Some bloggers do giveaways. I do poop-ins.

To anyone who was worried I might be crappin', I'm fine. I had only given up meat for a week when I had my carnivorous extravaganza.

When I was in high school, I spent many a dinner at my best friend's house. My friend's brother Buddy and I spent an inordinate amount of dinnertime thinking up all the pooping euphemisms we knew. Why her mother didn't stop us is beyond me. At any rate, 25 years later they all still kill me: building a log cabin, laying some cable, got a turtle head poking out. And so on.

If you know any others, I beg you to mail them in. I need fun, over here.

I have begun my treacherous next few weeks of working full-time during busy season at my job, driving 40 minutes home, then working on a FOUR-HUNDRED-SIXTY-PAGE BOOK at night. I did not even realize it was that big until last night when I proofread the table of contents.

Does anyone have any of those big jugs with the XXXs on them? Send like 50 of those while you send your poop euphs, too.

Last night it occurred to me that this extra work is something I'm doing because I was too scared to say no. It is not work I have to do to pay the bills. That's what my regular job is for. So I asked Marvin, "Can I just buy myself something good with this money?" and he was too afraid of me to say no. I am a little testy as of late.

I'm gonna have at least a thousand dollars to blow, which will be a nice thing dangling in front of me when I spend sunny weekends and warm, firefly-filled nights bent over a statistics book. It will kind of be like the time I ran a marathon, and my mother promised me she'd have a bottle of champagne for me at the end. By mile 19, it was like that thing was on a stick dangling in front of my head, you know, like donkeys and carrots or dogs and rabbits or whatever.

When I finally crossed that finish line, I searched the crowd for mom and her bottle. Where was mom? Where was my champagne? WHERE!?!?! WHEEEERRREE!?!?! Then I saw her.

"Honey, I left the champagne in the car."

It is one of those things I will never get over, like the time my father had my cat put to sleep when I was six. Which I'd tell you about but for Father's Day this year my father said, "How about for my Father's Day gift I never have to hear about that %^*#@ dead cat again?"

So I am not allowed to tell you.

At any rate, I looked on the Internet for what I might buy with my torturesome freelance money. And now I wish I hadn't looked. Because of course I found the most beautiful ring you have ever seen. The most beauuuuutiful ring the world has ever created. And it's too expensive. 

Go look at it. It's lovely, isn't it? And I don't need it. I have actually bought myself two, not one but two, ruby and diamond rings over the years. But oh! It's so pretty!

Anyway, I'd have to work like 50 hours on this book to afford it, and it's only gonna take me 40, probably, and no I am not going to lie to the client and say, "It took me exactly $1700 to proof this book. Hmmm." Maybe instead of an invoice I could just send them that link.

So what I'll probably do is get something for the HOUSE, which, zzzzzzz. My mother suggested it.

But of course she is the one who deprived her only child of liquid after that child had run 26.2 miles.

24 thoughts on “Some bloggers do giveaways. I do poop-ins.

  1. With $1000, I’d be on a cruise faster than you can say boo. I think travel is one of the best way money can be spent… you can’t lose memories.

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  2. To Anthony: Not all girls want boring things. Sorry, June, but I wouldn’t buy a ring. I’d probably buy some electronic thing like Mr. Gardensalad would do…. or I’d take a trip someplace.

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  3. After all that proofreading, you’re going to need some R&R. Take a portion of that money, get yourself to a spa for a day, and save the rest.
    This one is more tame, but: if you refer to your bathroom as “the office”, then you go in there to “send your faxes.”

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  4. June…JUNE! Must I be the one to remind you that your former incarnation was Bye Bye BUY? Did that year mean NOTHING to you? Save that money (I love Sundance jewelry, but that ring doesn’t do it for me!)Anyway. Just saying.
    I just know that something will come up in the next few months and you will be so glad that you hung on tho that $1000 for you “emergncy fund”!

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  5. An action – a good “action” (as opposed to “getting some action”). Or nooo action. That’s what my friends dad always had. It could make or break his day!
    Something for the house, definitely, unless of course you don’t already have a diamond ring or two and then I guess the ring would be a priority.

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  6. farting: “baking brownies” is my favorite
    diarrhea: “stool geyser”, “chowder cannon”
    toilet paper: “bung fodder”
    a ring, really? gah, girls want the most boring crap…

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  7. What about “backing one out”.
    Love the ring .. you should buy it .. you need to buy it .. you’ve earned it.

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  8. No way! Don’t buy something for the house! If you’re going to go blind and batty proofreading, the least you can do is get yourself something fab!
    As for the poop-in, well, there’s always “prairie doggin’ it” or “goin’ to the shit-eau.”

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  9. All you guys gave away my pooping phrases! We use almost all of them. “Drop the kids off at the pool” is probably the most common.
    I say you sit on your loot for a while… think about it, make a list… in a week you may think of something else that you want more than that ring…

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  10. My brother used to say “pinch off a loaf” but was later shortened to “pinch a loaf” which I think rolls off the tongue much better. You have to imagine the southern okie twang that pronounces pinch as peench.

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  11. OMG! That is the EXACT ring I’ve been wanting for, like, ever. A friend even had a necklace made like that when I showed it to her. And her necklace is gorgeous. I think she should buy me the matching ring, don’t you?
    I did find something I like almost as much, for like 1/3 the cost – the David Yurman I got for Christmas last year. It’s a garnet, but it’s so pretty and red it looks like a ruby. And it’s silver and not gold. So it’s like $600.
    I do lurv me some joo-lry.

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  12. oh, my but that is a very pretty centerpiece; I mean, you could use it for a, say napkin ring! the things you could come up with dear girl. how about a tie back for a shear curtain. you know, when you absolutely have to take it off to shower or something like, when Mom comes by with the champagne. jus sayin

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  13. It’s a gorgeous ring! I wish the catalog said where the stones were from, though.
    I think once you consider all the time and resources you will put into proofing this book, you will find that you have more than earned this ring. 🙂

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