AskjuneI won't be ignored, readers. 

In what universe did I think the questions would trickle in?

You asked June, and now June will answer. Apparently, all these questions have made June refer to herself in the third person.

I wanted to throw in an official Ask June photo, by the way, one where I look stern and full of answers, but this one with all the Christmas decorations in the background just kind of makes me look like the least-fun person you'd ever meet at a Christmas party. Also, I like how I have clearly smeared my mascara a little on my right eye, making me an un-fun and also sloppy party guest. Back that ass up.

Anyway, I will answer my mother's question first, which is how am I gonna answer all these ding-dang questions? Here is my plan; tell me what you think. So far, you have asked about 43 questions. Rather than KILL you and drive you to DRINK by answering them all, I thought Fridays could be Ask June day, and each Friday I could answer five more questions — five more of the ones you have asked, and/or any additional questions that come in. Each Thursday I could remind you that Ask June day is here, and you could commence to asking.

The five questions I have answered today (and it is officially Thursday night, but I figure the majority of you will read this on Friday) I picked by going on a "please pick five random numbers" site, which was fun, is what it was. Way more fun than that stiff glaring at you in the spectacles, above. Who am I, Miss Grundy?

J wants to know, What is your IQ?

It's 127, which happens to be the same as Tony Soprano's. I loved The Sopranos, didn't you? Don't you hate people who pronounce it Sopraaaaanos? I know my IQ because my Uncle Leo, who was a schoolteacher, had to give IQ tests for some reason or another and he used me as a guinea pig, even though if you'll recall from my fifth-grade diary, I'm nobody's guinea pig.

He also coincidentally tested a kid who went on to be my high school boyfriend who sometimes reads this blog, and that high school boyfriend recently reminded me that he tested five IQ points higher than me, which bugs me. Said high school boyfriend reminded me that it bugged me then, and I guess I need to feel like I am smarter than my high school boyfriend, even though he did trick me into losing my virginity by saying, on a hot summer day, "Come up to my room. It's cooler upstairs."

Heat RISES, folks. Rises.

Bell wonders, Do you keep a little trash bag for trash in your car?

Oh, Bell. Honey, no. You clearly do not know me in real life, for I am a slob of gargantuan proportions. My car is practically brand-new and it is COVERED in dog fur and coffee and 97 receipts from Harris Teeter and straw wrappers from Sonic. To have a trash bag in my car would mean I was remotely organized, which I am so not.

I was a lot more organized when I freelanced. I do not know how working mothers do it.

Tee queries, Would you discuss affect/effect?

Why yes, yes I would. Here is the most simple method I use for choosing effect/affect. Can you use the word "alter"? Then the correct word is affect. That marijuana really altered my mood! That marijuana really affected my mood!

Your tone has a negative alter on me. Makes no sense, right? So it's "effect." Your tone has a negative effect on me.

Let's try another. The poor economy is really going to alter how often I get my brows waxed. The poor economy is really going to affect how often I get my brows waxed. (By the way, no it isn't.) Will you put a new budget into alter? Will you put a new budget into effect?

See what I mean?

Kristen says, I can do affect and effect but what is the difference between farther and further? 

I swear I used the random chooser thing, but that was a pretty cool segue, if I do say so myself. Plus the word segue is a pretty cool word, as well. How not cool am I? Do you think Fonzie ever cared about the word segue? Do you think that my ideal of cool being Fonzie just made me sink that much lower into uncool territory?

I'll tell you, Kristen, what the difference is between further and farther. One has an 'a' in it and one has a 'u.' BAhahahahahahaha!

Really, though. Farther is always talking about an actual distance. "She ran father than Joe."

Further is your hippie, nebulous, political science  major friend who won't get a real job. It refers to degrees, not real distances. I always think of the line, "I won't discuss this any further." Further is never a real, measurable amount.

So, farther is the accountant, further is the poet.

Bonnie queries, What do you miss about your job as church secretary in Tiny Town?

Oh, so many things. First of all, the building itself was stunning. The church was built in the 1800s, and I was there alone so often, and churches are somehow lovelier when no one is in them, I think. Also, the rector was just a hoot, and who could complain about the hours? Eight to 12, Monday through Thursday? Woo! Tough.

But most of all? Come on now. The women. Those church women were the bomb. They were hilarious, so nice to me, full of the stories, totally fascinating, and I loved it whenever any of them came in. Each one of them was like a little gem in my day. I liked it when they were in the kitchen together, a bunch of them. I would sit in my office and just listen to their voices. They all had classy accents.

So, those are my Ask June questions for today. I enjoyed Ask June. I am dying dying dying to answer all those grammar questions, but I will have to be patient.

Now, go do the right thing.

38 thoughts on “June Answers

  1. Tee says:

    Now that’s not fair, Marvin teaches school, for crying in the cream. That could very well affect your relationship, so don’t tell him.


  2. PlumCow says:

    I have always struggled with that affect versus effect situation. I was thrilled to read, and understand, your explanation.
    I thought I would be a good mom and impart your useful knowledge upon my 13 year old daughter.
    So, in a smug way, I ask her if she knows the difference between effect and affect…
    She just shut me down with a fast response detailing the use of nouns and verbs as they pertain to those two works and then gave me the all encompassing teenage eye-roll and walked away.
    Evidently, you two both paid attention in high school and I did not. (big surprise there.)


  3. June says:

    Ooo! Good use of “further”! And, um, guess who already makes more money than Marvin?


  4. Aubrey says:

    Apparently we are all lost without June and June’s wisdom. I think 5 questions answered are not enough, but do what you will.
    Thanks for explaining affect/effect ad farther/further so well. Where’d you learn this stuff so well? You should be an English professor specializing in grammar. Or something equally boring that makes more money than Marvin–so that your income will go further than his.


  5. Hyphen Mama says:

    LOVE the affect/effect rule doohicky. I’m making a note of it.
    AND, I’m glad you cleared up the comma question, because I was taught–back in the day– that either was perfectly correct. If you hadn’t answered that one, I’d have pulled out my last 3 hairs.
    And? And? Me thinks high school boyfriend earned those extra 5 IQ points with his GENIUS “it’s cooler upstairs” line. GENIUS!
    Now… back to the Axe June post to ask my next question.


  6. Faithful Reader in Pittsburgh says:

    Love the Ask June feature!
    You are smart to ask people to post their questions in the Ask June post, otherwise it will be impossible to keep track of all the question. It was funny though to see you jump to answering a question in this post and then realizing it should actually have waited until the next Q&A :-).


  7. Tee says:

    Well, I guess my question has turned out to be quite popular. Thanks for that great answer, I’ll will remember that little rule. Kind of like a preposition is anything a rabbit can do to a long, jump under it, over it, around it, well of is the exception and I do know you should not end a sentence with a preposition even though I do.
    I thought of you this week. My Hubby and I were walking into the Cracker Barrel for dinner and this little skinny butt, excuse me, very slim young lady went right by us wearing those tight jeans AND she had on a pair of those RED SOLED SHOES!!!! I about flipped out. I told my husband, “look at those shoes, they have red soles.” His response was, “really?”. He just didn’t get it and there is no way under the sun I could have explained your blog to make him understand why I was flipping out.
    “It’s cooler upstairs” just about split my sides, and you face is soooo slim. I’m jealous!


  8. Auntie M says:

    Isn’t that a March cat in the background?


  9. Elsie says:

    Harris Teeter is a chain of grocery stores.
    My favorite example of why the extra comma before the ‘and’ in a series might be needed comes from a real (or fictitious?) book dedication:
    “I owe my success to my parents, Ayn Rand and God.”


  10. Cristy says:

    Love love loving the affect/effect rule. It has permanently affected my life.


  11. lee says:

    I almost didn’t recognize you. Not because of your hair being severely puled back, but because you weren’t in your computer room.


  12. Gertrude says:

    I love the Christmas kitty behind your head.


  13. Paula from NY says:

    Not An Official Axe June Question, but what is a Harris Teeter?


  14. Molly says:

    Can you come up with a handy mnemonic to keep people from trying to correct me when I use “effect” as a verb correctly? If you could effect change in that arena, I’d be ever so grateful.


  15. Your Pal from MA says:

    Oh, June! LOVE the Axe June idea for all of next year! You are the next Erma Bombeck, I tell ya! Wasn’t she wonderful? (Not a direct question, more rhetorical.)
    I will be thinking of some good questions for you for next week – though, you realize, next Thursday is Christmas. I think that since we are all such faithful June blog readers, you should answer the remaining questions from yesterday throughout the weekend and next Monday and Tuesday! It could be your gift to us!! hee hee!
    Whaddya say, faithful readers??? Who’s with me?


  16. Jan says:

    Sorry. I realized it wasn’t Ask June day but THAT DANGED COMMA issue was make me nutty. Thanks for clearing it up. I hate that there isn’t a rule regarding the comma. I don’t think it looks as neat with the comma before the and. Oh, I’m just a little OCD, why do you ask?


  17. June says:

    Actually, Jan, that is a style choice; neither is officially wrong. Some places (and style guides) use the serial comma and some don’t. Where I work now, we put the comma before the “and.” Where I used to work, we didn’t. And THAT is why it’s hard to be a proofreader. Youhave to keep changing the way you think.
    But again, if anyone has an official Ask June question, only ask it in the Ask June post. Otherwise I will never keep track of them all and I will go crazy, berserk, and insane. See what I did there? With the comma?


  18. Jan says:

    I have a question. A punctuation related question. I believe I know the rule but I see it done so often I am afraid I am losing my mind. Since it is the Christmas season, I am seeing it more and more on Christmas Cards. The comma. In inappropriate places. For example:
    Merry Christmas!
    Jane, John, Michael, and Jessica Jones.
    Isn’t it supposed to read:
    Merry Christmas!
    Jane, John, Michael and Jessica Jones.
    With no comma before the and????
    I’m sure the rule is no commma before the and because the comma between the other names is in place of the word “and”. Am I right. (I know I’m right…) Oh. It makes me CR-AAAA-ZY every time (everytime) I see that!


  19. Jamie says:

    Why is your apostrophe post missing?


  20. Ree says:

    Thank you for the effect/affect rule. Damn, that was good. 😉


  21. Paula from NY says:

    Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuune! I am LOVING the affect/effect explanation! I love me some mnemonic devices! Your explanation is so much easier than my going Verb? Noun? AHHHfect? EEEEfect? in my pea brain. LOVE. Smooches.
    I think you need an Axe June (tee!) clicky doohickey on your sidebar. I’m just sayin’. And make it pie-related, willya?!


  22. June says:

    Dear Jan,
    You forget mom is a hippie. Or was. No, she kind of still is. She knew I was doin’ it then. She was the kind of mom you went and told.


  23. Melissa says:

    I think this Ask June idea is ballooning out of control! :o) Yay, June Addicts!!
    I don’t know what you’ve got planned for next year’s blog, but maybe you could do a June-A-Day blog, and let your randomizing website pick one, or five, questions that you answer each day. Whaddya think?
    I will also forever remember the effect/affect guidance. Very much more helpful than “rEsult/Action.” Thank you for edumacating us.


  24. chacha says:

    Looks like lots of us read on Thursday! Especially us Left Coasters.
    Anyway, you are killing me with the Sopranos, already. Suh-prah-noh. I sure hope you don’t mean to have the “a” sound all nasally like the “a” in vampire. My mother would slap me if I started pronouncing Italian words like that (well, maybe not slap me, but you catch my drift).
    Hate me, if you will, but I will continue to pronounce like a true Italiana! :o)


  25. Ha, ha – I read it on Thursday!
    I used “segue” in a post this past week, and I didn’t even need to boast about it. Take that! Oh, and I believe my Harris Teeter receipt collection is larger than your Harris Teeter receipt collection.
    I’m feeling a tad competitive tonight. I don’t know why. But while I am at it, I grew up in the town that the Soprano’s “live” in. Yup – that shot of a winding road at the beginning of the show? That’s my street. I have no idea what my IQ is, though, nor how it compares to Tony Soprano’s.


  26. Sleeping Beauty says:

    if only those stupid Segue things that cops and tourists ride around on were as cool as that word.


  27. J says:

    Damn typepad – hope the comment doesn’t post twice.
    Anyways, I was enjoying the fact that your IQ is the same as my lifelong lucky number. This explains a lot, I think.
    Thanks for the effective affect/effect “rule”. I am sure to refer to it often.


  28. Jan says:

    I love you. Oh, uummm… hhmmm… did that slip out?!?!?! I meant to say I love your post/column. Yeah, that’s it. Uummm… let’s forget I said anything.
    I laughed out loud over the “come up to my room. It’s cooler upstairs”. Oh! That was dinged danged funny. Then I got all nervous and bunched up for you because your momma reads this blog, and I bet she is so, so proud of a young you being tricked into giving up the cookies by such a tricky young man. But it still made me laugh.
    Am loving the “Ask June” segment. Can’t wait for more~


  29. Bonnie says:

    Actually, your appearance is more intense than stern.


  30. Bonnie says:

    I love your stern look, much like the high school librarian I remember when I was a fourth-grader. (I attended a school with grades 1 through 12 and only one library, located in the high-school end of the building.)
    I also loved your answer about your job in Tiny Town. I grew up along the countryside of what seems like a similar place, a town with a population just below 1,000, in Indiana. Lots of churches and church folk. Gotta say I miss the connections. It was like living in a large, extended family.


  31. June says:

    Gladys and anyone else who has Ask June (or even Axe June) questions,
    I think if you have any, go back and ask them at the original “Ask June” post, or on any other posts where I say “It’s Ask June time!” That way I won’t have to search my comments hither and yon for all the questions.
    Hither and yon are good words too. Fonzie probably loves them.


  32. Shannon says:

    I think you’re going to have to invent a weekend-supplemental-Ask-June post in addition to those regularly scheduled to catch up. 😉


  33. Gladys says:

    I was really anxiously awaiting an answer to my meaning of Life questions. Instead I will have to reference Mr. Mel Brooks.
    So can I ask you one for next week or do I have to wait until next Thursday? Enquiring minds really want to know.


  34. Charlie says:

    Wondering if there was a hidden test in all of that? Father/Farther/Further. Say what?
    However I very much enjoyed your lesson on effect/affect. It had a pleasing effect on me. Oh please let that be right ;o)
    P.s. Note to self – heat always rises.


  35. June says:

    Oh crap. I just realized I went and answered Donna’s question straightaway, without waiting for Ask June day or for the special random selector. Oops. I got carried away.


  36. Laurie says:

    Not Friday, but I’m here anyway. How sad is that? (Not an “Ask June” question, just a general question to the universe as a whole.) I am looking forward to more answers from the all-knowing (and rather stern-looking) June.


  37. June says:

    I really don’t know. I guess I always thought they had sharp little ends on them. Don’t they have sharp little ends on them in the movies? Are those bayonettes?


  38. Donna says:

    Dear Ask June:
    How does one spear someone else with a rifle?
    Thank you for your helpful reply!


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