What Smells Loud?

It is Sunday night, and I am drinking my 57th Aquapod of the night because Marvin and I had Chinese food for dinner and Mr. Salty called and wants his sodium content back. Yeesch. I feel like a salt lick.

It is going to bother my mother that I am drinking this much water before bed. "Won't you have to get up and go to the bathroom?" I can just hear her. It bugs her that I don't have to go as much as she does. It also bugs her that I fail to have wadded-up Kleenex in every pocket. Seriously, does this woman have a cocaine problem that I don't know about? Whose nose needs this much wiping?

Speaking of people who are older than me, I went to the movies today because Marvin was playing guitars with his friend Ron, which I understand has nothing to do with anyone being older than me yet and you wish I'd get to the freaking point for once. But really, who is the nicest wife ever? Certainly not me, but I am definitely up there with the pretty good wives.

DSCF1480Nearly every weekend, Marvin's friend Ron comes over and the two of them get out 11,367 pieces of musical equipment and spread it yonder. Plus, then they play loud music and sing. They usually do it at our house because Ron has two kids and two dogs. Which I guess is more chaotic than one dog and three cats. And a paparazzi wife. Hey, I just noticed you can see two small bookshelves in that photo above.

LoveAnd two small bookshelves in this photo! Ron looks  like he loves Marvin here, doesn't he? Ron is only the nicest guy on earth.  

Oh, and in  answer to all the things you asked me in my bookshelf post, we have a bunch of 8-track players and I can't believe anyone is excited about them because I personally would like to be playing 8-tracks out Marvin's hind end. We have anything that ever played music ever at any point in history in our house, and we usually have 87 examples of each genre. We have a Victrola, 950 portable radios (that's what those multicolor balls are someone asked about before, that you can just see past Ron, there), we have fancy radios, fancy stereos, we have stuff I don't even know what it is, and all I want to do is hear the same four ABBA songs on cassette that I have liked since 1979.

So, GETTING BACK TO THE PART WHERE I WAS GONNA TALK ABOUT OLD PEOPLE, when Ron came over, I made myself scarce so I went to the movies. I went to a French film called Tell No One and the only other people in there were two older couples and then two older women together.

Richard

Oh. And I did want to show you that on the back of Marvin's notebook he has a picture of Richard Carpenter. Okay, why? Should I be at all concerned?

So, before the movie starts, said older people were all talking. A lot. I mean, no one was taking the time for any companionable silence. I was thinking okay, maybe I am just noticing it because I am here alone, you know? But then? When the movie started? And there were subtitles?

You guys.

Through the whole movie.

"WHAT WAS THAT!?"

"WHAT DID THAT ONE SAY?"

"IT SAID, 'YOUR WIFE IS DEAD!' "

"HIS LIFE IS RED?"

"WIFE! WIFE!"

"HIS WIFE IS RED? WHY IS SHE RED? WHAT SMELLS PAINT? DO YOU SMELL PAINT?"

I mean, you all know I like me the old people. And I would've thought out of any group of people at the theater, OLD people would be the most polite. I mean, weren't they taught to be quiet in the theater? I would have thought those darn kids would be the ones to talk and be annoying. And it wasn't just the subtitles. They were talking back to the screen. There was one part where the guy with the red, dead wife found pictures of his wife all beat up, and he told his friend he'd never beaten his wife. One of the women said:

"WELL IF IT WASN'T YOU, WHO ELSE, BUB?"

I mean, this was a FOREIGN FILM! Who WERE these yahoos at my movie? I couldn't believe it! I wanted to give all six of them a good scolding after, but I didn't dare. I still love me the old people, and have signed up to be a visitor to people who apparently have no visitors. What if it's one of these magnificent six and they recognize me as the terrible woman who yelled at them at Tell No One?

Maybe they thought it was called Tell Everyone.

24 thoughts on “What Smells Loud?

  1. I went to see Twilight last night. I know. Still, the theater was packed full of female teenagers. But right in front of us? Us being the 3 adult women who have read the ridiculous series and have waited a ridiculous amount of time for the ridiculous movie to come out? In front of us were 2 really old people. Like, old. And we kept waiting for them to realize they were in the wrong movie and leave. And they never did.
    Course, the 12 year old girls behind us were probably looking at us thinking the same thing.

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  2. OMG, I was totally being paid for back Fred Schneider day, wasn’t I?!?!
    EVERYBODY SMELLS PAINT!
    And no, no underwear was thrown, mostly because Talluah would have swooped in and chewed it.

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  3. Yes, it does bug her that you don’t understand her need to use the toilet all night, as this need stems from her having to carry you (and whatever siblings she may have provided you) in her womb lo so many years ago.
    Tell her to call me for some empathy; but if I don’t pick up, just leave a message – I’m probably in the bathroom.

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  4. I would like to know why, living very very close to Chicago, we don’t have any theaters that show cool french films? Huh????
    Secondly, where did Marvin meet Ron? School?
    Thirdly, I will prefice this by saying, I am very near starting my Aunt Flo and a wee emotional. I got a little teary thinking about our beloved June going to a movie alone, an annoying crowd movie at that, while Marvin had his friend over. I’m all worried now about your lack girlfriends. What about Hammy? She seems to get you. After all, you bonded over head banging. As you can see, I am worried sick over this. Can you say CO-DEPENDENT???? Sheesh. I am sick of myself.

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  5. That’s funny, because I was dragged (drug?) to the movies yesterday with my 3 year old and 11 month old in tow to go see Madagascar 2, and since my 11 month old was tired she was fussy so I walked to the back to quiet her down, keep her from bothering people and try to get her to fall asleep and this young couple (20ish) were in the next to last row making out through the whole movie. Who wanted to throw her 11 month old’s fruit puffs at the kissy-kissy facers?

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  6. Dear Lee,
    You mustn’t get teary about me being at the movies alone. Even when I had friends, I often went to the movies by myself. And do you know why? Because I hate going to the movies with people who TALK DURING THE MOVIE. Ironic.

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  7. Oohh Please please let me know if you ever decide to chunk Marvin’s 8 tracks, just box ’em up and send to me.Btw What is up with the Richard Carpenter thing. I could totally understand David Cassidy, but R.C.?

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  8. I gave up going to movies almost entirely, because the movie experience sucks so bad. High prices, lousy tech (I especially hate seing a movie where they haven’t set the aspect ratio correctly: I once saw a movie starring “gourney Weav”); but especially how rude other people are, talking, kicking seats, and chewing popcorn with the mouth open. Or ice shaking. Crikey, the idiots. I’m a Netflix member, and only go to the theater when it’s a big-screen must-see (like the upcoming Star Trek movie).
    “Hell is other people” – Sartre.

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  9. I was excited to see those ball radios. My husband made me a cd a few months ago with a bunch of old 70s music on it from when we were kids listening to the AM. He’s sweet that way but anyway, he designed the cover of this cd with a picture of one of those ball radios. I had no idea what it was and said “What’s that? A ball and chain? What are you trying to say?” He had to explain that it was a just a groovy old radio that he always wanted, all his whole life.

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  10. Well, I consider myself to be in the old range, however, when we go to the movie we DON’T talk out loud. I must admit we don’t go that often, we just wait and rent the movie and enjoy our home theater in our pajamas. LOL! Did those old people have a flash light? Just asking, since you are concerned they might recognize you when you start visiting the assisted living facility. How’s Ruby?

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  11. Hi June!
    Before my husband’s grandpa passed away, we used to take he and the grandma (Bea) to the movie! Your description was spot on! Gramps would yell to Bea – “WHO WAS THAT?” and “WHAT ARE THEY DOING NOW?” and “WHY DID HE JUST DO THAT?” and “WAS THAT THE SAME WOMAN FROM BEFORE?”
    The rest of us, would sit behind them and just laugh and laugh and laugh! It was totally embarrassing, but just so hilarious!
    Love me the old people!
    Also, like Tee asked, how’s Ruby?

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  12. I can so relate to the old-people-talking-too-loud thing! Some of the old people at my church sit right near the front, so they can hear better, I presume, and then talk so LOUD to each other. And I say to my husband “wouldn’t ya think they knew that it’s rude to talk so loud in church?” He says not to be too hard on them, cuz I’ll probably do the same thing someday.

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  13. I am married to a Movie Talker. That is why I Netflix. 🙂
    I hope that one day you too will understand your mother’s concern for your bladder functions. I’m with her.

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  14. That was absolutely hysterical. I can imagine the old people (love them, too) talking loudly and talking to the screen. I almost choked on my tea while reading this!! LOL Let me know next time there’s a French film in Greensboro. I’d like to see some Smell Paint people and enjoy the movie even more.

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