Fwd: Fwd: Fwd This is so cute!

I got put on the Social Planning Committee at work. This means I help plan the throw-downs, the bashes, that we have quarterly, where we celebrate whoever had a birthday and we get a little report about the company. I have been to three of these so far, and they are seriously lacking in liquor and adult entertainment, so that is first on my agenda.

My friend Blanche and I used to walk past this adult theater every night in Seattle on our way to our public transportation. The theater was called The Lusty Lady, and I am sorry to tell you they had absolutely hilarious things written on their marquee every night. It was always our highlight to see what they had up. My all-time favorite was "Et Tu, Booty" but on St. Patrick's Day it read, "Erin Go Braless."

And again I realize that I will never, ever be Grace Kelly, will I?

I have gathered you all here today to complain about email.

Do you know what I like? I like getting real email from people. You know, like "Hey, it's me, your old pal. How you be? I have a corn you would not believe." That sort of thing.

Do you know what I don't like? Forwarded emails. And I get nine hundred thousand of them every day.

First of all, I am NEVER interested in what they tell me. The warnings are almost always untrue (that's why they invented Snopes.com, folks), (and for the record, SERIOUSLY? Does anyone STILL believe this "Bill Gates is gonna give you his money" thing?), the jokes are rarely funny, and I am thrilled that you consider me one of the  10 women you love the most and to show it you are sending me a heart made from parentheses, but if you really loved me you would just send me a real email saying "Hey."

I know this makes me the crabbiest person on earth, but you knew that when you married me. And I should say, for the record, that I KNOW I just sent a bunch of you one of those questionnaires that first I filled out all the answers and then you are supposed to fill them all out and send them back to me. But those are PERSONAL. I get to hear PERSONAL information about you, such as what color crayon you would be.

So, yeah, I can be annoying with my forwards, too.

Oh! And this is the most important part. You know how you get those forwarded emails and you have to scroll down though 87 old paragraphs of other people's email addresses from OTHER people who forwarded this thing?

And you know how you get 200 spam emails a day? Guess how you got them?

You got them because someone unscrupulous got forwarded the "10 Reasons Chocolate is Better than Men" email with 97,000 emails on it, and that unscrupulous person used those addresses to send spam.

So, is it just me? Am I the crankiest crankerbritches and you all love love love to get those jokes and warnings not to go to someone's car to smell perfume samples and now those of you who forward me things will hate me forever? Or does everybody secretly agree with me?

56 thoughts on “Fwd: Fwd: Fwd This is so cute!

  1. i HATE those forwarded emails. especially the people who don’t even check to make sure the warning is true before they forward it to EVERYONE in their address book. then there’s my mother in law who i swear just forwards me every email she gets forwarded to her, without even reading them, and i refuse to perpetuate them so i just put them in her folder and forget about them.

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  2. Hate forwards!
    Fortunately my friends are like me and never send this type of thing.
    The only person I receive forwards from is my mother. She has gotten better over the years, though, and only send the good ones.
    I’m sorry you seem to be surrounded by people who like to forward stuff, particularly old jokes like the cat/dog thing you keep receiving from time to time :-).

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  3. My guilty forwarding pleasure is pictures dogs in Halloween costumes, or any other pictures of animals doing cute things. Other than that? Not so much. What is worse, I have started to get forwarded text messages on my phone. Of course, in 20 years, I will probably be complaining about bad poetry forwarded to the microchip in my brain, so I guess I should be grateful while my brain cells are still my own. 🙂

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  4. Hi June,
    HEAR, HEAR! FINALLY, someone with the cajones (love that word!) to say what I’ve been grumbling about for years!
    I admit, I do forward you emails here and there, but I make up for it by sending you actual emails about my daily humdrum life, right?
    Mostly I like to forward you cute animal emails like the otters who are holding hands. Seriously? If this does not make you melt and saw “Awwwwww!” then there’s something wrong with your soul!
    Tell me you want me to send those along, June!
    Worse than forwards are the people who use those idiotic emoticons in their emails. Ugh.
    Thanks for the airing of grievances and it’s not even Festivus!

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  5. You know what’s sad? I’m so dumb, I used to actually BELIEVE the crap I got–like the story about the lady buying flip-flops from Wal-Mart and having them burn her feet (complete with pictures). Boy, was I in a panic. I have since savvied up. Let’s hope. I do get some funny forwards, but usually they’re so dang annoying! People, we’re not that stupid (anymore)!

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  6. What color crayon WOULD you be, Junie?
    I have a friend who, seriously, has nothing better to do and probably doesn’t get more than one forward a week—-but loves to complain about it like she has so much action in her in box. Anyway, just to annoy her, I started titling all my e-mails to her something that sounded like a forward and I would put that Fwd: in front of the title. It amused me.
    But I do hate those forwards. Especially if it says that you will show how much you love God by forwarding them to as many people as possible. I think God would prefer we not annoy our friends with pictures of cats and angels and tired old poetry.

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  7. Oh, how strange. All this time, June and others had been referencing this Dog/Cat diary email. I was feeling very left out since I have never ever received it. And what do you think was waiting for me this morning in my inbox? The happy dog/sour puss diaries. I’m in the phonebook, I’m in the phonebook!

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  8. A post about chain email and porn, wow.
    June, maybe you can create a pornographic chain email filled with double entendre and hillarious marquee moments that we can send to everyone who has ever sent us a chain email. Something funny yet offensive.
    I hate the forwarded emails because even though I don’t respond to the crap, I feel guilty. Catholic much?

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  9. I agree. I have an Uncle that sends all the this is the end of the world e-mails but the man is in his 80’s so I cut him some slack. But I do not forward. I did reply once, this summer to a hate/scare e-mail about Obama. And I did reply all to his conservative friends and it actually went over pretty well – but I felt a little bit like a turd so now I don’t read them – just delete. I will forward you a friends’s reply to the Bill Gates – email – I think you’ll appreciate it. And I don’t expect you to forward it..

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  10. I have to agree with EmilyTakesTokyo…as much as we love our mothers, aunts, uncles, and extended Gen X & baby boomer relatives…people between the ages of 30 & 60 are the WORST about forwarding useless nonsense! My mother-in-law has sent me about twenty reasons why I am going to get cancer (plastic bottles, feeding my dog the wrong food, using a cell phone) in the past year. She’s the only one I’m afraid to tell off for doing it.

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  11. Last night I went grocery shopping and ate Zaxby’s for dinner. AND we got a fancy new chair, so that skank who sold mine to somebody else can rot.
    It is far easier to talk about myself than to forward pictures of animals having a bad day.

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  12. HERE HERE! Once in a great while I will get something that gives me a really good laugh. But, is it worth it to have to scroll through so many just for a laugh? I’d rather read your blog, where I am guaranteed a laugh.
    I would also love to see who originates this stuff….

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  13. Wow this is weird. I found a really funny picture online yesterday and I was going to send it to a few people and I typed in your email address… then I thought, hmm, she probably wouldn’t like getting crap. I guess you emit your crankiness against email crap unconsciously. But it wasn’t a FORWARD actually because no one had sent it to me, it was just something I saw…
    I HATE hateful, racist, sexist, America is number one keep out the Mexicans yeehaw, Obama is not a US citizen he’s a terrorist emails. From my coworkers! Seriously? I think if I was bigot, I wouldn’t want anyone to find out. But that’s just me. And I hate the “Forward this if you love Jesus, you’ll go to hell if you don’t” emails.

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  14. Can I just say? That this is why people should have to take a test to be granted Internet access. (Do we still have to capitalize “internet?”) (And did I do that quote/parentheses/punctuation right? Commenting on a proofreader’s blog is scary.)
    In my world it tends to be people of the generation of my parents-ish: 40-60 year olds who discovered Facebook and forwards and NEED to cyber-poke, -hug, -drink with, and -whateverthehellelsesomeoneputintoHTML all damn day.
    As one who grew up with computers and got an email address at 12 years old, can I just say: Follow June’s advice! And STOP “POKING” ME.

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  15. This is so true. I hate forwards….especially when the subject line says Fwd: Fwd: Fwd…etc. I just delete them all. There’s a woman in our church who feels compelled to send zillions of these “inspirational” emails to the pastors. As if they don’t have enough email already.
    I also (like Accidental Housewife) enjoy replying to the false emails with a link to the snopes index about that topic. I’m made especially happy when I see a follow up email sent out in which the sender apologizes about sending false information. Heh.
    And hey! Being on the Social Planning Committee is an honour. (Canadian spelling!) Were you nominated or did you volunteer?

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  16. About one forward in a thousand is worthwhile, and only if the person sending it to you cleans up all the email addresses and adds a personal note. I have even told one of my friends to stop sending me forwards and yet….they continue.

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  17. I do hate them, and my father in law sends them as attachments, and I have told him over and over again, I will not open any more attachments from you unless you add a note what it is and it’s safe. Why?? because I have gotten two viruses that crashed my entire computer, one making me buy a new computer from you you stupid old man!!!!
    But anyhow, yeah I hate how people can’t highlight and delete addresses, then hit the bbc button. Pisses me off all kinds of crazy.

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  18. Dee from Tennessee
    And I especially detested the forwarded emails during the presidential campaign (sp?)….for cryin’ out loud . Puleezee…..

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  19. I agree about all those forwards! We finally set up an exclusive e-mail address for two close relatives and a former co-worker. I just delete the others we receive at our main e-mail address.

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  20. Do you have cable? My husband and I like to flip through the cable listings for the adult channels. The titles are HILARIOUS. My favorite to date has been Beverly Hills Copulator.

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  21. My absolute favorite is the chain e-crap that warns you that you will die, your fiancee will die, your guppies will die, AND you will develop split ends if you don’t forward the chain to elebenty-thousand of your nearest and dearest friends.
    This stomach-heaving garbage was forwarded to me by my sister, my ‘friends’ and some sweet people that I barely know. Do they believe it???? Why am I such a wimp that I don’t tell them to stop sending it. Send me a shout-out, send me an e-fart, send me anything but that crap-ola. Heck, send me to the Lusty Lady! At least THAT would be entertaining.

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  22. I love Snopes, and I get GREAT pleasure sending the link that discounts the Bill Gates cash gift / organ stealing / free goat rides back to the person who was foolish enough to initially believe it and try to make my life better and safer by sending it on. These people need an anti-snopes, and I’ve found it: http://www.forwardedfunnies.com/ Now people who actually like this snivelling email vomit have a place to hang out. Hooray!

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  23. I wasn’t sure if the comment from “Mother” was in reference to emails or an elephant and dog show at the Lusty Lady. Booty and the Beast, perhaps?
    The only revolving emails I really enjoy is the one with the wittiest responses from the Hollywood Squares folks. Now that’s comedy!
    I laughed at the ipod joke and must forward it on to my 54,378 closest friends.

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  24. Oy, the forwards. And from such seemingly nice people who, I fear, would be so hurt and devastated if I were to yell: STOP THIS FORWARDING CRAP! Or STOP FORWARDING THIS CRAP! Or CRAP! STOP FORWARDING THIS!
    Now, June. If you did this whole post just so I, Paula FNY,D, would stop sending you links and pictures of fuzzy animals, you can Just Say So and I won’t be wounded. From New York. Thick Skinned. Have At It.

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  25. I personally enjoy the forwards where if you fail to send it forward, you’ll have bad luck for 70 years or something like that. Why do people think that email has the power to give us luck?!

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  26. I dont know about all of you, but Mr. Alstair Ogbstil IS splitting the 20 MILLION US that is stuck in his dear departed Prime Minister’s father’s bank account in Nigeria with ME… I already sent him my bank account number and after I pay the tax transfer fee of $10,000 I will be VERY VERY RICH…. Pie for everyone! I will just sit here, farting along to my IPOD, and wait for the deposit.

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  27. Oh, WAIT. I forgot. I did like a forward once.
    Have you seen the one where it’s all, “We have some cute dolphins to show you, and it’s a measure of how stressed you are if you see any differences, because these here dolphins are identical, but if they don’t look identical, then you must be a tad wee bit stressed.”
    And then . . . (well, I don’t want to be ruining the surprise if you haven’t seen it).

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  28. Or are you like Phyllis on the Office? Except, I am guessing, what with the booze and the adult entertainment, that you are like the other one — the one who got interventioned a few episodes back? Oh, right — are you {gasp} Meredith?
    So, I didn’t mind your forward, MUCH, though you gotta know that I’m not going to participate in such shenanigans. I am going to peacefully abstain from your chain letter o’ love, especially if it’s that stupid recipe box chain letter, because sharing stuff by email? IT’S WHY WE HAVE BLOGGING, PEOPLE!
    (Oh, and the worst of the worst of the worst of those email fwds is when people {coughjolynnecough} respond to ALL instead of just to the person who sent it.)
    But I love ya Junie, just don’t you be forwarding me no more crap.
    Amen.

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  29. I delete them all, except the surveys (IF I’m in a good mood). I do have some guilt about this though. I don’t understand why my otherwise fun, smart, and usually reasonable friends continue to send this stuff on…

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  30. OMGosh I totally agree. I despise those that are warnings intended to incite fear in the reader. Be careful because this really happened to my cousin’s friend’s golf partner – they STOLE HIS KIDNEY – and he woke up in a BATHTUB! Really? Do you need to send that out? And I get so tired of the “you’re one of the ten greatest women” ones. I just delete and don’t open. And these all come from some of my closest friends (ducking in case they’re reading).
    OK, thanks for letting me vent.

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  31. I agree totally about the emails. In fact, I just sent an email to all my friends who specialze in forwarding crap to me and told them that in an effort to simplfy my life, I’m giving up reading all this stuff and to please not send me anything like that again – especially the stuff with attachments which is where all the viruses (viri?) lurk just waiting to get into my PC.
    I wasn’t surprised when 5 people wrote back and said they were going to use my email themselves because they were tired of all the junk!
    You go Girl!

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  32. You know what I don’t like? Lazy forwards where you don’t bother to delete any gobbleygook previous messaging and so forth. If you can’t be bothered to clean up your emails then don’t send them.
    But, just for fun because I know how you love those forwarded jokes, here’s one someone sent me today:
    “You are on the bus when you suddenly realize … you need to fart.
    The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
    After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
    As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that’s when you remember: you’ve been listening to your Ipod.”
    And here’s some personal info in case the above made your ass twitch-
    My favorite crayon is periwinkle. I love the color. I love the way it sounds. If I were to marry Henry Winkler, I’d name our son Perry. Because I’d like him to have a lifetime of ridicule and get beat up on the playground.
    Now I think I’ll go snopes something.

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  33. Oh and about those fwd. My sister NEVER writes all she does is forward forwards to me. So I started forwarding her forwards back to her and everyone on HER email list. and I wonder why my sister doesn’t like me.

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  34. I used to walk by the Lusty Lady, too, and one time the sign said something like, “43 beautiful women and 3 ugly ones”. I always wanted to meet the ugly ones.
    Once in a great while I’ll find a forward funny but many of them I just delete. I always get embarrassed for people when they send out warnings that aren’t true.

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  35. Mom,
    First of all, I just tried to call you twice and you are clearly at home, refusing to answer the phone. Fine.
    Second, I, too like the animal pictures. So maybe my animal picture is someone else’s forwarded blond joke.

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