All Apronstrings, All the Time

I am in the middle of Christmas cards. Not literally. I'd have to be awfully, you know, flat. But I am in the middle of WRITING them, and it is at times like this that I wish Marvin had insisted that I convert to Judaism.

I left off on the Ls and I have already written 33 cards. And that doesn't even count the people of Tiny Town, who for some reason I have listed in a separate book, because everything needs to be as difficult as possible.

And can you tell me why I know so many Bs? And I do not mean beeyotches, I mean literally people whose names start with the letter B. It's like Sesame Street came over and took up residence in my address book. June's address book is brought to you by the letter B.

Can I just tell you a story that has the F word in it? If you are going to lose your mind and your eyeballs are going to pop out and burst into flames, then just bleep over the next paragraph. 

My old neighbor Alicia back in LA was from Spain and although she spoke English really well, sometimes she messed it up in really hilarious ways. Alicia had a run-in with a celebrity, and oh, how I wish I could tell you who the celebrity was but I am afraid that somehow I will get sued or something. You know, with all the really high-powered people reading this fascinating blog. Anyway, Alicia called me to tell me about the celebrity and how awful she was, and she said, "Meja, she was a fuckin' B." Like, somehow Alicia thought the F word was perfectly okay to say, but man, you'd better say "B" and not "bitch."

But none of this is why I gathered you all here today. My REAL reason was so that we could poke fun at yet another faithful reader's photograph.

Apron 

Faithful reader Apronstrings sent me this picture of her in Italy, from a trip she took last week.

Okay, how long am I gonna drag that joke out each time, with the obviously dated photographs? Actually, Apronstrings dates this photo to circa 1983, she is not entirely sure, seeing as she LIVED in Italy for a few YEARS, and we are all supposed to feel sorry for her that she wore these unfortunate shorts.

Now, Apronstrings was particularly mortified by her hair in this photograph, but I don't think think it's that bad. First of all, Marvin is going to be passionately in love with her because he likes him a redhead SO BAD, and secondly she was able to quite successfully achieve the Farrah thing that I could never, ever get no matter what I did. So I am retroactively envious of the hair.

Really, Apronstrings, I continue to be fascinated by the shorts. They are mom jeans, they are acid wash, they are, you know, rolled up, AND you have added a jaunty red belt. Really, they are all-the-way-around flattering.

Who do you think is delighted that she sent me the photograph? Do you think it's Apronstrings? What if she STILL OWNS the shorts? What if she has them on right now? Do you think I have lost her as a reader? Do you think there is any way I can get her to send them to me, so I can wear them around a, you know, railroad track or wherever she's wearing them here? Do you think it'd be like Sisterhood of the Traveling Shorts, and they'd be this pretty on me, too?

Do you think she is using the F word or the B word about me right about now? Are you gonna tell us? Apronstrings? Hello…?

22 thoughts on “All Apronstrings, All the Time

  1. It’s all so wonderful, I just don’t know what to say first. So first I’ll say your Spanish friend didn’t call herself A-lee-sha, she was A-lee-see-a..am I right? As in, the way it was pronounced? (as if you didn’t get that from my awesome phonics?) I have to know this because when I read I am obsessive about knowing how to pronounce things in my head and my spanish sister-in-law has about 347 friends named Alicia.
    And the f word b story. Love it. And the red haired jean shorted beauty. Its all just so wonderful.

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  2. Emily,
    Yes. When she would call, she would say, “Hi, meja, it’s Aleeseeya.” With about 750 syllables going on in there. You know what’s odd? She is where I left off on my Christmas cards. And this whole post ended up being about her. And shorts.

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  3. I think I had those same shorts only they were pleated in the front. Yeah acid washed came up right under my tits and pleats oh and did I mention I weighed like 75 pounds so I had these really white bird legs. Yeah I was real attractive.
    Ahh Yes, Christmas Cards. See this is why I think I’m just going to go the thrift store and buy 75 really ugly Christmas sweaters and just send them as my cards. That way I can have my computer make the labels and I don’t have to sign them, they will know who sent them.
    Now what size are you June?

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  4. I don’t really think Apronstrings should be held responsible for the shorts, or the belt. It was the 80s, and there were very few things that were visually appealing about 80s fashion. And I actually think the hair is fabulous. It’s total movie star hair! 25-years-ago movie star hair, but still. H-O-T.

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  5. Don’t feel too bad Apronstrings, I think we all had some version of those shorts!
    Ooh, I have to guess the celebrity, even though I understand why you won’t reveal her ever. I’m guessing Julia Roberts. Because I had a few different people tell me that “America’s Sweetheart” she is NOT.

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  6. June .. I do believe that Apronstrings’ hair is actually bigger than your’s .. although I honestly did not think that that was possible.
    Hmmm I’m wondering who the celeb is too .. can’t you give us some clues?

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  7. This is F word, B word stuff is cracking me up. One co-worker to another co-worker called about a business trip to Effingham, IL. Someone wrongly assumed he was saying F ‘ ingham and couldn’t figure out where to book his airline travel. (yeah, I work with geniuses)

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  8. Oh boy… I am sooo jealous of the hair 🙂 I just wonder where in Italy she was able to stand in the middle of the road without a SINGLE car driving on it 🙂
    Cheers Eva
    PS: those are not train tracks, but tram tracks (similar to underground trains, but they’re above the ground).

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  9. The story about Alecia makes me homesick for Silverlake and your beautiful apartment and the bay window overlooking the street. I really loved that place. That girl’s hair looks a lot like yours. You two could have been sisters in the 80’s. The shorts looked awfully comfortable with the waist at just the right place and not halfway down the hips like nowadays, but then I am a mom.

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  10. Every story makes me homesick for that beautiful apartment and that bay window. That was my favorite place I ever lived. Some day I will have to tell my faithful readers about Rik and how we were driven out of that place by his charming stay-at-home-actor self.

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  11. J ~ I live only a few short hours from Effingham. EVERY SINGLE TIME we pass it on the way down to visit my side of the family, the kids brace themselves….I say “I don’t want your F’n Ham” Oh the joy I bring my children.
    June ~ You are killin’ me, smalls.

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  12. Jaunty. That word makes me laugh. I commit to finding a way to use that word today. “My, what a jaunty little pocketbook you have there?” Hmmm,I should look it up to get the right definition. Thanks for the giggle this morning.

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  13. Helloooooooo, Apron Strings. Don’t go away.
    Why were you living in Italy, and where are you now? I lived in Germany for one year, when my former husband worked at IBM. Besides all the incredible chocolate I ate and the black-current juice I drank, (Only had a beer-and-a-half!)I learned a lot from being in a different culture.
    One thing was being “green.” Shoppers in the mid-’70s there routinely used cloth or other shopping bags. Also paper products like napkins, paper towels and plates were not to be found. Everything was cloth. Maybe that has changed, but my appetite for chocolate and black currants has not.
    Ironically, in a country not known for a history of tolerance, I learned a bit of that, too. One has to stretch and bend a bit to understand and appreciate a different way of life. Right, June?

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  14. Cathy!!! We’re practically neighbors! Which direction from F’n Ham are you? I am straight north…Chicagoland. We have family in Salem, Iuka, Centralia. Perhaps we’re related! Seems like every time we down there my Dad introduces me to yet another “cousin”.

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  15. Ooooh, I think tomorrow is the right day for a story about a beautiful apartment and being driven out of it by a charming stay-at-home actor!
    My mother had a polka-dot shirt like that from the ’70s and she wore it every time she volunteered at the church nursery because it mesmerized babies.

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  16. Apronstrings,that is such a beautiful photo. Don’t let June make you feel bad about those (unfortunate) shorts. Ah, to be young and beautiful and traveling through Italy, sigh…so, how many of those hiney pinches did you get?
    June, you realize that we are expecting/demanding the scoop on why you left that never-to-be-forgotten apartment, don’t you? What is the story about Rik?????

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  17. I’ve been to Effingham, IL. Once. For work. Had me my first Crispy Creme there! The company flew me in on a tiny 6-seater private plane & I got to ride in the cockpit. Cool. That’s my Effingham story, and I’m sticking to it!

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  18. Sorry to clog up your address book as one of your “B’s”. Now write me a real email with the name of that fuckin’ B celebrity, please!

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  19. AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! I have no words…a whole post just about me. I love it. The only thing that bothers me is that some of the comments aren’t about me me me. How dare they. Also, my family is so over me for this, but you’ve gained some new readers. Over me for this and for the paparazzi that are now stalking my every move and for my constant demands that someone peel me a grape. Peace out from me and my awesome shorts.

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