Inquire of June

Stache

Really, I've been bristling with excitement to get to Ask June. Let's whisk ourselves off to the first question.

Nosey…Picker? asks, "What is the single grossest thing you have ever done?"

Nosey, I have been thinking about this one since you asked, and you were one of the first people to Ask June, I just didn't get to pick you on my random pickerizer until today.

You know, I am an only child and therefore kind of prissy. And by the way, when I announced my only childness just now, all of my cousins who read this are rolling their eyes, as they know I am an only child all too well. I announced it to get out of having to do anything athletic, loud, untoward, or otherwise unappealing to me for the first 20 years of my life. "No, you guys go ahead and do the dinner dishes. I'm an only child. I really need to unwind with some alone time over here."

What I am trying to say is I don't do a lot of gross things because I am so easily grossed out. But I guess because I am such an animal lover (see above) that a lot of the pet things I tolerate would make non-pet people absolutely sick. That said, I guess the times I have accidentally French kissed and/or kissed my cats on the anus are probably the grossest things I have ever done. Trust me, if you have cats, you really can accidentally do these things.

Alicia ponders, "Why is 'c' the exception to the rule when it comes to 'i' before 'e'? Personally, I just think it's weird."

Well, Alicia, from what I can gather, it all started with derivatives of the Latin word capio such as receive, deceit, etc. However, many people argue that there are so many exceptions to this rule that it isn't a very good one. For example, we have beige, which doesn't come after c; or what about codeine, which does?

I say, look it up in a dictionary. Or go on m-w.com. And may I just add? GO ON M-W.COM., not dictionary.com, if you want a real, reliable dictionary. And Wikipedia does not count as a dictionary, nor does anything any regular schlub can contribute to, if you are looking for a CORRECT ANSWER. I really enjoyed making proofreading corrections at my old job and having some MARKETING PERSON come back and say, "Wikipedia says it's okay to spell it this way." Okay, and let me go back on Wikipedia so I can learn how to market things, let's see how you like that. And while I'm at it, why don't I drive this EXACTO knife though your HEAD.

Thank you.

J asks June, "Do you have a personal motto, such as 'When life gives you lemons, make lemonade' or 'The early bird gets the worm'?"

Marvin and I just had dinner, and during said dinner I kept asking him, "What is my motto? I have to answer this question for Ask June." How sick of me and my blog is Marvin, do you think? Anyway, he kept coming up with really stupid mottos like "Don't turn around, uh-oh. Der kommissar's in town, uh-oh" and "Everything is sad" (which is something my grandmother once said). So we were eating and talking about something or other and I said, "Things could be worse. I could be Sting."

AND THAT'S IT! That's my motto. Ozzy Osborne said it once on The Osbornes, and I thought it was brilliant, and I say it all the time. Things could be worse. I could be Sting.

Elsie asks, "Have any of your Bye Bye Buy habits stuck with you?" 

Not many. But I have stuck with a few. For example, I do bring my lunch to work a lot, because I now know it takes less than five minutes to make your lunch. Also, I have gotten weird about my lipstick ( and look, there's another "i before e" exception–"weird"). I wait until the tube is almost gone before buying another. I used a Sephora gift certificate I had just today and ordered me up a new tube of nudey pink like I like. Here is my current tube of nudey pink, rolled all the way up:

Lipstick

Gettin' low. Hope Sephora doesn't take their own sweet time.

And finally, Paula "Always in the Wrong Lane" From New York, Dammit, begs June to tell her: "GONE missing. What is this? Why have people gone missing, why do they go missing? It makes it seem, to me, that this was a choice, like they have gone shopping or gone to the movies. They ARE missing, they haven't GONE missing. I think this is a fairly new usage, but I don't like it and I would like you, June, to tell me they are wrong and I am right. Thank you."

Paula, "gone missing" is a British idiom. Canadian people use it too. As far as I could tell by looking online, it isn't actually grammatically incorrect. It just bugs you. Do you hate the British, Paula? Tell us why. What's your issue? Is it the royal family that has you all bound up?

It bugs me when people say, "I was thinking to myself…" which, you know, isn't really incorrect, but it's stupid. Who else WOULD you be thinking to? I was thinking to 70 other people. So I understand how something can stick in your craw, Paula, like your deep need to murder all the people of Canada and Britain. Could you spare Barry Gibb for me? He's been here in the U.S. for over 30 years. He is one of us now.  DON'T LET BARRY GO MISSING, PAULA!

Okay, thanks for joining me for another chilling episode of Ask June. I hope you feel packed with peanuts and really satisfied.

27 thoughts on “Inquire of June

  1. When Yankee was about 40, I taught him the other part of the i before e rule that I learned in Sister Mary Jane’s class – and when sounded as “a” as in neighbor and weigh. His nuns at his school were much too busy beating him with a ruler to share that part of the saying with him.

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  2. I don’t even know what Barry Gibb sings. I have this sneaking suspicion that you love Barry Gibb to keep up with Shannon at RocksinMyDryer, who loves Barry Manilow.
    I have an uncle named Barry. But I wouldn’t mind if he were to go missing around Thanksgiving, if you know what I mean.

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  3. Re: “packed with peanuts,” that’s risky business these days, particular peanut butter, but I forget what brand.
    Love the cat-tail pic.

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  4. Dear Mom,
    Well, what was funny about it to me was that clearly Ozzy found something wrong with Sting, which just kind of cracked me up. Cause who really goes around not liking Sting?
    My theory is he probably sees Sting as kind of a tight-ass, pretentious tool. Which, compared to Ozzy, he probably is.
    So, I just liked it because it was so unexpected. You know, you could say things could be worse, I could be on fire, or I could be Courtney Love, but STING?
    Really, it’s kind of getting on my nerves that I have to explain it any futher, mom. Everything is sad.

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  5. How has no one commented yet on June french kissing cat butt? Eww! I am sooo the lowest common denominator of the comment section. I stole my motto from a bumper sticker — “Don’t piss me off, I’m running out of places to hide the bodies”

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  6. THE DRESS JUNE! Please don’t leave us hanging on a dressless hangar, here…we want to see the beauty that your brokeldy broke broke self splurged on for the wedding. You see how I have my priorities straight? Cats’ anuses, Sting, everything is sad – no, to me this is all about THE DRESS.

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  7. This is so weirdo weirdy weird. I just read a statistic that said there were some 100,000 (or so) people who had “gone missing” in the US currently and only 40,000 (or so) unidentified remains available for a match. So are 60,000 (or so) amnesiacs out there hanging with Elvis at the IHop in Illinois?
    Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

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  8. Pip, pip, I LOVE the British!! Helen Mirren, Hugh Laurie, Alan Rickman, Emma Thompson, The Brothers Gibb (!!), Eddie Izzard … what’s not to love? Oh, the Royal Family, that’s who. Yes, “bound up” to be sure. Bunch of antiquated prigs. And did I mention horsey-faced?
    Anywho, so “gone missing” is acceptable usage? I accept your decree, then: it is just me. Hopefully it won’t continue to have the same reaction as “should have went,” which makes my teeth fall out.
    Cheerio and ta-ta,

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  9. That first photo cracked me up!!! I knew immediately what was going on. ROFL!!!! As for the new lipstick, I hope they haven’t discontinued your favorite color. Every time I find one that I really love, they discontinue that color, just ticks me off.

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  10. Did you see Sting on the Golden Globes award show? He looked like a lumberjack. Seriously, I have loved Sting since the first Police album (yes, album. I’m THAT old!), and have had a crush on hime FORever. It’s over. I’m so bummed.
    What happened to him and his yoga and tantric sex for hours at a time? Oh, Sting!
    Lastly, and the biggest burning question…What dress did you get for Sandy’s wedding? I’m with YOU, Sharon! COME ON!! Priorities, here!

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  11. That was a good quote from Ozzy. My personal favorite is “I’m not picking up dog shit. I’m a rock star.”
    What is it with cats and their perpetual need to put their arse in your face? (That was for you Paula)

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  12. how do you know Ozzy said “things could be worse I could be Sting”
    without that cell phone in the commercial it is impossible to know what he said.
    Jenny, LOVE the rock star quote. I may have to use it.

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  13. June,
    Your Gone Missing comments made me think of my father, who was my favorite person in the world. We had a running joke on the difference of hiding and being lost. One is intentional and the other is unintentional unless you are very stupid and then you might not even realize the true difference.
    Similar concept with gone missing. You are either gone, or you are missing. I guess both of those could be intentional or unintentional, so forget it. I think that I am going to go hide for a while now and hopefully, not get lost!

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  14. Before I forget, I have to comment on your other post where you mentioned that you kind of enjoyed hearing that other people are brokedy broke broke. (I paraphrased, can you tell?)
    Mr Hyphen was laid off in September. I know. Suck ass. Then last night on 20/20 was a story about our favorite news anchor from our city who was laid off also. And he went from making $250K per year to making $30k per year as a vet tech. AND they have to sell their $800K house in Vail. AND??? I was SO FLIPPIN’ HAPPY to see that. Because misery loves company. Everything is sad.
    Except this comment by suburban correspondent: shouldn’t it be spelled “goune missing”? I mean, except after “c”?

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  15. Aren’t there men in your past (present company excepted) that would qualify as the “grossest thing you’ve ever done”. I know there were a couple in there that made a few of us a bit queazy.

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  16. I before E except after C… or when sounding like “a” as in “neighbor” and “weigh.” And also in foreign or weird words.
    Basically, take a blind shot at it and hope for the best.
    I love, love, LOVE the English language!

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