Fathers’ Day

Have you gotten your dad anything for Father's Day yet? I mean, if you have a dad or if you're speaking to your dad or any other politically incorrect thing I forgot to include in that rather assumy-pants question.

My father has the nerve to have his birthday on June 17th, which is almost always three-and-a-half minutes before Father's Day. Which means I have to get him TWO gifts every year.

Dad 001

Blurry Dad. Don't even ask about the outfit. I was having a pink party.

This year for his birthday, which is today, he wanted cowboy boots because he lives in New Mexico now and apparently he is doing as the Romans do, or the New Mexicanites do, or whatever they call themselves in New Mexico. Why don't we call the other Mexico Old Mexico if we have a New Mexico? Why would a state name itself after a whole country? Why didn't they call themselves New Jalisco or something?

So, my Aunt Mary and I each sent him a check toward the purchase of new cowboy boots, which really isn't very exciting and I still don't know what I'm getting him for Father's Day, which is three and a half minutes away.

Now, I also have a stepfather, and he has written a book. For Christmas, I proofread and lightly edited his book and told him once he approved the corrections I would make the edits.

Harold 001

My stepfather. He's the one who isn't me, or Marvin, or my mother. Don't tell me my hair looks good. I could afford $300 haircuts at John Freida salon then.

It took him seventeen milliseconds to approve my edits, and I swear to you my Christmas tree was not even DOWN and he had that book mailed back to me.

Then guess who forgot all about it? Guess who put all those papers in a closet and never gave them another thought because she was busy thinking about myself? Guess who put that book out of her mind until the other day when he sent a very polite email saying, "Um. I got a publisher for the book. Were you thinking you'd EVER send me those DING and also DANG corrections?"

So there I was, with the perfect Father's Day gift for my stepfather. He is the least materialistic person you ever met, and this would be perfect, even though it's cheating because it's really the second half of his Christmas gift.

Anyway, after many agonizing hours, I have just made those corrections and HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, HARRY!

Since I was so busy toiling over this book, I asked Marvin to run out and get Father's Day cards tonight. He came back with two nice cards–one for his dad and one for my stepfather. I signed them and said, "Okay, I'm ready to sign my father's card."

"What do you mean?" Marvin said. "You just SENT a card to your dad."

"That was his BIRTHDAY CARD," I said. I sent one of those ones that play music when you open them. It played the theme from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Cause it was kind of a cowboy theme due to his boots, see.

I mean, Marvin has known me since 1985. He has seen me do the birthday/Father's Day thing with dad 950 times. WHYYYYYY must that man vex me at every turn? And as I write this, it is 9:08 p.m. There is nowhere on earth to get a card at 9:08 p.m. Plus also I have a headache from editing all day and working on Harry's book all night.

Marvin

Marvin. Lucky that he is cute. Wow! Look how well Tallulah's reflective leash reflects back there!

So now I not only have no GIFT for dad, I have no timely card, either. Do you think there's any chance dad will forget he has a daughter and not notice the lack of attention on Father's Day? Do you think he'll use those cowboy boots to kick my arse to China, or New China, for being a terrible child?

Suggestions, please! He is as far from a traditional dad as you can get. Think as if Hunter S. Thompson were your dad. Without the whole ashes-shot-out-of-a-cannon thing.

Advertisements

Author: June

At one point, I was sort of hot, in a "she's 27 and probably a 7" kind of a way. Now I'm old and have to develop a charming personality. Guess how that's going.

52 thoughts on “Fathers’ Day”

  1. Dear not-very-careful-reader Sleeping Beauty,
    Please refer to the paragraph where I write “As I write this it is 9:08 p.m.” I set this to post today. So I wouldn’t drive everyone crazy with two posts in one day.

    Like

  2. I fall in the non-inventive gift-giver category (I’ve sent the same box of Omaha Steaks to my dad for three years). And forget sending cards…I still have the card for my brother’s 40th birthday. He recently celebrated his 46th.

    Like

  3. Well, I am posting this at 4:55 a.m., New Mexico time. Because, yes, I am in New Mexico. And, yes, we do have express mail delivery way out here. Just so every father can indeed receive his Father’s Day card and gift on time. (Ahem.) And yes, cowboy boots and bolo ties are considered formal wear.
    My father? Who’s 91? Getting a computer. So he can buy himself some cowboy boots online.

    Like

  4. Dear Roxie’s Mom,
    Are you good-looking and/or single? Maybe you could show up on dad’s doorstep and say,”I’m your gift from June!”
    How far are you from Albuquerque?

    Like

  5. Write a mini book chronicling the road trips taken with your father.
    A GC for an adventure. Go carts (they have some that go 60 mph now!). Canopy zip line tour.
    A pedicure because even men should have pretty feet.
    Find yourself a coupon code and send him omaha steaks. I hear Texan men love their beef.
    Good luck!

    Like

  6. DANG IT JUNE! My mom is from New Mexico (well kind of… her family moved there when she was 14, from NEW YORK [I guess they had a thing with “new” states] and she moved back there after she and my father divorced). My aunt (who is SINGLE and probably around your dad’s age) lives in Albuquerque. Hhmmmm….. I can see it now: “We met through the internet. His daughter has a blog and… her neices read my daughter’s blog and… (now both speaking together, looking at one another lovingly) and they brought us together on Father’s Day.” What will we wear to the “moving in together dinner???

    Like

  7. Dear Bad-Idea-How-Can-She-Be-So-Insulting-Yet-So-Ding-Dang-Funny-All-At-The-Same-Time-June:
    Why, yes, I am good-looking and/or single, since either would seem to do in a pinch. And, as you know, I have a particularly fetching puppy, Roxie Di Hart. And I fear I am not far enough away from (and yet not in) Albuquerque.
    But, alas, Jan’s Aunt already has her backstory and fan club assembled. You sleep, you weep.

    Like

  8. I think that’s supposed to be: “you snooze, you lose.” Whatever. It’s early out here. Time to take the dog for a walk. Whether she wants to go or not.

    Like

  9. But back to the gift suggestions… does he need the bolo tie as well? What about a wine of the month club membership? Would he want more money toward the cowboy boot fund? What about a cowboy hat?
    Uh… I’m tapped out.
    I call my dad on father’s day and the phone is typically answered by one of two “ladies” he lives with. (yes, you read that right.) Whoever answers typically tells me one of the following:
    1. He’s at the lake fishing.
    2. He’s at the Moose with insert friend’s name here.
    3. He’s sleeping.
    When I do eventually talk to him he is usually drunk, drunk, drunk, drunk and we are on the phone for approximately 2.3 minutes.

    Like

  10. I am no help. My ding-dang husband has the nerve to be born on June 15th. EVERY. YEAR. is is like death trying to find him something for both the birthday and father’s day. Add to that he’s the hardest person to shop for.
    Maybe I’ll tell him to write a book and that I’ll edit it. HA!

    Like

  11. I can one up you. My father’s birthday is June 20 (of course, I completely forgot that until this morning. d’oh!) So his birth is almost always the same weekend as father’s day.
    My mother’s birthday is always a week or so after Mother’s Day.
    I’m cheap- and just get them one card and one gift. I’m an AWESOME daughter.

    Like

  12. If it were me I’d call him like 10 times during the course of the day, making sure that they were times when he would be eating, sleeping or in the bathroom. Nothing says love like being a pain in the butt!

    Like

  13. Well June one suggestion would be that you could tell your Dad that as a special tribute to him you are celebrating the Australian Fathers’ Day this year .. it is in September. Gives you more time to buy and post cards and gifts. :o)

    Like

  14. Well, June, it sounds like Jan’s Dad has a harem, so I guess you could get one for your father, too. Isn’t there a Big Box Store that could handle that? Harems’R’Us? Maybe they’d deliver and install — you know, that “White Glove Service” you hear about. Probably costs extra, but that’s the price you pay for having a first husband who’d rather take a nap with the dog (what a Daddy’s Girl that Tallulah is — did she get Marvin a Father’s Day card? gift?) than scour the countryside looking for a 24-hour drugstore with a pathetic card selection, like your second husband will.

    Like

  15. i’m confused… not only by the outfit your father is wearing in the above photo, but by the fact you are kinda trying to find him some ladies?! didn’t he give you permission to write about his current “love” or has she been booted out?
    Hmmmmm….
    also: i think the best gift would be for you to drive over there with a giant bonfire & burn his clothes!

    Like

  16. And a harem would surely beat out those three year old steaks that Carpoolqueen’s sending her father.

    Like

  17. June, you have the best commenters! And since they have this whole Father’s Day gift thing covered, I believe I’m not off the hook.
    But I’ll still tell you that I hear ya on the two parent holidays close together. My mom’s birthday is May 21 – you know, the week after Mother’s Day? And unlike my dad, who couldn’t give two rips about a present, she has very high expectations for how we show our love. Ah, family. 🙂

    Like

  18. I’m trying to figure how good ol’ Marv has seen you send two cards 970 times in only a 24-year period…
    Sadly my dad has passed, but I do have a great stepdad…a case of beer and a couple scratch off lottery tickets will make him happy.
    I got a typed Word document from my daughter that says, “…you will be loved forevere…” She is the greatest eight-year old evere…

    Like

  19. My husband has a birthday on the 27th. Every single year it’s the same thing; coming up with a Father’s Day gift and a coordinating birthday gift. It used to be a suit for Father’s Day and then the shirt, tie, etc. for birthday. Then I got cheap and lazy.
    He keeps telling me he doesn’t want anything, doesn’t need anything and will be much happier if our bank account will increase rather than decrease. So I get the idea that he doesn’t want me to buy him anything.
    Now, I make things instead of buying them. There is nothing your father will want more than a hand-knit scarf or socks or hat or whatever it is you currently have on those knitting needles we haven’t heard a flipping thing about in ages!
    When you present him a hand-made with love scarf/socks/hat with that big-eyed look like Oliver (Please sir, I want some more!) it will be the best gift he has ever been gifted with.
    I say, “Get those needles to clacking! Make that man something! He obviously has no taste judging by the outfit so whatever you make will be an improvement!”
    p.s. I also love your commenters. It sure sets the standard high for the rest of us!

    Like

  20. Hi Junie,
    Instead of a card, send your Dad an e-card from Rubber Chicken Cards. They’re totally right up his alley.
    Also, Uncommongoods.com has fabulous, off-beat gifts.
    Hope this is helpful!
    My Dad is getting a card. Period. He didn’t even thank me for the gift I sent for his birthday, so poop on him. I’m a terrible daughter.

    Like

  21. Get your Dad some boot socks. Go on line and order from Boot Barn they will ship timely. Or send him one of those annoying Monk-E-Mails.

    Like

  22. Wow, your dad is like a combination of Truman Capote and Jimmy Buffett in that there black and white tropical outfit…and maybe just a little Kenny Rogers. I can’t really even get past that photo to the rest of the post.

    Like

  23. I’m with Lenette – get him the mountain wolf t-shirt (and print out the review so he knows where to wear it for its proper effect). Uh oh, now I’ve forgotten your little clue for affect/effect and don’t know if I’ve used the right word.

    Like

  24. June,
    Your commenters are so funny that I am intimidated to post. But I will anyway.
    At one point my parents lived in an RV. They were doing the “retirees exploring the USA” gig. So all gifts had to be consumable. It’s still a good idea, even though they have a real house now in the land-of-retirees (aka New Florida. Or is Florida really New New Jersey? I get confused.). This Father’s Day my dad is getting 5 lbs of Coffee Rio candy. I got him hooked on it during my last visit, but they don’t have a Trader Joe’s near them, so he can’t get it easily. Mwah ha ha. I have gift options for months now.
    All the best,
    Juice

    Like

  25. My mom’s birthday is May 15th so I understand about the 3.5 seconds you get in between cards and gifts.
    I received my package in the mail from the giveaway and posted about it on my blog! Thanks!

    Like

  26. OK, so cutest picture ever. Was that posed? Doesn’t look like it but even if I walked around with a camera in my hand 24×7 – because, y’know, who needs to sleep? – I couldn’t capture a candid shot like that.
    So, card options – buy one today? Make one – hello, throwback to a simpler time. Send a series of ecards with hints on the gift. Are there any dude ranches in his area that he could scuff his boots up at? You could get a gift certificate for a “spa” day at one of those….

    Like

  27. It’s not too late to get a card in the mail. How about a Home Depot gift card? Do they have Home Depots in New Mexico?

    Like

  28. With my dad it’s all about the consumables – for his birthday in May I sent a big box of weird and delicious Japanese candies (coffee jelly, anyone?) so for Father’s Day it was nine really yummy pears from Harry and David.

    Like

  29. I don’t know what you all are complaining about with the birthday/Father’s Day proximity. Hubs’ birthday is right before FD, too, and I love it because everything guy related is on SALE!!
    And whatever you get him, don’t make it season tickets to NMSU Aggies football. They stink. The team, not the tickets. I guess he lives in UNM Lobo country, anyhow, so never mind.
    Finally, send him a card from Jibjab.com. There are lots on there that you can personalize with either his face or yours. I sent one to my brother once featuring him, my sister, self and parents doing the can-can. They seem like they would be right up his alley.
    ~with love from Las Cruces, NM

    Like

  30. This has absolutely nothing to do with this post, but I’m reading some of your old posts and just came across the kittens outside your office last October. And how you named the one you found in the gutter Amy Winehouse. You have no idea how hi-freaking-LARious this is to me. My husband thinks I’m a nutjob, sitting here cackling like, well, a nutjob, but I’ve been talking about getting dogs and naming them Jessica Simpson and Pierce Brosnan, cuz how random is that, and here I find a post about a kitten named Amy Winehouse. And she lives in the GUTTER. I’m dying over here!!! I heart you, June. Super glittery puffy heart you.

    Like

  31. How about a heartfelt, sweet (yeah, I KNOW but work with me here) blog post, a link, and a promise that his “actual” gift is in the mail. (Whatever you decide that should be.) And YES – call him eleventy billion times during the day. He’ll be so sick of hearing from you that he’ll forget all about his late (or non-existent) gift. That’s all I can come up with after working twelve hours today. Oh. If he’s still a hippie, pot is always welcome. Illegal, but welcome. Gawd, I’m tard down.

    Like

  32. June, I am in the same boat. My father’s birthday is June 20th. EVERY year I go through the same damn panic stricken days leading up to these holidays because I procrastinate. I spent 2 hours surfing the web yesterday trying to come up with a clever gift that would make it there in time. I actually became so desperate that I came two seconds close to sending him a dozen yellow roses! How lame is that? I ended up sending an assortment of fruit, uts, and stuff from Harry and David. I was exhausted by the time I was done.
    No ideas from my end, I’m spent. (I hate that expression, “spent”)
    Good luck

    Like

  33. Tell him you CAN’T buy him a gift because you’re not spending any money this year!
    … Wait, I think you already used that one. 🙂

    Like

  34. I neglected to get Father’s Day cards myself this year. I think it has something to do with the fact that my mom NEVER got her Mother’s Day gift that I mailed. I think there is a mail thief in Saginaw and I don’t want my $10 cards to fall prey to said thief. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I should get my ass over to Walgreen’s tonight and get some.

    Like

  35. Well, I was my father’s first father’s day gift as I was born ON father’s day. As for Father’s, I have one and a hubby. Either of them are even remotely simple to buy for. I have to say that I kinda feel like ya gotta give a gift no matter what. So, what do you get? How about another donation to the boots? Gosh, don’t ask me. I’m the most uninspired person for gifts. A bottle of tequila? Okay, don’t ask me. LOL. Good luck though.

    Like

  36. Wish I could help. I have a husband whose birthday is 6-13, always right around Father’s Day. He could compete with your stepfather for least materialistic person, seriously. I got him half a dozen cds for his birthday, there are a few more I couldn’t find, but oops, I forgot to order from Amazon. Now he says he could use a car battery charger – how exciting!
    Maybe you could order some bootholders for your dad’s new boots, they are things that you put your boots on that hold them upside down, keeping the top parts from being all floppy the way they would be if you just set them in the closet as is. And also, I think scorpions would be less inclined to cozy up into boots stored in this manner.

    Like

  37. This spa near Taos is cool http://www.elmontesagrado.com/ get him a gift cert.
    Send him a photo of boots with some boot money. He needs to try them on in person (don’t order online).
    Buy him a gonzo shirt.
    Gonzo the dvd is excellent!
    There’s a lrg Sikhs community near him – send him an all white outfit + white turban.

    Like

  38. Seriously! Your husband is a 5th grade teacher and NEITHER of you even thought to break out the construction paper and markers and MAKE A CARD???? For full affect (awe jeez, effect? No I think it’s affect) you need to sign the cats’ and dog’s names.
    The wolf shirt idea is a scream!!!
    My dad’s lucky to get a card. Maybe this year I’ll include a pack of smokes.

    Like

  39. June-
    This is strange, our birthdays are about the same time, and our dads birthdays are also at about the same time. Are we twins or something???
    I say send your dad a stripper, I think they will take a credit card over the phone.
    Moo

    Like

  40. Since my ding and danged computer is on the fritz and I am forced to wait until my husband arrives home with his laptop, I am late to the party. Thank goodnes my sister happens to be commentor, “Jan”, and she filled me in on this post at the unGodly hour of 7:45am.
    When our Aunt and June’s Dad are united in wedded bless, you will all be invited to the virtual reception being held in their honor. Only the best for June’s following….top shelf for everyone!!! Open Bar! Beyonce will be on the main stage and in honor of the hippies being joined in wedded bliss, a Mamas and the Papas Tribute band.
    I look forward to virtually welcoming you all to the party!

    Like

  41. If you send one now a carrier pigeon with a note attached may get there in time.
    And my dad’s birthday is the 27th, 3.5 minutes in the opposite direction for father’s day. We should start a therapy group.

    Like

  42. I’m thinking a red convertible with a trunk full of drugs, and a trip to Vegas.
    I’m one of those mothers who had the nerve to be born a week or so after mothers’ day. I usually end up getting the combo present. And somehow I always feel like I should apologize for being born so close to mothers’ day.
    While we’re on the subject, Mrs. Proofreader, is it Father’s Day or Fathers’ Day? I usually see it written “Father’s Day”, but wouldn’t that indicate that it was just one father? I thought if we were refering generally to all fathers, it would be “Fathers’ Day.” Please discuss.

    Like

  43. It is Father’s Day, because technically we each have one father. I made it Fathers’ on my post because I was talking about two.

    Like

Comments are closed.