Oh, and don’t get me started on whatever Lisa Rinna has done to herself

Wherebone

Before I begin complaining about Jennifer Aniston's hair, I would like to thank Pal from MA, or should I say Aunt Pal from MA, who not only loaned me some earrings, but also sent a nice bone for Tallulah. Sadly, by the time I got my camera to photograph  Tallulah enjoying said bone, that thing was already in her past.

Were you worried the earrings were in her gullet, as well?

Okay, so what I have to say is, this was Jennifer Aniston's big moment. It was her opportunity to be all golden and glowy and sunny like she can be, and really show up old Morticia, glowering in the front row, as she in wont to do ALL THE FRICKEN TIME.

Why can't that Angelina  Jolie CHEER UP, ever? I mean, you've stolen every man you've ever wanted, you've got all the ink you've ever dreamed of having, you have the 9 million kids you crave. SMILE!

And I really wanted Jennifer Aniston to do it. To be as stunning as I know she can be. And then she didn't brush her hair.

Why do stylists think the rest of us are going to understand their avant-garde things? I mean, maybe Jennifer Aniston's stylist was making some sort of statement I am too shallow to understand, but you know what? Once Jennifer Aniston got to the Vanity Fair party, she brushed her hair. So my feeling is once she had the opportunity to get over the ABJECT TERROR she must have felt at having to go on stage in front of ghoulish Angelina Jolie and her ex-husband–and who wouldn't be nervous about doing that, with all of us watching knowing full well what's going on?–she finally retreated to the bathroom and said, "GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY, WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY HAIR?"

And that is when she took a brush to it.

And here's the other part. If I were Jennifer Aniston, I do not care if I were at the Oscars, and the whole world was watching and my career were at stake. If I got out on stage, and old crypt-keeper Angelina Jolie were RIGHT THERE in the front row, RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, what I would do is LEAP off the stage, land with my feet on each of Angelina Jolie's armrests, and pull off her snide, too-cool-for-all-this monkey face. I would scream like a banshee and pull that monkey face clean off.

And steal those emerald earrings, is what I'd do. Because those were really pretty.

Then I'd high-tail it out the front door.

Perhaps this is why I'm not a movie star, as I appear to lack any sort of decorum. And I know in reality it is Brad Pitt we should all be mad at, but for some reason–and I am unsure if I have made this evident–I am not fond of Angelina Jolie.

The only person who bugs me more than Angelina Jolie is that Gwyneth Paltrow. I'd like to see those two fight to the death, perhaps on top of the screaming form of that I Kissed a Girl person, Katie Perry or whoever, the one who always has to wear a banana and roll her eyes. Oh, give it up already. Kiss a speeding locomotive.

Someone took her bitter pill today, didn't she?

36 thoughts on “Oh, and don’t get me started on whatever Lisa Rinna has done to herself

  1. I am also not fond of Angelina Jolie and I have to say that “snide, too-cool-for-all-this monkey face”, is one of the best descriptions I’ve ever read. I’m pretty sure it’s not just you that lacks decorum and there are quite a few of us who would want to do similar face ripping scenarios if we were Jennifer Aniston. I just don’t think we could write it quite as well as you!

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  2. Dear What About Mom,
    I HATE THAT WEBSITE!!!!!!!!!! “Live authentically! Buy $998 boots!”
    Yes, please, tell me how to live, someone who has never for ONE SECOND lived like us!
    And she looks like an egg.
    I should really not post during this particular day in my cycle.

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  3. Here’s something for you to try at your next party. Casually mention that Brangelina ain’t all that, and that she’s buying kids to fill a hole in her soul. Well, maybe wait til you want everyone to clear out. Then mention that Brad is single handedly rebuilding New Orleans so he can get out of the house and away from what I can only assume is screaming kids and tempting nannies. Well, maybe not the nannies, Angie ain’t stupid after all, just trashy, her nannies are probably all matronly saints. I doubt that Angie is self assured enough to hire cute 20 year olds.
    Hey and as long as we’re kissing people and stealing husbands, let’s not forget that Angie used to make out with her brother in public, ewwww.

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  4. OK I agree on Jens hair. As for Jolly Jolie the first thing I thought when I saw her ear-rings and ring was “Did she get those in the toy department at Target?” I mean they looked like those jewels that come in little girl dress up sets. While we are on the Morose Morticia’s Dress Stealing Angie why can’t she wear something pretty and light instead of looking like Elvira? Oh and tatoos and evening gowns are just ick!
    Yeah I think bitter may be contagious.

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  5. Ha ha ha, ho ho ho, and a couple of tra la la’s…Oh We Loathe The Old One…I can totally see a flying monkey plant itself on The Wicked Angelina’s skrawny lap.
    ‘cept my mind keeps going to that poor monkey that got shot this week for tearing into that woman. Not good.

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  6. I was just happy that John Mayer decided to clean himself up and look nice as Jennifer’s arm candy.
    Your description of Angie the Homewrecker reminds me of Victoria Posh Spice Beckham. That bitch couldn’t crack a smile if the earth opened up and swallowed Paris Hilton. I swear, you have a hot husband, three adorable boys and a gazillion dollars. Can’t you at least pretend to be happy?
    And yes, tattoos with evening wear are the epitome of class. Plus she was married to Billy Bob Thornton. AND kissed her brother with tongue. Eww.

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  7. So June, between Angelina and Jennifer, who do you prefer? I really couldn’t tell because you just weren’t specific enough. I like Angelina but, i also love Jennifer, the perfect girlfriend or wife. Gwyneth does kind of bug me though. Naming her child, Apple is just too wierd. Are the names of her future children going to be Banana, Pear, Cantalope and Kiwi? You just know she adopts a British accent when she hangs out with her favorite gal pal Madge(Madonna).

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  8. I thought I was the only one noticed Angie did not smile. She looked, (and this is what I was thinking while giving her the once over), like she and Brad had a huge fight, and she just wanted to get it all over with. Do you think she was mad because she caught Brad and the ex-wife in a torrid embrace, and this is why her hair was a bit mussed?

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  9. I think it was Michael Douglas who commented that he couldn’t understand why Brad Pitt would leave that beautiful woman to go and carry orphans for Angelina. Amen to that.
    June, this post was just what I needed. Hilarity. Thanks.

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  10. June,
    If you ever have an Oscar party, PLEASE invite me. I’m not too terribly far from G’boro. (I used to live there, btw, and I can confirm that Greensboroians have no movie theatre decorum skills.)
    I live for Oscar night. And I always end up drinking too much wine and watching it alone.
    I miss the train wreck otherwise known as Joan and Melissa. Where did they go?
    I didn’t watch Joey and Lisa. Instead I watched Ryan Secrest and Guiliana and that crazy, overly spray-tanned, white/blonde-haired “man” who is like a gay John Madden with his Glamastrator…drawing digitized chalk lines all over people’s gowns and hair.
    And did you hear what Miley Cyrus said? That Angelina is her greatest idol and hero of all time! (Or something like that.) It’s not enough that Ang steals husbands and looks mean, she also has evil super-powers over our youth.
    Sad, scary stuff.

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  11. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh yes, I do love you. It is true, every word. I think Jen should just bitch slap her. Just once, in public, a really good sharp one right in the overly-pillowy kisser. That will live on in infamy.
    P.S. Angie does not have a “family”, she has a more multi-culteral and rather posh “orphanage”. Why does she even adopt all these kids? So her nannies can raise them? How is that any better than the orphanage workers raising them?
    I think I shall never understand.

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  12. I agree!! I know I shouldn’t care about the lives of celebrities, but dang it, I do. And I hate how Jennifer is getting all the flack in the press for being some sort of baby-wanting, pathetic loser. How about some blame for Saint Angie and Saint Brad, you know, the ones CHEATING on his wife. Ugh. And I thought it was hilarious that he chastised Jennifer for calling Angelina “uncool”. Omg. I would have been shouting the “c” word from the rooftops if it happened to me, believe me, “uncool” would be the least of his worries, lol.

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  13. I feel so much better! I think Jennifer can do so much better than Brad. I have always thought that he looks like he has body odor. Ick.
    The mental image of Jennifer jumping on Angelina like you described is priceless. 🙂 Thanks!
    By the way, I’ve been counting how long it takes to get my hair wet each day when I take a shower and finally decided to use the second hand on my watch. I know you posted about this a bazillion days ago (it’s been plaguing me ever since), and I’m posting it here, where it does not belong. Sorry. I’m way too lazy to go look for that post.
    It takes 10 seconds to get my hair wet – if I use my hands. Without hands – just water – 15-20 seconds. My hair is naturally curly, just below my shoulders and takes FOREVER to get wet, it seems, if I just stand there and wait for the water to get all the way through it.

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  14. Thank you.
    I am so tired of everyone saying how pretty she is, all the humanitarian efforts she makes (how about a few in your own country, eh?)
    Nobody needs a 60 million dollar house. Ever. And she is so homely.

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  15. I don’t like Angelina either. In fact, I think the press are the only people that do. Every normal person (not that there aren’t normal press people) I have ever talked to about it can’t stand her. What hole in her heart is she trying to fill with all these children?

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  16. I thought natalie portman looked pretty in that pink dress. she never seems to wear soft girly colors.
    and what about the ever-androgynous tilda swinton? that lady really baffles me.

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  17. Hello? Wearing a vial of blood? It doesn’t get any creepier than that. Except for kissing your brother, with tongue.
    Why Delilah? I love Brad Pitt! I never was angry with Jen when she was with him because I just felt like “good for you Jen! You go!” Not even when he filled her dressing room with roses and spelled out “I Love My Wife” in rose petals on the wall. Angelina is a whooore.

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  18. The only thing good about the wicked witch Angelina is her lips which I truly envy. But other than that, she is a tramp and never smiles and tatoos with evening gowns shows how unclassy she really is.
    Jennifer, on the other hand, is precious. But I think she could do much better than that ugly guy she is dating?
    What about that HUNK Hugh Jackman? OMG, is he gorgeous or what????

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  19. I love that they flashed to Angelina each time Jen told a joke. Dramaz. And Lisa? I’m pretty sure she’s getting ready to fill in as one of the crumbling Easter Island statues.

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  20. Ok, I get everything except the Jennifer hair thing. I had to youtube it because I didn’t (gasp) watch the Oscars. We watched Winnie the Pooh instead because our children dictate our before 8:30 programming.
    I thought it looked pretty. What did I miss?
    She has way better hair than mine. Mine always looks like a tangled mess even right after I brush it.

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  21. Geez just attack my favorite beautiful person in the world why don’t ya?? I can take a lot of things but dissin’ on Miss Jolie is not one of them. Your blog is going to have to sit in the corner of my mind and think about what it’s done. At least until I clear out some more from Google Reader and come across the next entry. Just don’t be so mean to people you don’t know!

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