Friends · June's stupid life · Weblogs

I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you–well, don’t kill me. I’m so thin right now.

So, yesterday I went to work, which was silly because there were approximately .008 employees in the whole company; I 'fessed up to the woman whose book Tallulah ate; I had a coughing fit while going on one of my walks and I might have peed myself a little; and, oh, I didn't get nominated for a 2008 Weblog Award.

That nice Nester nominated me for a Best Hidden Gem award, which I don't know about you but whenever I think of a hidden gem award I picture a beautiful emerald placed precisely in someone's bung hole. Just so. And every time I say that to someone they looked shocked and horrified, so perhaps I am the only one whose mind works that way, so maybe that explains right there why I was not nominated for an award.

Anyway, there were 269 people nominated and only 10 finalists were picked, and I am not one of them, and I feel like Jennifer Beals when she first walked into the ballet academy with her work boots on and everyone else had on heels and ballet slippers and now I am on my way to the nightclub where I will splash myself with water sexily and Nick my boss will take notice of me and somehow get me into the ballet academy anyway.

Do I spent entirely too much time watching movies, you think?

And I really thought the woman at work whose book Tallulah ate was going to be gone until next week along with the other 99.998% of work, but I found out she was there, so I had Marvin bring her new book and a nice bookmark I bought her at that mansion I toured last week, and then Marvin and I had lunch, and who do you think walked into the restaurant? Was it the elegant women whose book Tallulah ate? And do you know I knew I'd see her at lunch? I just knew it.

So I dashed out to the car and got her book and bookmark. My plan was, I was going to give her these things right then and there and let her kind of see that the book looked just the same, then fess up after lunch when Marvin was gone. So I went over to her booth and she was lovely and gracious as she always is, and right in the middle of our conversation, Marvin lumbered over and said, "THE WHOLE THING WAS MY FAULT!"

The gracious woman and I stared at Marvin, she in confusion, me in horror. "This is my husband, Marvin," I said. "Nice to meet you," Gracious woman said. "We'll talk to you later," I said, pushing Marvin out of the booth.

Geez Louise. The rest of the lunch consisted of Marvin and me at our booth, bickering hissily.

When I finally worked up the courage to go the Gracious woman's desk and tell her the whole story, she first of all laughed hysterically and thought the whole thing was just great and said to go home and pull that dog's tail for her and she couldn't have been more wonderful about it, and then she said, "Oh! Is THAT what your husband was talking about when he said it was all his fault?" I said yes, and that he had blown my timing, that I had wanted to wait until he wasn't there. She said, "I thought he meant the bookmark you bought me was all his fault, and I had no idea what that meant."

So I am somehow going to find a way to blame Marvin for my not getting nominated for this Weblog Award. It is all his fault.

34 thoughts on “I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you–well, don’t kill me. I’m so thin right now.

  1. YOU WERE ROBBED! You so deserve that award.
    P.s. I didn’t think it was possible to love you more and then you use the word bung hole. I heart you June.

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  2. There are some very interesting historical references for bunghole on wikipedia. Apparently beavis and/or butthead were not the first to coin the phrase.

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  3. The real test of the Gracious woman will be when you ask to borrow another book. If she hands it to you wrapped in chicken wire (POULTRY FENCING!) you’ll know if she’s really over it.

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  4. June,
    In this word of “infinite content” that is Web 2.0, someone has to have lots of luck (and advertising to readers!) in order to get to a list of nominations, let alone win an award. This has nothing to do with the quality of the blog!
    Honestly, I read about 5-10 blogs (non related to work), some award winners, and none come close to yours in terms of fun and style. Keep up the good work, and at some point the recognition will come (much more difficult now than it was a few years ago, when the number of blogs was much smaller and therefore the audience was much more concentrated, but it will come!).

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  5. BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh! See? I messed up! THE. The correct way to spel it is T – H – E.
    Also, just wanted to tell you that my sissy, Jan, and I will be starting New Year’s Eve by taking in WICKED! WOOOHOOOO

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  6. I realize it isn’t Ask June Day. This blog makes me more and more nervous every time I log in. I have to be very careful with my spellingand grammar and now I don’t feel like I can ask a question unless it is an alloted day. Did I spell ‘alloted’ right? See. My stomach hurts now. Anyway. Or is it Any way? Oi vay.
    What will you and Marvin be doing to ring int eh new year?

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  7. Can I be gracious? I’m from Mississippi and that has to count for something. I just found your blog, and it feels like a wonderful, wonderful Christmas present. I am going to go back and read every post since the beginning of Bye Bye Buy. I may not comment again, though. I am totally intimidated by the other funny commenters and your mad proofing skills.

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  8. I suspect Garcious Lady is a true southerner. I would be greatly disappointed if she’s not. Some times we just need a potato and duck tape for our husbands.

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  9. Hmpf. I didn’t get an award either. Oh, wait. I didn’t even get nominated. So shut up, okay?
    Also, that Marvin. My husband would have run OUT of the restaurant when he saw that Book Lady was there.
    I agree with Ells. You definitely deserve an award, but it’s lonely up there at the top.
    So I hear.

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  10. I notice that you have 50 comments from your post that started out sad about getting only 7… and I am wondering what nethers are? I mean, I get the inference, but I always thought that nether was a adjective. Would you agree? Is this just “June useage” that is cute and sassy, or am I misunderstanding this sliver of our language? Can this question qualify for Ask June day?
    This evening my husband said, “let’s go running” and I replied, “Sure! After I catch up on Bye Bye Pie.” He said, “Well, it’s getting late. Let’s just go tomorrow.” I think he knows how faithful a reader I am. Would you rather have a blog award or a cult of faithful readers? hm… blog award I’m guessing, although faithful readers leave comments. 🙂 Happy New Year.

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  11. June you shine like a diamond in a goats ass, in my heart is where. Happy New Year!Can you tell J and I were raised in the same house?

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  12. One of the favorite sayings around our house is, “shining like a diamond in a goat’s ass”. I will be certain to think of you WHENEVER I hear it from now on!

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  13. So, if you were to say you wanted to win the award would that mean that you, yourself would like to be “placed precisely in someone’s bung hole”? Hmm, maybe that’s what people are thinking when they look shocked and horrified. Maybe my brain is even stranger than yours- yikes. lol
    ~Rachel

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  14. Be honest: was it part of your plan that if you gave her the “new” book and she didn’t notice anything was different, were you just going to kind of not ever mention that the dog ate her book?
    Not that that’s what I would have done or anything.

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  15. Oh, of course the Gracious Lady was gracious. She’s from the south. (Isn’t she???) She’s bred to be gracious. I wish I could be f******* gracious. I guess it’s not in my f****** blood.
    And? You are so the best blog anywhere. I look froward to my daily dose o’June.

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  16. Don’t you wish they(husband’s) could read your mind? Not your whole mind, of course, but the part you need them to read at that very moment. The part that is screaming, “Shut Up!”

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  17. Why an emerald? Aren’t emeralds usually rectangular? Wouldn’t something, I don’t know, in say, an octagonal shape, fit better?
    Oh, Gracious Lady. I envy Gracious Lady. I want to *be* Gracious Lady. Of course, I will never be Gracious Lady because you can bet she is not concerned about air leaks caused by a rectangular stone in a roundish orifice.

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  18. I’m sorry you didn’t get nominated for an award becuase you wanted an award. But I am not sorry for us, your readers, because if you won said award you’d get all popular, get 10 gazillion hits a day with thousands of comments and never say hi to us when we walked by you in the hall at school.
    I’m glad Gracious Lady was so, well gracious.

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  19. Is Marvin even a worse Jew than I am? I at least lit Hanukkah candles for 5 of the 8 nights (I was out partying the other 3…oops?). Or have you simply convinced him that Christmas is more fun, and more glittery?

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  20. Oh, June…you know you are the BESTEST read out there in blogger land!…hands down!…and, BTW….I certainly LOVE your references to movies….and song lyrics…altho, Abba does have a habit of staying in one’s brain ALL DAY!

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  21. Oh noes… if I’d known someone had nominated you, I’d have shashayed over there and voted for you!!!! I never know when these nominations/votings are going on… Someone should have told us here on this blog hehehe.
    That lady’s really nice!!! Although from the way you described her I didn’t really expect her to react any differently 🙂
    Cheers Eva

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