Extra Value June

If you're just tuning in–and you know how I say that all the time, and I'm sort of being facetious? Yeah. The Nester mentioned me in her blog yesterday and I got like 11,000 visitors in one afternoon. So I'd like to think that SOMEONE stuck around from that. I mean, you throw a bunch of spaghetti on the wall, some of it's bound to stick, right? If it's wet.

I do not know why out of all the examples in the world I had to pick spaghetti on the wall.

ANYWAY, if you're just tuning in, I get migraines. They call us Migraineurs, and doesn't that just make you want to slap me silly? Migraineurs. It sounds like I should be half goat, half headache or something. So, as a MIGRAINEUR, I was prescribed a drug to make my migraines happen less often, and that drug is called Topamax.

See? Just saying it? It's like when you've broken up with someone and you hear their name after a few years, and your heart sort of flutters. Oh, Topamax.

Topamax not only got rid of my migraines, made me a Mirgra-not. A Migra-nyet. A Migra-never. It not only did that, but it made me thin! Thin thin thin! I totally, completely didn't care if I never ate another bite again. I got down to a size six, which I know was considered fat in The Devil Wears Prada, but for me it was like being Olive Oyl. Or that annoying stylist who has her own reality show. What's her name? Anyway, you always see her in Star now, with all her rib cage showing and rickets and growing fur and stuff.

The problem is, it also made me dumb as a stump. I really couldn't, you know, think. Which is kind of an issue, as you usually need thoughts to get through your day. I could make an obvious joke about that stylist again, but I'll abstain.

So my doctor said I had to quit Topamax. Because I couldn't go around being this stupid.

It's been about two weeks now, living without my great love Topamax. I've driven past his house a couple times, ON MY WAY TO ARBY'S DRIVE-THRU.

Guess what came back? Could it be my appetite? Did it come back with a vengeance? Am I gonna need my Totie Fields dress back soon?

The other day at work the power went out, which was exciting and I thought maybe we'd get sent home for the day, but anyway I couldn't microwave the lunch I brought. So naturally I went to McDonald's.

When I got back to work the power was on, so you know what I did? I microwaved my lunch. Even though I'd already HAD lunch. A BAD lunch.

Oh, I am doomed.

Has anyone tried eating a tapeworm? I'd be willing to give that a try. What if the whole time I'm at work I jog in place? Will that make me look insane? Insaner than eating two lunches in one day? I've had all these weight fluctuations at work; they're gonna think I'm Chandler Bing.

That's all I have to say about that. I miss you so bad, Topamax. I didn't care that I was stupid, just everyone around me did. They were JEALOUS, Topamax. Jealous of our love, and of my hot body. We were like Brangelina, hot and in love. We were Topajune. Junemax. And now I'm maxed-out June.

I will close with the obligatory Henry picture, so you will all leave me alone to eat in peace.

Henry

Fortunately he was right here next to me as I type. Probably wondering why mom is getting so big. He has a little scritch on his nose from tormenting some household pet or another. And speaking of our animals…

Winlu

What are these two Bozos plotting?

(Oh. And don't forget to vote for me for hungriest blogger. Click on the red "Funniest" bar and search for 150 years for Bye Bye, Pie, because they keep moving my name around the page. Irritating.)

47 thoughts on “Extra Value June

  1. Hi June, I found you via Emily’s blog and voted for you as “funniest”. I will be a loyal follower. You crack me up and there’s never enough of that in this world!

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  2. Oh gah, damn appetite. Maybe you could go and get your stomach stapled? But they probably won’t let you since your so jealous-inducingly skinny already.
    I hope you remember all the old school Juners when you are ridiculously popular!

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  3. Chin up, friend. Bet you’re still too skinny to join Weight Watchers. With their snobby weight limits.
    I wonder if maybe you’re talking about rachel zoe, and really you did know her name, and it’s silly of me to tell you like you didn’t know, and maybe that’s not even the stylist with her own reality show you’re talking about.

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  4. What if we really ARE just tuning in. Like me? Do you discriminate against recent tuners? Or accept people of all readership levels?
    So I’m uh, just tuning in, and just wanted to say sorry about the loss of the Topomax, and the finding of the appetite, and the not-so-loss of the weight that might follow. But hey, smart beats skinny ANY DAY, right?

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  5. Arby’s *sigh*. I gained fifteen pounds in college going to Arby’s every day going to see the cute fry guy that worked in the back.
    It didn’t help that I ordered a Beef N Cheddar every time to go with the fries.

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  6. Glad to see Henry is alive and well. My day can now commence.
    I think being stupid is okay, I’ve been stupid my whole life and it doesn’t bother me. Maybe you will have to go back to blogging about your health, as long as you keep me laughing! ๐Ÿ™‚

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  7. Hollywood has shown us, repeatedly and with great fervor, that thin and stupid is a winning combination, just like curly fries and a Beef’n’Cheddar.
    June, I had recently been contemplating sending you cookies. I’m glad I held off on sending them till just now, because now I know that when I send them, I should frost the box, too, so that once you have plowed through the cookies, the delicious packaging will be ready for consumption!

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  8. Well, welcome back to the real world of battling the buldge. I feel your pain, believe me!!!! What stinks is my husband and I are eating really well, he’s losing weight and I just keep packing it on.
    That sweet little Henry is really growing. Now those other two, yeah, what are they thinking? BTW, I saw a gray fox in my back yard last night while I was out trying to find Oscar Snuggles, King of Tidewater, because he fights and I end up with the vet bills. The fox just looked at me, turned around and trotted away down through my garden. What do they eat?

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  9. Hey, what’s wrong with all you readers and fans? Barefoot Foodie has now surpassed Bye Bye Pie in the voting for funniest blog. Vote NOW (and every day) before June gets too fat to appreciate it.

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  10. I’m the commenter who pointed out the typo, and for that, it seems only right that I stick on the walls of your blog like a wet noodle…right?
    I’m sorry about your Topamaxi pad or whatever it’s called. I used to wish I’d get hypothyroidism so I could take the awesome skinny-pills.
    I feel your pain.

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  11. I’m a fellow sufferer. Fortunately, I have *mostly* grown out of them. (I did manage to somehow pass them on to my husband though. poor guy, but at least now he feels bad for not having enough sympathy for me when I had them!) Anyway, I took Topamax for a while and hoped that I would have the weight loss side effect. No dice. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ It didn’t work for me anyway, so I haven’t taken it in probably 10 years now.
    btw- I’m a new reader, I can’t remember who linked to you though.

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  12. Here’s a thought…instead of running in place you could get one of those exercise balls that you can sit on/balance on/bounce on while at your desk doing your proofreading… (if you’re a fan of The Office, there was a great episode a few years ago where Dwight had one and was so annoying on it, and Jim popped it)- that would be entertaining AND help you lose weight!

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  13. June, Just found your blog last night and posted a comment about Topamax – now you’re talking about it again!
    I know a lot of people are unable to make it through this stage of Topamax, however, if you can tough it out, it does get much, much better.

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  14. So… I heart Henry.
    WTF??? This A.M. when I voted you were AHEAD of this Barefoot Foodie. When I just when in to vote in my husband’s stead she has had another surge. Let’s send her some wine and Topomax. She’ll be too drunk and too stupid to blog.
    My daughter has what * I * have diagnosed as “stomach migraines”. I will have diagnosis confirmed by the doctor at her appointment. Basically everyone can have a stomach migraine but typically they are in children. They are migraines that manifest in the stomach. This affliction will turn into regular head migraines as she gets nearer to puberty. Which will be a barrel of laughs I am sure. The last two days in my house have been almost unbearable. With the writhing, groaning, crying, pleading with God that has been going on. And my daughter has been even worse.

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  15. Totally understand your love/hate relationship with Topamax. The same thing happened to me and it also made me a little crazy, which I didn’t need more help with to say the least. How I miss that weight loss though! Maybe being dumb and crazy wasn’t so bad!

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  16. So, you are only beating me by like 700 today, but oh well. I’ll give you a little hint because I’d rather it be you than Foodie who beats me into oblivion, but I find myself by ctrl F – makes things easier.
    Except when the nominator spells your name wrong like they did when they nominated me for “Blog you learned the most from” vote for me there, just ctrl f awesome.
    Good luck, and some day June Gardens I will be funnier than you, unless you lose more brain cells to Topamax.

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  17. Well, speaking as a typical (name your ethnicity, Jewish, Italian, Chinese) mother I was getting panicky watching you waste away to a mere slip of a girl. Someone needed to step in and guilt you in to having seconds. I think you needed to be a bit more, shall we say, robust to herd your flock.
    I started reading you a few months ago and have done so faithfully every morning. Many mentions have been made of the amount of liquid spewed at all your readers’ monitors. And as a thank you for all the joy and laughter you bring us daily, I am voting every chance I get. Good Luck to you! Maybe the 1st prize will be a year’s supply of Topamax? Or a year’s worth of Arby’s awesome curly fries with some of the horsey sauce? : )

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  18. Could I get your blessing to start dating Topamax? I don’t need him, have a man of my own. But a gal could use a little Stupid in her life if it means her pants will stop trying to strangle her.
    I won’t let Topamax talk smack about you and if you want him back, just say the word. But give me a few days so I can hunt down some elastic-waist pants. Thanks.

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  19. I took topamax as part of eating disorder recovery therapy. It is used to help binge eaters not binge. So, basically, not a weight loss tool. Just a balancer.
    My doc and I called it “Dopamax”. I am a teacher and I constantly forgot my students names, facts about science that I should have know, etc. I’m off the Topa and off the purging, so its all good. Its a nice little resource to have!

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  20. Okay, you are funny. Funny in a good way, a way I like. Sarcasm. I love it. I suffer from migraines and I’m fat – thanks to another medicine that keeps me from crying (but not completely). So, perhaps if I take Topamax, I can not cry and not suffer from migraines and be thin.? I’m okay with being stupid, I’m tired of being irritated by the people who surround me that are stupid by nature. Yup, gonna get me some of those. No headaches in my life or in my head – good stuff!
    Now, about that award…I think you have my vote and for sure, I’ve gotta follow you. Just don’t lead me down an empty road and abandon me.

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  21. Having just lived through my very first migraine, you had me at Topamax. You sealed the deal with Totie Fields. Love that Nester for sending me your way. Off to vote for ya!

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  22. Just go to Subway and walk everywhere like their spokeman guy whose name I don’t remember that is always holding up his before-sized pants.
    How does it feel to be smoking the competition–most particularly, the dooce-bag? I figured it out, you have 12.6 times as many votes as her. Go June. Now walk to Subway to celebrate.

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  23. I don’t remember how I found you but I have never regretted it. Now then as for Topojune. Are you migraines back?
    I have had way too many lately and my doctor decided that the best thing for me to do was to cut sugar and glutens out of my diet all I am allowed to eat are cardboard and drink water. I have lost a bit of weight but I don’t think cardboard really contains many calories. The good news is that it is a good source of fiber.

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  24. June! Let’s look at the bright side. Being smarter will mean being even funnier. All scathingly funny people are brilliant.
    Not all funny people are terribly bright, however.
    And I was here before the flung spaghetti. I’m just sayin’.

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  25. Every day there is something in your post that makes me chortle away, repeat it throughout the day and chortle again. Today it was “If it’s wet.” I just kept visualizing someone throwing dry spaghetti at a wall. I do heart your blog.
    Did you go to the door to see what those two were looking at? I don’t think I could have resisted.
    Off to vote.

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  26. Two lunches, HA! I love it. Something I would do indeed, if no one was paying attention. It is annoying that they keep moving your name around on the voting page.

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  27. I had a migraine last Monday and thought of you. I also wished for Topomax, mainly for the appetite control factor. Hate that your doctor took your fix away. Isn’t being smart overrated anyway?
    Off to go scroll and vote now. You own this contest.

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  28. Why, oh WHY doesn’t Topamax make me lose my appetite? WHY? Life is so damn unfair. On the other hand, it doesn’t make me stupid(er) either. Or does it? How would I know? Must think on this. Speaking of lunch. Do you have Cook-Out in your part of NC? It is so good – it is EVIL. And I had it for lunch. Instead of the healthy lunch I had in the office fridge. Oh well. Maybe I am stupid. But I didn’t forget to vote for you today! You’re almost up to a 1,000 now! You’re gonna win this thang. GO JUNE GO!

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  29. I voted for you again .. I must say though that it is really hard scrolling past all those poor people who haven’t got a vote yet .. but I did it. I’m wondering if the other high scoring votee is paying more than you cos the gap between you two is getting bigger. Just saying is all …..

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  30. As the person who decided today that I would eat my own face off, were it made of chocolate or carbohydrates… I can sympathize. Did you get the McDonald’s chocolate shake, too? Because I recently found out that little beauty has 1200 calories. It’s like an entire day’s worth of calories in one handy package with a straw.

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  31. The Nester was right. You’re hilarious. I am now subscribing to your blog, and envying the fact that you are able to take migraine medication. I had three migraines in three days this weekend. The insurance thinks that paying $70 for medication (them) and $165 for medication (me) is acceptable. For twelve pills. Twelve GENERIC pills.
    Yeah.
    Anyway, love your blog. Need a stingray costume.
    Aren’t you glad I’m stalking you now?
    Hello?

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  32. Oh, I love to laugh out loud – I was laughing with, not at you of course! I’m sorry you had to break it off with Topamax, but Nester sent you many new friends. By the way … I love those Arby’s potato bite things with Ranch. Yum!

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  33. Well, I am on week 3 (or is it 4? 6? 463?) of Topamax and the only side effect so far is the tingly face. I am upping the dosage next month at my appointment and am hopeful that the weight loss side effect kicks in because I just polished off a 1L carton of ice cream and thanks to your mention of Arby’s, I am dreaming of curly fries dipped in Horsey Sauce.
    I wish I could remember how I found your blog, but I have been reading you since way back in the beginning of the bye, bye, buy days.

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  34. I found you from the last time Nester mentioned you and I stuck.
    I really like TopaJune. Good one. I’m going to need more examples of just how stupid it made you.

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  35. I got horrible migraines almost every day for a long time. I went gluten free for other reasons that I thought were unrelated to my headaches and my headaches disapppeared. A lot of people don’t have the good info on GF and eat a lot of stuff that doesn’t taste good. I lost 30 pounds just by going GF and have been the same weight for three years now. I only fluctuate within a three pound range. Ever. I weigh five pounds less than I did when I got married. And I have two kids. It’s bizarre.
    My diet? Sure there is some inconvenience and there are adjustments to make. But there is also lots of chocolate, Haagen Dazs, wine, Cheetoes and french fries. So yea… I’m good with it. ๐Ÿ™‚

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  36. Winston and Tallulah called out for pizza. They’re just waiting for the Domino’s guy to come up the sidewalk with their order. If you hadn’t called them “bozos” they would have shared. But now? You’re out of luck, you libeler.

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  37. Everyone in my family . . . well 3 out of the 4 of us . . . get migraines. I was so excited to read about the Topamax because I was thinking “Oooh! A size six, eh?”
    I’m a 10.
    But then I got to the part where it makes you stoopid.
    I have enough trouble with the Middle Age Memory Game. Which I once believed was a delayed reaction to all the drugs and alcohol I did in college. But now think I it had something to do with having children.

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  38. Just found your blog today and enjoyed wasting 10 minutes of cracking-up goodness. I’ll be back, fer sure.
    Oh, and you’re brave for leaving that lock mechanism where the bozos can reach it. Just by dumb luck, my cats would release themselves into the big blue room and freak out. No easy locks for dumb kitties in this house!

    Like

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