Awhile back,  Marvin's aunt–who I will call Auntie Garp–and I got into a pertinent discussion about Joy perfume. Actually it was about two seconds long. She said, "Marvin's grandmother used to wear Joy." And I said, "Oh, I have always wanted to smell that."

Let me tell you what. When I was about eight years old, I saw an ad somewhere for Joy perfume, and when I read their slogan, "The costliest perfume in the world," I was hooked.

I do not know why I fit into the Joy perfumers' demographic, with my eight-year-old-living-in-Saginaw-Michigan-in-my-hippie-parents'-house-with-the-black-and-white-zigzag-shag-carpeting -and-poster-of-Bette-Midler-in-the-living-room self, but that marketing ploy TOTALLY hooked me. I absolutely wanted Joy perfume.

I still fall for marketing schemes such as this. Have you seen those high heels with the red soles that cost $750? What are they? Christian Louboutin shoes, right? Yeah. I would sell my left grandmother for a pair of those shoes. And why? Who is going to see my soles? I'll tell you who. If I had a pair of those shoes, I would purchase gynecological stirrups and a gurney and wheel myself everywhere so you could ALL see my soles ALL THE TIME. It would be so worth it.

So, ever since I was eight I have wanted to at least smell Joy perfume, to see if it smelled costly, but you know what, it is never up there on the counter at Penney's with the Clinique Happy and the Estee Lauder Pleasures and I have never gotten to smell it.

Until yesterday.


Marvin's Auntie Garp remembered what I said about wanting to smell Joy, and because I had such a craptacular week last week, she sent me some. Here it is duking it out with my Muguet Du Bois.

And you know I almost didn't open the package? I've got my mother sending me packages saying, "I'm sending you something but don't open it till Christmas" and I've got my Aunt Mary saying, "I'm sending you a pre-Christmas gift so it's okay to open anything that comes from me directly but not anything that comes from a store" and I am getting so confused I don't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my arse, but open that package I did, and when I saw that bottle of Joy I did this for 10 solid minutes:

DSCF1525How Big Hair sicken Winston, with her crass consumerism.

Anyway, THANK YOU, AUNTIE GARP. I smell so…costly.

25 thoughts on “Ode to Joy

  1. Mother says:

    Our zigzag carpet was not shag. The carpet in your red, white and blue becentenial bedroom was shag and red.


  2. Tee says:

    The stirrups and gurney absolutely cracked me up!!!!! ROFL holding my sides. I’m glad I didn’t have a mouth full of liquid, because it would have been all over the computer. I have seen those shoes–Oprah was wearing a pair one day on her show. Too bad we don’t have smell-a-blog, then we could enjoy the Joy with you. That was really a sweet of Marvin’s aunt. I know she’s your most favorite aunt in the whole wide world now and forever more.


  3. June says:

    Dear Auntie Garp,
    And the stirrups? Are they out of the question…?


  4. Auntie Garp says:

    Glad the perfume made you so happy. But don’t count on the Louboutin shoes coming next.


  5. Ree says:

    Why is there a paintbrush on your dresser?


  6. Lee says:

    Jan’s June Variety Hour had me laughing as hard as the visual of June wheeling herself about on a gurney in a lovely paper gown, socks and her red soled shoes. Socks? Ask you? YES! DOn’t tell me you all don’t wear socks on that got forsaken table whilst your feet are inthe stirups.


  7. Hautemama says:

    Aw, that’s so nice! In other news… I didn’t realize that you had a big mole on your nose before…. oh wait, that’s not a mole, I have a speck on my screen. Now it’s on your forehead… nose again – hee hee! Thanks for pointing it out. 🙂


  8. lauren says:

    don’t sell your left grandmother! she is so sweet!


  9. arlene says:

    Wish I had me an Auntie Garp. You lucky duck! BTW, your teeth look great and uncracked.


  10. Bonnie says:

    Joy to the world.


  11. Karen P says:

    I can totally picture Jan’s June Variety Hour, except I am pretty sure you’d be singing you some ABBA.


  12. Karen says:

    I’m stepping out of the lurking shadows to say hello. Thank you for your hilarious blog. You tickle me. How can it be that I’ve never heard of Joy perfume? Anyway, enjoy it. But, I am curious, what does Marvin Gardensalad think about it?


  13. Jan says:

    So I have a vision of you, adorned in your red-soled Loubotins, wheeling through the mall on your gyno table belting out a show tune. “I feel pretty… oh so pretty… I feel pretty and witty and gay…”, and your arms are all akimbo and your hair is big and you are just belting out the sond with all the Joy in your heart. It’s like the June Variety Hour. I bet you would pity any girl who wasn’t you that day.


  14. Culpepper says:

    You lucky, lucky girl. That is one of the greatest gifts ever. Did you ever see the movie “Max Duggan Returns” with Jason Robards and Marsha Mason? In that movie rich old Max Duggan(Jason Robards) puts Joy in his daughters (Marsha Mason’s) cheap perfume bottle. When she sprays her perfume and realizes that the cheap stuff has been replaced with the good stuff her facial expression looks just like yours. I love me some Max Duggan and some Auntie Garp!


  15. Aubrey says:

    So all I can think of is Jim Carrey as the Grinch saying about the Whos–“They’re joyful AND triumphant.” That’s how you look. Or you look JOYful and Winston looks triumphant…or aloof.


  16. June says:

    Joy smells good. And I’m not allegic to it, as I am a lot of perfume. I think it is because it is old, and whatever chemical they put in stuff today is not in there.
    I was sniffin’ myself all ding-dang day. I enjoy my Joy. Do you think the makers of Joy perfume got mad when Joy detergent got invented?


  17. Gladys says:

    Ok that did it! You made me spew very uncostly Cabernet out my nostrils. I believe I will have to site you for alcohol abuse. OMG…
    So how does it smell? I’ve never been able to afford to smell it.
    Oh as for the Loubotins…I got a pair. shhhh don’t tell Kahuna. He doesn’t know a Loubotin from a lobotomy. I found the on sale at Nordstroms Off the Rack. Yeup for a mere fraction of the cost of what the unsale price is. The problem is I don’t want to wear them and scuff up the red souls or the red soles. Maybe I could get my doctor friend to give me a pair of those shoe thingies they put over their shoes in surgery. Hey I’ll ask her if you can borrow her gyno table. The one that the ass falls out of.


  18. J says:

    p.s. Who in the world discovered that whale vomit would be good in perfume? Why not cat or possum?


  19. Krista says:

    So . . . did you like the Joy perfume? I have to know! And the stirrups/gurney vision is one of the funniest things I’ve read here!


  20. J says:

    Is it ambergris that makes the Joy so costly?


  21. Lee says:

    I LOVE AUNTIE GARP!!!!!!!!!!!
    How does it smell? If you type real quiet, Auntie Garp won’t hear you.


  22. Nonie says:

    Okay…I am one of the lurkers that you have caught red handed and all I can say is that I am laughing for “Joy”. Smell good?


  23. Dee from Tennessee says:

    Laughed out loud, oh yes I did. (Not sure, but souls vs. soles?)
    Anyhoo…you made my day!! I LOVE your blog!


  24. FYI says:

    If you’ve got yourself all jacked up in those sturups it’s not the soles of your shoes people are gonna be looking at.


  25. Cyndi says:

    The stirrups/gurney idea may just be the funniest thing I have ever read. I hope you cracked yourself up when writing it.


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