But look. Here’s Topel. The smoker’s tooth polish. What I like about my titles is they’re starting to make less and less sense.

So I was just in my closet, because who doesn't like to just stand around in their closet? What? Okay, I was putting away clothes, because with Marvin home for the summer it's like I have a little butler. It's like Mr. French is here. Did Mr. French do laundry? You never saw him lugging … Continue reading But look. Here’s Topel. The smoker’s tooth polish. What I like about my titles is they’re starting to make less and less sense.

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

Last night started out copacetic enough. We took Henry out for his routine viewing-of-the-fireflies part of the evening. He loves him some fireflies. They fascinate him. Our hair matches, doesn't it? He snaps his head this way and that, trying not to miss a single one. I tried to photograph the actual fireflies, but have … Continue reading The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

Saturday (horn) in the park (horn) I think we’d better get to Ask Junnne (horn horn horn horn)

We are mixing it up this week, having Ask June on Saturday instead of Friday. Ask June likes to keep things wild and unpredictable. I know your teeth are vibrating. Also plus, Ask June, her spouse, and her dog are headed to a state park today, so she has to kind of stampede through the … Continue reading Saturday (horn) in the park (horn) I think we’d better get to Ask Junnne (horn horn horn horn)

Do you wish I’d stop saying things like, “Help a sister out” given that I’m a middle-aged, chubby white woman?

Geez, it's been a depressing 24 hours, hasn't it? Farrah was bad enough, and now Michael Jackson? And you know I was psychic about it? Several of my family members who are faithful readers can verify this. I said, "Ed McMahon and Farrah. You know how these things come in threes. Maybe the next one … Continue reading Do you wish I’d stop saying things like, “Help a sister out” given that I’m a middle-aged, chubby white woman?

In which I invent the word “orificles.” What say you?

(I swear the floor does not need sweeping, it needs repainting. This floor vexes me.)I just got home from work and immediately went outside with Tallulah. Now that Marvin is not working all summer, Tallulah no longer spends her days at dog day care. When I get home she is dying dying dying to go … Continue reading In which I invent the word “orificles.” What say you?

Nectarines, ganja, Hee Haw, one-word answers

Seriously annoyed that my nectarines aren't ripe yet. I did the thing where I bought a bunch of ripe ones and practically ate them all before I got home from the store, and then I bought some unripe ones (that can't be the right word. Unripe. What is it? Did I ever tell you I … Continue reading Nectarines, ganja, Hee Haw, one-word answers

Really, I have nothing important to tell you. Go watch Match Game instead.

Who cracks herself up because she thought of Match Game? It was a game show that came on after school in the '70s and maybe the '80s, and it featured such luminaries as Charles Nelson Riley. And also Brett Sommers. Who as far as I know never did anything except be on Match Game. The … Continue reading Really, I have nothing important to tell you. Go watch Match Game instead.

Sit right back and you’ll hear the longest tale in the history of time

Do you ever get annoyed because you can't phone someone because they're dead? My current dilemma would be solved in a moment if I could just phone my grandmother. But not only would I have to go back to 2005 when she was still alive, I'd really have to go back to before she had … Continue reading Sit right back and you’ll hear the longest tale in the history of time

Hey, June, what’s shakin’? (Or, I’d rather be blogging)

I saw a really good bumper sticker on a car today. It read, "I'd rather be driving." Then below that was the name of some zen center near here. Okay, I love this bumper sticker. I have always been sort of annoyed by those "I'd rather be..." bumper stickers. Instead of moaning to all of … Continue reading Hey, June, what’s shakin’? (Or, I’d rather be blogging)

Seriously? Going to hang myself if one more person tells me this.

You guys. On that Funniest Blogger contest that I am already sick of? Apparently I have been nominated twice. So there is my blog name and 1,400 votes, and there is also my blog name and 20 votes. Or something. I have been emailed by every person I have ever known or been related to … Continue reading Seriously? Going to hang myself if one more person tells me this.

Guess what? It’s humid at the beach!

Peter Frampton called. Wants his beach hair back. (Really, he does. Have you seen poor Peter Frampton lately? Bald. If there was ever someone who shouldn't have gone bald. All those lovely blond curls...) Really, my hair at the beach is a thing to behold. You got your wind, you got your saltwater, you got … Continue reading Guess what? It’s humid at the beach!

I wish they all could be middle-aged California girls

By the time you read this, I’ll be gone. That was dramatic, wasn’t it? Did you think I was dropping out and turning on or something? Going back to my childhood and joining a vegan commune of some sort? The truth is, I’m at the beach. My pal Sleeping Beauty is renting a big house on … Continue reading I wish they all could be middle-aged California girls