Family · June's stupid life · My pets

Chili Cheese Dog Park

A friend asked, "Did your decline in readership begin about the same time as the purchase of your webcam?"

Okay, SHUT UP. My webcam ROCKS. It is perfect for me. All I need is me, writing about me, while taking pictures of me and putting them up on what I wrote. About me.

Besides, my readership is up up up! I think. I can never do the math. Anyway, who cares? Remember I wasn't gonna care?

At any rate, I am trying to write you while I am being STARED at unblinkingly by SOMEONE in the canine family who might have heard me say "dog park," so I must get right to it. There is nothing more penetrating than the stare of a dog. Well, I mean maybe surgical instruments are more penetrating. Perhaps a huge javelin coming at me at 5,000 miles an hour is more penetrating.

You know what I mean.

FIRST of all, which really technically is third of all, as I have already touched on so many important topics, my diet is HORRENDOUS as of late. I had another chili cheese dog from Sonic today. Could someone get me banned from there? They are my kryptonite. My Samson's hair. My Samsonite.

So right now I am being GAZED AT with an intensity UNBEKNOWNST to anyone previously while I am sipping a smoothie. Okay, so a smoothie has 9 hundred billion calories. Still, there is fruit involved. And yogurt. IT'S BETTER THAN A CHILI CHEESE DOG, OKAY? Just cut me some slack, man! I'm tryin'!

I am still trying to be vegetarian, despite the chili, hooves, and snouts lunch. Marvin has done a really marvelous job of providing vegetarian dinners when I get home, so I just have to do better at lunch.

Speaking of Tallulah, which for once I wasn't, several people today have sent me the story of that poor child named Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii. Have you heard about this? Her parents named her that and she got to be a ward of the court and change it.

Okay, seriously. This is why I don't have kids. I would TOTALLY name my child Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii if I thought of it. "Well, we're thinking Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii if it's a girl, and Snaphappy Fishsuit if it's a boy."  I really, really would! And this is why they invented birth control.

Plus, I think Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii should lighten the lei up. It's a GREAT name! It conjures up happy Hawaii plumeria images, don't you think?

But perhaps my perspective is skewed.

When I was a kid, my parents were total hippies. They will deny this, but please. They sat on the floor and drank tea. We made tie-dyed  snowmen. They came to PTA meetings wearing caftans (especially dad).

So, being the big hippies of Michigan that they were, we used to get together and have awareness sessions where we would drink our tea and discuss our feelings over a big fattie. (Okay, there were actually no drugs in their hippie life. It sounded authentic, tho, didn't it?)

Anyway, one night around the hookah my parents said, "June, man, you're your own person, man. Your name is June right now, but whenever you're ready, you tell us what your name really is. Man."

I was four.

I mulled it over for a week or two, in between protesting the war and campaigning for McGovern, and finally I said, "Pam, John, sit down. I have my name." (Yes, I really did call them Pam and John. They did not go in for labels. Man.)

"My name," I announced, "is Sparkly Rose Blossom."

Thank everything they said no. Cause what would I have done with that name? I'd totally be on the pole. Workin' at Scores. At age 43. Mmm. Pretty.

But if you know me, and maybe even if you don't, you know, Sparkly Rose Blossom was really a good pick. I love all sparkly things, and everything should be pink and flowery, if you ask me. So, I have to hand it to myself that I encapsulated myself pretty well. It was way more me than had I chosen, say, Joan Beigesuit or something.

SERIOUSLY that dog has no PATIENCE! Grow up already! Yeesch. I guess Hula and Sparkly better hit the park.

25 thoughts on “Chili Cheese Dog Park

  1. “Cinnamon Mount Vernon”. Kind of works. Though I think I lived on another street before Mount Vernon (I was 3 years old so I am racking my brain here)… Main St. Ok, so “Cinnamon Main”.
    Not loving it was a porn name.
    June, your parents sound cool, man.

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  2. Hey June! You just crack me up. I read your blog daily. I’m not a big commenter—well, I make comments but I don’t post them. But I was at the grocery store check out line this week and as I was putting my groceries up on the belt, I noticed all the meat was together. I was buying bacon and ham and turkey and beef and sandwhich meat. It seemed like a lot of meat. And I thought of you—because I thought you were probably a few states away doing the same thing and thinking “I have become a vegetarian.” I’m not mocking you. You sound just like me so much of the time.
    I’m typing this whole thing thinking you are going to mark my errors and send it back to me for correction. Please don’t.
    Have a lovely day!

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  3. Hey June! You just crack me up. I read your blog daily. I’m not a big commenter—well, I make comments but I don’t post them. But I was at the grocery store check out line this week and as I was putting my groceries up on the belt, I noticed all the meat was together. I was buying bacon and ham and turkey and beef and sandwhich meat. It seemed like a lot of meat. And I thought of you—because I thought you were probably a few states away doing the same thing and thinking “I have become a vegetarian.” I’m not mocking you. You sound just like me so much of the time.
    I’m typing this whole thing thinking you are going to mark my errors and send it back to me for correction. Please don’t.
    Have a lovely day!

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  4. Oh man!!! When I first started reading this post I had my comment all picked out, and I was gonna remind you of how you named yourself Sparkly Rose Blossom. How dare you steal my thunder? Rats!! I’ll get you back at the race….

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  5. Dear Sparkly Rose Blossom, Here’s a new reader, so readership must be UP, right? Just had to come out of the shadows to say how much I enjoy your, um, musings? You make me laugh! Love, Spooky Elizabeth

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  6. I rather like Sparkly Rose Blossom and I can’t imagine why Pam and John wouldn’t adhere to your wishes. It’s a step up from Elizabeth’s request to be renamed “Lightning Diamond”.

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  7. A) Pal Star Route 2 is the best porn name ever. It sounds futuristic!
    Q) We had leftover Easter egg dye, so we threw it on the snowPERSON, for the tie-dye. And yes, technically it was Aunt Mary’s idea. (Also a hippie.)

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  8. Does a tie-dyed snowman later turn into a suicide slushy?
    Why do my eyes fool me when every time I read Sparkly Rose Blossom, I read it as Sparkly Rose Bottom? Ah, a June by any other name……

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  9. I had a patient the other day (yes I have the privilege of caring for all the “Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii” mothers giving birth) who named her baby Neptune. I s**t you not. Neptune. It would be a HIPPA violation for me to tell you the last name but let me assure you it DID not at ALL work with Neptune. But then what does? The only one worse that that was Shaballah Budda Malaki something or other. That’s not only horrible, but long and horrible. Budda Armageddon was another choice selection from the “fine first names that make you want to mortally wound your parents” vault.
    And I thought Joni was bad…
    Love your blog ;o)

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  10. (1) You don’t know how lucky you are to have a Sonic. The entire time I was growing up, there was one within 5 minutes from my house. And from the time I was 12-17, that was 5 WALKING minutes, not driving. Appreciate it! But only appreciate the half-priced slushies in the afternoons. Not so much with the chili & cheese.
    (2) How do you tie-dye a snowman? Yes, I am sure if I googled it I could find snowman tie-dyeing techniques. But I want YOURS. Also, for having hippie parents, I feel that your snow-people were remarkably single-gendered.

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  11. I think there is plenty of room on this planet for all our animals….Right next to the mashed potatoes.
    Pal Star Route 2? (didn’t work for me)

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  12. Hey, the tie-dyed snowman was my idea. Give your Auntie M some credit. And it was COOL!!!
    I am on Uncle O’s comp.

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  13. Here’s what I have to say about the little Sonic problem: Grilled cheese on Texas toast. Add some tater tots or onion rings, and a cherry limemade and you have a not even close to balanced or healthful meal, but at least there are no pig parts. Works for me anyway.

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  14. That last comment is a scream. My name would be Blackie Pelton and my Hubby’s would be Tinker Stone. That is a hoot. When I was working we had a former employee that changed their name to Star Gazette. I feel your pain about Sonics. When we want to pig out we’ll go to there.

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  15. It sounds like you had a childhood that was a lot like Dharma on the television show Dharma and Greg!

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  16. Hi June, while I think Sparkly Rose Blossom is a perfectly good name, have you ever heard of the thingy where you find out what your porn star name would be, if you ever take up porn starring? It’s the name of your first dog, or pet, when you were a kid, and the name of the street you lived on, as a kid. For example, mine would be Tiffany Nelson. Cute, right? And my hubby would be Willie Fernandez. Love it. Try it! 🙂

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  17. I was (am) banned from the Sonic.So ask me how. Ohh!! you shoulda seen the stink eye,Keith, the manager gave me yesterday as I drove off.

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