Nectarines, ganja, Hee Haw, one-word answers

Seriously annoyed that my nectarines aren't ripe yet. I did the thing where I bought a bunch of ripe ones and practically ate them all before I got home from the store, and then I bought some unripe ones (that can't be the right word. Unripe. What is it? Did I ever tell you I have a degree in English?) that I put in a paper bag to ripen. And yet? Tonight? Hard. Hard as Chinese algebra.

So we had the work party today and I am pleased to announce my pea salad was a hit! I was so worried no one would take mine, given that the other people on the committee actually, you know, cook, and each one of them made a salad, but at the end of the soiree the pea salad was gone.

You should have seen me trying to cook last night. "Where is the CUTTING BOARD? Is it in the attic? Crap. It is. (clomp clomp clomp). Oh, crap. Do we even own any salt and pepper? Crap!"

Lot of crap going on in the kitchen. BUT NOWHERE ELSE. I know. I said I'd drop the subject. But SERIOUSLY. Can you DIE from this?

At any rate, cooking is not relaxing when you do it twice a year.

I hate peas. I never even tried my own creation. Blech. I like pea soup, though. Can you explain that?

Did you ever notice that "ate" is just "eat" with the "e" moved to the beginning? Fascinating. I wonder if whoever invented that word did that on purpose. And no, I am not high on the maryjane. Shut up.

Have you ever smoked the ganja? Do you like it? I did it in college and I hate hate hate hate hate the feeling. It makes me want to crawl into a dark corner where no one can see me for the rest of my life and eat chocolate-covered Doritos. Everyone I hung out with was, like, Cheech Marin, so I was the oddball, with my lack of doobage liking.

Seriously, if it's not UNRIPE, what IS IT? Bugging me.

I like peaches and nectarines equally, but don't give me any of that white peach stuff. Oh, I'd rather mate with Buck Owens then eat a white peach. My grandmother once told me she wouldn't sleep with Buck Owens for a million dollars. My grandmother made like $6,000 a year or something. I don't know why she told me stuff like that. We spent a lot of time together. I think sometimes she forgot I was 8 or whatever.

Do you even know who Buck Owens is? He was on Hee Haw.

Buck_Owens

I mean, peach suit aside, he's not THAT bad that Gramma had such an aversion to him. But let me remind you what Gramma's husband looked like.

Grandfather

Okay, hi. She scored the hot husband. (Is it wrong to say your grandfather was hot?) So I guess I can see where she could get all snooty re Buck Owens.

Heavens, I hope he isn't still alive and Googling himself. Buck Owens, I mean. I'll feel terrible if he finds this.

And don't you feel bad about Ed McMahon? I emailed my special work friend about it. (Do you have a special work friend? The person you talk to the most at work? I always seem to develop a special work friend.) Here went our email exchange:

Me: Did you see Ed McMahon died?
Special Work Friend: Yes.
Me:…Okay. Good talk.

I guess SWF had nothing much to say on the topic. But I liked Ed McMahon. I mean, how could you not? With that hearty laugh and those Publisher's Clearinghouse checks.

I hate to tell you this, but I must sign off from this really meaningful, full-of-any-topic-whatsoever blog post. It is 8:10 and I spent an inordinate amount of time in the back yard with Tallulah after work, having a scintillating conversation that went like this:

Me: Give me that ball. YOU GIVE ME THAT BALL. Give me that ball, girl. Drop it. Drop it. Drop it.
Tallulah: Grrr!

Really, no one wants to talk to me today. Or give me that ball, for that matter.

(Oh. Sorry. Almost forgot. Obligatory Henry below.) (He's HUGE all of a sudden.)
Deskkitty

49 thoughts on “Nectarines, ganja, Hee Haw, one-word answers

  1. VERY sad about Ed McMahon. Classy guy.
    And YES, Grandma did score herself the hottie hubby!
    Now, (Student) Nurse Bronwyn would like to know when was the last time Mrs. Brown went swimming? Might be time to take some serious action. I do not wish to discuss that serious action in public, what with the HIPAA laws. In fact, you’d better forget I even asked you that Mrs. Brown question. Sorry about that.

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  2. I was going to say, “Not yet ripe,” but what do I know?
    When I was in college, I loved me some ganja. Should I admit that on the internets? Oh well, it’s not like my mom is ever going to read this. In fact, a year ago, an old college roommate came to town and he brought some lovely weed with him and we smoked ourselves silly. Is that something I should admit on the internets? I guess it doesn’t matter, everyone that knows me knows I’m a little crazy anyway.
    Hi Henry!

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  3. never smoked a tiny speck of any of that in my entire life & i’m 40! when the police came to take my ex (thank GOD) husband away they found it all over him, of course i had NO idea…. always thought it was weird he sat on the couch eating loaves of bread & laughing when the tv wasn’t on…

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  4. So, very gender-vague on the work friend! Hmm…..??
    I agree – it’s unripened. Did you try a brown paper bag?
    And clearly Henry is trying to send you a message….he would like some food and water put in those yellow/white bowls on the top of the desk, please. Convenience is everything to a growing kitten.

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  5. Dear Blocked Up June:
    I tend to have a similar problem with the Browns not wanting to be dropped off at the pool. Have you tried onion soup? Warm apple cider? Those are my go-tos for not going twos.

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  6. I just visualized Buck Owens “Googling himself.” Yuk.
    The picture of your Grandpa spooked me for an instant. He looks identical to a picture of my husband’s father. He was killed in Vietnam, and there is a picture of him in his uniform that looks just like the one you posted. Very handsome.

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  7. Too funny…. I read the first part of your post to my husband, and stopped after the whole “eat,ate” thing and said… “I think the woman who’s writing this post must be stoned right now…”

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  8. Oh, and yes, I smoked a little ganga. I was one of those that coughed and coughed and choked, and coughed some more. It made me laugh my head off, and I could not for the life of me follow a conversation! I once convinced a high friend that he was actually smoking oregano just to mess with him.
    I am amazed that you admit this on a blog that Mother and Other Mama read. DEAR GAWD, JUNE!

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  9. Ed McMahon will be sorely missed. I don’t remember a time when he wasn’t somewhere on tv…
    hmmm…I always called unripened fruit “green” but,heck, I grew up in the boonies surrounded by backward tobacco-chewin’ hicks so what do I know.
    Buck Owens definately doesn’t even register on the same scale with Gramma’s catch!
    Looks to me like Henry is positioning himself as King of the roost. Yep, King Henry, his name fits him well! LOL

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  10. Never smoked a doobie.
    Buck Owens is dead as that furry woodchuck on Kates head.
    Here are 4 words to use for unripe: unready, unripened, green, or immature.
    Grandpa was a hottie.
    Can I still use the saying, “Ed never showed up with the big check so I will go to work today I guess”?

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  11. very sad about ed mcmahon, what with me never getting to win publisher’s clearinghouse checks and all.
    so, this work party… is this the 4th of july work party that you needed song suggestions for? or a different one? if it’s a different one, are you all really having 2 parties within 2 weeks of each other? if it’s the same one, why is the 4th of july party so ding (and danged) early?

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  12. Nobody offered my the ganja. Well not until my late 20s and it was my husband’s aunt.
    Gloom, despair, and agony on me.
    (That’s a Hee Haw reference)
    I too was saddened by Ed McMahon’s passing. Wondering if I will ever be worth 200 million dollars and still get foreclosed on….Is Johnny on DVD, because that would be really relaxing to watch old Tonight Shows while falling asleep, or maybe it would diminish all of my warm fuzzy memories.
    Anyway, best wishes.

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  13. I was a lousy pot smoker because I tended to forget and smoke the joint like it was a cigarette and overdid and suddenly found I had been talking non-stop and forgetting to breathe sort of like this sentence except I am NOT high now but only drinking my morning coffee.
    I was never a huge fan of Ed McMahon, but I was very sad to see he had died. End of an era, I guess. It was bad enough when Johnny died.
    Yup, Grandpa is a looker. That isn’t the best photo of Buck (not that I have the slightest romantic interest in him). But given the choice, go for Grandpa.
    The Spouse comes from a long line of Hee Haw watchers on his mother’s side. I do not. His father’s side of the family is Dunkard, which is like Mennonite-lite, and they did not permit teevees. But when he died (tragically), my MIL, who was only Dunkard-By-Marriage, backslid her sinful ass right over to the K-Mart to get herself a teevee because, you know. Hee Haw was on.

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  14. Cherries are in season, girlfriend, and (judging by the lovely turd my nudist 2 year old left on my living room FLOOR) they work. Also, you don’t want to eat cherries and corn too close together. Just don’t.
    Furthermore, your Gramps is a dead ringer for my husband. You must post a picture of the aged version so I know what I’ve got comin’. Our Army folk wear the uber-stylin’ berets though. Really, they just look like green wool pancakes on heads.
    I am too young for everything else, so I will just smile and nod.

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  15. i smoked doobage firsy, so i neer was a good cigarette smoker. i just wanted to take a deep hit of some virginia slim and listen to led zepplin, plus a half-smoked fag doesn’t get any better- and it wouldn’t fit in my feather-festooned roach clip.
    is buck owen’s suit peach, or more of a nectarine color, or maybe even possibly white peach?
    would grandma have had a three-way with buck owens AND roy clark for a trillion dollars? everyone has their price! somehow they seem like the type of men who would get a chubbie, but never quite a full erection. and they would probably call it a peter.

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  16. I can’t believe I forgot to tell you this! A couple of weeks ago I ran a half-marathon. We had to take a shuttle bus to the starting line, and the last bus there was an hour before the race, so everyone in the race was there milling about for at least an hour, and the organizers were pumping out this loud ass music and someone had made a “running theme” CD. It totally made me think of you and your theme music CDs that you make for the parties at work. I thought you’d like to know you’re not the only one creating theme CDs, in case you thought that. Because I thought that. About you. Not me.

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  17. Well June .. so many things to consider with this blog. I really wanted to mention that if you want to ripen stone fruit quicker that usual you should place them in a brown paper bag with an over ripe banana .. don’t know why .. my mum just told me that what you do. Also .. plus .. Henry is growing like a weed, seems to get bigger every day.
    Now about your .. ummm .. “other” little problem .. seems strange to me with the extremely-high-fibre-take-away-food diet you are on that you have a problem with all that .. who would have thought that with all the salad on a burger that this would happen .. remember to drink lots of water every day .. and hopefully the Browns are swimming on a daily basis again.

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  18. I tried smoking weed once on my birthday and felt NO effects from it so I was all “I’m too hardcore for you puny drugs losers!” to my friends. They were like screw it, we got you a space cake which you might as well just eat for the cakey goodness.
    I fell asleep for four hours, woke up when they were like dude you’re going to make us late for our dinner reservations. I fell off the bed giggling and was laughing too hard to even get my shoes on so they cancelled dinner and just fed me doughnuts all night.
    Apparently I’m just a crappy smoker.

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  19. Dear Whoever-asked-this-question-I-am-in-too-much-of-a-hurry-to-scroll-up-and-look,
    It wasn’t a 4th of July party, per se. We would never just have a party at my work to, you know, HAVE A PARTY. It is a quarterly meeting that we have with the whole marketing/advertising department, which is about 50 people, where the big cheeses tell us the state of the company. Also to acknowledge whomever had birthdays that quarter.
    Those of us on the party-planning committee just make the theme about whatever holiday is closest.
    People asked me the same question at the why-are-you-celebrating-St.-Patrick’s-day-so-early party a few months back.

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  20. My Mom always said she would never walk across the street to see Johnny Cash – never had an opinion about Buck Owens.
    I liked the ganja – it is very good for sea sickness and I used to live in FLA,
    Oh and I am listening to a book on tape you’d love – The Art of Racing in the Rain – it is written with the dog as the narrator – awesome book!

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  21. Ok… Since Sunday is within the wide realm of “normal”, and, however bizarre it seems, so is the week thing, but the week is at the outer limits of normal, and if it were me, it would be Siberia.
    I think you need to eat some of those unripened peaches, with a lot of water. It’s a bad idea to start taking laxatives as a regular thing, but I have had good luck with something called Senna Tea, you can buy it at most of the fancy type grocery stores in their organic section or in their fancy tea section. Now, don’t use this every day. In fact, the effects can be rather… violent, so you might not want to ever again, anyway. In the meantime, maybe some more fiber in the diet. You are supposed to get 20 g of fiber a DAY. An apple has 4 grams. Or taking metamucil or citrucel or something on a regular basis, if you can’t force yourself to eat more fruits and veggies.

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  22. Never smoked weed…I was an ATH-A-LETE!
    Hate green beans, hate cassarole, love green bean cassarole…beat THAT for picky…

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  23. To answer your question, “can you DIE from this?” the answer is YES!!!! It’s called colon cancer. I suggest you start taking some type of high fiber stuff, Konsyil is good, it’s a bit pricey $14 at Wal-Mart, but that’s cheaper than colon cancer any day. Or you can get you some chewable Vitamin C which will help “facilitate” Mrs. Brown to the pool. You will need at least 1,000 mg/day. Take my word, the C will work!
    You are so right, your Grandfather was hot!
    That little Henry is growing like a weed. I’m telling you, if I lived in Greensboro he would be in real danger of being catnapped. Does he think he is in charge?

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  24. Wait. Wouldn’t that be AET?
    At least Buck Owen wasn’t wearing a white peach suit.
    Try prunes. or a Russian enemy (Prune juice and vodka…Mr. Hot swears it works.)
    Thanks for Henry. And the laugh. 😉

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  25. In addition to all the other advice regarding your bowels, all I have to say is:
    Coffee. Coffee. and some more Coffee.
    I love Henry along with everyone else. But I also love all your pets. I have a very soft spot for Miss Tallulah. She would be a great companion for my Ernest T. Bass. Shall I send photos? His resume? His D & B report? Arranged marriage appeal to you like it does me?

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  26. Hi Junie,
    The ganga has a similar effect on me; totally paranoid and creepy-crawly. Not pleasant. First (and only) time I tried it I nearly called 911 because I thought I was going to die. Not what you’d call a relaxing time.
    Henry is so tall looking! And lanky.
    Please take some laxatives or something. You’re killing me over here with your lack of poo.

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  27. Let’s see, it is unripened.
    Um I liked Buck Owens but liked Roy Clark more. Grandpa was a hottie so was mine.
    It is something about those smoldering eyes and a man in uniform. Although I’ve never seen a sexy garbage man and ours wear uniforms.
    Cooking is very relaxing to me but then again I iron sheets for the fun of it.
    Never did the doobie, although I did like the Doobie Brothers. I’m allergic to the cannabis. It makes me naseus and break out in hives which is pretty bad since my daddy was well, you know a cop. So he always knew when I had been around it. Still to this day I can smell it a mile away.
    Did you get some prunes?

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  28. And, I agree on white peaches. They look utterly anemic, and like they would taste like cardboard. I’ve tried them, and they are not good, to me.
    Ganja, on the other hand, I quite enjoyed, back in the day. It’s been a waaaay long time, though. I loved the giggles…. Can’t do it now, or I’d never get a job when I graduate this nursing gig.

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  29. Tee, I can’t believe you just told the Queen of Hypochondria that she could get cancer. That’s just mean, you know better than to do that!!
    June, are you still on your cutting-back-on-caffeine thing? LisaPie’s right, you need your morning coffee. If I don’t have mine I have the exact same problem you’re having. Even half-caf works.

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  30. I was going to tell you to put a banana with the nectarines but I see someone else got there first. It really does work for hurrying the ripening of any fruit.
    I used to smoke weed at college but after I hit about 22 I suddenly hated it. I also stopped liking getting really drunk. Any out-of-control-ness scares me now. I think I grew up or something!

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  31. That was my point! Some times you just have to use the old shock treatment. The lack of Mrs. Brown at the pool is not a good thing. According to Dr. Oz one needs to have the Browns at the pool every day, preferably twice a day. I saw this on Oprah, so it has to be so. I’m just saying this is not good and you have to get those Browns to the pool every. single. day. I just know an unhealthy colon is no fun and one must not ignore those unhealthy things in one’s daily routine, if you know what I mean. You need to poop more, a lot more. Only more fiber, a lot more, will help this unhealthy situation. I just don’t want you to have another health scare, it’s just too hard on you–and the rest of us.

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  32. Your “chocolate-covered doritos” comment made me laugh out loud.
    Your white peaches vs. Buck Owens comment made me laugh until I cried, and couldn’t breathe, and I was making that old man wheezing sound with my nearly-silent laugh.
    That is how funny you are. And I will always vote for you.

    Like

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