Look at this terrible creature.

DSCF1535Okay, she's sort of cute. And devil-eyed. Nevertheless, she is a DREADFUL being who did MANY BAD THINGS while we were out EARNING HER KEEP today.

Tallulah decided to become a consumer of books. Literally.

DSCF1529First she had visions of sugarplums dancing in her…jowls. Sugarplum is one of my favorite books from childhood. It is about a little doll who somehow gets caught in a jar of sugarplum jelly. Do not even ask how, or why this makes for a good story, or how she breathed in there. All I know is the part where she looks out on the world through her jelly-colored glass? Helped make pink my favorite color. For life.

SugarAm I going to be sued by the Sugarplum people for showing you this? The book has been out of print forever, I think. WHICH ADDS INSULT TO DOG INJURY. My friend Dottie searched hither and yon for this book for me, and now where is it? In my canine's gullet, that's where.

But was she satisfied with Sugarplum? Oh, no! Lula decided to become dogged in her pursuit of grammar and spelling. She gets it from her mother. So she sank her teeth into The Chicago Manual of Style.

DSCF1532This style guide is only unbelievably crucial to me when I'm freelancing, and they only cost 45 hundred thousand billion dollars.

So, basically, who do you think I am pleased with?

The only bright side to this? Is I had a PERFECT excuse to fire the insane dog walker today, not that I needed a further one. Starting Monday, Tallulah goes back to dog day care. She is clearly bored out of her skull all day, and is trying to find reading material to keep herself amused.

My firing email was three sentences long. Woo-hoo! And email. I know. Brave!

Speaking of my little book-banner, guess who turns one horrid year old tomorrow? Does she stop being a puppy tomorrow?

DOES SHE? (I'm not grabbing your collar desperately or anything.)

DOES IT STOP TOMORROW?!?!?! I'd look in my puppy book but I seem to have misplaced it…

23 thoughts on “Dogged

  1. Gin says:

    Get her a Nylabone and a Kong (stuff Kong with peanut butter). Those will keep her busy for at least an hour, haha. Really though. Buy those things. You’ll be glad.


  2. How can you be sure that it was Tallulah and not the dog walker?! Maybe the walker was trying to send you a message – how could you know?
    Then, this is coming from the woman who found a dead fish on her balcony two days ago, so maybe it’s just on my mind.


  3. Nancy in FL says:

    Well, on the upside at least you know what you are having for dinner….. dog meat.
    Sorry about all your special books. The Apple Strudel Soldier was my favorite….. a war was in full swing when they ran out of ammunition…. All they had left was apple strudel and so they fired that…. they all became friends. The End.


  4. Jenny says:

    Did you start your email with “Dear insane dog walker,”?


  5. Auntie Garp says:

    Since Garp was already a year old when I got him from the Humane Society, he was pretty much over chewing things–which doesn’t mean he didn’t constantly get into and onto places he shouldn’t have, like on top of the kitchen table, from whence he couldn’t get down. His main thing for about a year was grabbing the toilet paper and running through the house with it, so my place was often TPed. But when he finally got over it, it was kind of sad because I knew his puppihood days were pretty much over. So “enjoy” it while you can–and seriously consider putting up bookshelves on brackets right under the ceiling like I did in my library (i.e. the room you and Marvin slept in). That takes the books out of Lula’s reach and also is nice because it takes no space up in the room.


  6. Apronstrings says:

    Also, following the theme of people who don’t understand my obsession with June and her blog, a friend emailed me a picture today from when I was 16…big hair and everything…it’s priceless. Once I overcame my horror, my first thought was, “Oh, June has to see this”. It reminded me of the random family portraits you were posting a couple weeks ago. Wish I could figure out how to put it here. haha


  7. Apronstrings says:

    When I worked at Barnes & Noble and we couldn’t find a book for a customer (rare but it happened) we always directed them to http://www.bookfinder.com Maybe Sugarplum is there.


  8. lee says:

    Me thinks the dog walker knew it was coming and SHE set Lula up. I can just see that no good for nothin walker snarling and chewing on Sugar Plum. Why, the nerve of her!


  9. J says:

    Another think to keep in mind before you buy those seventy million dollared red-soled Lobotomy shoes. Even worse if Lula chews them while you are wearing them.


  10. Sharon says:

    It could be worse, as many have said here. My sister’s lab ate her false teeth (just the tops, she said gratefully, but with a lisp) and my other sister’s lab ate her glasses while she napped. Labs – they are the circus clowns of the dog world and apparently gluttony personified.


  11. Karen says:

    She’s still going to be a “puppy” for another year or two, which means you can send her to my house to eat my style manual…


  12. Stacey says:

    My first time posting a comment but I read your blog daily. Our lab actually DID mature after she turned 2. But, I homeschool and we are home A LOT. It is definitely a boredom issue. Their devilish creatures, but ya gotta love em. 🙂


  13. Ree says:

    Was she at least appropriately sorry? And vocabulary-improved?


  14. Jan says:

    I am officially requesting the e-mail to the dog walker be posted forthwith. I’m sure it’s great.


  15. Dottie says:

    I cannot believe she ate Sugarplum, the bitch!!! Just keep her away from Miss Jaster’s Garden (although that would be considerably cheaper to replace than Sugarplum). Lucky for Tallulah that she is so cute. Most dogs stay in a puppyish stage until about two years old; but I wouldn’t be too concerned with the stories from the Lab owners, given that Tallulah hasn’t got a drop of Lab blood in her veins. Lincoln the pit bull, who is 10, is very sedate. Get those large bookshelves up and keep only dog-proof things on the lower shelves!


  16. Sharone says:

    Oh, the Chicago Manual of Style…that hurts! But Tallulah was just trying to relate to you and share your interests (pink and punctuation, obviously). Sweet, really. But if she shows up with your haircut and starts getting friendly with Marvin, I’d say run.


  17. chacha says:

    Ahhh. I think I might have commented a few months back about this very age. Around 11 months, they become heathens. Mine decided to go behind the TV/audio equipment, move the TV stand (since it’s on wheels) and chew through all the electrical wires. Including the surge protector which SPARKED when I unplugged it. I’m sure they got a jolt and a half. Maybe they liked it because they severed the TV, the DVD player, and the receiver cords.
    The following week they chewed the arm of my new $2700 leather couch. Last straw for me. They were banned from being alone in the house until they were 2.
    11 months is THE WORST time of puppyhood.


  18. Gladys says:

    Let me answer no she doesn’t and my lab puppy is now 6 years old and she ate the garage door.
    Now if you are looking for your book I suggest looking in her #2 for your book. It’s a shitty job but hey if your really interested.
    Oh and YEAH fired snoopy, snooty dog walker!


  19. Cat says:

    I don’t think labbish dogs quit being puppies until there about five and decide that it’s time to act like an old man. Sorry.


  20. Tee says:

    That first photo looks just like a mug shot (no pun intended). So is she off to jail? Does this mean you will have to drop her off to daycare every morning like a kid to daycare?
    I would be upset too if my cat ate my “Dr. Goat” book.


  21. See, now you can show that crappy dog walker she only eats the good stuff, lol.


  22. donna says:

    Sorry I meant SHE not HE. Sorry


  23. donna says:

    Maybe he was looking for a Reader’s ” digest” to digest.
    Maybe the dog walker talked him into trying a new diet.
    Or he was bored and wanted to read your fav books.
    maybe a hint for a bedtime story to be read each night?


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