Oh carp. I forgot to give this one a title.

Faithful reader Donna sent me her family portrait, which was taken last week.

Fam 

Okay,  I really think it was taken a long time ago, because otherwise, hello, awkward! Umm, thanks, Faithful Reader Donna! Your sister has such nice, um, mushroom bangs! And that kicky scarf! (for those of you who did not grow up in the '70s, we aimed for that mushroom bang look. I mean, that was the look we were actually going for.)

Now, if you already know me in real life, you don't need to be told that I was absolutely obsessed with this picture all day. The fact that this family clearly lived at the bottom of a cup of Lipton tea with those sepia tones, the whole story I made up in my head about why they made the one guy go way in the back. In fact, I decided it was necessary for me to print this out on the color printer at work, so I could frame it and put it up at home.

Marvin and I have about 9 million photos framed of people we don't know, so the weirdness factor there is not all that high. For us. Or for Culpepper. So anyway, I sent myself this photo at work and when I went to print it, I discovered that I am not hooked up to the color printer at work.

Well.

!

You have never seen anyone's feathers so ruffled in all your life. I have never been so insulted. What is the MEANING of not hooking me up to the color printer? Surely the proofreader/editor, who never prints anything but Word documents about once every other week, needs full access to the color printer!?! Did they think I was somehow going to abuse the privilege, and use the color printer for personal reasons?

Of course, it was right about this time that it dawned on me that I was needing the color printer–for the first time in seven months of working at that place–to print out a family portrait of a group of people I do not know, which I guess if you want to get technical counts as a personal use of the color printer. Whatever.

But I have also decided that the floating head picture should totally come back, like the carnation. It should be cool again. This is why I, June, have a delightful offer for anyone who wants it. I am TOTALLY WILLING to go to my local Sears Portrait Studio to have a photograph of my head taken, and I do not see why they couldn't hook up with your local Sears Portrait Studio there in Lubbock or wherever, so that you could have my floating head up against your family portrait.

Think of the years of fun you'll have explaining to people who the Sam Hill that is, there, in your family picture! Think of how delighted your husband will be when you make him and all your kids get dressed up in the matching khaki pants/white shirt combo again on his one day off that week, and then how MUCH happier he'll be when the proofs come in with my big melon in the background! Oh! The giggles we'll have!

I'm certain we'll have issues with my, you know, hair taking up all that room, but that's what Photoshop is for. Surely Sears has access to Photoshop, right?

Profile 

Here is a nice preview shot. Do you like this? Imagine it on your stairwell for the next 15 years.

42 thoughts on “Oh carp. I forgot to give this one a title.

  1. HILARIOUS!!! I loved the mushroom bangs. The smoother, the rounder, the better. Mine never stayed like that, but I put in a valiant effort.
    As for the pictures, this reminds me of the family I lived with my last year of college (long story, involving wine tasting. It was GREAT!). Anyway, every year, they had “Tacky Christmas” with their friends. The year I was there, they received, each and every person in the family, a tee shirt printed with the cheesiest Sears Portrait the others could put together, complete with the strange polyester suits of the 70’s, some groovy 70’s hair. And this was in the late 80’s, so it was pretty funny even then. Oh, it was fun. One time I went up to their attic to get something and there were FOUR busts of Elvis up there! It was just a cool place, and there was lots of wine. Did I mention the wine?

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  2. Thanks for the honor of being on your blog.
    Heavens knows why they made my brother stand so far to the back. I would love to have you on my photo as the floating head. Am sure mother would gladly give up her space as floating head for you. Bring back the floating head photos!!!! We all could use a good laugh. And to think that you are not hooked up to the color printer at work. They had better make that top priority because you never know when you may need to use it again for personal usage—oops I mean work.

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  3. I think you have a very nice profile. But yeah, I’m pretty sure my husband would get rid of my Internet service if I put a blogger I’d never met in real life as a floating head in our family picture.

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  4. I’m busting a gut here. Unfortunately we didn’t have professional pictures taken of our family so alas no floating head. We do however have an attractive picture of our family dressed up for a wedding. It was full of polyester and wings. Oh the leisure suit, green, powder blue, baby shit yellow could you get any more fashionable?

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  5. I’ll take you offer and see you one better…
    How about you and Marvin pose as the family, in your MATCHING HEART BUTTON SWEATERS, leaving the upper left corner free, of course, for all of us readers to superimpose our own floating heads.
    That is a photo I could surely get into. And if it is in sepia tones, all the better.

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  6. Speaking as my family’s ‘historian,’ I think that you would make a great addition to my family. You are a whole lot more fun…I will start planning the family reunion! Does next August work for you? Hot and dry here so big hair shouldn’t frizz as much. And my family always seemed to like August for reunions. So, are we cousins? Sisters? Are you my mother?

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  7. Your posts always make me laugh! We have a family picture like that too, except it was unintentional. We all wore dark shirts and they used a dark backdrop… all you can see are six smiles and the occasional floating hand (which was actually on someone’s shoulder). Next time we should get with the program and request the actual floating heads portrait!

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  8. You cut that out, Donna. Your mom is beautiful, I told you so in the email I sent you. Look at her bone structure! And I’d kill for her nose. You want to see a mustache, you take away my Nair for a month. Snidely Whiplash called.

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  9. I’m so in. I will force my family into the blue jean/black shirt/bare foot ensemble (black is MY best color and well… it’s all about me in this instance) and hop over to Sears. I can’t wait to have June in my home daily.
    And Donna??? What a good looking family! I just wish all knew why you all obviously hate your brother. Although it appears he thinks whatever he did to all of you is pretty funny. Look at his smirk! Look at him. OK… I think I’m getting it. I am feeling the rage you and your siblings felt toward Brother Better Than Us. Mm Hm. I understand now. He probably had Mom wrapped around his pinky and you all got blamed for all of his shenanigans. Look at the smirk! I think I need to go to counseling with your family to resolve my issues with Hail the High One, Brother Better Than Us. Let me know when we can schedule it. 😉

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  10. The mother in that picture is beautiful. She reminds me of Mrs. Miniver. Kind of British and noble. You look like an angel in your pose. I’d love to have you in a family portrait.

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  11. Dear Mom,
    Okay, me being in a family portrait with my OWN family isn’t really as funny. See.
    But I said the same thing. I think the mom in Donna’s family is lovely, as well.

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  12. I guess we never did the floating head thing in Montanta. But then we didn’t have a Sears in the town I grew up in and all the family pics were taken by one of two portrait studios in town. I feel so left out – I have some great 70’s clothes that would have been awesome in floating head photos…

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  13. You are too funny. I have a simple question, do you have a color printer at home? Just saying. Yeah, why don’t you have access to the color printer?! Don’t worry about the coordinated outfits, just wear matching shirts, forget the jeans and being barefooted, you will only be seen from the chest up, you could be in your underwear and no one would ever know, well, except your family and the photographer.

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  14. Dear Cristy,
    I wondered if anyone would ask about my rather odd, 1930s pose. It is a sweater. I was trying to hide the stupid orange crate pictures in the background. Have you ever tried to take your own profile picture while holding up a sweater and clicking the webcam?
    And Tee. If I HAD a color printer, would I have SENT myself the family portrait and TRIED to print it out at work and DRIVEN myself crazy? Well, yes, actually, because now that you ask me it occurs to me that maybe our printer DOES print in color but I was thinking it didn’t.

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  15. Yes, just frame and hang the Donna family photo on your wall and when GWDGY asks who the people are, just shrug and say, “I dunno.” Will drive her insane.

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  16. But WHY the floating head? Is it the most important family member that gets floated? I was never floated. Now I’m mad. Thanks June. I’m going to have to go and open up a can on all my family members ’cause they never floated me.

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  17. June,
    You don’t have any floating head photos of your family, do you? I can’t imagine your hippie parents would ever get professional photos taken!
    My parents didn’t get photos of our family done, but I have several floating head shots of me as a baby! I was cute! No scanner, so I can’t show you here…Phooey.
    Love Donna’s family!

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  18. I never understood that whole floating head picture thing (and for that matter, stiff, posed family portraits). My American grandmother (I specify American because my other one is Italian and they didn’t do this floating head crap over there) had lots of these style photos up and down the stairway wall. Eight children, so LOTS of them.
    Oh, the humanity!
    Thank GOD that my parents weren’t into family portraits. I have enough to deal with from my MIL now who has lots of cheesy ones that seems to randomly appear in my house whenever she visits.

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  19. This is the second time this week that coffee almost came out my nose while reading your blog.
    I never had a floating head picture of my family but perhaps I should fix that.

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  20. June, I dont recall you saying anything about this Mom looking lovely in the family picture possted the other day. See if you get the magenta beret now.

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  21. I know Photoshop. You take the pictures and send them to me and I’ll make it the way you want it. Bottom of a cup of tea and all.
    Actually I would really like a family portrait of your family, pets and all done like this. maybe even a series of them where everyone gets their shot at the huge floating ghost head.
    …by the way, I just spelled ghost like this: goast – before I went back and corrected it. ha!

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  22. One of my younger brother’s school pictures was so bad (crooked glasses, sloping hairline, hair wafting over the ears and a striped turtleneck that was about five sizes too small) that my other brother made about 700 copies and wrote “MISSING CHILD” on them and pasted them from one end of our town to the other. They were on every telephone pole, in store windows, under cars’ windshield wipers. My mother drove all over retrieving them. We kids, however, thought it was great. Except for my little brother, of course.

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  23. Love all of the comments. No I have no idea why he is way in the back—-And yes my Mom is very beautiful.
    Come on everyone lets see some of your floaty head photos—must be lots out there somewhere. And Jan anytime you want you can come to Australia for counseling.

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  24. OMG! I have been at a conference in D.C. and was not able to read your blog for 5 days!
    You know I would totally go to Sears and have them Photoshop you into my family photo. My husband would totally be on board with the whole idea and my kids would be thrilled to have their picuture with the world famous (at least at our house) June! This is a brilliant idea!

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  25. (This is Culpepper’s husband Earl) Thanks June! Now I have to get dressed up and go to Sears! Looking forward to having you in the family! There is a spot on the mantle waiting just for you.

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