Didn’t Rhoda marry her personal trainer?

I am late posting tonight, because Tallulah's personal trainer was over. Yes, my dog has a personal trainer. Because apparently you can take us out of LA…

Lulalittle 

I know I mentioned this before, but my dog, who spends nine hours a day at dog day care playing with other dogs, gets totally insane once she's on her leash or sees a dog passing by when she's here in her own house. You had all given me some tips about distracting her, and I tried to do so, but it is like trying to distract Amy Winehouse from a good bottle of heroin. I have no idea if heroin comes in a bottle. Also, must I always pick Amy Winehouse for my examples?

Okay, how about, it's like trying to distract that octomom from a good insemination. No, too overdone. It's like trying to distract Katy Perry from a banana outfit. There we go. Really, Katy Perry is my new person who bugs me.

So, the personal trainer came over with her two unbelievably trained dogs. Mother of pearl, you have never seen two good soldiers like these dogs. She said, "My dogs are out in the van, let's see how Tallulah reacts." She opens her van, gets this German shepherd out with no leash, tells him to lie down, and even though my dog is leaping and snarling and coughing and expelling gas and writing her congressman over there 15 inches away, the German shepherd just laid in our driveway like he was ready to smoke a big fattie after his relaxation massage.

The trainer came to the conclusion that Tallulah is not really being aggressive (she reached this conclusion when she let the Von Trapp children come over to Lula, and it turns out Lula just wanted to sniff them rudely and not bite them at all, despite all the barky Exorcist swear words coming out of her 10 seconds previous), but that she is kind of a fearful dog who does not see Marvin and me as her leaders in the slightest.

This cheeses me off. I have done everything Cesar Milan told me to do to establish that I am the leader. I go out doors first, I eat first, I make her salute me every morning and wear an I Worship June collar. I mean, come on! I am so trying to be the leader, here! But apparently she thinks she is the leader.

Fortunately, dog trainer says she thinks she can fix my dog in three sessions. Next week we have to do this whole thingamajig with beef liver. Don't ask.

In the meantime, I am going to act leaderly around that dog. She is going to start calling me "sir" and I am thinking she needs a big framed portrait of me over her dish. Maybe a little June tattoo on her withers.

Winvote    

Oh, and one more thing. The entire time we were outside, with two enormous strange dogs and insane Tallulah in the driveway? Winston stood on top of the trainer's van surveying the whole scene. Don't you think if you were a cat you'd want to be as far away from all the dogs as possible, not on top of a van, six inches from everyone?

I think we know who the real leader is.

29 thoughts on “Didn’t Rhoda marry her personal trainer?

  1. Go Winston, cats rule! You want some real *interesting* treats? I can get you some from the alternative pet food store… tripe, hearts, necks, trachea (lamb or beef!), rabbit (frozen or fresh ears [with fur…]), etc. And then we also have dried sweet potatoes, bananas & blueberries, PB/granola/cranberry treats (they’re ok, but a little dry for people, yes.. I tried them!), etc! 🙂

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  2. Yeah i agree with the comment above .. CATS RULE!!!! I think Winston is great .. and cute as well. :o)
    Oh yeah .. and also .. Marvin looks like that Fred Savage kid on The wonder Years sitting there playing his guitar.

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  3. Oh June! Today I was driving through the vineyards and Cline Vineyard had the local “Wooley Weeders” working (the sheep and…wait for it…baby lambs!) I wanted to pull the car over and kiss them all…
    Then I thought about explaining myself to local law enforcement and blaming you…

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  4. Ooooh, I detest Katy Perry, because she’s all ‘Look at me! I wear wierd outfits to red carpet events!’ and ‘Look at me! I popped out of a banana wearing not-at-all suggestive melons on my melons’ and ‘Look at me! I kissed a girl and I liked it!’ Grrr.

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  5. Owning cats will make you lose all leadership qualities. My boyfriend’s dog will lisen to me when my bf’s there but otherwise does as he says. There’s no point pretending to be bossy by saying “no! get off the sofa unless I invite you on it!” to the dog when he then sees me push my cat off the kitchen counter, it jumps straight back up, I push it off, it jumps straight back up…

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  6. haha Kitty Purry, I love it.
    I am pretty much convinced German Shepherd dogs are geniuses. I have never ever had a dog that will stay with me without being on a leash. I thought owners who had dogs that would just chill in the yard with them were some kind of dog sensei, but with almost no effort on our part Cortana always stays with us. I haven’t done the dog IQ tests yet. Gotta do that.

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  7. A personal trainer? Is Lula getting in shape for the next Miss America pageant? Could fitting Winston’s entire head in her mouth be considered a talent?
    p.s. I have a German Shepherd that acts nothing like the Von Trapps but she is on “patrol” duty constantly.

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  8. Oh, Winston. I really adore that nosy cat. I was in a fit of giggles when I read the story about how Tallulah stormed off when you dropped her leash (it’s obvious you’re the boss), and Winston had been following you looking for Tallulah. Oh gosh, and Marvin cussing on the neighbor’s lawn and you getting a “you’re insane” therapist voice on him to calm him down- yeah, that story.

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  9. Oh, Winston. I really adore that nosy cat. I was in a fit of giggles when I read the story about how Tallulah stormed off when you dropped her leash (it’s obvious you’re the boss), and Winston had been following you looking for Tallulah. Oh gosh, and Marvin cussing on the neighbor’s lawn and you getting a “you’re insane” therapist voice on him to calm him down- yeah, that story.

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  10. Oh, Winston. I really adore that nosy cat. I was in a fit of giggles when I read the story about how Tallulah stormed off when you dropped her leash (it’s obvious you’re the boss), and Winston had been following you looking for Tallulah. Oh gosh, and Marvin cussing on the neighbor’s lawn and you getting a “you’re insane” therapist voice on him to calm him down- yeah, that story.

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  11. my dog just stares at me when I bring out my inner Cesar. I think my issue is an Oprah thing, my dog doesn’t listen to me because I don’t feel he should, or something I don’t really pay attention.

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  12. Maybe Lula thinks she is a CAT!
    That would explain her treating you and Marv as her underling. So, once Lula is trained, will the therapist help you train the cats to respect you as well?
    This I gotta hear.

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  13. Of course cats rule, they are superior beings. Just ask them! Dogs have owners, cats have staffs. That is so true, we are constantly doing something for our cat–Oscar Snuggles, King of Tidewater.
    Funny, funny post. I loved it. I have to agree with Jessica, the post she referenced is one of my favorites.
    You are forcing me to google Katy Perry. LOL BTW, are you following American Idol?

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