Have you gotten your dad anything for Father's Day yet? I mean, if you have a dad or if you're speaking to your dad or any other politically incorrect thing I forgot to include in that rather assumy-pants question.
My father has the nerve to have his birthday on June 17th, which is almost always three-and-a-half minutes before Father's Day. Which means I have to get him TWO gifts every year.
Blurry Dad. Don't even ask about the outfit. I was having a pink party.
This year for his birthday, which is today, he wanted cowboy boots because he lives in New Mexico now and apparently he is doing as the Romans do, or the New Mexicanites do, or whatever they call themselves in New Mexico. Why don't we call the other Mexico Old Mexico if we have a New Mexico? Why would a state name itself after a whole country? Why didn't they call themselves New Jalisco or something?
So, my Aunt Mary and I each sent him a check toward the purchase of new cowboy boots, which really isn't very exciting and I still don't know what I'm getting him for Father's Day, which is three and a half minutes away.
Now, I also have a stepfather, and he has written a book. For Christmas, I proofread and lightly edited his book and told him once he approved the corrections I would make the edits.
My stepfather. He's the one who isn't me, or Marvin, or my mother. Don't tell me my hair looks good. I could afford $300 haircuts at John Freida salon then.
It took him seventeen milliseconds to approve my edits, and I swear to you my Christmas tree was not even DOWN and he had that book mailed back to me.
Then guess who forgot all about it? Guess who put all those papers in a closet and never gave them another thought because she was busy thinking about myself? Guess who put that book out of her mind until the other day when he sent a very polite email saying, "Um. I got a publisher for the book. Were you thinking you'd EVER send me those DING and also DANG corrections?"
So there I was, with the perfect Father's Day gift for my stepfather. He is the least materialistic person you ever met, and this would be perfect, even though it's cheating because it's really the second half of his Christmas gift.
Anyway, after many agonizing hours, I have just made those corrections and HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, HARRY!
Since I was so busy toiling over this book, I asked Marvin to run out and get Father's Day cards tonight. He came back with two nice cards–one for his dad and one for my stepfather. I signed them and said, "Okay, I'm ready to sign my father's card."
"What do you mean?" Marvin said. "You just SENT a card to your dad."
"That was his BIRTHDAY CARD," I said. I sent one of those ones that play music when you open them. It played the theme from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Cause it was kind of a cowboy theme due to his boots, see.
I mean, Marvin has known me since 1985. He has seen me do the birthday/Father's Day thing with dad 950 times. WHYYYYYY must that man vex me at every turn? And as I write this, it is 9:08 p.m. There is nowhere on earth to get a card at 9:08 p.m. Plus also I have a headache from editing all day and working on Harry's book all night.
Marvin. Lucky that he is cute. Wow! Look how well Tallulah's reflective leash reflects back there!
So now I not only have no GIFT for dad, I have no timely card, either. Do you think there's any chance dad will forget he has a daughter and not notice the lack of attention on Father's Day? Do you think he'll use those cowboy boots to kick my arse to China, or New China, for being a terrible child?
Suggestions, please! He is as far from a traditional dad as you can get. Think as if Hunter S. Thompson were your dad. Without the whole ashes-shot-out-of-a-cannon thing.