Well, I spent all weekend cleaning this abode and you can't tell. Perhaps the only difference is there's less cat pee, which is always a plus. But between Marvin and Tallulah vexing me at every turn, one wonders why I even try to be tidy.
I was on my knees scrubbing the kitchen floor at one point, which gave me a clear view of Marvin pulling down the attic steps in the hallway. He didn't climb the steps, though, no. Whatever he was putting up there could be THROWN into the attic, don't you know, because Marvin is a busy executive and can't be bothered with niceties like climbing the attic steps. So he tosses whatever he was tossing–counterfeit bills, the Obama children, maracas, I really didn't see–and whatever he tossed HIT a can of paint, which came crashing down OUT of the attic, splattering onto the floor, top down. I watched as Marvin stood motionless as gray paint spewed down our hallway, creeping across the hardwood floor.
Have you ever been in hysterics while wanting to snap someone's neck at the same time? I rushed over there to clean it up as the cats AND dog similarly came over to investigate, and for the rest of the day I kept finding gray paw prints in various places in the house.
Plus, it was in the high 70s here all weekend. And yes, I do recall that we got six inches of snow last Sunday. I do not know what to tell you about the South. It is moody here. Anyway, we kept the back door open, and when Marvin was not splattering paint on the floor he was digging a garden, a thing Tallulah was helping with, so she kept digging in the garden and then running into the house, getting red dirt on all the floors I just cleaned.
Sometimes I think I understand people who live alone, with no pets.
But thank you all for your cleaning tips. I did use that geranium cleaning stuff you all said to use that I can't remember the name of because I'm on Topamax, and I also used the vinegar and water on the hardwood, without any of the uncouth suggestions my mother made about it. I did 9,584,021 loads of laundry and I'm STILL not caught up, and I have yet to clean the couch with upholstery cleaner because I also rented season 5 of The L Word and I have my priorities.
Ironically, my ex-cleaning lady from LA called me while I was in the middle of doing all this. She just called to shoot the breeze. I told her what I was doing and she laughed and laughed. "I'll bet you miss me now, meja!" she said. She used to clean five or six houses a day. Can you imagine cleaning five or six houses a day? I'm half dead after doing one.
You know what I need? I need Alice, the live-in maid, like they had on The Brady Bunch. Someone who cheerfully goes about her duties 24 hours a day, while wearing white Keds and nude hose. I could just look tan and happy in my shag. Why did they need Alice, anyway? What did Carol Brady do all day? What a scammer.
All right, I am going to bed, in my sort-of-clean house. Clean other than the paint in the hall and the dirt on the floors. And the Obama children in the attic.