Let's begin with the obvious: I am not cool. At all. If on one end you've got Pinky Tuscadero, I am at the opposite end of that spectrum.
And no, I do NOT think Leather Tuscadero was cooler. Anyone who has to come up with a gimmicky greeting like slapping your leg twice and making a gun out of your finger is intrinsically not cool. And why did we have Leather, anyway? You're telling me the actress who played Pinky was too busy to come back to Happy Days, the biggest hit of the time? Have you seen Pinky Tuscadero in anything else since she appeared on that show?
So, back to the part where I'm not cool. For example, the part where I am suddenly in the running to be voted Funniest Blogger. Now, if I were actually cool, I would not have told you about it yesterday. Also too, I would not have spent 92 hours figuring out how to get a button on my right-side column. And I certainly wouldn't KEEP mentioning this contest.
But you know those people who don't tell you it's their birthday, and you somehow find out three days later, and you're all, "Why didn't you tell me it was your birthday Thursday?" and they just look down and say, "Oh, you know…"
Yeah. I'm not one of those people. I tend to dump fliers out of an airplane the week before my birthday. So what I'm saying is, you are going to HATE me until this stupid contest is done on July 6.
What if I just close with "Remember to vote for me for funniest blogger" at the end of every post? Is that tasteful enough? And what if I call you personally each day until July 6 to remind you to get out the vote? What if I come over?
You see, there? See how I take it too far? I am a lot like Tallulah when she sees a rabbit. If she'd just play it cool, maybe she'd get one. But the shaking all over and whining and pulling me till I'm like a kite flying behind her on her leash? It never, ever works for her. She ain't never caught a rabbit. She ain't no friend of mine.
Not only am I gonna be annoying till July 6, I will also be not funny. Because now the pressure's on. I have this thing that happens to me. If someone introduces me, and they say, "This is my friend June. She's really funny." Do you know what the introducee gets? They get Old Stone Face.
Seriously. If someone introduces me as funny, I become completely unfunny for the rest of the night. So now I am up to win an award saying this blog is funny? Oh, helllll, no. This is gonna be the most somber place you visit until that contest is over. You want to come here for quiet contemplation and maybe a few tears? This blog is your unfunny destination.
So I'm just warning you now. But hey, won't you click on the red button at right and vote for me for funniest blog? You can vote every day.