A Charmin-g Story

I had to go to Target tonight, to refill my prescription for that lovely elixir Topamax, which not only removes my migraines but also makes me look as though I may have rickets. I have now lost FIFTEEN POUNDS taking Topamax. You can imagine how I didn't want to miss a day.

"Oh, you're going to Target?" asked Marvin, who had been home for hours while I worked, commuted, and got the dog from day care. "We're out of toilet paper."

First of all, Marvin's version of "out of toilet paper" may vary from yours or mine. He loads us up with about 72 rolls of backup at all times. We are always ready for devil's night or a huge bout of Montezuma's Revenge.

Nevertheless, when I got to Target I got one of those hand baskets, because he said we were out of soap, too, and besides, I never get out of Target with what I just came in for. I don't know why Target doesn't place stacks of hand carts all around the store, since everyone I know gets hypnotized by that place and ends up buying a sweater and some stationery and a new toothbrush and some hair gel and a new CD and a shower rack when all they came in for were some Q-Tips.

Well. I am sorry to tell you they were having a really good sale on Charmin, but it was one of those things where you had to buy that huge, huge, tall stack of toilet paper but it was only 69 cents or something. My instinct was that I did not want to be seen strolling around Target with that tower of toilet tissue, but the SIX PACK was more than that huge condominium, so I put it in my cart.

The thing ROSE UP almost as high as my head, and I looked ridiculous, and as I headed to the pharmacy, I thought, "That pharmacist is gonna think I'm going to take a bunch of Topamax and have a big poop fest tonight."

Okay. For some reason, probably because I'm 11, I cracked myself up with this thought. I mean, it didn't even make sense. Topamax kind of stops you up, if you want to know the truth. Nevertheless, every time I got near the pharmacy window, I would think, "Big poop fest" and I would crack myself up all over again and start to giggling and have to wander around in the KY aisle and try to compose myself.

And seriously, when did KY get mainstream? They have a whole litany of products suddenly.

It took me about three tries before I stopped giggling and then the pharmacist was really friendly and I ended up telling her that in fact I was NOT planning a big poop fest that night, and she probably thinks I am berserk.

When I got home, I set that enormous Marcia Brady's house of cards high rise of tissue on the table. Marvin walked in and said, "Did you get toilet paper?" 

44 thoughts on “A Charmin-g Story

  1. “Did you get toilet paper?” I think it’s a male optical problem. They just don’t see the OBVIOUS! They open the refrigerator door and yell, “where’s the mayonnaise?” It’s right in the door where it has been the past 42 years! My male co-worker used to ask me for stuff that was on top of his desk. I would retrieve it right in front of him and I would say, “where’s the mayonnaise” and promptly return to my cubicle. It’s a male thing, I’m telling ya!
    This entire post just made me ROFL!!! Then the comments just made is more hilarious!

    Like

  2. I just got home from Target and thought about you while lugging my giant tower of Charmin to the counter. I stood over by the Q-tips trying not to burst out in giggles.

    Like

  3. Plum Cow:
    June is right: Big Poop Fest. Possibly your boyfriend was a charter member of Big Poop Fest, The World Tour.

    Like

  4. WOW! It was posted! Of course it was the quick version with a wonderful type. Yep, I’m werking with them computers and them thar gunky monitors. Gonna go home soon and have a mini poop fest…iff’en we have any pages left in that ole catalog.

    Like

  5. boo hoo, I can’t post any comments. I’ve tried off and on all day, yeah when I was supposedly working my day job. This post and comments have had me snorting and spraying them monitor all day. This is one last try…..

    Like

  6. Paula FNY-
    I used to date a guy who would go into the bathroom, flush MANY times over the course of oh, 30 minutes and when he was done the whole roll would be gone.
    I dated him for two years, but never dared ask him what the blazes he was doing in there. Any clues?

    Like

  7. I just stumbled across your blog from looking at other blog’s blogrolls (confused how I got here? me too) anyway….your posts have made me literally Laugh Out Loud and I just wanted to let you know from a “lurker” (i.e. I have no blog of my own) that I give your blog 4 stars!! keep up the entertaining posts….so I can keep on laughing out loud

    Like

  8. I am so glad someone else remembers that episode of the Brady Bunch. It has always bugged me. I mean, why didn’t Jan (or was it Marcia) take off her stupid bracelet instead of making such a fuss about it not hitting the house of cards? Why?

    Like

  9. Chickadee, June was ALWAYS this funny and has the ability to bring it out in others. I’m surprised they don’t have her picture next to the word “fun” in the dictionary.
    I love Target for their wonderful deals on DVDs. Some people have problem with alcohol, i have a problem DVDs….especially TV shows. Watching a show like “24” without commercials gets your heart rate going without leaving your sofa. Better yet, when watching a show like “Lost” commercial free, you can almost figure out what the hell is going.

    Like

  10. At least Marvin tells you before you are out – my Hubby waits until he has used up the last possible square & then announces – “Oh we are out of TP’. I have to hide stashes around the house – just in case… And I agree on the Target thing – if I get out of there under $50 it’s a damn miracle. Oh one more thing – I read Topamax also decreases your sex drive – is that too personal for Ask June?

    Like

  11. Erin: My son or husband, I haven’t caught them red-handed yet, sets the new roll perpendicular on the empty tube. Every. Time. Their most grievous infraction, one which I documented with my cell phone camera and sent to everyone on my contact list, was the time they propped up a Kleenex box on the empty damn tube.
    Men + Toilet Paper = Issues.

    Like

  12. does marvin put on a new roll when the old one is gone? my husband just sets the new one on top of the empty cardboard tube that’s still on the roll. why?

    Like

  13. My husband has worked for the last seven of his 20-year retail career at Target. He lives for funny customers. They’re so few and far between. One day he sensed that he could joke around with a mom he was checking out that was buying her little girl animal-print cowboy boots and a princess dress. He commented that he wasn’t sure the two went together. She quickly quipped, “Well, we don’t take fashion advice from someone who wears red and khaki every day.” 🙂 Classic.

    Like

  14. June, you crack me up! And I KNOW the only reason you didn’t add room freshener and undies to your cart is because you would not have been able to keep a straight face at the register. Poop Fest! There’s a t-shirt logo I’d like to see.
    I particularly like your hidden snark at Marvin that he was HOME and you were working and commuting and dog picking up. And then that he didn’t see the toilet paper! Hee!
    PS. What is it with men and toilet paper? We could’ve easily held back Lake Pontchartrain with what we usually have on hand. (One time we had to make an emergency bathroom stop at an unnamed fast food place … ok, Taco Bell … and much to my son’s horror he discovered too late that they were out of toilet paper. He had to ransack his wallet and pockets and he used every receipt and scrap of paper he could find. Fortunately he didn’t need to return any of his purchases. And who doesn’t CHECK the toilet paper situation ahead of time? MEN, that’s who.)

    Like

  15. 72 rolls? Would literally fill our bathroom. It’s so tiny. I hate that we have to buy the 12 pack, because it takes up such a large space. There is no discreet place to keep it.

    Like

  16. I have nothing witty to say in regards to the most hilarious post above. I just can’t compete with those kinds of comments.
    I did, however, stumble upon a YouTube comment today where a person actually wrote that they liked something “imparticular”, not “in particular” as it should be. It reminded me of an earlier post of yours where you mentioned that your hackles are raised when someone says “for all intensive purposes”. When will this world be rid of these people?!?!

    Like

  17. Oh dear, I am afraid we might me married to the same man!!!!!!! If we are, you can have him! 🙂 I would blame it on being a depression era child but he is only 40!

    Like

  18. Has anyone else noticed how some tp manufacturers abbreviate the number of sheets of paper on a roll? Some may say 500 shts. Or on the double roll, 1000 shts. Is that some sort of sublimal messaging?

    Like

  19. I ran into a male friend of my husbands at the drug store once holding a box of Tampax, an ear wax cleaner and that ball thing that you squirt the water in with and some stool softener. My son had an ear infection, my husband had just had surgery and of course, the tampax was for me.
    We say hello and then he notices what I am holding and says, “Big night?”. I started giggling and couldn’t stop for 30 minutes. Of course, the more I tried to explain, the worse it got. I didn’t try to hide in the KY aisle, though, that would have finished me.
    Oh well, off to Target to buy some extra large condoms…

    Like

  20. I hate it when I get the giggle farts in a store. You know then you have to go find an empty aisle and the more you giggle the more you fart. Then some guy always decides he needs extra large condoms and I have to run off to another aisle.

    Like

  21. Oh, crap! I was gonna mention that Lone Butterfly, the woman who started counting but then had contractions so she got distracted, had her baby! A girl! I pointed out that the baby is an Aquarius, the water bearer, and she had contractions in the shower.
    Anyway, Lone Butterfly said she is planning to shower again soon and will give us her count, and that she was even thinking of our stupid count after, you know, GIVING BIRTH just cracked me up.

    Like

  22. I finally did your hair wetting countdown experiment this morning. Except I forgot the protocol and counted one Mississippi, two Mississippi, etc. It took me TWELVE MISSISSIPPIS to get my freaking hair wet enough to shampoo it. Thought you would want to know.

    Like

  23. I want some Topamax. I am going to read up on the symptoms of migranes so I can fake it and get my doctor to prescribe some. 15 lbs! beach ready by spring break.
    Sometimes I get down to 1 roll. Its not like there is gonna be a volcanic eruption any minute…..why would anyone feel the need to stockpile???

    Like

  24. My question is how can you not have a case of tp on the ready?Seriously, I don’t think I could sleep at night if my stock got down to one 6 pack.

    Like

Comments are closed.