Here’s the scoop

I have a new comment of the week, and this week's commenter fits in nicely with my pie theme. That's all I'm saying. You will have to click on Special of the Week if you want to know more. I know, I can really build the suspense, can't I? June Hitchcock, is who I am.

"I want apple pie a la mode, and I want it heated, but I don't want vanilla ice cream, I want strawberry. But I want the strawberry ice cream on the side. If you don't have strawberry ice cream then I want whipped cream, but only if it's real whipped cream. If it's out of the can, then nothing."

"Not even the pie?"

"No, just the pie, but then not heated."

I have GOT to stop watching When Harry Met Sally. Really.

In other news, that I forgot to tell you in my Things I Forgot to Tell You post from this morning, my friend Sandy, the one who hates it when you tell her what you dreamed the night before, or is it dreamt, is getting married next month. And you know who I need to get married to? An editor who teaches me to STOP WITH THE COMMAS ALREADY.

Anyway, Sandy, who really enjoys it when you call her Sandy, and there I go with commas again, is getting married in MICHIGAN in FEBRUARY, but we will talk about that later, when she is not listening.

My point is that I am trying really hard to talk her into wearing a giant sparkly "June" barrette in her hair when she walks down the aisle, kind of like Amy Winehouse's Blake barrette, which I guess is probably going in the Goodwill bin now that old Blake is filing for divorce. I like how he could put up with Amy Winehouse eating glue and sniffing catnip and whatever else and having twelve teeth left and being saffron colored, but WHAT? She is seeing other men while I am in JAIL? The nerve.

So, since Sandy, who is kind of perfect and elegant and lovely, will never ever in a million years break down and actually wear the June barrette unless we WEAR AT HER SOUL and WITHER HER TO A NUB, I say we all write in and talk about dreams we've had. She reads this blog all the time. I can even forward your comments to her, special like. Start them off, "Dear Sandy" so I'll know they're for her.

She particularly enjoys it when you tell her about your dream and you say, "Well, it was my house, but it wasn't really my house." So throw a lot of those in. Alternatively, you could just write Dear Sandy letters telling her what a fine, upstanding pal I have been lo these TWENTY-FIVE years, and I have never slept with ANY of her boyfriends hardly EVER, and just for that I deserve the wearing of the June barrette. You could try that tactic.

I already sent in the RSVP, so she can't uninvite me. Can she?

23 Comments

  1. Dear Sandy,
    I had a strange dream last night and I have been wanting to tell someone about it. Then I remembered you are anxiously waiting for each comment to you on June’s blog here!
    I had a dream that my husband and I were driving home from a party or something and I had my 3 year old daughter in my lap in the front seat with me. Then we got pulled over by the cops because they thought we were drunk. So I buckled my kid in without the cops noticing. Then they wanted my husband and I to do field sobriety tests, which we excited about doing for some reason. Our dogs (that we don’t have in real life) were in the back of the car, so we let them out while we did our sobriety tests and the cops really liked the dogs.
    That was about it.
    I have no opinion regarding the barrette, I really just wanted to write about my dream, but I’ll jump on the bandwagon and say wear it.
    Love,
    Faithful Reader Jessica

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  2. Sandy – you could get married the day before or even early in the day at a justice of the peace ( or the american equivalent). Then relive the ceremony at the actual wedding. We’re doing that exact thing because the person who was supposed to marry us dressed as Elvis, no longer can make it. So now we’re having a different Elvis fake marry us… if you see what i mean.

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  3. I’ve been reading your blog for about one month now, and I have to tell you that I LOVE it. You have a great sense of humor, and I appreciate your insight into the everyday. Thanks for brightening my day.

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  4. Lee, Jan, Paula, and all ya’ll – stop it already! I think I broke a rib! Siberia booked, ha aahah ah, earflaps, was there a soup ladle in one of those beds, (gasping for breath) hahaha. This made my whole day.

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  5. Dear Sandy,
    June could sing at your wedding since you don’t have any music yet. And I bet Miracle Angle Baby could officiate. I mean, he is a miracle after all. Where do you think you will find flowers in February, IN MICHIGAN, that are not imported from some warm tropical place, hence, costing you a fortune, because not only are we pushy readers, we are budget minded as well. Bare twigs decorated with lovely white battery operated lights would be fab. I bet June might even be able to talk her good friend, The Nester, into giving you some ideas. My sister, Jan, and I might be persuaded to drive our butts around Lake Michigan over to your neck of the woods and even offer some finger foods for your guests if it meant getting to share a glass of vino with June and Marvin. Well, we’d actually let them have their own….

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  6. June, you have the best readers. I am laughing my HEAD off over here, and my husband is giving me those weird looks that I love so much.
    Dear Sandy,
    I hope you have a perfect and wonderful wedding day (apart from the fact that it will be freezing cold).

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  7. I don’t know if she can uninvite you after the RSVP has been sent or not. However, Dear Lord do I love that movie. “I’ll have what she’s having.” HEE.

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  8. First of all, you all are making a big assumption that this ‘Jane barrette’ actually exists. Oops! I mean ‘June barrette.’ ‘JUNE barrette. Oh my, have I said too much already?? Second of all, my wedding is a mere six weeks away and I have no actual officiant, flowers, or any music to speak of. That’s ‘officiant,’ as in ‘person who marries us and makes it legal.’ But you are all right, I definitely need to spend time on hunting down this Jane barrette (dammit, I did it again). All because Jane (dammit!) has the most creative, clever, and let me just say pushy group of readers any blog has a right to. Well, I will NOT, people! I will not. A girl has to have principles. And oddly, this seems to be the one I’ve chosen.

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  9. Dear Sandy,
    The other night I had a dream that I had to go to my friend’s friends house, except it wasn’t her house, to get something for my friend for a basketball game. While I was at her friends house, with another friend accompanying me, I decided I need to know if the first two friends were “together” as a couple, as it were, and decided that I could find this out by checking the bedrooms to see how many beds had been slept in. The house was a tract house, a typical three bedroom, run bath, itty-bitty, tiny ranch and I started down the hallway and started opening bedrooms doors. The first room had an unmade full size bed. The second room had an unmade king size bed, with a Cheetah coverlet. The third room had an unmade twin bed. Then the hall continued on and there was some crazy 15 bedrooms, all with various sized beds, all unamde. I announced to the friend who was with me (not the friend I was there to retrieve something for) that apparently the first two friends WERE a couple because they were trying to trick us by unmaking all of the beds. Then I announced that I really liked the first friend’s friend and then said, “she could change me.” And I was implying that she could make me decide to become a lesbian. Then my friend I was with cracked up and then that was the end.
    That was really a real dream I had last week. I do really like my friend’s friend, but I don’t think they are lesbians and I’m not either. Hhmmm..
    Are you wearing your hair in an updo? Because you could position the June barrette underneath your updo, to add an element of support. Are you having a veil? The June barrette could serve as the comb piece that is needed to attach the veil to your noggin.
    Just wear the June barrette. You will be honoring a great friend. Just take it out for pictures.
    You could use the June barrette for the traditional bouquet toss. Toss the barrette into the crowd and hope no one gets an eye poked out.

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  10. Dear Sandy,
    Last night I had a dream that that there were spice muffins at this wedding we were at, but not really at, since it is next month. We were sitting at the same table as June and Marvin, but not RIGHT next to them, more like two people over, but they were getting irritated (not June and Marvin) because we kept asking them questions about lots of things when dinner (stuffed peppers) was served. Most people at the wedding were confused at the menu until we let them know that the peppers and spice muffins were family recipes.
    Anyhoo, February is a cold time for a wedding in Michigan (I think July is too BTW). I had this other dream a couple of weeks ago that we were at a wedding in Mexico and it was great, except the frosting on the spice muffins was all melty…

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  11. Dear Sandy,
    You know what is even more grating than hearing about people’s dreams? When people end all their sentences like a question? Kind of up at the end?
    So, I had this dream? And it was sort of about a wedding but not really? I mean, people were all dressed up and there was cake, but that doesn’t mean it was necessarily a wedding, right? Could’ve been the Golden Globes? And speaking of that, WHAT was Renee Zellweger thinking with that trainwreck of a gown?
    Ok, so my dream? About the wedding SLASH Golden Globes? By the way, what’s with Michigan in February, was Siberia booked? I hope your JUNE barette is fur-lined or has earflaps or something is all I’m saying. So there was an ice sculpture in my dream? But it turned out it was actually your cousin? Who got there early to take pictures? And froze?
    Then my dream was interrupted because my son? Came to ask me, in the middle of the night, did I have a little screwdriver for fixing eyeglasses? So I got up and got mine, because I tighten my eyeglasses every morning because I’m weird like that, and he said, “no, I need a Phillips head.” And I thought about stabbing him to death with the teeny FLATHEAD screwdriver, but it would take too long? And Sandy, you should totally carry a wee screwdriver on your wedding day in case of a JUNE barette emergency and you can’t rely on your cousin? Because your cousin is a frozen paparazzi? And that sounds like something Good Humor should carry? On a stick?
    But anyway? Best wishes on your wedding and make sure June posts a picture of you wearing the JUNE barette!

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  12. Dear Sandy,
    Weddings in Minnesota, I mean Michigan, especially durning the month of February, need lots of warmth. Partly to honor Valentines Day, and partly to take your mind off the horrendously cold weather all around you. There is no better way to accomplish this task than a big JUNE barrette. Not only will it remind you of warmer weather, it will also serve as a visual aide that friends are better than husbands, I mean headpieces.

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  13. Dear Sandy,
    Last night I had a dream that I was in a church, only it wasn’t a church, after leaving my house that wasn’t really my house to attend a wedding of a nice girl and her fiance, who wasn’t really her fiance, and he looked strangley like a giant comma. Anyway, Sandy, the bride was having a screaming-meemee fit, and the whole audience could hear her. She couldn’t find her hair piece, that was apparently imported from France. Oh, wait till you hear this part, Sandy! Up from the audience jumps a very svelt jogger with a bandage wrapped all around her head. Sandy, in my dream from last nght, I just knew it was a woman who had exploratory brain tumor surgery after having breast implants. Anyway, Sandy, as I was saying, this woman yelled “WAIT! I don’t have enough hair after my exploritory brain surgery to wear THIS”, and she whips a beautiful, sparkly, golden barrette out of her seeing eye dog’s back pack. The dog, by the way, was a lovely yellow lab-ish looking thing. In my dream from last night, I just knew the dog was undergoing DNA tests to determine her actual breed. Oddly enough, the woman wasn’t blind. The barrette began to blind everyone in the audience, however, because the day was very shiny and bright, what with the sun glingting off the SNOW, as this person decided to get married in February, in Michigan, and all the sunny rays were reflecting off the stained glass. The jogger woman was unaware that flashing the shiny barrette all around was causing great discomfort to all the other guests, but she scrambled out of her seat, jogged to the back of the church, singing wildly, “Sandy D, Sandy D, you’re lousy with vir-gin-i-ty…” waving the barrette all around. The jogger’s husband just sat in the pew grimacing, holding his hands over his ears. Oddly enough, the barrette spelled out the word JUNE. The bride, so thankful that her wedding program proofreading jogger friend had such a gorgeous piece of hair bling to save her wedding day, grasped the barrette with tears in her eyes, firmly planted it in her beautfiful blonde big hair, and asked the jogger proofreading friend and dog to be her maid of honors. When her finace, Mr. Chefsalad, saw the barrette, he fell to his knees, weeping, and told his beloved that she was the most beautiful “JUNE” barrette wearing bride he had EVER seen.
    Sandy, it was the most romantic dream I’ve ever dreamt. Thje dream I had last night. About the June barrette wearing bride. Thanks, Sandy, for listening to my dream. From last night.

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  14. Dear Sandy,
    last night i dreamed i was trying to win back my ex-boyfriend even though we’re both married and my big plan was to go on a walk together, so i went to his fridge to get water, and gatorade for him, and i was all, “do you want gatorade?” and he was all, “but it’s half-empty,” and i was like, “no only like 2 sips are missing,” and i got it out to give to him, and it turned from gatorade into chocolate milk, and in my mind i was like, “well now my plan is foiled because NOBODY in their RIGHT MIND could possibly drink chocolate milk after an invigorating walk.”
    Also, wear the barrette. Or make your bridesmaids do it. You can create some fancy acronym about love from her name if it makes you feel better, for example Joy Untold Never Ending.
    You’re welcome.

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  15. Dear Sandy,
    I had a dream that I was at a wedding where the bride, who wasn’t the bride, was walking down the aisle, and she had a huge June barrette in her hair, that wasn’t really her hair, that got bigger and bigger and blonder, and bigger, and I think everyone was wearing pink. And the carpet was pink, the pews were pink, and the church was pink. ANd everyone was drinking Peptol Bismol.
    And I am so obviously making this up.
    Wear the barrette Sandy. Wear. the. barrette!!!!

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  16. Dear Sandy,
    Last night I dreamt about a wedding where a bride did not wear some rather strange barrette and then after the reception, the newlyweds were going to leave in the groom’s car, (but it wasn’t really his car, it was a minivan) and to their surprise and horror, *someone* had decorated the car with what looked like used water balloons but they were really something else latex-y and there were sayings like, “ get a room” and “stud” written all over the car in shaving cream and beer cans were strung from the back bumper. The groom was so upset that he started to drink and later passed out on the couch. What a terrible, terrible nightmare!
    Do dreams ever really come true?

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  17. Dear Sandy,
    I have nightmares about weddings! Elope! Could this possible be a result of photographing weddings for years?!!
    June, I suppose she COULD uninvite you, only if she changes her mind and elopes.

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  18. I’m getting married (third time lucky right lol) in July in a Vegas themed wedding and I dunno, i think that barrette might fit right in with my 50’s rat pack men’s clothing stylings and my hopefully marilyn monroe-ish dress along with all of the fabulous old school decorations which include album covers on the tables ( elvis, sinatra, mahalia jackson, billie holiday et al)and a casino night atmosphere and midnight dessert buffet – oh plus we are hiring some burlesque girls who will be dressed as cigarette girls but of course there will be no smoking so the ciggies will have to be chocolate which is such a shame NOT.
    Oh dreams…. i don’t have time for them right now.
    😛

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  19. ROFL! I couldn’t resist a second comment.
    “My point is that I am trying really hard to talk her into wearing a giant sparkly “June” barrette in her hair when she walks down the aisle, kind of like Amy Winehouse’s Blake barrette”
    June, you’re hilarious! I can’t stop laughing at the image :-D.

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  20. Do not stop with the commas!
    One of my favorite authors, Jose Saramago, writes paragraphs that go on forever, with million commas.
    And he is a Nobel Prize winner ;-).

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