one tube of toothpaste, and left him the other. It was all very nit-picky.

Also today, I went to see Miss Lilly for the last time. Tomorrow the van will be here and I was worried I wouldn't have time for her. I am sorry to tell you the goodbye was sort of anticlimactic. I thanked her for letting me read to her, and told her how much fun I had, and she said, "Me, too! Okay, bye!"

I think this may have had something to do with the fact that I came at an unusual time, and she had been watching her stories. So she was kind of okay, heifer, smell ya. One Life to Live is on. Maybe she'll miss me tomorrow at our regular time.

I also had my final Garden Club meeting. It was funny, because we went around the town changing out the flowers we had planted back in October, at my first Garden Club meeting. (In case anyone is worried sick, we replaced pansies with begonias.)

Also, just like my first meeting, there were ham biscuits.

The Garden Club gave me some beautiful note cards with photos of flowers on them as a little going-away. I asked them all to drive up some meeting and landscape my yard as that month's task. They ignored me.

Then, Tallulah, Marvin and I went out to the country, as opposed to this urban metropolis here, and had dinner with a couple we have come to know and love. They live way out, on 20 acres of farmland that has been in their family forever, in an old cool house with bead board and hardwoods and crystal doorknobs and basically I spent the whole night trying to mate with their house.

Before dinner, we took a big walk across all their property (and by the way, they had these FAKE SNAKES scattered here and there to scare me. Mother of Pearl, it scared me every time. Bluch.), and could Tallulah have had a better time? She kept LEAPING through the wheat fields and was so excited she was going "Raaaaa, raaaa, raaaaaahhh" trying to break off of her leash. Also, these friends have a beautiful orange cat named Rusty that she was trying to snack on.

I am pleased to tell you that she did manage to clean out Rusty's cat box later. If you know what I mean.

Dogs are disgusting.

Anyway, at least that part of today was healthy. We had really, really good salads, and delish pasta with pesto, and French bread with some sort of salsa-y dip that if I were remotely sophisticated I'd know what we had, and man, it was good. I mean, that with cat poop makes a complete meal.

So now we are home, and Marvin is already asleep with all his clothes on, and Winston is eating the bag my new work clothes came in, and really I think tomorrow will be just as dinglity danglity busy.

One Life to Live is on. Smell ya, heifer.

Family · Health · June's stupid life · My pets

Feet and teeth

How much do I heart y'all? It is nice to have friends, even tho you wouldn't know me if I spit on you. Thanks for cheering me up. I do feel better.

My favorite comment was the woman who said if her husband had a bad day at work, it meant someone couldn't see, but my bad day means I have a ".?"

Anyway, the dentist was not bad at all. I went to one in Charlotte, because I am a snob. It was in a fancy neighborhood! Man! The houses there must cost two hundred thousand dollars!

Now I'm just being obnoxious to annoy my LA friends. Really, though, it was a fancy part of Charlotte called Mint Hill, which seemed to contain no hills and no mint. I chewed the ground in several places. Nothing.

The dentist had to do some drilling, but he didn't have to numb me and it didn't hurt. I grind my teeth something fierce, and I wear a sexy night guard, but apparently I grind them during the day, which I think means I need to look into more relaxing hobbies such as yoga or heroin. He had to smooth out the many places I have chipped my teeth, which again? Alluring. Relaxed, is what I am.

Then, when I got home, Tallulah sauntered to the door with complete dignity, sat down and smiled at me with her blindingly white puppy teefs. This makes me think she read my blog while I was gone and said, "Holy mackinerny. I'd better be good today." And she was. She was nice all day. She didn't even pull on her leash, nor did she put it in her mouth and try to walk herself.

And who is giggling at the thought of her sitting like a person in this chair, clicking with her claws to get to my blog? "Buybuypye….no. Hmmm. Okay, bibipi…. woof! crap! okay. biybiypiy….grrrrrrr…."

My Aunt Mary, the one who has seasonal jewelry, called me today to say she has bought Tallulah a Christmas present. It is APRIL.

Who is excited she has another person to shop for? You think she got Lula seasonal jewelry?

My Aunt Mary, who started doing pottery as a hobby to keep her off QVC for seven minutes a week, has become sort of wildly successful and award-winning and stuff. She has a new website, and I am going to plug it, because I know you are over there thinking she is making coffee mugs and ceramic clowns, and I need you to go over and see how fricking weird and cool her stuff really is. Then I want a psychological assessment of her. Discuss.

Finally, tomorrow is my weekly Chic Critique 'column.' I have no idea what I am going to talk about tomorrow, because I sent dcrmom about 87 posts in advance, knowing that things will be nutty for me in the weeks to come. So I will be discussing body hair or lipstick or rabbit stew or calculus or something.

Oh! I almost forgot! The other day I told you I had to run a time trial and I had no idea what it was. All it required was a simple five-minute walk followed by a five-minute run then four acceleration gliders and a three-minute walk and a one-mile run which had to be timed and then a warm-down, which involved doing all those things in reverse.

Okay, Jeff Galloway? I am certain you are my demographic, and that you check this blog daily. This is why I feel it is appropriate to address you directly and say HOW IN THE SAM HILL DO YOU EXPECT ANYONE TO REMEMBER ALL THAT? I had to tape a list to my treadmill, and he doesn't even WANT you to do a time trial on the treadmill.

Jeff Galloway, we are a dumb people, we Americans. Only 50% of us can find the U.S. on a map (I am, sadly, not making that up). We can't find our OWN LAND, Jeff Galloway. WHY, then, do you think we can remember a five-minute walk followed by a five-minute run then four acceleration gliders and a three-minute walk and a one-mile run which had to be timed and then a warm-down, which involved doing all those things in reverse?

All I have to say to you is, .?

June's stupid life · Proofreading/Copy editing

Hate everything.

Actually, I wasn't all that busy yesterday; there hadn't been a lot of comments on my last few posts, so I thought, "Maybe people are tired of me rambling on and on. I'll do something short."

And I got like 50 comments yesterday, so I guess you were in the mood for short.

But now I want to ramble, and I have to be quick cause I have to leave the house in 12 minutes and I'm not dressed.

I am having a crisis.

First of all, I got the book back that I was proofreading a few weeks back. They sent it back to me, along with all the other proofreader's versions, and I make sure the desktop person incorporated everyone's changes.

You guys.

I did a HORRIBLE job on that book. Horrible. One time? There was a footnote? And it was footnote number three? But at the bottom on the page, it read "2." I missed it. I missed two periods that should have been outside the parenthesis, not in it, and I missed this: .? I missed a PERIOD AND a QUESTION MARK together!

Marvin was on spring break the week I was proofing that book, and did you ever have a bad dream where you can't make someone understand you? That is what it was like that week. I kept telling him, in all seriousness, pleading with him, that he had to not bug me. But he kept bugging me, like every 20 minutes. He'd call to me, or let the dog into the room I was in, or play loud music. And it resulted in this crappy, crappy work.

The publishing company didn't say anything, but I couldn't sleep last night for the guilt. Now I am panicked. I am paying for a HOUSE with money I make PROOFREADING and I suck at proofreading. I keep thinking of other mistakes I have made as a proofer in years past.

I can't blame Marvin; a good proofer would have been able to shut out the interruptions. Plus, we were buying a HOUSE that week, and he legitimately needed to ask me stuff.

Also? This dog. Wearing me OUT. I miss my quiet cat life. I really do. Am I a terrible dog owner? I feel so guilty that sometimes I am just FED UP with her bouncy ass.

Now I have to go to the dentist, which is up there for me with petting tarantulas and getting food poisoning. I am shaking typing this.

Having a bad time. Wish I weren't here.

Friends · June's stupid life · Marvin

Trials and errors

Today I went to church for the last time here in Tiny Town. I dragged heathen Marvin, as well.

There is one part of the service where they pray for various people — those having birthdays, anniversaries, etc., and frankly, I was holding the prayer list with a pen, and marking off the people who'd died, so I could tell the new secretary, who I keep wanting to call "the poor new secretary." Anyway, I was busy with this morbid task when they said a prayer for me! It was for my new journey in life, and not for my hair or bad nose, as you might imagine.

After the service was over, they made me come up front and the rector gave a little speech claiming I was a good secretary, and after he recovered from that bolt of lightening, they gave me a gift. It's a beautiful painting of the church, made by a local artist. I have always wanted one of those prints, as the church is so beautiful, not to mention such a huge part of my life in Tiny Town.


During snack hour, I took pictures of everyone, but since I didn't ask if I could put photos up on my blog, I will give you the surreptitious view.


Apparently, the pineapple was a favorite today, eh?

Oh, you don't even know how I'm gonna miss the people here. We had one couple over for dinner last night, and even though we have a 30-year age difference, we have so much fun with them.

I am sorry to tell you that when they walked in the door, Lula peed not once but twice within the first five minutes they were here. Oh! And I made chess pie! All by myself! It is a Southern thing, chess pie. You do not have to play chess to enjoy it.

Also today, Marvin went to the nursing home and played music. He made me go with him; I was the groupie. Totally threw my bra on stage. If by "on stage" one means the part of the activities room near the sink and by "threw my bra" one means I sat there quietly.


He even played "Night Fever," which was kind of killing me. Miss Lilly said, "I remember this one" and I was all, you recognize it? Anyway, several of the residents jammed out, and a few fell asleep sitting up. All in all a successful performance.

Now I have to go do time trials for my half-marathon, and if you think I know what that means you are sadly mistaken. In January, I made myself a running schedule based on the Jeff Galloway half-marathon book, and for today I wrote "time trial, 3 mi." Maybe I have to take myself to court. Maybe I have to try out this fancy concept called "time." When I figure it out, you'll be the first to know.

June's stupid life · Photo essays

Good Mail Day

Don't you love it when all the mail is good?


My friend Dottie sent me Barbie cereal. It has marshmallow hand mirrors.


I actually meant to download a photo of my shoes that came in the mail, but I like this photo, as well, because I love the glimpse of Winston at the top. He and Lula match the floor.


There we go. New shoes! Whooo! Everything should be leopard print. If you ask me.

Dooce envy · Friends · June's stupid life · Marvin · My pets

Suck Ham

Man, Polly, quit cryin', it's 9:06 p.m. and I haven't posted at all today. I suck. I suck ham. Once my friend David was looking through the LA phone book and he found a person named Suck Ham — honest, he did — and were we hysterical over this at all? Cause you know you are picturing a person sucking an ENTIRE HAM, for some reason, not just a slice of it. Aren't you?

Marvin is in Greensboro, doing moving-to-Greensboro things, and it was only a few hours ago that I found out he is staying there overnight. We were on the phone; I was in Wal-Mart's parking lot, and he was in his hotel room there in, you know, Greensboro. Where he's gonna be overnight. Didn't you know?

I guess it is a sad sign when you are so busy and preoccupied that you didn't notice your husband was going on an overnight trip.

At any rate, when he told me this info — exasperatedly, since apparently he had told me, you know, before — I got a little thrill. When Marvin goes away overnight, it's like my parents went out of town or something.

And mom, I hate to tell you this at this late date. But when you went out of town? Like when you'd go to that ridiculous folk music festival? I did. Sorry! Fun, though!

So, this is how I feel with Marvin out of town. Now, granted, I did not order a keg, nor did I throw eggs at cars, nor did my friend David (as in Suck Ham David) inexplicably put those eggs in his eye sockets and then put my nylons on over his head and walk around like it was normal. None of those things happened as they may have in 1982.

However, I went to Wal-Mart and I got me some fish sticks and an Oprah Magazine. Marvin does not like either of these things. I consumed both. With relish. Not literally.

Also today, Lula and I went to the vet for her rabies shot, which is good because after? When we were waiting to pay? She BARK BARK BARKED at another tiny dog! It was one of those toy dogs, like the kind you could put in your purse, only it was a puppy, so basically you could put it on your teaspoon or your cube of sugar or something. And Lula COULD NOT get over her disgust at this dog. It was so humiliating. I felt so bad for the people, and for their Lilliputian dog. Who was horrified, as you can imagine.

Why does she have this prejudice over small dogs? It's awful! She herself is not so big at present. What a blonde bully.

I guess that's all I have to tell you. Other than I am still obsessed with Dooce, and in her archives I found a picture she took of a traffic jam on the 405 and I got that sad, can't-breathe feeling again. About a TRAFFIC JAM. Which I encountered every day on the 405. Who knew you could miss traffic?


Health · June's stupid life · My pets

Wherein I actually touch on the subject of health

Your close, personal pal June, who right now you wouldn't want so close, JUST finished running five miles. WOOOOOOOOOO! Go, June! Go, third-person references! Go, royal family!

I had been dreading this five-mile run, because the whole ruining my back thing had resulted in me not running regularly lately. But I knew I had to get this one over with. I was really worried I wouldn't make it, and do you know I had to hold myself back from going faster? I was kind of like Tallulah, pulling on her leash.


Speaking of Lula, she and I drove out to the Monroe today. She did not actually take the wheel, although it seemed like she wanted to. I do not know why my lap suddenly seems like the happiest place on earth when I am driving.

At any rate, we had to go to Kinko's, because Lula had to copy her resume.

Tallulah Gardensalad

Skills: Eating leaves, grunting, peeing outside the majority of the time.

Goals: To find a challenging position, such as standing on my hind legs to get your chicken.

In reality, I had to go to Kinko's because my last goal at my secretary job was to create a new church directory. The one we had was from 1812, and instead of being photocopied, we hired a scrivener to make multiple copies. There were no phone numbers listed, as telephones had not been invented yet. It just said things like John, son of blacksmythe, cabin next to sycamore tree.

Okay, it was from 2005. But still.

Also, too, we went to PetSmart, where we have not been since Lula's first week with me. She was still a little like, "What the hale?" about the automatic doors, but this time she walked right in after the initial flinch. And there were many dogs there for her to sniff!

I am sorry to tell you, however, that she BARKED at a Bichon! It was so humiliating. The poor little dog was just standing there, being fluffy. I do not know why she rubbed Lula the wrong way. Perhaps she is one of those little-dog snobs. I encountered those when I used to walk my friend's dachshunds.

Anyway, on the way home, I had the radio going and the song Yellow came on, by Coldplay. Remember that song? It goes:

I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh all the things you do
Cause you were all yellow.

I decided it was our song. It is perfect for Tallulah!

I told her as much, but she was reviewing her resume.

Friends · June's stupid life

Here is a church, here is a steeple. Open the door, and see a really bad secretary.

It's seven o'clock at night and I am alone in the church. After my regularly scheduled workday, I had to come back here at 5:00 to teach the new girl my job.

On the way here, I totally had my Sirius radio turned to the '90s alternative station and I was jamming out to some grunge song. I think it was Soundgarden. I passed the Catholic church, my radio blaring, and as I waited at the red light, I was all, "Why are the Catholics coming out of the church in droves at 5:00 p.m. on a Wednesday?"

I figured it was some Catholic thing I didn't understand when I remembered there was a funeral at that church today, at 4:00. Because this is the kind of town where everyone knows when every funeral is. Anyway, I didn't feel like a total degenerate or anything, asking my black hole sun won't you come and wash away the rain, black hole sun. Nice. Respectful. And gee, it's not like I recognized 80% of the people leaving the church or anything.

After offending half the town, I got to the church to train the new me, and it was also choir practice. I was teaching Amy and people kept coming in, making jokes and telling me they were gonna miss me and that I was a traitor. The rector even came in. "What profound spiritual wisdom do you need from me? I am here!" he announced. Amy didn't look at him. "Yeah, we don't need any," she told him.

She is gonna fit in here just fine.

I sent Amy home as the choir was leaving; there were some notes I wanted to type up from when the bishop was here. Today, during my regular workday, I had gone through all my legal pads and either typed up or threw away absolutely everything, so Amy would have clean legal pads.

And do you think I could find those ding-dang-ding bishop notes? And do you think the cleaning lady had already emptied my trash?

I went to the parking lot to dig through the trash, and everyone helped me and joked with me and got pomegranate juice on themselves (I'd thrown some away today). I sat back and watched everyone, digging through trash with me, the dogwoods blooming behind them.

We never found the stupid notes, and of course after everyone left I realized I had put them somewhere safe so I could type them up tomorrow. Hate me, as The Nester would say.

So now it's just me, the sun streaming in on me, in this old, beautiful church. I have only been working here six months, but I feel like I've known these people forever. "Come back and visit," they all say, thinking I won't.

But I really think I will.