Wheel of Torture

Well, the holidays are seeming kind of official now. For those of you who work in offices, did you have your last day today? Pretty much everyone did in my office, with the exception of ME, the NEW girl, and the OTHER new girl who similarly has no time off. I think it is going to be the two of us, my boss and one designer next week. Other than that, everyone pretty much had their sleigh bells on and they were glistenin' out that door in a merry fashion.

Our geese have returned, which is kind of exciting. I do not know what to tell you about these boomerang geese at work. I mean, is this as south as they plan to go? Did they already go south and they are on their way back up? Cause you're being pretty premature, there, bubs. But can I just tell you how excited I am that in a mere couple of months it will be BABY GEESE time again? Who is gonna set up scented candles and some Barry White tunes around the pond, there? Open up a few bottles of Cold Duck? Get it? Cold Duck?

Maybe Grey Goose would have been funnier.

Anyway, I got home tonight and faithful reader Jessica had left me a gift on my doorstep! She hadn't flown in from Brazil or anything; Jessica is also a Greensboro person. She kind of found the perfect gift, and if you are one of the poor saps who has to get me a gift this year, you are gonna be mad you didn't think to get it for me.

DSCF1602It is a Wheels of Wisdom–which I see I cut off to read "Heels" and nice job being a photographer's daughter–Yes, You're Probably Dying Hypochondriac's Wheel!

You find your current symptom, like fever, turn the dial, and it tells you the really awful thing it might be! Like, it says fever may be typhus, which is a bacterial illness and you have to see an infectious diseases specialist. Or the pallor that I seem to have in this photograph above may really be myelofibrosis, which is a bone marrow disorder and I should see a hematologist because I may need a bone marrow transplant.

Can you think of anything I needed more than this wheel of worry?

Also, sometimes the mistakes in life, the bloopers, the outtakes if you will, are more interesting than real life, so may I please show you the first photo I took of said wheel of misery?

Anus 

Wow. Yes, I am probably dying of some sort of cat anus disease that spreads itself on my dining room table. This is why people don't like pets, isn't it?

Also, Marvin, will you please REMOVE YOUR TSHIRTS FROM THE TABLE? As you can see, I like it pristine. Thank you.

30 thoughts on “Wheel of Torture

  1. Bahahaha. What a great gift.
    Indeed, today was my last day. Everyone’s done except the poor pregnant girl who’s saving up vacation days to hang out with her baby. Merry Christmas, we hope having to work straight through the holidays will help you appreciate how Mary felt lugging her pregnant ass all the way to Bethlehem.
    Also your hair looks great. And your nails are so nice and pretty and long.

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  2. You’re last day was today? And this happens all across America? Wow, some people are lucky.
    When I was working at an office last year, everyone’s last day was the 23rd. That’s just the way it was. Not that I minded. There was so much chocolate to eat. It was so worth it.
    Not to mention the getting paid part. Geez, I miss working.

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  3. oh my, i can’t imagine what kind of dreams i’m going to have after seeing that 2nd picture! seems like our animals get their butts in our pictures too–lots of pictures here of my kids with a little black doggie tail in the middle of all the action. we have kennel the dog if we ever want a tail-free photo. thanks for the good laugh, though!

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  4. Are long fingernails a sympton for a deadly illness? You crack me up that you’re a hypochondriac and KNOW it–all the people I know who are hypochondriacal don’t seem to acknowledge it.
    I like your nudey pink lips. Is it terribly obvious I’ve been reading Bye Bye Buy after your cottony post?

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  5. seriously june…everytime i read your blog, i burst out laughing. love it!!!
    (there’s a picture on my blog you might like. back when you were doing your floating head pictures, i took a picture of my boys, and i think there is one that might qualify.)

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  6. You make me laugh!!!!!!!!!!!! I really had a ding dang laughing fit over the cat’s bum.
    Hope you keep blogging over Christmas holidays—can not wait to read those.

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  7. Did no one warn you that I pulled something in my back yesterday shoveling the foot of Michigan-style snow off of my driveway and today it HURTS when I laugh????
    Stop putting me in more pain, please!
    Considering the geese are still leaving Ann Arbor, I think you’ll have plenty of opportunities for geese-matching.

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  8. It really could have been worse, June. The cat could have ingested some of that long, silvery tinsel and then partially released it…..yah, you know what I mean and you know it happens. We lived on a farm and it happened with plastic bags with pigs and once with a sock. And then there was the time my ex got drunk, ate a cold can of beets – which he did not rememeber – and, the next day after his morning coffee, screamed “I’m dying” from the bathroom.

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  9. OK, first of all, Sharon just had me laughing out loud and gagging all at the same time. Well done, well done.
    During the weekly “Ask June” post you should have people write in with their recent symptom and you can give them their diagnosis. You could pick a few random winners (?) every week and let them know how much time they have left.

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  10. Now, Jan, you have hit upon a gold mine, there. We could call it Dr. June.
    Stepfather, when you come here for Christmas, will you bring a lab coat, a stethoscope, and one of those thingies doctors wear on their heads with the round metal thingamabob? I know that is the Latin name for it.
    And I know my mother has a small amount of stuff to bring already.
    Then we could create a very official-looking Dr. June photo for my weekly diagnoses. Oh, I can’t wait for the malpractice lawsuits to roll in!

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  11. Uhm, exactly what are the symptoms of that cat anus disease? Do you have to actually own a cat to contract it? I’m just wondering because I think I’m coming down with something.

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  12. Ok, here’s my second comment, even more tedious and boring than the first. I have been told (read: talking out of MY butt, here) that … this is hard to explain. Ok, not all the geese go all the way south and all meet up in Belize or something for the winter. The geese you see now are actually geese from a bit north, the geese you saw before the winter went slightly further south. I don’t know exactly how far they travel. (Apparently I thought they ALL went to Miami, drank cocktails on the beach and complained that the grandgeese never called them.) Short explanation: “south” is a relative term.
    Plus (also too!) there is a goose way-station/sanctuary near my friend’s house. Yes, like a rest stop. (I imagine the bathrooms are a shanda.) THOUSANDS of geese stop there. When you pass it on the parkway, it is feather-to-feather goose. (I’ll see if I can find a link to that, maybe that will liven up this comment.)
    HEY. I’m still from NY; what happened to my qualifier?

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  13. AND, please confirm or deny. Many moons ago at a previous job (in a galaxy far, far away) there was copy that read, “Canadian Geese” and the proofreader about had a coronary. She said the name of the geese was “Canada Geese,” not that they were being defined as having come from Canada and they were not “Canadian Geese.” True? False? Discuss.

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  14. Didn’t notice the cat anus until you mentioned it — nor the shirt. I was transfixed by the message on your gift. Actually, you are one of the most alive people I know (of).

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  15. Posted my comment first, then read the others. Cat and Paula FROM NEW YORK, DAMMIT, particularly cracked me up. Love this blog and the gang it attracts.

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  16. OH MY GOD! You’re killing me. And by that I mean I LITERALLY almost choked to death on my Russell Stover Sugar Free toffee square when I saw the “blooper” photo.
    I think you need to have a “Caption This Photo” contest. It would be way more better (ha!) than any lolcats.
    And? I need that Wheel ‘O Wisdom for a couple of friends.
    I’m off to finish coughing up my lungs. Thankyouverymuch.

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  17. Oh my gosh, that second photo just about killed me. Do you suppose I have that disease? I’ve been exposed you know.
    I don’t think geese go real far south, like leaving the country. At least the ones in my neighborhood seem to just hand around during the winter here in Georgia.
    I’ve learned, you can’t just read your blog, you HAVE to read all the comments, otherwise, you will miss half the fun.

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  18. How could anyone be worse than me? She must have a full-time team of medical experts on hand and a permanent suite at her local hospital.
    I do not know where one gets said wheel. You will have to ask faithful reader Jessica.

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  19. I was laughing so hard at the cat butt photo it brought in other workers to my office – three days si really too long to not read your blog…
    Canadian geese are good eatin’ – my Dad used to hunt and we always had one to eat at our Super Bowl party.

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  20. I laughed harder at your cat ass picture than I have ever laughed at anything on the internet…ever! Holy heck that is funny.
    When you are a cat owner it is hard not to be intimately familiar with cat ass. I knew what I was looking at instantly.

    Like

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