Nuttin’, honey

I'm blogging at work again, which is going to make Tee decidedly nervous. I'm on my LUNCH hour, what possible harm does it do to blog at lunch? I guess I will find out when they fire me and I have to wear a barrel.

Why did people wear barrels? Weren't there potato sacks or Nordstrom's or anything they could have utilized instead? I mean, how dramatic. Barrels.

So, regarding my post yesterday, I was NOT trying to let you all know my birthday was coming up; I would never be that subtle. Besides, I won't even be reachable on my birthday, as Marvin and I will be at my mother's cottage in northern Michigan, or "up North," as they say. Not at all redundantly.

Next week is not only my birthday, it is also the 10-year anniversary of being married to the Gardensalad. Who I got really mad at about cream cheese this weekend. Anyway, we are taking Tallulah and driving to Michigan, where my mother is going to give me some furniture that she has been wanting to give me just forever, but I always lived in California and it was not possible to get said furniture to me.

Well. I didn't ALWAYS live in California. If I did, my mother would not have ever met me.

Anyway, after the receiving of the furniture, we will all drive en masse to my mother's place on what I guess you could call a lake, but that makes you think of some massive body of water, which isn't really accurate. Maybe we could say my mother's place on a pond.

I just love it there. There is a dock, which is basically my favorite thing in the world. I love sitting on a dock and watching the water. There is also badminton, which is my second-favorite thing in the world. There are also board games, which my mother will try to get me to play for the 6,740th time, and which I will refuse to play for the 6, 740th time.

After our days on the pond, Marvin and I are returning to the bed and breakfast where we got married, and we're spending our 10th anniversary back in the wedding suite, where we hope to again open lots of checks.

Okay, I'll just tell you, cause you're all gonna comment asking what about the cream cheese. So, since I am working full-time and driving 80 minutes a day and then proofreading that 468-page statistics textbook in my "spare" time, I told Marvin that he had to take over everything else for now, including food. So when I woke up Saturday I asked Marvin to go get bagels.

He came back 487 minutes later, because it always takes Marvin a lot longer to go do things than it takes me, and he said, "Now, don't get mad."

You guys. So many, many times, Marvin and I have gotten in fights because I have sent him to get something and he came back with the wrong thing. Like, once we were having a party and I was doing everything frantically and I gave him a list of things to run and get at the store, and he came back with half the stuff on the list. "Where is the garlic?" I asked him, naked with wet hair and 15 unblown balloons in my hand. "I figured we had to have garlic, so I didn't get any."

You do not know the blows we have come to. Don't even ask about the time he got tomatoes and not tomato paste. One wonders why I don't just give up and go get the stuff myself, but I always seem to forget that these tragedies are gonna happen.

So on Saturday when he said, "Don't get mad" I knew I was gonna be mad. It alllllll comes rushing back to me every time it happens again.

Marvin got (are you ready?) onion bagels and HONEY WALNUT CREAM CHEESE.

Now, what freak would think that was a pleasant combo? How did the bagel store even allow him to leave like that? Don't they have measures in place?

And what's worse is when he does this, he acts like I am the fussbudget. Like annnnnnnyone else would be HAPPY to eat an onion bagel with honey walnut cream cheese, it is just diva me, over here, who cannot abide by it.

Anyway, terse words were exchanged, although I did apologize later. And I ate the onion bagel with the honey walnut cream cheese. If I am lost at sea for a week and a half, and the boat that finally rescues me presents me with only onion bagels and honey walnut cream cheese, I promise you I will wait till we get to shore.

Anyway, we're celebrating 10 years of this next week. I think 10 years is the honey walnut anniversary.

25 thoughts on “Nuttin’, honey

  1. One, two, three, four, I DON’T declare a flame war, but I do feel the need to stand up for my Y chromosome homies (and, yes, I really said that). Let me ‘splain… No, ‘splaining would take too long; let me sum up:
    Wyf and I know a woman who REGALED us with the tale of the time she sent her boyfriend (of the time) to the store for some tuna. Simple, right? She said, “Just get me some tuna, Sam.” Just like that.
    He called her from the store, asking if she wanted a particular brand, Starkist, Bumble Bee, whatever, and again, she reiterated, “It’s just TUNA, Sam. Just. Get. Me. Some. Tuna.”
    When he returned, he brought back a six-pack of the smaller individual lunch-size cans. Of tuna. You know, that she had asked him to buy. And ya know what? It was the wrong thing, EVEN THOUGH SHE SAID “JUST GET ME SOME TUNA” WITHOUT SPECIFYING WHAT SHE WANTED.
    Of course, she’s also batsh*t crazy, which doesn’t help matters, but I think the lesson here is twofold:
    1. You’ll never be satisfied with what we bring home, so either a) smile, kiss us on the cheek and say “thank you, sweetie” when we get back before sighing quietly to yourselves about how hopeless we are, or b) go to the damned store yourselves.
    2. At least we’re trying, so give us a smidgen of credit, huh?
    (And mad props to the ladies above who do just that. Y’all rock!)
    BTW- Happy Birthday, June!
    Hugs,
    BO (f)

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  2. That sounds like something my husband would do, but it would be just b/c he grabbed something and didn’t look. he would eat it and think I’m the weird one!

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  3. The coffee cup was on the way to my lips when I read “onion bagels and HONEY WALNUT CREAM CHEESE.” So I did not, in time-honored blog-commenting tradition, spew coffee onto the computer screen. But I did sort of laugh/snort into the cup. Which, if you do it hard enough, makes kind of a coffee tsunami everywhere.

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  4. I didnt realize there were BAGEL stores in NC!..Thanks AGAIN, for the morning giggle & gafaw!…I always use lists for my hubby…he likes them…but, one DOES have to be specific..ESPECIALLY when you send them for feminine products ( guess I am blessed he will do this for me)…Anyhoo…maybe you can catch up on your “reading” while you are on vacation?….or, maybe just a board game will do…..

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  5. Oh you are soooo right, you blogging at work makes me EXTREMELY nervous. That net nanny is going to catch you. I hope she has a watch and knows you are on you lunch hour. That must be on golden pond where your are going, right? Happy birthday and anniversary in advance. I have to agree with another comment, why in the world did you get married on your birthday? Marvin only has to get one gift. The onion bagel and honey walnut cream cheese cracked me up. I know it wasn’t funny to you, maybe you’ll see the humor in a few years, maybe it will take decades.

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  6. I am sure Marvin was just too choked up to mention it, but onion bagels and honey walnut cream cheese is what Grandma Gardensalad made us every Sunday for brunch. Of course she made everything from scratch. But don’t feel bad publically making fun of our cherished childhood memories.

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  7. is it possible Marvin is leading a second life masquerading as MY husband? and during that exact same 487 minutes he was actually in Nebraska purchasing PLAIN yogurt for our granola breakfast parfaits instead of VANILLA?? which he explained by telling me – “I knew it was the wrong thing when I got it but I got it anyway……….”
    let’s not even discuss the horrible substitute he decided to bring home instead of cheese for nachos- again- with the disclaimer that he had the right thing in his hand to start with- just randomly chose to go in another direction-

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  8. Poor Marvin! He’s just like Dale – they are cut from the same cloth. It can’t be helped because it’s some mutant gene in them that makes them rationalize that tomatoes and tomato paste are the same thing. I can’t believe you’ve been married 10 years. WOW! Time flies. It seems like yesterday you were sitting in the upper window of the Montague in your bathrobe. Love you!

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  9. I was with a man friend at a fancy coffee shop and I watched him order a mocha *kiwi* cappucino. The barista refused to make it on principal.

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  10. I totally agree, that he was wrong about the bagel-cream cheese combination. He knew he was wrong, that’s why the first thing he said when he got home was “don’t get mad”. Marvin, if you are reading this, you were wrong. June wins this fight. I think if it were me I would have toasted an onion bagel and threw some butter on it… but that’s just me. Way to be brave and give it a try for the sake fo your marriage.

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  11. I do not know why the men cannot just get exactly what is on the list. And happy almost Anniversary and Birthday. I cannot believe you got married on your Birthday.

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  12. Happy to say (gloat, really) that my husband is very good at getting all the things on the list :o) Happy birthday in a week, and happy anniversary! May you open many, many checks 😀

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  13. I am the freak that would enjoy that bagel and cream cheese combo. Actually everything bagels and honey-nut cream cheese are the best together, they have the savory-sweet thing going on when together. Don’t hate!
    But I do understand the frustration factor. My mom is the type to announce “Yay I bought ingredients for nachos, your favorite!” and then of course she has forgotten to buy tortilla chips or cheese.
    And my birthday is Saturday. May we have a glorious birthday week!

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  14. I was pulling for poor Marvin with the cream cheese. I was asking myself what could be wrong with walnuts and honey right until you said “onion bagel”. Bop him on the head for me, twice!!
    Nancy

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  15. Thank you for the post from work. I needed the laugh. Happy Anniversary and Happy B-Day! By the way, Marvin is normal and so is your response. I have been married 20 years…FYI, they never learn!

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  16. Yah, you just can’t trust boys to do anything food related. Once I asked mine to go get me a PIE PAN. He came back with one of those big foil pans that goes in the bottom of the stove to catch drips. Wtf? So incompetent.

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  17. It must be a guy thing. Because my hubs does it too. There is a commercial, for a cell phone with a camera, where the wife just takes pictures of what she wants him to bring home from the store. But even if I did that, my husband would come home with something different because he figured I was wrong. Grr.
    If 10 is the Honey Walnut anniversary, I wonder what 15 is? Pistachio? Naw, let’s go with Hazelnut.

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  18. Dang, I’ve missed me my June while on my stupid vacation from hell. You crack me up, as always.
    Oh, and the husband and the store thing? MINE DOES THE EXACT SAME THING. And I must capitalize that because it makes me so mad. Every time. When will they learn?
    And happy upcoming birthday.

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  19. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one with a husband who doesn’t have the most common sense. However, I have to ask, if he KNEW you’d be upset about the honey walnut cream cheese, why did he buy it?
    I hope you have a wonderful trip and enjoy your time on the pond. I live on a pond, but no dock. So, I only get to stick my feet into mucky, muddy, slimy water. ~Kellie

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