I got my hair cut and colored at a new place today and I would show you but we let it air dry and it isn't quite dry yet so when I took a photo it looked whippoorwill-y and that is not how I want to represent my new hair to you. It's too bad I couldn't have run on more with that sentence.
But speaking of my personal appearance, remember Topamax? The lovely drug I have been taking for my migraines? You know how it made me all thin, but also kind of stupid? I went to the doctor to see about renewing my prescriptions and it went like this.
"So, how's the Topamax going, June?"
[Silence from me, because there was a shiny object out the window.]
"June? Is the Topamax working on your headaches? Any side effects?"
[After I realized the shiny object was a car bumper, I turned to look at the doctor and started picking nits out of his hair.]
"Um, June, have you noticed any trouble with your cognitive functioning with the Topamax?"
"My name is June Gardens. People call me June Gardens," I said.
Anyway, the doctor decided maybe I wasn't so bright on Topamax and maybe I shouldn't be taking it any more, and after the 18 minutes it took for that to sink in (his stethoscope was so SILVER!) I got so mad! I know I am stupid on this drug, but I have lost SO MUCH WEIGHT. It's so lovely to be thin! I don't have that shelf of water on my buttockal region when I emerge from the shower anymore! I no longer look like a marsupial! My size is in the single digits!
Oh, and my migraines have lessened, too. Whatev. The doctor said Topamax isn't the only drug in the world for eliminating migraines, and he just doesn't think this one is agreeing with my IQ. Then he made me take the doorknob out of my mouth.
My mother pointed out that I could maintain this weight by eating sensibly, to which I reply, "?" Eating sensibly. Where does she come up with the cockamamie ideas?
And I'd just like to add that all sorts of people in my real life said, "Oh, I am so glad to hear you are going off that thing. You just haven't been yourself." It's kind of like when you break up with someone and THEN you hear no one liked the guy. No one could have told me I was a numskull?
All Marvin said was, "Are you gonna get fat?" That Casanova.
I will sign off with the awarding of the Special of the Week, which goes to Grace for her comment about Henry's neutering. It's kind of a topical discussion, given the whole Jon and Kate thing swirling around. I have never even seen that show and I know that man is henpecked. So, go click on Special of the Week at right to see Grace's pithicism.
Anyway, my headachy, fat self will be back at you soon, so congratulations on that.
Our neighbor, Peg, bought this little toy for Henry, and could he be more obsessed with it? It's nice, though, because I have been afraid to buy him little mice or balls, lest they end up in Tallulah's gullet.
Since I was busy depressing myself with poor Farrah's special last night, let's bop over to Ask June, shall we?
Meme says, "Please explain global warming…
"Could everyone be wrong, and we are really heading into an ice age?
"What will Gore do then?
"Speaking of Gore, can you please, please, please explain these green credits I keep seeing on the back of my Sun Chips bag?
"Can we start a Green Credits company?
"If everything is covered in ice soon, shouldn't we really be starting some white credits? Blue credits? Help me, my head is spinning off it's (did you see that – it's) axis!!!!"
Meme has a lot to ask about global warming. All I can tell you, Meme, is I am haunted by that scene where the polar bear swims for its ice in An Inconvenient Truth. Also? I do not eat Sun Chips.
Elizabeth Joy queries, "I had always thought the correct way to write 'all right' was as two words, but my editor always changes it to one, 'alright.' This is for fiction, if it makes any difference, usually in dialog. Who is correct?"
Technically, the word "alright" is all wrong. Who loves herself right now for coming up with that little sentence? Is it June, here? Anyway, in real life, like if you were writing a cover letter or a letter to the editor or a ransom note, you really should go with "all right." "Alright" is kind of slang, so I can see why it'd be used in fiction.
Here's how to tell if something is acceptable or not. Look a word up in a real dictionary, such as my best friend Merriam Webster (m-w.com). (And not a fake dictionary such as dictionary.com.) If you look up a word like "alright," you'll know it's unacceptable because the definition will be "all right," or whatever the acceptable form if the word is. The dictionary will always steer you to the correct spelling of the word.
Isn't the dictionary wonderful? Have I ever told you I read the dictionary when I was 10? Have I ever told you there is something deeply wrong with me? Did that need to be said?
I must go now, as I am once again going to the farmer's market with the other June. Perhaps you wonder why we feel the need to attend the farmer's market every single weekend, and I guess it's time to tell you we are shopping for farmers. Because we are hoes. Get it? Oh, the hilarity over here at Ask June.
Before I go, I am going to tell you that Comment of the Week goes to Roxie's Mom, who make something funny out of my sloppy writing yesterday. Roxie's Mom has got it going on.