I haven't felt like posting. I am in the cavernous cavern of depression. The gaping maw. The something else large and dark and inescapable that I can't think of because have I mentioned I am a trifle blue?

My grandmother used to get depressed and you just wanted to slap her. Not the grandmother who wanted to shove the address book up my nethers, the other grandmother. The grandmother who bought me all my clothes. I guess one day I will have to do a whole This Grandmother/That Grandmother with photographs kind of a thing.

Anyway, the one who got depressed and bought me all my clothes always worked full time at a very rewarding job, and then suddenly she didn't, and when she wasn't listening to Saturday Night Fever or Pink Floyd as loud as possible (it was the '70s), she was looking out the window and sighing. It is the biggest fear of my aunt, my father, and me that we will turn out just like her.

This weekend, I was exactly like her.

I did try to get over myself a little by doing something for someone else, and that involved making a care package for that soldier I adopted. Unfortunately for everyone on planet Earth, that meant I had to go to Target, which is right next door to PetSmart, and they were having dog adoption days.


There was a seven-month-old golden Retriever-ish puppy snickerdoodley dog there, and she was found in a corn field, which meant I immediately named her Maizie, and here is her picture:


You know you want to take her home and make her Tallulah's friend. You know you want to talk Marvin into it, and get into a huge, huge fight with Marvin and get even more depressed.

Sigh. Look out the window. Sigh.

Anyway, at least I got good stuff for my soldier, which did not include Maizie. He wants me to send a disposable camera so he can take pictures, then he is sending the camera back so I can develop the film. I think that'll be cool.

My grandmother was one of the first people in the nation to go on an antidepressant. I do not think there is any shame in going on an antidepressant. (Which makes me feel like I need to clarify. When I say my family fears being like Grammy, we do not fear having her chemical makeup. What we fear is having her hand-on-the-forehead, woe-is-me, throwing away her wedding ring and ripping up every picture from her youth thing that she'd get when she was depressed. I mean, when she wasn't depressed she was this smart, funny, interesting woman. Then she'd go to bed at one in the afternoon, fully dressed and we were all supposed to stop everything and feel bad for her. THAT is how I don't want to be and oh, I am so like that.)

Some people's chemicals just don't work right. Antidepressants don't make you feel all high, and you don't get addicted to them, they just make you feel normal. I say all this because I read Dooce and I can tell by her comments that that's what people think about antidepressants and it makes me angry when they write in and clearly have no idea what they are talking about. Anyway, I am not on them. I use Imitrex for migraines and combining Imitrex and antidepressants can be fatal.

Got a window I can look out of?

36 thoughts on “Sith right back and you’ll hear a tale. Okay. NEED to get over the word “sith.”

  1. Holly says:

    Repeat after me… Zoloft is a Mom’s best friend… I too bought a depression puppy… Post Katrina… SOOOOO glad I got medicated. 😉 Cause you know, now I’m a cup full of happiness.


  2. Hyphen Mama says:

    I think Maizie would have cured the winter blues. I, personally, use acupuncture– but I’ve heard puppies also do the trick.


  3. Bell says:

    It’s so strange to me that you had a grandmother that listened to Pink Floyd. I had a grandmother’s whose husband couldn’t go into the military in WWII because he was the father of five children—and my grandmother was his wife, mother of those five children (with four more to come). My grandmother probably would have thought that Pink Floyd was a flavor of ice cream at Baskin Robbins. Or a new-fangled dance. I have a friend who is younger than me (she’s 23) and her grandfather was born in 1871. Her grandfather! He was in his 70’s when her mother was born. Of course, men can have babies in their 70’s, they’re just too old to hold them, right Harry?


  4. Queen Marcy says:

    I’ve been there, done that, got the tee shirt for depression, Girl. It is truly terrible and people who have not been there just do not understand. It is truly a chemical inbalance and anti-depressants are the only way to counter-act it. My father was terribly depressed his whole life and, like you with your grandmother, I did not want to be like that. Sorry you are going through it and hope you can find some relief. It’s odd because people think “happy” and fun people never get depressed, but sometimes it is worse for us than normal. Love your blog, it brightens my day (even when you are depressed). ALSO: GET THAT DOG, she is precious and Lulu needs the company.


  5. Bonnie says:

    Sorry you’re feeling depressed, June. I’ve thought about getting those natural-sunlight light bulbs like Arlene mentioned, to beat the winter doldrums. You amaze me, nevertheless, that you remain so witty even in a funk. You’re taking positive steps to feel better, like sending a disposable camera to your adopted soldier — and writing about your feelings to us, your fans. We’re cheering for you. Better days are ahead.


  6. It must be the time of year. I’m fighting the funk big time. Sigh… Maybe some Pink Floyd would help. Mmmm.


  7. J says:

    You can look out of the window as long as you don’t jump. We need you, June! Like fishes need water, like bolonga needs mayo, like Shemp needs Mo.


  8. M says:

    Marijuana helps *too*


  9. Linda .. the Aussie one!! says:

    I hope you are feeling better soon June. If not go get something from the doctor. I hope the window you are looking out of has something beautiful to look at. :o)


  10. arlene says:

    It’s January. I think there is a stupid law somewhere that mandates depression in January. One suggestion I have for you is to get one (or more) of those natural sunlight spectrum light bulb thingies. Theory is that some people have a much higher sensitivity to lack of sunlight. I am sure my hubby has it in spades. This year he is surrounded by those special lights. So far I think I am the one most depressed in our house, so maybe it is working for him. Me, I’m depressed ’cause I’ve been sick since Christmas. Can I give you my symptoms for your wheel of death?


  11. jennabeeb says:

    I totally hear you. I’m feeling the same way lately. My grandmother, who sounds A LOT like yours, passed away last Tuesday at the age of 94. She always called it “the blues.” Meds left me feeling a little too flat/numb. No lows, but no highs either – couldn’t really laugh at anything. A girl’s gotta be able to laugh, you know?


  12. You know what might make you feel better? (You’re supposed to snap, “What?” and be really annoyed that I didn’t start with a declarative sentence). I think you might want to add the following to Disease à la mode: I am feeling gloomy, and think I might be inheriting my grandmother’s depressive disorder.


  13. You know what might make you feel better? (You’re supposed to snap, “What?” and be really annoyed that I didn’t start with a declarative sentence). I think you might want to add the following to Disease à la mode: I am feeling gloomy, and think I might be inheriting my grandmother’s depressive disorder.


  14. You know what might make you feel better? (You’re supposed to snap, “What?” and be really annoyed that I didn’t start with a declarative sentence). I think you might want to add the following to Disease à la mode: I am feeling gloomy, and think I might be inheriting my grandmother’s depressive disorder.


  15. Your Pal from MA says:

    Hi Dear,
    My sympathies with your recent mood. I’m not sure if it’s genetic to have seasonal affective depression disorder (SADD), but my momma had it before she moved to FL and I DEFINITELY have it. Just wondering if your move from sunny CA to NC has had ill effects?
    Robin, above, commented that upping your Vitamin D and going to a tanning place would help and I am living proof that those two things absolutely help me get through winter and not be depressed. Also, big doses of daily Omega 3s are excellent for depression. I read a study that there are patients who are now managing depression simply with Omega 3 usage.
    I take 1200 IUs of Vitamin D3 (the best type of Vit. D, apparently), and an Omgega-3 EPA DHA softgel every day. (Read up that that is the best variety.) Lastly, I go tanning once per week. Just one 10-minute session sends me to my happy place for a whole week!
    Will send a care package if you are interested in trying this.
    (Multiple dogs are also a cure!!! 🙂 hee hee!)
    Love ya, June.


  16. Em-Cat says:

    Being depressed stinks. I feel for you. Here’s a thought that might cheer you up – it certainly made me laugh. I woke up this morning at about 4:30am (a usual occurrence for me lately)and all I could think of was the name “Sparkly Rose Blossom” then I started thinking what ramifications would have come to you if your parents would have let you keep that name…You would be working at Whole Foods Market, because let’s face it, that’s the only place in the world that employs the children of hippies with names like “Sparkly Rose Blossom” or “Tulip Morning Dawn” or Roger. You’d embrace your big hair and let it go all over the place because it’s cool to be outrageous and original and different – because everyone at WFM is original and different. Finally, you’d look down on all the rest of us who a)weigh more than 99 lbs b)eat dead animal flesh and c)think that drinking diet sodas isn’t going to put our brain into a chemically induced coma.
    Crazy the things that wake you up at night – no?


  17. Jessica S says:

    So you were crying about a dog this weekend… I was crying about apartments and rental houses I can not have due to a dog. I need to find a place to live now that allows big dogs for cheap where my safety is not compromised. Know anywhere?
    Every time I’m looking for a rental I find one place that I can not have and get really attached to it and cry over. What’s up with that? I think I’m going to hate buying when the time comes.
    Cheer up and let’s go out for cake this week? Or whatever makes you happy.


  18. Jan says:

    Oh and too? I was in southern Illinois this weekend for a wedding and stayed at my cousins home where they have a 7 week old beagle puppy. And he knew the person he got it from had three more. That puppy was about the sweetest thing I have ever seen. Who’s kids were BEGGING her to bring home the (I’m sure) worm infested, flea ridden, baby, sweet, itty-bitty, too young to be away from it’s momma puppy??? Who is the world’s worst mom because I said “NO! I would be home with it, training it, all day everyday and the dog we do have alreay gets on my last nerve”??? Me! That’s who.


  19. Jan says:

    If you do take the bed at 1pm with your hand to your forehead all “woe is me”-ing it, please post pictures. It’ll make the rest of us giggle. And believe me… my grandma was the same way, except she would write crazy things inside her dresser drawers that we cracked up over after she passed away.
    I just wanted to write something not all “cheer up June! We love you!” Not that there is anything wrong with that but when I am feeling a bit blue the last thing I want to hear is about how much everyone loves me.
    Also? Big shock! Artie didn’t show up at work today because he is in “rehab”. Again. Except he isn’t at the “rehab” facility because the water pressure was bad and he was “skeeved out” over the carpet. He is at a ho-in-tel over an hour away. And… he (of course) had been lying to everyone and everyone (except Robin) believed him and now he is all defensive because everyone (every one) thinks he is lying again and it is really pissing him off. Even though he called Howard and told him he was going to have to miss work because he is in “rehab” and yet, many people have seen him out and about in Miami, soaking up the sun. Can’t he see why people don’t fully trust him???
    There~ now don’t you feel better?


  20. Kellie says:

    I think another dog would cheer your up. =)


  21. Aubrey says:

    Well, depressed or convinced you’re dying, you still manage to be funny. Have you checked your symptoms on your hypochondriac game? You might be suffering from something worse! 😉


  22. Culpepper says:

    That was supposed to say: Sorry you’re bummed. Now you can be even more bummed that you have readers who are ignorant.


  23. Culpepper says:

    Sorry your bummed. If I lived closer we could get together and look at some old pictures and make up stories about people who died a long time ago (that always makes me happy). It is coming a flood in Dallas and the rain is now freezing. Freezing rain and Monday’s always get me down (I love me some Karen Carpenter). 🙂


  24. Pat says:

    I just found your blog not long ago. You are soooo much like me. But I do take antidepresants. And it runs in my family too. I even had a great aunt who lived in a mental hospital. That could be because her name was Butzel. I’d be really depressed about that too.


  25. Hopeful says:

    Take B-12 and read the blog “bye bye pie” it always cheers me up!


  26. M says:

    Yeah I think maybe the tanning bed and then a long brisk run on the tradmill will do wonders.If not I’ve got a big back porch and a bottle of wine your welcome to join me.


  27. Paula FROM NEW YORK, DAMMIT says:

    DAMMIT, my New York fell off again.


  28. Gladys says:

    I am not a depressed type person. Never have been but went through a horrible phase two years ago. It was horrible. I didn’t sleep, ate too much, cried all the time. I swear I had belated postpartum but it had been 20 years since I had a baby. I took antidepressants for a year and haven’t had a problem since. Yeah people who put them down have never had true depression.
    I want Maizie! I think you should have taken her home. Lulu needs a friend. Maybe she would stop eating books.


  29. Paula says:

    Also a life-long battler of depression, also one who doesn’t tell everyone about being on ‘mood enhancers.’ It’s rare to find people who understand and/or respect depression and its medications. Thanks.
    This time of year is notoriously difficult to get through. The expectations, the stress, the disappointments, family, shorter days, etc. Hang in there, June.
    Btw, tell Marvin that dogs with doggie-roommate-friends eat less first editions.
    OH, was In The Womb (Nat Geo) interesting! Dogs, then cats. Did you watch it or were you and Marvin glued to Sharks and Nazis, like my husband?


  30. Robin says:

    I would like to add to the others comments-Winter depression is common. I have heard that a person should up their dosage (or start their dosage) of Vitamin D. I would also suggest going to a tanning bed. The warmth of all those damaging lite bulbs just seep into the bones and feel wonderful.


  31. CariOkie says:

    Hey woman. I’m a lifer when it comes to depression. It’s a cliff and I can usually judge how close I am to the edge, but sometimes it creeps up and surprises me and there I am teetering on the edge or sliding over the edge trying to grab branches on my way down. Without my “happy pills” as my children call them, I’d pretty much just go lie down (lay down?) on the bottom of a pond. I think it’s an affliction very common to creative people. So try not to slap anyone who tells you to “just get over it”.


  32. Chris says:

    Longtime lurker here. Love your blog!!
    Me & my peeps were at Home Depot yesterday looking for blinds. When leaving I said “Let’s go LOOK at the dogs at Petsmart” Haha…hubs knows by now that I can’t JUST look. We came home with a beautiful 1yr old choc lab mix. Sweet as can be, but does not want to play with our other dog. Hmmm.
    I totally get your mood. Holidays are over, weather is blah, back to the same old routine. The gloomy,rainy days really affect my mood. It’s nice to read that you understand antidepressants. I am on them, and would never want anyone to know b/c of how it might change their opinion of me. Thanks for understanding that depression can run in your genes and the meds just make you feel normal.
    OK, didn’t mean to write a book. Just wanted to tell you that your blog is awesome. You are a very gifted writer. Hope you feel better soon!


  33. CarolW says:

    Are you still on the Topamax? That can definitely cause depression. Imitrex can too but Topamax has quite the rap sheet for depression. I sent you a link via email for a book about migraines Heal Your Headache. It helps to understand why we get headaches and how to stop the triggers that cause them. Read the reviews.
    I’m sorry you experiencing this. I know it sucks.


  34. Molly says:

    Oh man. Are all Pet Smarts next to Targets? Is there a Barnes and Noble next to yours too? Every time I want a book, or basically an anything-I-can-get-at-Target on a Saturday, I have to make sure it’s not between the hours of 11 and 4, because those are pet adoption hours at Pet Smart. And guess who also doesn’t want to have a really enormous fight with her husband about why our home needs to become a small kennel for adorable furry creatures? ESPECIALLY after watching Dogs In the Womb on National Geographic last night and being reminded how adorable puppies are. Even fetus puppies.


  35. Susan says:

    I am with ya this morning. I did not want to come back to work today. Not that my job sucks or anything, it just happens to conflict with my mood today. That, and the sun doesn’t want o rise because it’s blocked by 10 mile-thick clouds. 😦 Don’t look out my windows, in other words.
    Good luck getting through the day. You can do it. Something will make you laugh – perhaps a run-in with GWDGM (is that correct? Girl Who Doesn’t Get Me?) or a grammatically erroneous coworker will give you blog fodder.


  36. Michelle says:

    Sorry to learn that you’re feeling depressed. If you’re looking for other ways to describe it though, here are a couple of ideas. You could go the Holly Golightly route and call it ‘the mean reds’ (or maybe ‘the mean pinks’?) or the Sir Winston Churchill route and call it ‘the black dog on your chest’. But maybe you don’t want to be thinking about dogs that way. I always liked this quote by Churchill though: “When you’re going through hell, keep going”. It’s helped me get through some tough times.
    I think it’s great that you’re trying to do things for others to help yourself feel a bit better. Go you! I hope it helps.


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