How much do I heart y'all? It is nice to have friends, even tho you wouldn't know me if I spit on you. Thanks for cheering me up. I do feel better.
My favorite comment was the woman who said if her husband had a bad day at work, it meant someone couldn't see, but my bad day means I have a ".?"
Anyway, the dentist was not bad at all. I went to one in Charlotte, because I am a snob. It was in a fancy neighborhood! Man! The houses there must cost two hundred thousand dollars!
Now I'm just being obnoxious to annoy my LA friends. Really, though, it was a fancy part of Charlotte called Mint Hill, which seemed to contain no hills and no mint. I chewed the ground in several places. Nothing.
The dentist had to do some drilling, but he didn't have to numb me and it didn't hurt. I grind my teeth something fierce, and I wear a sexy night guard, but apparently I grind them during the day, which I think means I need to look into more relaxing hobbies such as yoga or heroin. He had to smooth out the many places I have chipped my teeth, which again? Alluring. Relaxed, is what I am.
Then, when I got home, Tallulah sauntered to the door with complete dignity, sat down and smiled at me with her blindingly white puppy teefs. This makes me think she read my blog while I was gone and said, "Holy mackinerny. I'd better be good today." And she was. She was nice all day. She didn't even pull on her leash, nor did she put it in her mouth and try to walk herself.
And who is giggling at the thought of her sitting like a person in this chair, clicking with her claws to get to my blog? "Buybuypye….no. Hmmm. Okay, bibipi…. woof! crap! okay. biybiypiy….grrrrrrr…."
My Aunt Mary, the one who has seasonal jewelry, called me today to say she has bought Tallulah a Christmas present. It is APRIL.
Who is excited she has another person to shop for? You think she got Lula seasonal jewelry?
My Aunt Mary, who started doing pottery as a hobby to keep her off QVC for seven minutes a week, has become sort of wildly successful and award-winning and stuff. She has a new website, and I am going to plug it, because I know you are over there thinking she is making coffee mugs and ceramic clowns, and I need you to go over and see how fricking weird and cool her stuff really is. Then I want a psychological assessment of her. Discuss.
Finally, tomorrow is my weekly Chic Critique 'column.' I have no idea what I am going to talk about tomorrow, because I sent dcrmom about 87 posts in advance, knowing that things will be nutty for me in the weeks to come. So I will be discussing body hair or lipstick or rabbit stew or calculus or something.
Oh! I almost forgot! The other day I told you I had to run a time trial and I had no idea what it was. All it required was a simple five-minute walk followed by a five-minute run then four acceleration gliders and a three-minute walk and a one-mile run which had to be timed and then a warm-down, which involved doing all those things in reverse.
Okay, Jeff Galloway? I am certain you are my demographic, and that you check this blog daily. This is why I feel it is appropriate to address you directly and say HOW IN THE SAM HILL DO YOU EXPECT ANYONE TO REMEMBER ALL THAT? I had to tape a list to my treadmill, and he doesn't even WANT you to do a time trial on the treadmill.
Jeff Galloway, we are a dumb people, we Americans. Only 50% of us can find the U.S. on a map (I am, sadly, not making that up). We can't find our OWN LAND, Jeff Galloway. WHY, then, do you think we can remember a five-minute walk followed by a five-minute run then four acceleration gliders and a three-minute walk and a one-mile run which had to be timed and then a warm-down, which involved doing all those things in reverse?
All I have to say to you is, .?