Wherein June is inspirational to no one.

DSCF1181Me, in September, before my WHOLE LIFE GOT CRAPPY.  And not to mention carpy.

Remember a few months ago, when I went to the doctor because my face was numb and I thought it was a pulled muscle or something and he said no no, you have some horrid brain thing and I went two or three weeks thinking I might have some sort of horrid brain thing and then it turned out to be nothing?

Yeah.

So, first of all, I cracked a tooth this week, which I know for the rest of normal society would be like, "Ugh. I have to go to the dentist. Yuck."

For me, in the meantime, I am half hoping to be stuck dead by lightning before my Wednesday appointment, I will have trouble sleeping until it gets here, and the day of I have to take Xanax. Just writing about it now I am starting to shake a little.

I am not pretty about the dentist.

Then, today I called home to check my messages to see if Ruby's test results came back (and for those of you who know me in real life who keep emailing me about her, she is not dying or anything. She is just old. She is going to be okay, for now). There was one message.

"Hello, June, this is the mammogram center calling."

I was all, hunh. Did I leave my coat there or something? Seriously. That is how in denial I was. My coat. Did I leave my coat there. "Please call us at your earliest convenience."

Well, guess what? My earliest convenience turned out to be right that second. And they told me they found "a density" in my test and need to do another test before they turn in their final report.

"Okay," I said. "How scared do I need to be?"

"Well," said the woman, "the results say a density of bluh de bluh bluh, with a bloobidy bloo bloo and other medical things that I am saying at 45 miles an hour because I am as sensitive as sandpaper, but it also says it doesn't look like a malignancy. I call about eight woman a day with this sort of thing."

"Um-hmm. And how many of them die of breast cancer?" I asked her.

"Your doctor, Dr. Yow? Yooo–"

"Yoo," I snapped.

"Yoo — can tell you more. He has these results too." So my hysterical you-have-a-tumor doctor has waited a WEEK and hasn't called me about my "density"?

I made an appointment for NEXT TUESDAY. Not tomorrow, NEXT DING AND ALSO DANG TUESDAY for I don't even know what test. I talked to Dr. Yow/Yooooo/Yo's nurse who said Dr. Yoo did NOT have my results, so who even knows what to believe. In the meantime I went to my boss's office to tell her I'd be missing work next ridiculous Tuesday morning.

"Cindy," I said, "they –"

And that was as far as I got before I started to cry in front of my boss. The one who doesn't like me as it is. Then I went in my office and sat on the floor for two hours, one of them my lunch hour, one of them not, and sobbed.

I cannot handle this.

I am not strong.

I JUST WENT THROUGH THIS. I JUST DID! I JUST FINISHED NOT HAVING A BRAIN TUMOR.

COME ON!

I cannot believe I have this AND a dentist appointment in the same week. Seriously. Next thing you'll tell me it's the all-jazz-all-cilantro Thanksgiving this year. With mimes.

My father did point out that if it is something, that at least I could get a wig that didn't, you know, frizz up. Which I guess is something. But in the meantime I am not taking it one step at a time. I am not being stoic. I am not keeping my wits about me.

THIS IS HORRIFYING.

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Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

69 thoughts on “Wherein June is inspirational to no one.”

  1. First thing tomorrow morning call the mammogram place back and INSIST they tell you again s-l-o-w-l-y what the first woman told you. Write it down. Ask her to spell whatever words you don’t know. If you go online to research, take the info with a grain of salt. I won’t tell you not to worry, but the odds are in your favor.
    The dentist? Seems a little less important now doesn’t it…

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  2. First thing tomorrow morning call the mammogram place back and INSIST they tell you again s-l-o-w-l-y what the first woman told you. Write it down. Ask her to spell whatever words you don’t know. If you go online to research, take the info with a grain of salt. I won’t tell you not to worry, but the odds are in your favor.
    The dentist? Seems a little less important now doesn’t it…

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  3. Hey girl..yes it is BUT, yes there is a BUT…density of tissue is not uncommon is my understanding. (Been there, done that…that’s how I know it is truly is terrifying.) I’m in your corner.

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  4. Oh sweetie!
    Try to relax, find out as much as you can and then do what you have to (I agree with Peggy). I know it’s hard to deal with the unknown, I went through over 9 months of testing before I got an answer. Hang in there. Love on the babies & Marvin, they are there for you!

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  5. I agree with the other commenters – and I’m an ICU nurse, Call them back, make them talk slow, – their job is for you to understand. It is fairly common finding.

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  6. I think your dad sounds like a wonderful person. While you’re looking up diagnoses online, peruse some fancy wig stores. They’ve got amazing stuff nowadays.
    And aren’t you glad you got that Disease A La Mode feature up just in time?
    Seriously, LOVE you June, will be praying. Hard.

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  7. And did said nurse end the conversation with “And have a Happy Thanksgiving!” I swear, most of the medical professionals are missing a sensitivity chip (just like Brad Pitt, per Jen Aniston). Stay positive. Easier said than done–I empathize. I am a constant worrier/hypochondriac just like you!

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  8. I was going to panic with you except that you are so endearing, and so funny, that I can’t really believe there’s anything seriously wrong. I will apply my Super Mind Powers to Will you Well.
    I’d buy you a drink if I knew you in real life.

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  9. And yet you are still entertaining–not that I’m laughing at your horrors (I’m not).
    Now would be the time to make your pact with Satan.
    Think it’s possible it’s just another sinus infection? Maybe it will be something so minor, like whatever tiny lump my mother-in-law had that required her to have a little removal surgery (do you have a lot to spare? I haven’t exactly been STUDYING) and a little radiation and she was done. No hair loss. Not much getting sick. And aren’t you glad you had the mammo done when you did?

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  10. I don’t know how not to worry. So I can’t help you there. But I will pray for it to be nothing but extra boob tissue. And I will pray that your dental visit is fast and painless! Hang in there. At least it is only a week a way. Wasn’t the tumor stuff happening at 2 week intervals?

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  11. Jeez June. Did you spit in the fate’s cyclops eye? I agree with Jane –good thing you got that disease ala mode feature up and going. You’re going to be OK. You’re stronger than you think. We’ll pray for you, but I really think it’s going to turn out OK. Love,

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  12. Take a deeeeeeeeeeeeep breath. Okay? Now, here’s a hug. A really, really big hug. {{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}} (do you know how hard it is for me to find those squiggly things on my keyboard in the dark?)
    When this is all over, I’ll tell you all of the funny (seriously) things that are going through my brain.

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  13. For all it’s worth, June, I started having mammograms at 35 because the doctor said “your boobs are too big and too dense, we better check that”. And then, e-ve-ry year, they find a density and make me redo it.
    But see – and you are afraid of having to go to a hospital outside the U.S. – I have my mammograms in Brazil, using electronic equipment that allows a doctor in the mammogram center to check it right away, while you wait still with just a robe in case you have to go back.
    It’s the right thing to do, when the image is not good, to ask for a second screening. But this happens all the time with many, many women, with no problem being found.
    Having said that, do not keep your wits! You are allowed to be horrified as much as you want :-).

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  14. Dear June, You have many savvy and empathetic
    fans. Peggy’s suggestion about calling the mammogram place and getting detailed info sounds right on. Good luck. I’m pulling for you. Sending bazillions of good vibes your way.

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  15. I have been through the scare of a suspicious finding on a mammogram, and I was petrified with fear. When the report returned negative, I literally felt able to breathe again. It is dang scary. You are in my prayers.

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  16. First of all, ditto to Peggy.
    And B) “I cannot believe I have this AND a dentist appointment in the same week. Seriously. Next thing you’ll tell me it’s the all-jazz-all-cilantro Thanksgiving this year. With mimes.” People this funny don’t get to have breast cancer. Seriously. I read it on the internet which means it must be true.
    And finally, your dad has some sensitivity there, no?

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  17. Will you scan the mammagram and post for us? Donna might want to float it family photo. Course with it squished flat and all, it might look like a full moon in the background.
    Let us know what the nurse says, so we can begin our research!

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  18. Three years ago when I went for my yearly mammogram they called back and said because of density I would need to come in for additional pictures and an ultra sound. I called my regular doctor and his nurse said lots of women have to have additional testing because of dense breasts. Sometimes it is because of large boobs and sometimes it’s because of saggy boobs, just kidding on the saggy part, sometimes it’s because ss we age our breasts get denser. Go figure.
    Every year now they call me back and I have to go in for additonal testing. It’s always okay, they are just being thorough. I have started asking the other women who are there if they are back for additional testing and it’s amazing how many are.
    I know it is only normal to be anxious but really it will be okay. I hope this has helped a little. Just hang in there.

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  19. I’m sorry, June, I know I’d be worried too. All you can do is breath and maybe keep yourself super busy until Tuesday, that way it keeps your mind off it.

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  20. ok, deep breath. This *IS* common. This is also your first mammogram, right? So even if you are ‘lumpy’ you’d never have known it? And, you’re going through this for a reason because if you get a GOOD scan, you know what to expect in the future. I agree – call back to the centre, ask to speak to someone else – see if they have a healthcare counselor on staff. They’re trained to speak in ‘real people’ words, not the terms even you can’t spell. 🙂
    And, if you see a mime on Thanksgiving, you have express, written consent to punch it out.
    Glad to hear kitty’s doing “well”.
    Oh, and when crying doesn’t happen anymore? Go out in the back yard and scream. Seriously. It helps!

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  21. June-boob,
    Some folks are strong and others face their fears with humor.
    We all heave a collective groan and give you a huge cyber hug. You will be ok in the boob department, although all bets are off on the broken tooth.
    Think positive, think about your trip to NYC, and know that we are all sending good thoughts to you.
    Relax-
    Moo-udder

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  22. Ok, so I was going to give you the perky talk but decided I’d just tell you I would be totally freakin’ out too. THAT SAID. Everyone in my family has dense boobas. Except sissy Jan, I think. Anyway, that is the very reason I am hesitant to get mine squished. I’ve already been told they are dense and they are bog so I KNOW it will hurt and then they will call me back for more fun. ALL my Aunts have to go back for more and so does my Mom. Dense breasts are very very common and since they don’t have a baseline for you they have to be careful. I am glad they are takingthis precaution.
    Truly, I’d be more worried about the ding dang tooth.
    So for what it’s worth, I tend to pray a lot. Like, all day. Just talkin’ to God. So I’ll be sure to mention my “friend” June and Ask Him to make sure your boobas are fine and also to help you be less scared, nervous and to comfort you.
    (((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))
    Hugs to you!

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  23. Ditto all the wise women who have come and commented before me.
    It is common. Are your hoo-ha’s big girls? That could be part of it. Are they normally lumpy? That could be it. Were you close to have a period? That can cause some abnormal findings. I understand your worry and I understand your being scared, we, your faithful follwers, are here in funny posts and in worried posts. You will be OK and you will be fine! We all love you, June!
    Have you mentioned anything to Dennis? He has proven his emotional availability already, you know he is there when you need a shoulder to cry upon. He doesn’t know anyone at the mammogram center, does he??? We know he is a tricky one, that little menace.
    Seriously… let us know. We love you!

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  24. You have such shit luck. Sorry. I would say “don’t panic” and “think positive” but until you get back your “all is well” results, I know you can’t do that. So just get drunk.

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  25. Ditto of what Jan said. Seriously, if you have curves, it can cause density issues.
    After they did the tortilla press on me, they did a ultrasound that took like three minutes. Call the office tomorrow and ask that a real nurse or tech call you and NOT the front desk bimbo that just makes routine calls with the heart of an answering machine. Also, call back Dr. Yoo’s office or whomever and ask to speak with the nurse there. The real nurse. Ask if they need you to go in for a redo or ultrasound before you come to the appointment on ?Tuesday? was it… you don’t want to show up for them to send you directly back to the beginning of the process again. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you not to worry! This is why all these tests are a problem. I elected to have a pregnancy amniocentesis for an elevated blood level that should have been ignored. Seriously, relax. It will be OK.

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  26. Sometimes a good cry is the best. A really good ugly cry. And I’d be panicked as well so no way can I sit here and tell YOU not to be. Here’s hoping the week flies by, you’re able to sleep some, the dentist appointment goes well and then all will be fine in the end. In the meantime, here is a {{{hug}}} from a complete stranger :o)

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  27. June .. the most important thing in what the lady from the mammo centre told you is “but it also says it doesn’t look like a malignancy.”. You need to focus on that sentence.
    Women’s breast tissue changes with their monthly cycle .. also the density they see is quite often calcification or fatty tissue .. both of which are not harmful.
    On saying all of that I can still understand why you are scared. :o)
    Also? your father’s suggestion about the wig .. imagine this .. you could have a range of styles and colours and lengths. You would be like Cher. :o)

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  28. I just went through a 10 day period waiting for the biopsy results on an abnormal mole, and the wait was NOT FUN. But it was okay, as in not melanoma, just abnormal. It was removed and I’m good to go!
    Try not to think the worst because really the odds are in your favor. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.

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  29. can i do anything to help you? even if it is make plans to distract you? go see a movie? go to dinner? watch horrible christmas movies that are secretly fabulous? go get mani/pedis?
    are you in g-boring for thanksgiving?

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  30. Ah, yes. The Boobal Density. I could tell you about Death Watch 2006-07 but I don’t know how long this comment space is. Then I went for my annual mammo this past August and AGAIN with the density. AGAIN with the mammograms and sonograms. (But no Teddy Grahams? Really, that would help. I’m a stress eater.) Anywho, as of last month said density was officially classified as a non-threatening cyst, which makes me wonder if other cysts are armed or insane or just what, and I am cleared for another year. So not to worry, especially since Nurse Sandpaper said it doesn’t look malignant. Still, I am sending good thoughts your way and I will consume a sleeve of Oreos in honor of your stress.

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  31. Even in your darkest hours, you most definitely ARE an inspiration to us. How many women are on the phone this very minute calling their local booby squisher? How many are calling on the Most Mighty One right now to do His part for you? How many are laughing at your dad about his goofy wig joke, thinking, man, I’m glad she has humor in her life, or this could REALLY be tough. You da bomb, June. You’ll be O.K.

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  32. Yes apparently we all get denser as we get older—-boobs I mean. lol Went through the same thing you are going through. Think positive.
    Also hate HATE going to the dentist. Had a cracked tooth too and the dentist was so good with pain killers that even though i HATE dentists I didnt feel a thing and was glad I went in the end and had it fixed up straight away.
    Oh and yes –as mentioned in one of the comments a floating moon (boob) in the floating head photo would just about top all so far. HUGS to you.

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  33. Breathe, June. And relax. Ask for really good, strong drugs at the dentist (it helps) and do not freak out about the boob density watchit until you find out more from your doctor. And, if you’re going to freak out, wait until the mime shows up.

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  34. It sucks. Flat-out sucks. The odds are in your favor, and you’re going to be fine, and all that jazz, but until the doctor actually sits down and explains all that – I’m sorry that it sucks…
    My oldest son complained that his hip hurt last year, and I took him to one of those urgent care clinics. Within 2 hours they had taken more x-rays that I’ve ever seen, and told me he wasn’t allowed to walk, because he had to have massive hip surgery within the week.
    He didn’t, but what ensued was 6 months of trying to keep a 7 year old in a wheelchair, with no confirmed diagnosis. They still don’t know what was wrong, just that now, he’s okay.
    And you know what, it sucked. But every day we got up and ate breakfast and made the best of it. Because I sure as hell wasn’t going to waste a day with my son, especially since I didn’t know what was really going on. (And who knows how many days we have left, anyway? The healthiest person on the planet could have a piano dropped on his head – if he walks under the wrong window.)
    Give the kitties (and Tallulah) hugs. Enjoy time with Mr. Gardensalad. And just keep moving forward. You’re perfectly normal (at least in the breast department). 😉

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  35. And what exactly are Mr. Gardensalad’s thoughts on this *development*? Is he a typical man who pats your shoulder and says, “you’re ok, honey. Pass the mustard”.
    Ok, fellow June readers! Me thinks we need to plan a “surprise” trip to see June in NC. Wouldn’t that be so much fun? We could all wear name tags with our comment name on it so we’ll know each other. Of course, my real name is Lee so I won’t be so much fun. Who’s in???

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  36. I had a mammygram when I was ten. Yes TEN years old. They found a “density” I still have said “density” decades (I’m not going to say how many decades but many) later and it is fine. They just freak out every other year when I have my boobs squeezed.
    I hope it’s nothing. I am visualizing it’s nothing. Yeup it’s nothing. 🙂

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  37. June. I am sitting here howling and sobbing at the same time. This is NOT FAIR and how can you be so DING and also DANG funny when you are suffering!?
    I am praying for you, that it will be nothing, and that the procedures in the meantime will not be as uncomfortable as you anticipate. Sigh…
    ((HUG))
    Hey, visit my friend’s blog. She is going thru the EXACT same thing – except for without the dentist thing and the recent brain tumor thing. GAWSH, how much should one person have to take?
    http://blackbeltoma.blogspot.com/2008/11/us.html

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  38. Well. I feel better knowing this has happened to lots of other women and that it’s often nothing. I want to be reassuring or helpful or funny or SOMETHING for you. This must be scary. I’m praying for you to have peace about this and not to worry, for God to hold you close and ease your fears, for friends who will be supportive and good to you, and for your week of dreadful appointments to fly by and turn out just fine.
    And no matter what the card says, I don’t know anything about any sort of jazz mime delivering a Joys of Cilantro cookbook to your office. Maybe it was that mammogram heifer’s sorry attempt at an apology.

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  39. That’s incredibly carpy! It’s most likely nothing but the wait and the worry is awful. I’m sending my healthy California vibes your way.

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  40. “And no matter what the card says, I don’t know anything about any sort of jazz mime delivering a Joys of Cilantro cookbook to your office. Maybe it was that mammogram heifer’s sorry attempt at an apology.”
    bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
    hooo!!!! haaa!!!! ha! ahem.
    ok, back to my regularly scheduled programming.

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  41. Chances are it is just fibrous tissue.You exercise and eat right,so odds are in your favor that it’s nothing.Still I understand how scared it is.

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  42. Hi June,
    I’m not going to tell you about my density that turned out to be nothing. I’m not going to tell you about my friend who had multiple chest xrays only to be told the original “spot” was a smudge on the machine. Oh and I’m not going to tell you not to worry, b/c I am not going to tell you how I would handle the situation. Just know I’m praying for you and wishing you well and removing all signs of cilantro, jazz, and mimes from our Thanksgiving repertoire – no promises on Christmas.

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  43. I’m in the same boat. I got a letter in the mail yesterday from my mammogram on Monday. They want to do more test in order to properly evaluate my breast tissue. I go back on Tuesday, which is my BIRTHDAY! What a bummer. I talked with my Dr.’s nurse and she said the report states, “I have a ‘new’ nodule in my breast approximately .06 cm (that’s about 1/4 inch.” My question is, if it’s new, are there others “old” ones?? Sweetie, I know exactly how you feel!!!!!! We can only take one day at a time. I will pray for you that you will have peace during this very difficult time.

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  44. I can send this DING and DANG puppy to keep your mind off of your problems. As much as I love her she is harder to handle than a baby. Do you know I already have to rock her to sleep? When do they puppies start sleeping through the night?
    Have a great holiday.

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  45. At least you now have an excuse to eat to your heart’s content. “ssshh…leave June alone…she’s depressed”. And everyone will just back away slowly from the table as you sit there licking the mashed potato bowl while eating pumpkin pie.

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  46. Oh, June – the lengths you go to to keep your loyal readers enthralled! Seriously, here’s hoping everything turns out to be nothing (carpy mammograms are worth a de-lurk)

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  47. On the upside there are 1 million people walking around with brain tumors and don’t even know it.At least you know you’re not one of(“them”) hee…

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  48. Same thing happened to Sheila. The mammogram office called; not the doctor’s office. The doctor’s office had not seen the x-ray. The mammogram office had almost no helpful info and told her to come back for another test. She made a doctor’s appt., went and had another test. It was only a cyst. I guess they’re very common but she cried for a week, too, before she knew for sure. Try not to worry.
    Drove by your old pink house tonight. Miss you.

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  49. Best of luck June. I am sure everything will be fine. Sorry you have to go through it all at once. But you know that people all around the world are thinking good thoughts about you and hoping you are just fine. You are loved.

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  50. Just think June, it could be worse if the dentist had to drill your boob and the mammoheifer had to put your tooth/head in the tortilla press.

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  51. Okay, this is the week that you get to be an absolute be-atch on wheels and threaten Mr Gardensalad’s manhood if he even THINKS of watching one of those ENDLESS Who documentaries. He is to YOKO you until you know exactly what is going on, bring you Sonic chili dogs and take care of your every single need. And I’m just the woman to take him out if he loses focus for an instant!
    We’re here for you girlfriend, hang in there!

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  52. Ok. “J” should most certainly win comment of the week. Even if this is serious stuff. “the mammoheifer” just killed me. How come people see MY name and think I am a boy but they see the letter “J” and assume you’re a girl? Huhn????
    “J”??? Do you have a blog?? Me thinks you and June should write one together.
    I am assuming June is reading our comments, but not wanting to talk about it just as she didn’t want to talk about The Tumahh.
    June ~ We miss you and love you. That is all.

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  53. Did your Non-Brain Tumor teach you nothing? Stop worrying and simply do what they want you to do. Everything will be fine! I hope your tooth is o.k. You should do what I do. My dentist is drop dead beautiful. You don’t notice the pain when you are looking at a hot doctor!

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  54. June,
    This happened to me. And I spoke with the same robotic troll. You are going to get the super masher which hurts a little more and you will have to wait for results (AGAIN!) But you will be okay…if Hank the miracle angel baby can pull through what he did, this is cake-I mean pie. I’ll be praying for you and giving thanks tomorrow for all the laughs you have given me!

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  55. Well, piss, peeling eggs and washing sheets and towels for company that is one the way and just found I used the last ding dang capful of my Downy Special Pleasures. Is there anybody out there that could administer the beating I would rather have over going to Walwart today, the DAY before Thanksgiving!

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  56. Logged on to have you cheer me up. I “gave my job back to my company” last Tuesday and I am ‘Mrs.Did-I-do-the-right-thing-sad-grumpypants’ today.
    Your post definitely puts things into perspective though. I’ll be saying lots of prayers for peace for you – for the dentist – and for the mamm. issue also. I love this quote from Corrie ten Boom: “Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it robs today of its strength.” Feel better (emotionally & physically) soon!!

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