I am berserk · June's stupid life

Since you are telling your embarassing tales…

I will tell mine. Because I still have nothing to do, here.

Okay. It was summer and I was about 15, at my father's condo in Dallas. There was a pool in the middle of all the condos, and when I went out there one day there were two teenage boys hanging out there from another condo.

What a gold mine for yours truly, over here.

All afternoon, I posed on my lawn chair, lying on my back, then flipping to my stomach, making sure I got evenly tan. Sometimes I'd saunter to the pool and dangle my feet in, talking to them over my shoulder in my coy way.

Finally it was too dang hot, so I said, "I'd better go in! *giggle!* See you guys later!"

I slowly made my way into my dad's condo, taking my time so they could check out the cuteness that was June strolling in her one-piece. As soon as I got inside I stampeded to a full-length mirror so I could see how good I looked, and you know what I saw?

I saw that my maxi pad had slid up to the middle of my back. That's what I saw.

42 thoughts on “Since you are telling your embarassing tales…

  1. I can’t beat the waterslide story, but nonetheless I will share.
    I was doing a play at our community theater, and since Sunday matinees are slow we had donated tickets to the local special needs assisted-living facility.
    I’m on the stage, alone, in the spotlight. The play calls for me to pull down the shoulders of my elastic-topped dress, huffily.
    I do this, and when I look down, no doubt feeling a slight breeze, I see that the dress has grabbed my undershirt and the whole shebang has dropped down well below my now completely-exposed, spotlighted bosoms.
    Banner day for the fellows from the assisted living facility, I must tell you.

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  2. Oh the lives we lead! Such things should never happen to good people, but then again, these may be that spices of life that people speak about, right??
    KW, I never knew such a thing could happen but now I will steer clear of all water slides. Thanks for sharing.

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  3. when i was 12, a friend asked if feminine protecion worked in the water. being a tampax girl, i told her yes. later, she came up the ladder with half the pool water absorbed into her kotex. it squished when she sat down and she left a puddle of pinkish water under her chair. we never poke again.

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  4. I am amazed that no one has asked, “Why in the world did you have a pad on WITH YOUR SWIMSUIT??!!? That is great.
    My story: I was a bridesmaid at my brother’s wedding and after about an hour of standing, I fainted. Straight back like a tree. This was a huge wedding and not only did I faint but I took out a tall column that had a silver candleabra with flowers on it. I had wax all over my face and dress. If that wasn’t bad enough, the video guy had the whole thing playing on a tv at the reception!

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  5. I seriously cannot think of anything to say but EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
    I realize I don’t have any stories even CLOSE to this! Thank GOD!!!!

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  6. KW,
    You beat all of us. If you do not feel threatened, email me your address. I would love to send you a special June prize.

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  7. I think I was a sophomore in high school and wasn’t feeling good all of a sudden one day. I jumped up and ran outside of the classroom where there was a huge trashcan. I threw up into the trashcan while diarrhea exploded out the other end! I had to go to the office and call my mom to pick me up. I know everyone had to know what happened because, well – that stuff is not usually silent…

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  8. I just woke up my entire family! I cannot stop laughing, yet I feel so sorry for KW! That has got to be the best/worst embarrassing moment EVER! We were thinking about taking the kids to a water park for Spring Break. I’m glad that didn’t work out.

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  9. I think I have you all beat! I rarely speak of this, but I can’t resist.
    Several years ago I went to a water park with my boyfriend. We hadn’t been dating
    very long, and I was a little self conscious
    about the no makeup, drenched look, but I thought what the heck, it will be fun.
    Well, we walked up the many steps to a huge water slide, and plunked down on opposite sides. Away we went…fast as hell down the slide. All of a sudden I felt like a giant knife was cutting my anus and all my innerds. I thought I had landed on a switch blade or something and there was nothing I could do but continue the fast swoosh down the slide. When I finally came to the end I was scared to stand up because I just knew
    my rectum would be hanging down to my knees.
    My boyfriend stood up and was grinning from ear to ear not knowing what I had just experienced. I forced myself to stand and
    felt my suit fill with tiny turds! The rush
    of the water slide had acted as an enima!!
    I was mortified as I walk-ran to the bathroom while little Easter Bunny droppings
    fell to the ground! He didn’t mention it so
    I assumed that somehow I had escaped him
    noticing. Wrong! He told me later he saw it
    but didn’t know what the heck to say! Years
    later we got married, and every Easter he brings it up!

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  10. Oh, ok. Here where I live we have these really nice recreation centers with weight areas, pools, the works.
    When I first moved here I dressed in my cool sweats, and my cool cap and took my bad self to the gym to workout. As usual, I was the only woman in the weight area, but I ignored everyone and did my thing.
    After my workout I went back to the locker room to grab my gym bag. Well, I strutted straight into the men’s locker room by accident, and right into the middle of the same group of men who where just in the weight room, except none of them had a stitch on. Full frontals, all of them.
    I have not been back to that rec center, EVER.

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  11. That’s great.
    I was just hugely embarrassed a few weeks ago. There have been several new Super Wal-Marts built in our area in the past 18 months. They are exactly the same but some of the stores layouts are reversed from the one I normally shop at. As per usual, I needed to piddle and entered the women’s restroom. There stood a man using the urinal. It was only after I entered the stall did I comprhend what that meant. I stood there flummoxed. Should I pee and the get the hell out of there or should I just get the hell out of there??? I chose the latter and walked out of the bathroom amid the laughter of the gentleman at the urinal.

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  12. Hey June,
    Could you tell the story about when you came to visit me in Colorado and you made the wish? That was really funny.

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  13. HOLY CRAP!!! SO SO SO FUNNY!!
    That reminds me of a time–that up until this moment I’d repressed– when I was a high school senior. A bunch of us girls were hanging out in the local ski resort hot tubs with boys vacationing there on spring break. I was cute as heck in my little bikini…. until I later realized that my tampon string had been hanging down my leg when I’d gotten out of the hot tub to go get my towel.

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  14. When I was a senior in college I had a crush on a guy in my literature class. During our final I let a giant fart rip. Of course it was very quiet because everyone was taking a test. It didn’t help that my best friend was next to me and started guffawing and making fun of me for it. Anyway, that cured my crush.

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  15. You owe me a new laptop. I just spewed my perfectly mixed cafe au-lait all over Big Bertha. Crap where is that damn Vince from Sham Wow when you need him?

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