I wish they all could be middle-aged California girls

By the time you read this, I’ll be gone.

That was dramatic, wasn’t it? Did you think I was dropping out and turning on or something? Going back to my childhood and joining a vegan commune of some sort? The truth is, I’m at the beach.

My pal Sleeping Beauty is renting a big house on the Outer Banks, and she’s asked me to join her for a few days (which, by the way, means we are going to MAKE OUT CONSTANTLY, in Marvin's mind. Marvin seems to think that all women friends are just dying for an opportunity to make out. Whatever with his Spice Channel self).

The last time Sleeping Beauty and I rented anything, it was a cabin in Michigan when we were 22 and all we brought for a week was a big box of White Zinfandel and a bag of baby carrots. I wish I were making that up.

Tye_dye_and_sb

The Beaut and me on our baby carrot trip. We don't LOOK hungry! It's too bad we couldn't find bigger shirts.

I have never been to the Outer Banks, but if you whip out your trusty map of the US, you will see that the outer banks of North Carolina are like this little strip, this little finger, of land separating me and the ocean. I really, really hope there is not a tidal wave or a tsunami or whatever.

See how I can’t have fun? I can’t go to a beautiful beach with an old friend and enjoy myself. No. I have to think about being sucked into the ocean, and drowning to death, and will they have my funeral here in North Carolina or back in Michigan, and will my LA and Seattle friends show up, and will they play dumb music. I’m gonna be really mad if they say, “Oh, June loved I Got the Music in Me. Let’s play that." I can just see Marvin doing that to me as sort of a final joke.

When Marvin dies, he wants me to play 76 Trombones and Whoot! There it is. When I am particularly annoyed at him, I start to plan which I’ll play first, or will I be really mean and just constantly play Hotel California in the background. Seriously, he hears ONE NOTE of that song and stampedes for the button.

Marvin also wants a tombstone that reads, “I’m With Stupid” pointing at my tombstone, which of course is going to say, “I told you I was sick.”

I do not know why today’s post has taken such a morbid turn.

At any rate, tomorrow I am re-running one of my favorite posts, so we won’t have Ask June this week. Try to carry on. And no, I don’t have a Blackberry or iPhone or laptop to blog at the beach. First of all, no. And second, my husband is a fifth-grade teacher. We are lucky we have indoor plumbing. An iPhone. I wish.

When I get back I will award the Comment of the Week, so everyone be witty while I bask in the sun and get melanoma. And don’t forget to frickin’ vote for me. Even I’m getting sick of myself with that plea.

[Obligatory Henry baboon-butt picture]

Baboon

30 thoughts on “I wish they all could be middle-aged California girls

  1. Enjoy your girl time.
    Why do men think that all women do “that” stuff when we’re alone.? They’re sick I tell ya!
    As for the wine and Carrots? Hey, spontaneous road trips and stupid stuff is for young people, that’s why we do them.
    Giggle, laugh, chat, drink, enjoy – have the time of your life!

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  2. When I was 22, stores didn’t sell bags of baby carrots.
    I don’t know why I felt I had to share that, but there you are.
    I’ve been to the Outer Banks. Once we saw a shark in the breakers about 2 feet from the shoreline. Seriously. We don’t go any further south than Delaware now.
    And riptides…don’t forget the riptides…

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  3. Oh, I ❤ the Outer Banks. I want to go to Cape Hatteras this summer so badly. But, I'm broke. So some kind person needs to invite me to go to the beach with them. Every summer when I was a kid, I got to go to the beach with someone's family. What happened to that? That was a pretty nice set up. Dang.

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  4. When I was dating the man who would become my husband, we went with a bunch of people to the Outer Banks for a week’s vacation. He broke up with me THE FIRST DAY OF OUR VACATION. I wanted to smack him.
    I still do.
    Fourteen years later, I keep telling him he owes me a make-up week.

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  5. Let’s surprise June and really put her over the edge with votes while she’s gone! This a.m. she was only trailing Barefoot Foodie by about 27 votes.
    Yesterday I was able to vote once with my email, and later with my husband’s.
    C’Mon JUNIE DESERVES THIS!!

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  6. We had a girl trip several years ago and it was a BLAST! We all stopped at a little Mexican restaurant that advertised .99 margaritas! My friend Jamie was wearing an ENORMOUS Micky Mouse T-shirt over her bathing suit and she got tickled at something witty I said and got choked on the margarita! Couldn’t breath, it was scary! I was clearing the table fixing to throw her butt on it and do CPR or the heimlich or something to save her life! I mean it was my fault after all! Before I had to actually perform mouth to mouth, she got her breath and we decided she would live!
    We laughed our butts off about what they would have said at the morgue when they rolled her in, smelling of tequila, wearing her bathing suit and that giant Mickey Mouse t-shirt! AND MY lipstick on her mouth!
    Have a great time!!
    Lou Cinda 🙂

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  7. I guess I forget how lucky I am to live in a place where the beach is just a short walk away!
    Hope you’re having a wonderful time with your melanoma and tsunami! At least you’ll have a nice glow in the casket, right? You’ll have that going for ya!

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  8. Just one more thing. I’m a bit annoyed that Barefoot Foodie is even close to our June. She hasn’t posted since JUNE 8TH, for pete’s sake. Annoying, indeedy.

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  9. My husband and I have been to the Outer Banks many times and LOVE it! If you decide to go out while you are there (and if you read this in time) our favorite little locals bar is Tortuga’s Lie down near mile post 11 1/2 I believe. Cold beer and good food and locals to watch. Very fun. Enjoy your trip! I just recently found your blog through another one (which one,escapes me now).

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  10. So, have your cats taken to smoking? Or is Winston (Winston is the grey one, right? And Francis is the black & white one???) planning to set Henry’s tail on fire?

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  11. I’m planning my own funeral and I’m going to make sure it’s hilarious so that when the detectives ask around everyone is a suspect because they were “acting inappropriately” at my funeral.
    You should be good from any nautical nightmares, the Gulf is where it’s at in June.

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  12. I just cast another vote for June and right now she’s only 3 votes behind. Come on People Get Out the Vote! We can’t let June lose this thing.

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  13. I think it’s very appropriate that you talked about death today because I just watched an old guy die at the restaurant I was having lunch at. I saw him shuffle in (he had to be at least 110 years old), flirt with the hostess, give her a hug, tell my lunch date that he was jealous. The next time I saw him, he was being laid out on the floor, waiting to be removed with a sheet over his head. I think 76 Trombones is now going to run through my head, with visions of the cute little old dead man. But hey, enough about me – have a great trip!

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  14. I grew up in Virginia. We spent many summer weeks toasting our buns at the Outer Banks. Sigh.
    Now my best friend from high school has a rental home there. It’s really great. Has a hot tub… SO, DO I SMELL A ROAD TRIP MY FELLOW GARDEN VARIETY GROUPIES OR WHAT?

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  15. i live pretty close to the outer banks and we go a couple of times ayear. we’ll be spending most of july there this year. too bad you won’t be there then…. i’d stalk ya and buy you a drink at awful arthurs. 🙂

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  16. LOVE LOVE LOVE the Outer Banks or any place on the NC coast. You and Sleeping Beauty have a great time! And make up some good stories for Marvin Gardens too! Let the poor man have his little fantasies!
    When I was 22, my roommate and I went on a trip (turned out to be an extended stay – NO – we were NOT in jail!) to Atlanta, sponsored by the Raleigh Spinster’s Club. She and I were the ummm…Raleigh Spinsters. But people were very happy to give us their soft drink bottles to turn in for cash for our cause. You may be too young to remember returnable soft drink bottles. Sigh. Man, we had some fun in the good old days. As I recall, my name for the cause was Edna, hers was Gladys.
    Everybody go VOTE for June – PLEASE! Vote early, vote often! We can’t let Barefoot Foodie win this. June is a hundred thousand times funnier! Really!

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  17. Hey… I’m not sure if this is ethical… but who cares??? I just went to vote and tried using a different name with my e-mail address… IT WORKED!
    Get voting people!

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  18. You’re winning! You are neck and neck with barefoot foodie. You should consider yourself a winner regardless of who gets the title; look how many votes you have!

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  19. When I was 22, baby carrots hadn’t been ‘invented’ and no vegetables came in bags unless they were frozen. The only lettuce was ice berg. Thanks for making me laugh today!

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  20. Interesting note about the Outer Banks. Did you know they helped harbor the people who settled North Carolina? No one could get in to get them out so they left them there. There’s your history lesson for the day.
    By the way, I can totally see Marvin with a band hat on marching on stage to 76 Trombones. Right here we’ve got trouble, yes sir we’ve got trouble, with a capital t and that rhymes with p and that stands for pool (that stands for pool). Oh dear, you bring out the worst in me.

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