June's stupid life

This entire post was written around the body of a cat. A really irksome, insistent cat.

First of all, excellent marriage advice, everyone! Eeeexcellent, Smithers. Really, thank you. You all rock. It is like I have hundreds of friends all over the world. And hey, I'm trying to get someone from New Zealand to read this blog. Wouldn't that be cool? COME ON, NEW ZEALAND!

Second, someone sent me a link last week, with pictures of old rooms from the '30s and '40s. I want that person to know I have gotten nothing done since she sent me that link. Oh! I love those old drawings of 1930s kitchens and 1940s living rooms and libraries and such.

Third, all sorts of nice people have mentioned me on their blogs lately, and given me nice awards, and I don't know how to take the award from their blog and put it on mine. I have no computer skills, a thing dcrmom and Marvin can attest to. The part where I learned how to put pictures on here took 750 divorce-inducing hours. But don't think I'm not grateful for my awards.

One hundred and ninthly, driving home this evening, could've sworn we had it all worked out. You had this boy believing way beyond a shadow of a doubt. Well, I HEARD it on the street. HEARD you might've found somebody new.

Okay, that was only funny if you are as old as I am and you spent seven hours a night watching MTV in 1982.

I was driving home tonight and I heard the song Praise You by Fatboy Slim and I remembered the first time I saw the video for it. I was thinking, "That was the hardest I ever laughed in my entire life, the first time I saw that video." Even later when I learned they weren't an actual dance troupe, I STILL laughed at that video, because the thought that anyone could choreograph dancing that ridiculous just kills me.

Then I thought, no. The hardest I ever laughed was the time my cousin Katie and I were at the gas station, and I was filling the tank and she opened the car door and said, "Maybe when we get home, you can cream my feet." Now, that is an old joke between the two of us, but what was funny about it was that some pervert man was filling HIS tank, and he looked so COMPLETELY AROUSED by us that we fell into hysterical giggles, and I had to somehow finish filling my tank while I was in fits.

But no, then I remembered the time I was driving in a separate car from my high school boyfriend, and I thought he was in the car next to me at a stop light so I pulled down my eyes and pushed up my nose and turned to his car, only it was some complete stranger, and I had to sit through the entire stop sign next to that person.

But then I remembered the time Marvin and I were at the fancy restaurant and the menu had a dessert item called an apple dump but he called it an apple shunt.

But no. I remember the time I laughed the hardest. I was about 12, and my mom, my Aunt Kathy, my Uncle Leo and I were at an A&W. You all know what those are, right? They are the kinds of restaurants where you order and eat in your car.

I have no idea why, but my mother and I were eating in one car, my aunt and uncle in the other. Mom and I happened to look over at Uncle Leo at the same time, and he was tossing the rest of his vanilla shake out the window.

Except his window was shut.

All you could see for a minute was all vanilla shake, all the time. Then, as it slowly dripped down, you could see my uncle with his head thrown back, laugh laugh laughing. I guess the funniest part was that we knew how ding-dang NOT funny my Aunt Kathy was finding it, over in the passenger seat.

She is neat and tidy. She is a Virgo.

If you know me in real life, you are probably going to write in and say no, you were much more hysterical the time blah blah blah. And that is fine. I could be wrong.

So tell me when you think you laughed the hardest. Oh, and one more thing before I go feed this ANNOYING CAT. I don't think Marvin is reading this blog anymore. So every day, I'm gonna say something that if he were reading it, he'd be really angry about, and we'll see how many days until he yells at me.

Day One. I bought the CUTEST Kate Spade bag today for $425! I charged it! Shhh! Don't tell Marvin!

42 thoughts on “This entire post was written around the body of a cat. A really irksome, insistent cat.

  1. I wasn’t actually there when said funny story happened, but I will share anyway as my grandma has told me this 100 times at least.
    She spent a whole day cleaning all the windows while my Grandpa was at work. He came home and laid down to take a nap. One of their cats wouldn’t leave him alone. Grandpa sat up, grabbed the cat by the scruff of the neck and threw it out the (what he thought was) open window. Said window wasn’t open, and said cat splatted against it. Kitty was not harmed, but Grandpa has never lived it down.

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  2. Three years ago. In Paris. With my BFF, Lily. She was a flight attendant and so we got buddy passes and that is how a normal not rich person likes me gets a trip to Paris.
    Anyhoo, she and I were walking down the sidewalk toward the Louvre and we see this guy changing clothes behind a nearby tree. I thought perhaps he had shorts on and he was taking off some exercise pants that were on top of the supposed shorts.
    I was mistaken. Paris Pervert takes off his pants and underpants (if he was wearing any to begin with.) Mind you he is still wearing a hat, shirt, jacket, socks, shoes, and backpack (wherein his pants are neatly folded.)
    And he proceeds to walk down the crowded sidewalk as if it’s totally normal to walk down a crowded Paris street with all one’s clothes except the ones covering private parts.
    Well, Lily and I are doubled over behind a tree laughing ourselves sick, viewing the Paris pervert from behind.
    I have the pictures to prove it (taken from behind of course.) And now I’m thinking this would make a great blog post.
    The time I laughed almost as hard has actually been every time Lily and I pull up those pictures.
    Maybe that means we’re perverts too.

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  3. Maybe the time when I read the Poopie List (http://www.bathroomjokes.com/poop/list.htm)
    and laughed so hard I cried and couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t look at it for days afterward without giggling.
    And did you know they have A&Ws in Japan? Well, they do in Okinawa, anyway, and I thought it was funny because I don’t know that I’ve ever seen one in the States.

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  4. I think maybe the hardest I’ve ever laughed is at Gladys’ dad drawing Palsy instead of Paisley in Pictionary… that made tears stream down my face. She should definitely get ‘comment of the week’ with that one.

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  5. Dang, I wish my husband didn’t read my blog!
    Anyway…
    When I was in college, I had a roommate named Jeff. One day, he and I were driving through town, and there was this guy standing on the corner stradling a bike, with a hubcap under his arm. As we drove past this poor guy, Jeff hangs himself out of the car window and screams at the guy, “HEY! THAT’S MY HUBCAP!” We both laughed so hard I don’t know how we didn’t crash the car. Ok, so we were a little bit stoned. But even today, when he visits once in a while, all I have to do is say to him “Hey, that’s my hubcap!” and we lose it all over again. And this was 20 years ago.

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  6. Love A&W. Love Hairless Whiskers. Loved MTV in 1982! Here’s my story:
    I’m very pregnant and hormonal, going through a drive thru window for a fast food lunch. I yell my order but they don’t answer me, so I’m really irritated and drive up to the window and place my order. after she takes my money, I say “you know you really need to get that speaker box fixed!” and she looked at me with disgust before she replied. “It works. We could see you yelling. Your window was rolled up.” I meekly said thank you and pull over to wait for my taco salad…

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  7. That video is the funniest thing I’ve seen in quite a while. They are completely committed to it, right there in the theater line, leotards and jazz hands.

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  8. I’ve never seen anyone laugh as hard as the BMOC of my high school the day he drove by when I was walking down the sidewalk. I looked right into those dreamy eyes, waved “hello” and then walked smack into the incoveniently located stop sign.

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  9. My hubby doesn’t read my blog either…I cut him off the email list when he never commented, now he says he “can’t find it”. Never mind that it is saved to our favorites or that the title is his bloomin’ name! So far I have put pictures of him sleeping on there etc….one of these days he’ll learn!
    By the way, I’m posting your baby prediction on my blog today (sorry no award)…I hope you are right!

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  10. Menonite Porn? Love that! Conjures quite the imagery!
    OK…Four stories, sorry for the length of this. I had to set the stage for the last two!
    In Jr. High math class with my girlfriend Jill. We had one of those silent giggle fits where you just can’t look at each other without getting hysterical. So, of course, you both end up peeking at each other, gurgling and giggling! The teacher finally asked us to leave and compose ourselves. Of course, that sent us into uncontrollable gales of laughter. We were literally laughing about laughing the entire time – no incident even started the whole thing!
    Second – at a friend’s wedding. The blowhard father of the bride proceeded to give a “speech.” The man was obviously not thrilled with the groom and was going on and on about his little girl, yadda yadda yadda, blah blah blah and on and ON this man went. Well, my husband and I started to giggle because it was so obsurd, then it spread to our table mates and then the NEXT table started in once they realized what we were all laughing about. It was really horribly embarrassing, but once you start with the crying laughter, you simply cannot stop! It was hysterical!
    Ok. This is kinda gross, but it was so funny, I’ll go ahead. I worked for many years as a whale researcher. Aside from our research we also provided educational narration aboard commercial whale watches. One of the places we’d go to do whale watch trips was Nantucket. We’d leave aboard our boat and ride overnight to Nantucket from Gloucester, MA. It took about 6 hours on a calm night.
    Well, the boat owners decided they’d also run a ferry and carry passengers to Nantucket with us (much to the dismay of the crew). So, there were usually about a dozen or so paying passengers aboard the boat with us on any given trip.
    The bunks were below decks, wooden partitions with just curtains for doors. There were three of us crew (all girls) in the best bunk room by the stairs and then some passengers nearby. Apparently the guy in the bunk room next to ours had eaten vast quantities of pepperoni. The smell of concentrated pepperoni farts is not something one can ignore for very long!
    Well this went on for probably a half an hour and I finally said, in a loud whisper to my bunk-mates, “What the FUCK did that guy eat?” Which sent them into raucous gales of laughter. We simply could not stop laughing! The more he farted the more we laughed! It was so friggin funny! Smelly, but funny!
    Last story also involves whale watching and the bunk room. This time, we were on board a boat usually used for gnarly fishing guys. This time I had my husband’s family aboard as guests- husband, Mom Jan and Uncle Burt were there. This was a special 2 day trip also to the waters off Nantucket to see whales. Well, night one, departing from Gloucester, we all went to the bunk room and got settled in at around 10pm.
    Had a fabulous day of whale watching (saw like 100+ humpbacks!) and then went and docked in Nantucket. We got off the boat had a great dinner (and drinks!) and then went back to the boat to settle in again.
    Now, my crew-mate and friend, Kathy was in the lowest bunk underneath mine. My husband, his mom, and uncle were in other bunks in our compartment. Well, we were standing around talking in our compartment, and I had just taken a HUGE mouthful of water from a gallon jug.
    Just then, my husband blurts out “It smells like ASS down here!” And, of course, where did my big mouthful of water go? I spewed it all over the head of my crewmate Kathy as she had her head poking out from under my bunk!
    The five of us started laughing so hysterically that other people in the bunk area also started laughing even though they didn’t have a clue what was so funny! It took us a good 45 minutes to finally settle down enought to sleep!
    Good times!

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  11. One more and then I promise to stop. When I was nineteen, I was a hostess at a restaurant. On busy weekend nights, a microphone had to be used to be heard above the waiting crowd. “Smith! Party of two!” My manager called as she collected the menus for the waitress. My turn! “FARTER! PARTY FOR BORES!”
    My manager turned and burst into hysterics. I, red-faced, handed the menus to the waiter and asked the BARTER, party of FOUR, to follow her.
    TA DA!

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  12. Okay, a long time ago, when I actually would go camping, a group of us were out in the woods. It startd to rain in the middle of the night. We had driven our small hatchback into a precarious spot and were afraid it would become stuck. Everyone packed up in a hurry as the rain came down in sheets. One of us drove while the other three had to stand in beside the vechicle and continually put pine boughs under the wheels to keep the damn thing moving. I was at the rear wheel, and lifted my head to ask if we were nearing the end. That is when saw that in his haste to get dressed, my friend Joe, had put on his underpants OUTSIDE of his jeans! I just sat down in the mud and wailed.
    Most recently, my husband turned to me in the car and asked if there was such a thing as “Menonite Porn”. We cried as we taunted eachother with images of wanton women giving a clavicle peek.
    It’s a good thing we were already parked.

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  13. I loved reading all the funny stories! My funniest one was my first job out of high school. I have always been a klutz. I was going downstairs to the cafeteria for lunch and realized the “President” of the company was behind me so I was nervous. I tripped on the bottom step and fell on my ass so embarassed. He helped me up and I thought that was it. Well the same day, I was walking out to my car after work in the ice and slipped and fell UNDER my car! Guess who was standing right next to me when I did it??? Yep, the President again. I’ll bet he will never forget me?????

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  14. I used to work in a law firm. The main conference room had a regular door and next to the door there was a floor-to-ceiling glass panel, about the same width as the door. There was a meeting scheduled and our attorneys were already in the conference room, seated at the table. The door was closed but you could see them through the glass panel. The client walked in, saw the attorneys waiting, gave them a big wave and strode full tilt KAH-BAM!! into the glass panel. Thank God I wasn’t in the conference room and could make a hasty escape because I could not get hold of myself! The client even left a face-shaped smudge on the glass!
    He sort of bounced off the glass, shook himself and then went through the door which, by then, one of the attorneys had opened.
    I had to hide in the ladies’ room and/or the break room every time the conference room door opened because I dissolved into screeching, raucous gales of laughter and I couldn’t let the client hear me.
    I later found out that the client had an egg on his head and when one of our attorneys pointed it out to him, assuming it was from his bash into the glass panel, he said, “oh no, I already had that.” That set me off again.

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  15. OH I want to go to A&W. I miss it terribly–not one here in Australia. I loved the teen burger and the A&W rootbeer (no root beer here either)
    Laughed so hard about the milkshake and the window.
    Hairless Whiskers—-brought to mind my daughter always sang along to a television ad. The ad was about “those old banking blues” daughter sang (and she thought she was right) “those old baggy boobs” !!!

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  16. Okay, I just have to say about your Jack Frost funeral home story?.. We really had a funeral home in my hometown when I was growing up, called Frost Funeral Home.
    Look it up, Belle Fourche, South Dakota.
    Oh my sides!

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  17. June, your story about your dad asking for Jack Frost at the funeral home reminded me of my most embarrassing moment ever; which still makes me cringe- and laugh hysterically – whenever I think of it.
    I was in my early 20’s, calling the Dr’s office for my pap smear test. When the receptionist asked who was calling, I said, “Mrs. Smear”. Why this came out of my mouth, I have no idea. I never refer to myself as Mrs. anything!! My husband and I laughed FOREVER about that one.

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  18. (While at the mall) Stuffing the male underwear mannequins with a rolled-up pair of tube socks is always good for a few hucks. Funnier still is putting the socks on the backside.

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  19. June-
    The A&W milkshake scene is sublime, it should be written into a movie.
    I have many hysterical moments but one that comes to mind was back in Saginaw when we were in junior high, my mother got the bright idea to have me try on prom dresses at the mall. It was cheap entertainment. Back in that day, they were ridiculously frilly, and I was all tomboy.
    We were in Gantos or Town and Country, and when my mother saw me in this frilly number with my tube socks on, we both hit the floor in fits. The stuck up sales ladies disgusted looks only made us laugh harder.
    I’m certain that we laughed for at least 30 minutes before we could walk out of there.

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  20. One of the funny moments in my life:
    I was baking for the market sale. My kids were outside playing with the neighborhood kids. I heard a fight so i went outside: a couple of the other moms were there. I went over to them and asked what was up. They looked at me really oddly then both took their kids inside quickly
    I took my kids in and went to the bathroom. When i was washing my hands i looked up in the mirror and if i hadn’t peed already would’ve peed my pants laughing … because… when i was baking i had been worried that my hair would get in the food. I didn’t have a hair net so i’d taken a pair of the baby’s ruffled bloomers and stuck that on my head lol.

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  21. I think I laughed the hardest reading these comments – Hairless Whiskers….gah….can’t stop singing it…Time can never mend the hairless whiskers of a good friend.

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  22. First, we have tons of A&W’s here (Canada) – but I’ve never been to one where you eat in the car. I think they did that in the 60s or something.
    (Disclaimer: I don’t know anything about the 60s. I know my mom was born in the 60s. And that’s when housewifery became a supposedly horrific future, it was all about feminism or something. But whenever I hear about something (anything!) happening “back then”, I automatically associate it with the 60s. I have no idea why. I guess it makes me sound somewhat accurate? Must’ve been quite the decade.)
    Anyway, one time I laughed so hard – me and my friend kicked an empty lip gloss container for 7 blocks. We have no idea why, but it was hysterically funny at the time, especially when we had to get it up 18 stairs (that took some teamwork and patience).
    Another time, this same friend and I were having a super serious conversation wherein she was confiding in me about doubts in her relationship with her boyfriend, how she wasn’t sure she could commit. Meanwhile I had zoned out and attached a keychain to a rubber band, then attached the rubber band to the middle of my glasses and started swinging it around and interrupted her exclaiming, “I’m an elephant!” After which I immediately cracked up laughing. At first she didn’t think it was too funny, but then she started laughing with me. I can’t handle serious conversations.
    Contrary to what you’re thinking, I don’t drink. Which is saying a lot, I work with a bunch of alcoholic accountants.

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  23. Well two events come to mind with the laughter thing. First, we had close friends we spend a lot of time with when we all were young married couples. I had a couple of beers and I was a little tipsey (I know, I know only two beers, it didn’t usually drink). My husband and I were leaving their home for the evening and they followed us out onto their carport. Something made me laugh and our friends said, “be quiet, you might wake our neighbors.” I don’t know for the life of me why I thought that statement was so funny. I couldn’t stop laughing! The more I tried to be quiet the harder I laughed. It was hysterical.
    Second, when my Mom and I saw “Sanders Family Christmas” at the Cumberland Theater in Cookville, TN. Unless you grew up in a Baptist church in the south, I doubt if you would find this wonderful play so terrible funny. My sides hurt after that grand performance.
    The post you did on the red sole shoes is the funniest thing you have ever written.
    I can see why the vanilla shake incident was so funny.

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  24. Tears streaming down my face from Uncle Leo throwing his shake all over the window…
    Jeez… funniest thing ever… there are so many. I guess one would be at my Grandpa’s funeral, three cousins got up to sing “a special”. And it was special. It was so horrific that my sisters and I started to laugh hysterically. We were all bent over, trying to stifle our laughter, when people behind us started patting our backs and saying things like “Bless her heart” and “It’s OK, we’ll all miss him”. That made us laugh harder.
    That’s right… laughing at the funeral… we’re going to Hell in a Handbag. A Kate Spade handbag.
    Is it one of the polka-dot numbers? I have two Kate Spades… both striped. A summer stripe and a spring stripe. But now I want a little polka dotted one. And I saw a very cute paisley one. Oh, I love a new handbag.
    I will try to remember more funniest times ever. Because there are soooo many.

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  25. in like 1972, my mom got into reading all these helpful hints. we were on a road trip and my mom saw the guy in the other lane had a rag stuck in his gas tank. she sped up until she was right next to him and shouted, “stick a potato in it!” because that’s the advice heloise gave if you lost your gas cap. the guy must have thought she lost her mind, gave her a dirty look, shot the bird at her and sped off. later, we saw him by the side of the road with a cop, probably getting a ticket. my mom said, “that’s what he gets for being so rude.” smooth move, mom!

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  26. First, good luck with New Zealand, I’m still trying to get someone from Wyoming. How are you playing in Azerbaijan?
    Second, I do that, I wonder if he’s paying attention thing too, except I use Coke cans.
    Third, funniest thing ever?????
    When my sisters and I were in Jr. High as they called it back then, our youth group was going to CA for some reason. My grandma had heard about all the crime in CA and decided to make us bra pockets. Although it would have been fairly obvious we had bra pockets if we had anything more than 2 cents in them, she cautioned us to “not show anyone” our bra pockets, except for maybe Jeff, our sponsor.
    Hilarity ensued.

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  27. There have been so many times. Many of those times were with you, crying from laughing so hard. It was like getting an abdominal workout without doing any sit ups. I remember having a “Dilly” of a time with you at Pit & Balcony.

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  28. I love that song.
    One memory that just keeps on giving involves my husband.
    We had just started dating, and we went to a local burger place to eat. He stopped by the restroom, while I waited for him outside. A few minutes later, he limped out. He had thrown out his back. All I kept asking between fits of laughter was “What were you DOING in there?” And he kept saying “All I did was pee.”

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  29. The vanilla shake was the funniest! The hardest I have laughed lately was the day Lazy Mom Amanda and I came up with the Lazy Moms book idea at lunch. After lunch we did some shoppig together. We were looking for some book that a friend suggested that would help you tell your children about sex. We were at Barnes and Noble asking the college girl behind the help desk if she could help us find this book and explained what it was. Amanda leans in and says, “or we could just bring them here to you, you are the information desk” she then looked at me and says, “that what a Lazy Mom would do. We know it’s not that funny now, but man! It was ALL funny that day!

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  30. Link for the bag, please. Laughing giggling and foot creaming is all well and good, but Kate Spade bags are the crux of the matter here.

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  31. My mom thought the song was Hairless Whiskers (it was Careless Whispers)
    Heres a dirty one that is funny, my sisters and I were laughing and reading Cosmo or something on how you should tighten your Kegels so sex is better and her funny as hell boyfriend walked right by the room listened in for a bit and said “you should do that D, having sex with you is like throwing a hotdog down a hallway”
    it took me a few moments as I am blond and he was only joking but I have never heard that explained that way. We always said loosey goosey. He also says he is going to drop the kids off at the pool (go #2)
    I have so many, I will tell them as I think of them.
    The milkshake story seriously brought tears to my eyes. I spit a huge wad of gum out a closed window once.

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  32. I live in New Zealand (but I’m originally from Scotland) but I’m afraid I have absolutely no marriage advice because I’ve never been married (and since I recently split up with my boyfriend it isn’t likely to happen anytime soon!). Love your blog and I’m sure others in NZ do too!

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  33. Lenette,
    Cuts Like a Knife by Bryan Adams. And there’s a pretty heart necklace in that video.
    Plus also, I remembered another time I laughed really hard. My grandfather had died, which I know shouldn’t make you laugh. We took him to Snow Funeral Home, and my father called over there for some reason, and he must’ve been playing a word association thing in his mind, because instead of asking for Mr. Snow he said, “Yes. Is this Jack Frost?”
    My Aunt Mary and I were splayed. Splayed on the floor in hysterics. That funeral director must have thought we were awful people.

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  34. Back when aerobics was popular and I had a halfway decent body I started taking a class. I wanted to pretend I was really classy, so I went a bought new leotards and a body suit. The studio had a big wall that was a mirror. The teacher had us do warm ups and then had us running around in a circle in the room. As I was approaching the mirrored wall, I saw that my leotards had fallen from my waist and were now down to my knees held up by my body suit. I was soooo embarrassed, I just ran out of there and never went back.

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  35. First? What are those lyrics that are throwing me into an 80’s flashback? REO?
    Remember in the early days of MTV when they aired hours of exercise videos, that were really just gratuitous booty shots?
    A & W’s are gone here, but I still crave a Teen Burger and Porky Tater.

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  36. The hardest I ever laughed was when Pictionary first came out. My dad thought the word he was supposed to draw was Palsy it wasn’t it was PAISLY. He drew a stick figure with squiggly lines all around it. I was his partner and had to guess. I took one look at it and KNEW what it was. Then I looked at the real word and almost choked to death from laughing so hard.

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