It is rainy today in Greensboro. Can you tell? Someone at work asked if I was doing my General Custer impression. Everyone's a comedian. I told him I was from Little Big Hair.
So, above is my hair.
Below is Phil Spector's hair.
Really, is there that big of a difference?
Let's untangle ourselves from the tress talk before you upbraid me for not getting right to all the Ask Junes that you asked me today. If you did not tune in earlier, I have a Very Special Ask June today. I had people write in today with their Qs, and I am answering them today. None of that going back to my December 18 post and getting old, stale questions. No, sir.
Lee asks, "If you were on death row, about to be executed, what would your last meal be?"
I wonder what my crime was. Did I murder Marvin? Was it a hair crime? Wow, I just looked at Phil Spector's buttons. My 11th-grade picture called. Wants its pearlescent look back.
I think I'd be too nervous to eat, but let's say I made peace with my inevitable fatal injection or hanging or whatever. Then I'd get me some barbecue spare ribs (and yes, I know a pig has the intelligence of a three-year-old human. I am about to go to the electric chair for knocking off Marvin. You think I have a conscience?), some dressing (which doesn't go with ribs, but see above re electric chair. Sue me), some chocolate-covered strawberries, several giant glasses of chardonnay and my grandmother's mashed potatoes and gravy. And some au gratin potatoes too. Why should I care about carbs?
Gladys queries, "Have you ever sold multi-level marketing products, such as Tupperware or Amway? Because I can just imagine your presentation."
Do you think Gladys thinks my presentation would be dull? I have often thought I'd like to sell Mary Kay, Gladys. First of all, they were one of the first companies to stop animal testing. Second, if I had a pink car I'd never be sad again. Ninety-eighth, makeup! Hello. And I think I would enjoy the whole getting-up-to-entertain-the-crowd thing. Do you think I should go for it? Maybe I could get a Mary Kay hairdo.
Patty wonders, "What do you think happened to Miss Doxie? I Googled her after you referenced her in one of your posts a while back, and she was so funny that I went back and read every single one of her old posts (like I did with yours). But then she left me hanging."
For those of you who don't read her, Miss Doxie was just the bomb. She was so ding-dang funny that you had to stop reading or else you'd barf. Also, she was a lawyer and really beautiful. It kind of baffled how one person could have all that going on. She blogged for several years and won all kinds of awards, and then her posts got further and further apart. Like, seven months apart. Last time she posted was October 29. I think she just got over it, Patty. And she has a new boyfriend, and I imagine being a, you know, attorney, is time consuming. I miss her.
Carpoolqueen requests, "I want to know what the inside of your fridge looks like. Think you can post a pic?"
Carpoolqueen told me that she feels pressure to make witty comments on my blog. Remember in Grease when Olivia Newton-John invited John Travolta for tea and he said he didn't like tea? And she said, "You don't have to drink tea." You don't have to be witty to comment here. I just like comments. I like validation, so I know I'm not typing into a void. If you ever just want to let me know you're out there, I you can do what I told Carpoolqueen. Say, "What a lovely post." Then I'll know you're saying "Gee, this was a good one. I have nothing pithy to say beyond that, but thanks for posting."
Anyway, here's the fridge:
It's really depressing to look at a photograph of your refrigerator. Plus, it annoys me that there are apples on the top shelf and the bottom shelf. The syrup is in the fridge because Marvin can't remember that we don't live in LA anymore and that the syrup won't be covered in 49,000,000 ants if he leaves it in the cupboard. Same with that tub o' sugar.
Oh, and for extra Faithful Reader points, where did the mayonnaise come from? The first reader to get it right gets a special Ask June gift.
Jan asks, "How did the ever-romantic Mr. Gardens propose?"
On a Ferris wheel at the Santa Monica pier. And I have always thought that had I said no, it'd have been a really awkward rest of the ride.
Kerrin ponders, "We all know your love for animals knows no bounds. If you could have any animal in the world as a domestic, legal pet — any crazy animal you wanted — what would it be?"
My first thought was leopard, as long as it didn't bite my neck out. And my second thought was pink flamingo. Can I have both? Oh, how I would kiss them.
Bell rang me up and asked, "What's your all time favorite salad dressing?"
I told Bell I actually had an answer for her on this. For those of you from the Midwest, remember Hudson's? It was a department store. I think it became Macy's, which is a shame because I abhor Macy's. Anyway, at Hudson's they had this salad with this orange salad dressing that I still crave. I remember the salad itself had almonds. Oh that was a good salad. I have never seen that orange salad dressing anywhere else. Certainly not at any stupid Macy's.
Nose in a book looked up long enough to ask, "In honour of Friday 13th: are you at all superstitious? In what ways?"
Nose and your book, I am afraid of everything. I am the most fearful person you have ever met. So today made me a little tense, but really every day makes me tense. I never walk under ladders and I always toss salt over my shoulder if I spill any. I figure, why take any chances? Of course, since I have a black cat, one crosses–and pees on–my path every day. So I guess I'm doomed.
Meme wrongly assumes, "With a name like June Gardens, I bet you are a master gardener. What will you be planting in your garden this year?"
Oh, Meme. When I go to the gardening section at the store, you can see all the plants trying to hide. All the mom plants sheltering their young. At the plant post office there is a Most Wanted picture with my nice image on it. But Marvin planted a garden. It has peas, carrots, lettuce, and radishes. We are hoping to attract bunnies, apparently.
Master Instructor Susan Harris asks, "What is the correct use of terms like bimonthly and semimonthly? I often hear people use bimonthly to mean two times per month and that doesn't seem right."
MISH, when you look in my good pal Merriam-Webster, the first definition is every two months. Then the second definition is twice a month, or semimonthly. What can I tell you?
Jan, who already asked a question but apparently thought of another one, asks, "Did you ever run away from home? Or think about it when the hippiness got to be too much?"
Yes. I remember being really pissed off about something. Who knows what, as I was like seven. I got my suitcase and told my parents I was leaving. I remember they were sitting on the couch listening to records and seemed really unconcerned. My father told me to take bottles with me, because I could take them to the store for deposit money. Even at my tender age I knew he was being sarcastic. I took my suitcase and huffed down the street.
I got to the next block and rethought things. I had a Freakies Cereal habit that was being enabled nicely back at that house. So I returned.
Jenene wonders, "I don't live in Seattle, but I live close to it. Since you actually lived there once upon a time, what did you like about it? What didn't you like about it? (Besides the rain, obviously)."
Oh, I liked everything about Seattle except that ding-dang weather. It was 63 and rainy whether it was January or July. And also too? I hope I don't make anyone mad. But Seattle people are absolutely convinced there is nowhere better to live than Seattle. That got annoying sometimes. Like, you know, Vermont is pretty too. There was this whole "We've figured it out" thing that kind of bugged me. You're wearing long underwear on the 4th of July. You haven't completely figured it out.
That said, oh! The flowers were to die for, and there was so much to do, and the people were creative and funny. There was one restaurant that had tons of Jello molds all over the front of it. And the first neighborhood I lived in had dance steps permanently embedded in the sidewalk. They were these gold footsteps, and they showed you how to do the cha-cha, or the rumba. And you'd see people on the sidewalk following the footsteps, doing the dances.
And anywhere that you can constantly see the water and mountains is never bad. I would never have left Seattle had I not married Marvin.
Carrie queries, "June-ay – What is your most outrageous outfit that you currently wear?"
Okay, who loves Carrie for calling me June-ay? And Carrie-ee, I tell you, I used to dress to call attention to myself. My mother, who is a therapist, used to watch me walk out the door and say, "Honey, you look disturbed." Okay, she just didn't know from '80s fashion. But Carrie-ee, I got old and kind of fat, and all I wanted to do was wear something that didn't call attention to my bowling-ball waist. Now I wear jeans and turtlenecks or turtlenecks and black pants every day. I am boring. But when you're 43 and look disturbed it's not as cute as when you're 23 and look disturbed.
M wonders, "Have you ever mooned anyone? Why and when?"
Heavenly days, no. But I did pose nude once. My friend was getting his master's in photography and he needed a male and a female for his portfolio. You know what everyone should go out and do? Go out and have a really skilled photographer take your naked photo when you're 22. Because it's all downhill from there. I'm really glad I did it. So I guess technically I mooned the Chicago Art Institute and the Rhode Island School of Design.
Those are all the Ask Junes for today. This took like an hour, and I want you to know that for some reason, Marvin was listening to Duran Duran's Rio the ENTIRE TIME I wrote this. He is (sit down) watching a documentary on them and he kept starting and stopping the Rio part.
Perhaps we have circled back to my last meal, eh?