Clean freak

Well, I spent all weekend cleaning this abode and you can't tell. Perhaps the only difference is there's less cat pee, which is always a plus. But between Marvin and Tallulah vexing me at every turn, one wonders why I even try to be tidy.

I was on my knees scrubbing the kitchen floor at one point, which gave me a clear view of Marvin pulling down the attic steps in the hallway. He didn't climb the steps, though, no. Whatever he was putting up there could be THROWN into the attic, don't you know, because Marvin is a busy executive and can't be bothered with niceties like climbing the attic steps. So he tosses whatever he was tossing–counterfeit bills, the Obama children, maracas, I really didn't see–and whatever he tossed HIT a can of paint, which came crashing down OUT of the attic, splattering onto the floor, top down. I watched as Marvin stood motionless as gray paint spewed down our hallway, creeping across the hardwood floor.

Have you ever been in hysterics while wanting to snap someone's neck at the same time? I rushed over there to clean it up as the cats AND dog similarly came over to investigate, and for the rest of the day I kept finding gray paw prints in various places in the house.

Plus, it was in the high 70s here all weekend. And yes, I do recall that we got six inches of snow last Sunday. I do not know what to tell you about the South. It is moody here. Anyway, we kept the back door open, and when Marvin was not splattering paint on the floor he was digging a garden, a thing Tallulah was helping with, so she kept digging in the garden and then running into the house, getting red dirt on all the floors I just cleaned.

Sometimes I think I understand people who live alone, with no pets.

But thank you all for your cleaning tips. I did use that geranium cleaning stuff you all said to use that I can't remember the name of because I'm on Topamax, and I also used the vinegar and water on the hardwood, without any of the uncouth suggestions my mother made about it. I did 9,584,021 loads of laundry and I'm STILL not caught up, and I have yet to clean the couch with upholstery cleaner because I also rented season 5 of The L Word and I have my priorities.

Ironically, my ex-cleaning lady from LA called me while I was in the middle of doing all this. She just called to shoot the breeze. I told her what I was doing and she laughed and laughed. "I'll bet you miss me now, meja!" she said. She used to clean five or six houses a day. Can you imagine cleaning five or six houses a day? I'm half dead after doing one.

Alicecarol 

You know what I need? I need Alice, the live-in maid, like they had on The Brady Bunch. Someone who cheerfully goes about her duties 24 hours a day, while wearing white Keds and nude hose. I could just look tan and happy in my shag. Why did they need Alice, anyway? What did Carol Brady do all day? What a scammer.

All right, I am going to bed, in my sort-of-clean house. Clean other than the paint in the hall and the dirt on the floors. And the Obama children in the attic.

28 thoughts on “Clean freak

  1. “I do not know what to tell you about the South. It is moody here.”
    This might be the funniest truth I’ve read in a while…esp to a southern girl!

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  2. I want to wring Marvin and Tallulah’s necks for you. The paint spreading across the wood floor and the dog trailing in dirt on your clean floors made grip my fists in rage. At that point why did you not hog- tie both of them and throw them into the attic with the Obama children? And how many secret service spies are reading this blog now to see if there is a serious threat against the Obama children?

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  3. Holy Macaroni, if Marvin had pulled that kind of paint shenanigans in my house he would be ten types of dead.
    The fact you are able to write this blog and not currently incarcerated for spouseicide really speaks for your self control. Either that, or you used your one phone call to dictate the blog to a kindly friend on the outside. That’s dedication!
    I do feel your pain though, I live with a messy husband, two dogs that play in a muddy backyard, and a baby. Babies are generally 10 times messier than husbands, but at least they don’t throw things at paint cans…

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  4. And for the life of me, I can’t recall what the L in The L Word stands for. There, oops, it almost came to mind, it was on the tip of my tongue……lost it……… and now I can’t quite put my finger on it.

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  5. Today is a sad day for me. I just found Bye Bye Buy while on vacation in January, read every little word of it, then read every little word of Bye Bye Pie… Now I’m caught up! No more can I sit down with my laptop and read a month’s worth of June. This is going to be a difficult adjustment…
    Love your blog!

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  6. I also had a big cleaning weekend. I mopped the floors Saturday night and Sunday morning I wake up to my 3 year old telling me, “I pooped but it wasn’t in the toilet, but it’s okay, I cleaned it up.” She did a good job, considering, but ew. I won’t go into details about grout and whatnot.

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  7. Stoopin?
    Please tell me that Marvin helped clean up that mess. If he just let you do it while you fumed and laughed, then I am going to have to frown every time I read his name until the end of time. I’m sure he does not want this to happen.
    I do believe you will be under surveillance now. Could you not have put someone else in the attic? Someone who might be less of a threat to the future of your Pie? Someone who plays no role in the delicate dance of the current American drama? Like Amy Carter? Or Jarrod from the Subway commercials? Or Joe Biden?

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  8. Talking with a friend yesterday, we were lamenting on what a messy time of year it is, what with your snow storms, rain storms, then the 60 degree days thrown in making mud and muck of the soggy ground.
    See, I have TWO dogs. Both long-haired, one 90 lbs and one 80 lbs ANNNNND I have a short-haired 180 lb husband who is messier than any 30 pigs you could imagine! He, I believe, was the inspiration for the Peanuts’ character, Pigpen, who had the clouds of dust and dirt flying around him at all times.
    You wanna see dirt and hair and yuck? Stop on by my house.
    So, anyway, my friend said why do you even bother cleaning right now? And, I thought that was the smartest thing I’d ever heard.
    I say that March is officially The Month O’ Dirt. No cleaning allowed.
    What do you think?

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  9. Oh, and bell, if I can help with the “Stoopin'” question?
    I believe it is spelled “Schtoopin'” and it means, well…YOU know…boinking.

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  10. Oh my gosh! I would have killed him! Did you get all the paint up off those beautiful hardwood floors? Then I would have killed the d.o.g.!
    The saying here in the south is, if you don’t like the weather, just hang around three days and it will change. Can you believe last Sunday it was SNOWING and yesterday it was 75 degrees in Atlanta!
    My best friend works for the SS, so does her son and my cousin. Would you like for me to forward this post to her? LOL! Do you need some excitement in your neighborhood? ROFL! I bet the neighbors would just love you.

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  11. My first thought was immediatley to think that thsi fabulous blog is going to eb shut down b/c of the threats made against the Obama children. Why couldn’t you have threatened to kidnap the Bush twins?
    And Marvin. What the frisket?! Throwing something into the attic? Sigh. Men.

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  12. Well, so I guess I can no longer blame my not-so-clean house on my children. Except that I think your pets and Marvin qualify as children on your cleaning day.

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  13. You know, once the government did look at this blog. I mean, they may have looked other times, but the one time I saw them for sure was the time I said, “I hate my bulbous, Bill Clinton nose.” Maybe the words “hate” and “Bill Clinton” in the same sentence tipped them off? Anyway, I noticed they came back several times after that, and I always wondered if it was to see if I was a threat, or if they just liked my blog.

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  14. Maybe you should have mentioned a bomb and the O children (I don’t want them coming after ME) to get more special attention.
    Krud Kutter gets paint off if you haven’t been able to remove it all. It’s at Home Depot or Lowe’s, whichever is your I Hate Do It Yourself Home Improvement store of choice. I would have killed Marvin. With a bomb. You should have put the O children to work.

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  15. Seriously, paint!? I would have killed my husband dead, dead, dead.
    Also, at least you don’t live in New England, where it was nearly 60 degrees and sunny all weekend (open windows! no coat!) and today it is snowing…AGAIN.
    There’s a layer of mud under the new layer of snow that the dog revels in. My hardwood floors will never be the same. But at least they don’t have paint on them!

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  16. Have you ever been in hysterics while wanting to snap someone’s neck at the same time?
    Oh yes. Time and time again. I have three and a half children, remember? (The half is my husband, so don’t ask if I’m pregnant.)

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  17. The SS came to my house once during the Clinton era.My family was not the least bit surprised.Oh, and I thought Sam was h*o*t, what with those big ol’ slabs of meat and always giving Alice a discount,too.

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  18. In my house I’d be all, “Hey, could you spill more of that paint on the kitchen walls?” That’s the only way I’m ever going to get rid of Granny’s mauve and teal flower print wallpaper. I think you should wash and dry all of your laundry and then pile it on your couch to fold as you watch “The L word”. That way you can look super busy and not at all like you’re doing something fun and recreational. But, then for me sitting still and folding laundry is recreational. Must get life and New Kitchen.

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  19. “Sometimes I think I understand people who live alone, with no pets.” Oh yeah, I’m sitting here in cleaned home which will say cleaned until I decide to mess it up again…ahhh.

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  20. “Have you ever been in hysterics while wanting to snap someone’s neck at the same time?” Yes, June, EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE.
    NO pictures of gray paint making its way across your floor???
    And seriously… what Paula FDNY said!

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