June's stupid life · Marvin · My pets · Times I Amused My Own Self

Can you hear me now? Woof.

(I'm on vacation, but it's summer. Repeat time! Please enjoy me digging out this old, tired post from back in November.)

Last night I got home from work right around the same time Marvin did, and again I'd like to point out the part where Marvin is an elementary school teacher. Why is he coming home at 6:00? Is there a second shift at school that I do not know about?

At any rate, I was being greeted by Tallulah in her usual indifferent way. It is hard to adjust to dog greetings after a lifetime of coming home to cats and being greeted by this:

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Francis: Big Hair home. Maybe she feed us. Winston: Who?

And yes, I do understand that Francis weighs 782 pounds. And that he is trying to wedge Winnie into the wall so he can grow wider. Don't even ask about the orange extension cord. It was a Marvin project thing.

If you don't have a dog, let me try to describe the greeting process. Remember in Gone With the Wind, when Ashley was missing in the Civil War, and the best they could hope for was that  he was a prisoner somewhere? The war ended, and Scarlett and Melanie, who had so little themselves, spent all day feeding and bathing the soldiers who were trudging back, to see what was left of their own war-torn homes. One weary day, they saw another soldier coming up the road. Scarlett complained that there'd be another mouth to feed that night, but Melanie clutched her throat. She stepped forward, even more pale than that anemic namby-pamby mousy thing usually was. I never did identify with Melanie.

Suddenly she DROPPED her mending. She jumped down the steps. She ran, ran as fast as her skinny, so-needing-Jergens-tanning-lotion legs could carry her, because she knew that down that road, it was Ashley! Ashley! Home from the war at last! He was safe! He was alive! Her Ashley! She ran all the way, THREW herself into Ashley's arms, not even able to believe she was seeing him again.

That is pretty much how Tallulah feels every day when I get home.

It was in this state of rapture that Marvin found Tallulah and me last night. "We are just going out for a walk," I said. "Come with us."

I know I have mentioned before that Marvin is no speed demon about leaving the house when you want him to. First, he had to change his shoes. Who is he, Mr. Rogers? Then he had to take off his tie. Then he had to drink some water and write a personal letter to Vladimir Putin and sew a few patches on the Amish quilt he's been working on. You can imagine Tallulah, who is only 11 months old, was getting a little twitter patted. She already had her leash on, and she was doing that annoying jump up and try to walk herself thing with the leash, and when you try to take it away from her she thinks you're playing tug-of-war. Girlfriend was keyed up.

As for me, I still had on all my work clothes including my heels:

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Do you enjoy my art shot of the heels?

I took Tallulah outside to wait for Marvin and when he finally got outside, he said, "Let's get her harness, because it is important that I take 45 MORE years to get going on this walk." He headed inside, and Lula was prancing around like a stallion, smiling and biting her stupid leash and generally driving me berserk. I tried to wrestle the leash from her, and somehow?

I dropped it. I dropped her leash.

There was one split second where both she and I both said "Gasp!" and we looked right at each other in wide-eyed shock. That is right before I saw the back of her blond arse turn to dust as she screamed down the road.

I have always worried about what would happen if I ever somehow lost grip on the leash. She is the fastest runner at the dog park, and she is kind of shrimpy, so it's sort of impressive. I like that she runs fast, when she's all safe in a fenced-in area. Now she was loose in our neighborhood, and I had these towering wedge heels on.

In obedience school, they taught us to call them excitedly, that maybe they'd come back thinking we had something good.

Tallulah! I called, in a voice I hoped sounded like I was a hot large Lab male, with dangling steak earrings.

Puleeze. She did not even tell me to tell it to the paw. All I could tell was that she was running through everyone's back yard, because one after one, all the neighbor dogs would commence to barking. WOOF!woof woof woof. Then the next yard BARrararararar!

I started off down the road in those ridiculous heels, running like Mariah Carey. "Tallulah! Come here Tallulah!" I kept trying to sound chipper, like they told me in obedience school. I was trying not to sound hysterical. Finally, Vladimir Putin's best pal showed up. "I've lost Tallulah! The leash slipped out of my hand!"

"&*($%%*!" said Marvin. "How the @&#&#$ did that happen? $&#&**(!"

He started running in the neighbor's back yards, yelling for the dog. Suddenly, Lula tore into someone's front yard, and Marvin LEAPED into the air after her, like Joe Namath, because Joe Namath is the only football player I know of other than that Refrigerator person, and because the only football player Marvin can name is similarly Joe Namath, he also missed Tallulah and came crashing onto the neighbor's lawn.

"&*($$^$#!" said Marvin. "I ^***&^$$ had her!"

At this point, Marvin's hysteria made me get my mother's calm, you-are-insane-and-I-know-it therapist voice. "Honey," I said soothingly, "I wonder if you could not curse on the neighbor's lawn."

The next 20 minutes were spent with us following the sound of that dog's tags tingling through back yards, because it was black as pitch out and we couldn't see a thing. We split up at one point, and as I stood teetering in my heels, I saw a poor cat in a yard, and I said, "It's okay, kitty. I know a dog is loose, but I promise it likes cats." The cat came right over to me, and IT WAS WINSTON! He had been following us the whole time! He was looking for Tallulah, you could tell! He was looking toward the sound of the tags. I adore that cat, I always have, but I have never loved him more than I did last night. I scooped him up and teetered home with him. I knew I couldn't catch that dog.

I sat on the front porch with Winnie for a while, and at this point had decided we were going to lose Tallulah. She was going to get hit by a car, for sure. I was never going to want a dog again, and I was already trying to think of how to convince Marvin that I meant it. This was too awful.

Then I heard those tags tinging.

There she was, gallumping like a beat mule, her leash soaking wet and dragging behind her. Not to be obsessed with Gone With the Wind, but she looked a lot like that poor exhausted horse Rhett got the night Atlanta burned.

She sauntered right to our door, panting and smiling. I grabbed her up just like Melanie did and oh, I wanted to scream and yell at her, but at obedience school they said we have to make sure they're glad they came home. I took her stupid leash and wrapped it around my hand 950 times, and went to find Marvin. There he was, half a block away, and he had like 12,000 neighbors behind him. It looked like that scene in Frankenstein where the townspeople all come out with torches and pitchforks. Or a Verizon network commercial, where you're on your cell phone and all those people are behind you.

All the people whose back yards Tallulah and Marvin had run through had come out to help. They had flashlights and dog treats. I said, "Here she is!" and some kid ran up and hugged her. No one could believe she just came home on her own, with her jerky self.

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I sorry. Kind of.

This is why I have  a new invention. It is the dog magnet. You put a powerful magnet on your dog's collar, and then you have a giant horseshoe magnet at home. When your dog does this, and scares the PEE out of you, all you have to do is go get the horseshoe, point it outside, and your dog is SUCKED UP onto the magnet.

It beats the Lean Cuisine Vending Machine all to crap, doesn't it?

79 thoughts on “Can you hear me now? Woof.

  1. EMERGENCY!!! Sorry for the all caps and mistakes but we have a PROBLEM. Over on the funniest blog contest – there are two (2) Bye Bye Pie’s. Go over there and get them to add those votes together.

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  2. Too FUNNY! Yeah, yeah, I voted. I’m puzzled as to why I haven’t stumbled across your funny blog given all my unproductive hours of lurking into the digital lives of strangers. But I’m feeling some sisterhood here – I think we have the same taste in men – not only do I have to wait, and wait for my husband to exit the house when it is TimeToGo, but I am always, always the first to emerge from a public restroom after we have entered our respective facilities at the same time. He says I must not wash my hands. How do you Marvin compare when it comes to public restroom timing?

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  3. Substitute my Buffie and our cat, Ikey, for Lula and Winnie. Ike fell for Buffie when she was a tiny platinum furball who needed comforting during thunderstorms. Little did he know he was extending a paw of tenderness to she who would grow up to be a galloping blonde horse with a mouth the size of the Grand Canyon, but he still loves her.
    I’ll read your story to them. They will love it.

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  4. Old, maybe, but certainly not tired (this post). I can’t wait for tomorrow’s rerun.
    I voted.

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  5. The Zali Lama got away from me once to chase squirrels. I ran after him screaming, “ZALIIIII!” at the top of my lungs. People were staring, cars screached to a halt.
    And then he turned around and moseyed (sp? moseied?) back to me like Prissy raking a stick on the picket fence coming back from the store. Sigh.

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  6. Looking completely ridiculous at my desk shaking and crying and stifling laughter. This was absolutely hilarious…enjoy your weekend.

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  7. Ummmm…upon further research, it appears that Francis is a Mr. My heartfelt apologies to MR. Francis, who is an incredibly handsome, hunka hunka burnin’ love type manly man. I’m so sorry, Mr. Francis. You are so stunning, I was blinded…but now I see. Or something like that.

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  8. Best story I’ve read in a LONG time! Even while you’re away on vacation, you make me laugh out loud!
    And may I say that Ms. Francis is a lovely, plus size lady and I love her. Of course, I love Winston, Henry and Tallulah too.
    Has everybody VOTED today? Voting for June every morning is becoming a habit here. Shower, check. Hair, check. Make-up, check. Vote for June, check. Go to work, dammit.

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  9. Ah, but the dog magnet doesn’t rhyme like Lean Cuisine Vending Machine. You could totally sell that to Nestlé.
    The dogs we had when I was growing up liked to run off. We only worried about it when we got a phonecall from a local farmer saying the dogs had been worrying sheep. They shoot dogs for less, you know. But they always came back.

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  10. I love the SHOES! I need to know where you got them? What brand? Are they comfortable ( I realize that is a loaded question with any womens shoe.. I just usally feel squished in at the toes..this doesnt look narrow) I have been thinking about these shoes since I first read the post in early November.. I finally decided I just needed to beg you to Please Share! 🙂
    Alex

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  11. OMG!! That was too funny!! I can only imagine Marvin taking a lifetime to leave the house, and the fact that he’s Putin’s pal is a scream!! I think he changed his shoes so that he doesn’t run like Mariah Carey, too. That would be a sight!
    Glad you found your pooch.

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  12. That was an awesome story…
    my boxer does the same thing… only I can’t yell excitedly and I am NOT happy to see his lil butt when he finally comes back like nothing happened and says, sup?

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  13. June, I do not know you at all but I must thank you for the best laugh that I have had in months, (unfortunately, I was at work when I read your story about your dog running off). I was trying to stifle my laughing but the more that I tried the harder it got. I even had to turn my head away from my screen, like that would magically make me quit. What a hilarious story! And what a great treat to laugh out loud in the middle of a work day! Thank you, thank you.

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  14. Christie sent me over!
    I am seriously laughing so hard I am crying! I had to stop reading for a couple of seconds every couple of sentences because I had to be able to wipe the tears so I could see!
    This was the FUNNIEST thing I have read in forever.
    One thing I must say, I am married to Marvin’s twin! I will never be able to wait for him again without thinking of this story and Marvin!
    By the way, my DH has two labs. One of them given the same opportunity would have done the same thing! One day I had to get in my car and chase that dog for 40 minutes until she finally decided to get in the car and come home!
    DOGS! MEN!
    Oh, now I got to read more of your blog to see what else is on here!
    And and the part about you telling him not to cuss on the neighbors lawn, I thought I would pee myself! LOL

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  15. my husband always tells me he likes my arse.
    suddenly, it doesn’t seem like much of a compliment, as i’m envisioning the blonde one of a golden retriever.

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  16. I love dogs that come home. Ours used to sail down the street with her ears flying in the wind, smelling like fish. I think she went to dinner with the neighbor’s cat. Thanks for ending my day with a chuckle. (Stie sent me.)

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  17. I’m here at Lee’s request (she is my virtual aunt after all) and hoo-boy, are you one funny lady! My parents’ Bassett Hound made frequent breaks for freedom before he was “fixed”…don’t let anyone tell you just because those dogs have short legs they can’t run! Your story had me in stitches remembering all the times I chased him. At least Lula had the good grace to come back on her own. And your description of your cats’ typical greeting? Totally priceless! Glad I wasn’t drinking anything, or my monitor would be toast!

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  18. You can look at this one of two ways….
    It’s all Marvin’s fault.
    Or…
    Marvin did come to the rescue by
    organizing the whole neighborhood!
    We will have to get him a superhero
    cape and then yell at him. We
    can look at it both ways!

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  19. OMG – I so needed this post today! I love the story, love your writing and a big shout out to Stie for sending me here!
    THANK YOU THANK YOU
    Terra

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  20. I came over from Christie of “These Are a Few of My Favorite Things”. This was so fantastic. Tears are streaming down my cheeks. My kids are asking me what I am laughing about…I don’t know how to explain to them the humor I found in amazing lines like, “write a personal letter to Vladimir Putin.” So, so good.
    Hmmmmm?…Lean Cuisine Vending Machine. You are brilliant.

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  21. oh my goodness. So funny. My dog likes to escape too and she always come back so excited and it is so hard to teach them that is bad! Anyway, love your heels, where did you get them? That picture was my favorite part of the post! Probably because I am a shoe-addict.

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  22. So funny…… I could picture it all in technicolor. And byt the way, Gone With the Wind was not the first full length movie in technicolor which I thought it was but got by butt straigtened out here http://members.cox.net/stegokitty/dsotr_pages/technicolor.htm
    when I tried to find a link to prove it was.
    Anyhoo – I linked your post on my blog so hopefully the 1 or 2 readers I get will wonder over. I also provided them the link with the gas story – sorry June I think that was so dang funny and I even have memorized the day of the post – is that sad?

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  23. I’m here by way of Christie. You have a real gift for writing. I will be back often. Dogs….. my husband wore me down after 24 years of marriage and we now have one dog. I’m thinking of having all his teeth pulled so he can’t chew my things up any more. AND while I’m at it, I will put diapers on him on rainy days. He doesn’t like to go out to do his “stuff” in the rain.

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  24. The bloke’s name is Rhett. This post was funny from the beginning, the cat greeting you and all, then you finding the nice friendly kitty, which happened to be WINSTON! That cracked me up, but when Marvin comes back home with all the neighborhood behind him, I was holding my sides. THIS is why I have a cat! Dang dogs!

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  25. I, too, have the fastest dog runner in my town. My daughter’s soon-to-be husband came over for meet-the-parents night. When she opened the door for him my little brat ran out. So … my daughter and my husband are running all over the neighborhood trying to catch her. Excuse me? You chase them, they will run. Part of the game. So the new boyfriend and I are calmly sitting on the front porch waiting for the mutt to come home to Tara. Funny part: He turned around to me and said, “This is SO not going as well as I had hoped!” Loved him from that moment on.

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  26. How could someone NOT like Melanie? She embodies all that is good and sweet in the world with her selfless, eternal giving and and….and…and now that I think about it she was the queen of martyrdom and the reason for generations of guilt and finally, probably not all that fun to party with.

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  27. ok, can I just say I’m totally stealing Winston for my next cats’ name. I LOURVE it!
    I currently have a Gary, you can see why I would like Winston. 😀
    I’m glad everyone is home safe and sound, and WOW fantastic neighbors!

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  28. I was redirected from “These are a few of my favorite things” and I have to say I’m not dissapointed! I haven’t laughed that hard all day!
    I totally had this happen to me when i was dogsitting. Only, I lost THREE dogs…The garage door opened and the three of them barreled out the starting gate. Then….oh wait, it gets better! That night, I go back to let them out again, and stupid me accidentally pushes the button while its in my pocket…the door opens again…and out they go for the second time in ONE day….Maybe I will post something about my story and you can read it and laugh at me!

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  29. I’m here via Christie. You’ve got a new fan! So hilarious. I have a 8-month-old dog whose welcome home routine and cuteness saves him on a regular basis.

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  30. Okay, several things to say here:
    1. NEVER liked Melanie. Wanted Scarlett to have it all, except for that ugly Ashley. Never liked him either.
    2. Laughed OUT LOUD (not LOL, I never LOL) through this entire thing. I don’t know what made me crack up more, the cats’ conversation with each other, or Marvin writing to Putin. Seriously. You have a gift, my friend.
    3. Glad you found that crazy dog. Now you know your neighbors, right?

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  31. I think I love your neighborhood, with their willingness to assemble Frankenstein-style to track down the errant pup.
    I also love dogs that know — they KNOW — that all humans are confederates (ha!) and will turn them in.
    Whereas Queenie McQueenerson still runs up to every person who isn’t me when she breaks away.

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  32. The HARDEST thing about owning a dog is that you have to act happy when they finally come back from their crime sprees.
    I finally figured out that I could say, “You’re the worst dog ever and if you run into the street like that again I’m just going to turn and leave your dumb @$$ and you can find a new family if you like it so much!” as long as I say it in a HAPPY and EXCITED voice. Then we both win.

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  33. I read and reread this post this morning. Still laughing. Out loud. Hard. My sister called me and we reread it together. And laughed. Out loud. Hard. To the point of wheezing and unrecognizable words coming out of our mouths. Taking turns reading and laughing. Funniest. Post. Ever.

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  34. Phewf. SO glad she came back safely. And that you had worried neighbors. Man, I felt your pain in that split second when she looked at you before hightailing it down the block.
    Once, our Yorkie made a mad dash for freedom when my parents were hosting some Russian missionaries. They were the only ones at home, so they had to chase after her, but they didn’t remember her name. Or speak English.

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  35. I am all about YOU NEED TO WRITE A BOOK!…..You are so good for the health of the nation..laughter is good medicine!…My only question is….can you proof-read your own manuscript?…Thanks…as always…for my daily laugh….and your visuals are OUTSTANDING!!

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  36. June – I’m coming out of lurkdom to tell you this is the funniest thing I’ve read in a looong time. “Who is he, Mr. Rogers?” Hilarious!
    Kristy

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  37. THE BEST post by far. Oh my gosh, I sprayed all over the computer when I saw the cats faces. Anyone who says pets need too much love and attention doesn’t know cats. What IS twitter? What’s a Stumble? And while I’m at it, what the heck is a Mr. Linky? Or should I say who?

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  38. I love, love, that dog so keep chasing her. By the way, when are you writing your book? So funny! I cannot imagine my perfect son swearing though.

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  39. But? June .. did you take her to the doggy park once her freedom run was over?
    Stan’s Mum went to see Gone With The Wind when it was first released in the cinema .. and she said that people actually gasped out loud at the profanity when the bloke said “Damn”. I know that the bloke has a name but I have never seen the movie in it’s entirety (is that how you spell it?) only bits and pieces of it and I don’t know what his name was.

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  40. Dude, if you make that collar I will buy it.
    Our shorthair was so bad about that running off you had to get in the car and drive to catch her. She would jump 6 foot fences while we were at work and then need to get bailed out of the “pound” because someone 1/2 a mile away found her. Only get a German Shorthaired Pointer if you have acreage and a lot of patience.

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  41. I have not laughed this hard in many days. Oh my. I was still laughing over you finding Winston The Doggy Hunter when Marvin showed up with the Verizon network behind him. I thought I was going to pee myself.
    Oh and too? “Big Hair home…” “Who?” You SLAY me.

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  42. I don’t know why I find it so dang funny, but you’re animal talking lines? HiLARious! “Big Hair home. Maybe she feed us.” I’m still chuckling.

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  43. “that Refrigerator person” is William Perry. And how does this non-football loving person know it? My in-laws and husband were just talking about him on Sunday. Don’t you wish I would say everything I need to in ONE stinkin’ comment instead of coming back in here every 4 minutes with a new one? Good night now. For real. Won’t make another comment. Backing away slowly.

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  44. Lula is going to be the next Lassie. I am sure of it. The boy hugging her after her long journey home sealed the deal. This story also made me think of E.T. for some reason. Can’t quite put my finger on that one.
    The picture of Marvin and The Hood is too much. Tooooo uch, I tell ya.
    Yep, this one had me BELLY laughing…hard.

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  45. Well, yeah. Also, all the other dogs using my invention would get sucked on, too. IT’S A NEW INVENTION! I’M STILL WORKING THE KINKS OUT, DOUBTY SHANA O!

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  46. If the magnet is strong enough to suck up your dog, wouldn’t you have all of the mailboxes and shit in the neighborhood flying at you when you whipped it out? Just wondering.

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  47. Looks to me like she’s saying, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a dog bone”.
    And by the way, I loved the story!

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  48. BTW that Joe Namath was H*O*T.I’d like to be his lil’ pigskin!I’m talkin’ drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life!

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  49. Ha ha. This post is hilarious.
    I know your pain. My dog is pretty good except for sneaking out the front door. When she does, she’s GONE. Thankfully, she always comes back. Then she looks at me with a look very similar to that one that Tallulah’s giving you and I forget why I’m mad.

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  50. So, to be honest, I usually skim the dog posts, because, to be honest (again), I HATE PETS!! (In my house — in your house they’re fine. Maybe.)
    But this was stinkin’ funny, and I have extended the Cult of June from Stumble to Twitter.
    Long Live the June!!
    All Hail the June!
    (and, go, Tallulah! or something)

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  51. I don’t know why my mama named me that, couldn’t she tell I was more of a “Rhett, you just kiss my ass good and hard!” kind of person.I swear that Tallulah nothin’ but Bolo and water for that chick.

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  52. She came home to Tara…Tara where she gets her strength…and as God is her witness she’ll never go hungry again. Fiddle de de – Nancy

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  53. Best night of LuLas whole life so far I bet!
    She should write about her adventures. “What it means to be free,” by Tallulah Gardensalad.
    You could enter it in an essay contest for Amnesty International, or the Humane Society or some such place. June, you could proof read it for her! We need to find her a publisher…

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