In which I invent the word “orificles.” What say you?

Lu
(I swear the floor does not need sweeping, it needs repainting. This floor vexes me.)

I just got home from work and immediately went outside with Tallulah. Now that Marvin is not working all summer, Tallulah no longer spends her days at dog day care. When I get home she is dying dying dying to go outside and play.

(I think Marvin's dog-care skills rank right up there with how I babysat. Which is to say, I called my boyfriend Kevin and talked on the phone while occasionally glancing up to see if poison was being consumed.

I think Marvin is totally talking to Kevin. I do not see that Lula is being intellectually or physically challenged while he is in charge. So, you know, if we got ANOTHER PUPPY, Lula would be amused and Marvin could pay even less attention to her. Don't you think? Like, maybe a nice Great Dane puppy. In a 1950s ranch-style house with three cats and a 50-pound dog already here. I think that'd be roomy and enjoyable. What say you?)

At any rate, whilst playing with the dog I had the back door open, because I'm your back door man, and it didn't take long for Henry to wander out.

Love

An old photo but a good one. This is basically what Tallulah did 24 hours a day when Henry was tiny.

I do not want Henry to be an outdoor cat. I was emailing with Faithful ReaderAnnieology about this today. At least I think I was having that conversation with her. I also emailed with Faithful Readers Hulk, bell, KW, and Erin. Maybe I should try working at work and not emailing with Faithful Readers all day. What say you?

So, as I was saying to someone who I think was Annieology, outdoor cats have reduced life expectancy of 67%, they kill birds even though they're well-fed inside, they poop in other yards. You know. It's just generally not a stellar idea. But Winston goes outside, I am sorry to tell you, and of course Tallulah goes in and out 97 times a day. So Henry's all, "Hey! What doing? Henry like door!"

And plus not to mention I take him out every night to look at fireflies. He sits on my lap and whips his head all over the place. He loves him the fireflies.

So what am I teaching him? I am teaching him it's FUN beyond the door! There are lit bug butts and laps and warm breezes and safety! Good job, self.

Therefore, when I saw him wander outside where Lula and I were playing, I held him up just like he hates and snapped his picture.

Outsidekit

Seriously? Looks like he couldn't care less that I picked him up. He looks like he's checkin' for fireflies, if you ask me. "Oh. You lifting Henry? Bug buttz out yet?"

How bad do you hate my cat dialect? How much do you want to drive something large and sharp up my orificles? What say you?

My cat woes aside, I do need your help. My friend Paula, the one I got up with in Asheville, as they say here, is coming here September 3 with some of her gay posse. I offered to make dinner for them, and as you know I have my one dish–lasagna. Which usually works, and it DOES work for Paula, who is the pickiest eater you have ever met in your life. When she was a kid the only things her mom could get her to eat were heads of lettuce and coffee. I am not making that up.

So, the fact that Paula likes lasagna and it's all I know how to make is nothing short of miraculous. But one of her friends is a vegetarian. So, yeah, I'll have salad and bread, but what else can I serve him? Don't go gettin' all souffle-y on me, or suggest tofu anything. This is the person who wasn't sure she owned salt and pepper when she made pea salad the other day, remember? Oh, and he's super healthy, too, so he wouldn't be going for some mayo-laden pea salad, either.

What say you? Are you sick of me saying "What say you?" yet? What say you to that? What say you about voting for me in that contest, which I PROMISE is over in less than two weeks? I am back in fourth place. What say you about that? Are you gonna try to go in and remove your votes because I won't stop asking you what you say?

Okay, bye.

P.S. What say you?

41 thoughts on “In which I invent the word “orificles.” What say you?

  1. Oh, June. You slay me. I’m giggling and my husband thinks I’m nuts. The phrase “What say you?” always makes me think of Lord of the Rings, that scene where Aragorn (swoon) is in the mountain with the ghosts, asking them to fight for Gondor. I don’t know if you’re a fan of the films or not, so if you’re not you have no idea what I’m talking about. But that’s ok.
    Click on over to my blog for a look at what happens when you have two dogs. My two have known each other for nine days. And they never stop with the wrestling.
    I have no suggestions for the vegetarian, besides the bread and salad you already mentioned. I’ve heard of people using eggplant in lasagna instead of meat, but…well, it just doesn’t sound right to me.

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  2. I say keep Henry inside. My last kitty, Gilroy got eaten by a coyote so I have had no more kitties. The sad thing is my last lap dog Harry Weiner got eaten by a coyote too so from now on all my small animals are locked in the house and duct taped to the wall when the doors are opened. The problem is it gets really smelly inside what with all the cat and dog hair and poop duct taped to the wall.
    Oh you can make meetless lasagna. I use chopped spinach in mine. Everyone loves it, but for some reason they walk around singing “I’m strong to the finish, cause I eat my spinach” and have really big forearms.

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  3. Definitely do the vegetarian lasagna. It’s delish.
    Our cats have always been the outdoorsy types and they have quite the longevity. Just sayin’. Plus, I DESPISE the litter box.

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  4. LOL Please keep Henry inside the house and a Mayo jar so he doesn’t get any bigger!
    Here’s a tasty appetizer with minimal prep and is oh so yummy!
    Pita bread cut into triangles
    Tomatoes sliced
    Cucumber sliced
    Kalamata olives
    Feta cheese
    Place on the pita bread and enjoy!

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  5. A healthy vegetarian? Ugh. What’s wrong with a poptart or a little Debbie?
    Anyway, I have been a vegetarian for many years so I think I can give you some tips!
    Veggie burgers are great and easy to make. Morningstar Farms is my favorite brand. You can put them on the grill, microwave them, or just heat them in a pan. Veggie bacon is also great. Again, Morningstar Farms. Some other things I like to eat are hummus with pita chips, Tabatchnik potato soup, vegetable soup, lots of salad, whole wheat pasta, fresh vegetables, whole wheat bread, and peanut butter.
    Hope that helps.

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  6. Actually we discussed that indoor cats decrease MY life expectancy by 67%.
    I will not give you parenting advice if you don’t give me any, and thanks for the link love:)

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  7. yes, you can buy faux beef and use it in the lasagne. This is good news, because it means you don’t have to learn any new skills!
    Or, you know, just go out to dinner. That *almost* like cooking.

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  8. I say: Don’t buy pets for the pets. It’s a slippery slope.
    My neighbors up the road started with one (1) old German Shepherd. Then they got one (1) Border Collie puppy — I think not so much to keep the German Shepherd company but to cushion the blow for the kids when she died. Which she did.
    They then had a hyperactive Border Collie with nothing to do. So they got two (2) pygmy goats for the Border Collie to herd. Who (the goats) proceeded to have a baby goat. So, one (1) Border Collie, three (3) goats.
    So they got another Border Collie, which resulted in five (5) puppies. And then they got two (2) Pomeranians because their little girl wanted a pet smaller than a Border Collie.
    And then a Vietnamese potbelly pig. Who has grown up thinking it’s a Border Collie.
    So, don’t buy pets for the pets. Or you’ll end up with seven (7) Border Collies, three (3) pygmy goats, two (2) Pomeranians, and one (1) potbelly pig.
    And a partridge in a . . .

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  9. – no the outdoor cat
    – no to the puppy for tallulah
    – yes to the vegetarian lasagne (i put spinach and broccoli in mine) but make sure they are a vegetarian and not vegan or the whole cheese from cow thing will make all your efforts to use veggies in place of meat for nothing.
    -orficles? really?
    😛

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  10. Lasagna is wonderful, fabulous, stupendous with eggplant! That’s how I make it every time. Eggplant, spinach and marinated artichoke hearts, plus, too, also, other ingredients of course. If you make it vegetarian you could even use a smoked mozzarella in parts of it – it adds a whole ‘nother delicious dimension. Or there’s always a veggie quiche, as I believe you are now an expert in the making of all thing quiche.
    No to a pal for Talullah, although I would personally love a Great Dane. Much more work for you. And you already know my thoughts on outdoor kitties….

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  11. He is NOT healthy. He is from North Carolina and insists that tobacco is a food group. So other than the cancer sticks, he will not eat food that is processed, or bought or sold, or bought to be processed…. well, actually, he will. He just won’t eat meat. So you can serve him some cigarettes and tomatoes.

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  12. i think emailing at work is good. or..i dream of a day that a great blogger would think me a faithful reader/commenter that they would drop their hectically bizarro schedule and NEED to email me. or something like that.
    i miss living in the south. fireflies. magicness there.
    dinner – quiche? yum

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  13. I say, “I’ve read those who have been voted for more times than you and I don’t think they’re particularly funny.” Not at all! In fact, I’m probably never going to read their blogs again, that’s how UNfunny they are to me.
    You win in my book, June!

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  14. I’m with the spinach lasagna. WAAY better than with eggplant.
    You could also do a veggie stir-fry over rice. Take em to that big farmer’s market to go sight-seeing and maybe they’ll find veggies they like.

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  15. One more vote for the veggie-laden lasagna. Mine is much like Dottie’s with the addition of shredded carrots. I also shred my eggplant and zucchini. Toss in a bunch of baby spinach leaves and some garlic.
    I thin out my sauce a little bit and never cook my noodles. The thinner sauce is enough liquid to cook the lasagna noodles and save you one more step in the whole process.
    My cats all go outside a few hours every day. They just don’t act right if they don’t get to frolic in the grass and roll in some dirt.
    Good luck with the dinner plans. Mix up some great cocktails ahead of time to ply your guests with and they will love whatever you serve them, meat or otherwise. 🙂

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  16. I was the same type of babysitter. I saw my job as being available to put out any fires and perform CPR. I sat on the couch and read my book or watched teevee while the children ran amok. Or were in bed.
    No on outdoor cats. You tell Henry there are dogs out there who will eat cute little orange kittens. And cars. And feline leukemia.
    Vegetarian, eh? Try “I don’t do carbs.” This is what I live with.
    Can you roast an eggplant and make a dip? Ina Garten has a great eggplant gratin (if you google it you will find it) that is not too hard (use sauce-from-a-jar). And yummy. How about a Spanish omelet . . . potatoes, olive oil, and eggs. With a green salad nice French baguette? (both good with lasagna)

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  17. I vote for the veggie lasagna too. Never made it but I’ve eaten it and it’s good.
    I’m also still voting for you – twice a day when possible. I do NOT understand why these other so-called bloggers (I mean – CAKE WRECKS – really?) are ahead. Makes NO sense to me. You’re number one in MY book, June!
    I need an email at work buddy. I’m about to lose my ever loving mind with boredom at work, dammit. My favorite email at work buddy retired and is now off screwing around in the Bahamas or somewhere. How dare she?
    Speaking of work…time to go. Yes, at 5:45 a.m. GOD.

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  18. I dunno. I thought Cake Wrecks was funny, actually.
    I guess it’s all a matter of taste. Commenters on the other nominees’ blogs are saying I’m not funny. So there you go.
    (Okay, they didn’t single me out, but they keep saying “the other people in the top 5.” Goodness, contests are ugly.)

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  19. If you use frozen spinach in your lasagna, they say to ring the daylights out of it with a dishtowel so it doesn’t ruin everyone’s life with its soggy sogginess. But Rachael Ray says frozen spinach is practically the best buy in the whole grocery store because it is so much spinach for so few dollars. Also I voted for you 4 times yesterday. Even though it cracks me up when Jen at Cake Wrecks uses the word ‘flotsam.’

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  20. I am beside myself with the excitement of getting mentioned in your blog. Head spinning…autograph seekers…media reps…
    Make him/them Green Bean Casserole.

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  21. http://www.smittenkitchen.com has a plethora of vegetarian recipes, most of them pretty simple. If you want to wow them with an easy veggie side dish, do this:
    Cut a couple heads of broccoli into florets and chunks of stem, peeling the stem if it’s hard on the outside. Toss with a drizzle of olive oil and some salt, pepper, and maybe a little minced garlic if you like. Put it all in a baking pan and stick it in the oven with your lasagna, stirring it around after a half hour. In the last ten minutes, sprinkle grated Parmesan all over the stuff. Delicious.

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  22. To add to Barb who suggested the pita appetizer, if you place the pite triangles on a baking sheet, drizzle them with olive oil and a little garlic powder and then bake them until they are brown you get yummy pita chips.

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  23. A really good, easy dessert that would go with lasagna is Edy’s French Silk ice cream drizzled with a little Kahlua. Alcohol adds ambience, just like at frat parties.

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  24. Several things to address here.
    Outdoor vs. Indoor Felines –Indoor there are fewer cars and vicious dogs. That being said, I had a cat named Terrible Tootsie LeRoux who lived to be twenty-one and loved to stay out more than in. She once rode a Rotweiller around the neighborhood, so she could take care of herself. Myshkin, however, lasted only three years indoors. She liked to eat string. Only the last one was attatched to a needle. Sigh.
    Two: Go to http://www.tastespotting.com for vegetarian dishes. It’s a “community driven visual potluck” of all the foodie blogs out there. Gorgeous. Search vegetarian and vegan. Are the people coming ovo-lacto?
    Use portobello mushrooms in place of protein in your lasagna. Meaty and delicious. Also makes a great burger substitute.
    Whew.

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  25. Several things to address here.
    Outdoor vs. Indoor Felines –Indoor there are fewer cars and vicious dogs. That being said, I had a cat named Terrible Tootsie LeRoux who lived to be twenty-one and loved to stay out more than in. She once rode a Rotweiller around the neighborhood, so she could take care of herself. Myshkin, however, lasted only three years indoors. She liked to eat string. Only the last one was attatched to a needle. Sigh.
    Two: Go to http://www.tastespotting.com for vegetarian dishes. It’s a “community driven visual potluck” of all the foodie blogs out there. Gorgeous. Search vegetarian and vegan. Are the people coming ovo-lacto?
    Use portobello mushrooms in place of protein in your lasagna. Meaty and delicious. Also makes a great burger substitute.
    Whew.

    Like

  26. Several things to address here.
    Outdoor vs. Indoor Felines –Indoor there are fewer cars and vicious dogs. That being said, I had a cat named Terrible Tootsie LeRoux who lived to be twenty-one and loved to stay out more than in. She once rode a Rotweiller around the neighborhood, so she could take care of herself. Myshkin, however, lasted only three years indoors. She liked to eat string. Only the last one was attatched to a needle. Sigh.
    Two: Go to http://www.tastespotting.com for vegetarian dishes. It’s a “community driven visual potluck” of all the foodie blogs out there. Gorgeous. Search vegetarian and vegan. Are the people coming ovo-lacto?
    Use portobello mushrooms in place of protein in your lasagna. Meaty and delicious. Also makes a great burger substitute.
    Whew.

    Like

  27. I love your blog and I also read other blogs that I think are very funny. That being said, you are the funniest.
    We have also toyed with the idea of getting another dog for our Max. He has seemed a little lonely ever since Nani passed away but I’m not sure it would be the best thing right now. Too soon. At least Lula has Henry to play with, right?

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  28. Someone (too lazy to scroll up) suggested fake (I assume they mean veggie) “beef” — if you can’t find it in a package like regular ground beef, then buy a box of frozen veggie burgers, thaw them, and crumble them up in place of the meat.
    As a former non-beef-eater (till I got a craving for steak after 7 years of beeflessness), I can vouch for the veggie burgers as a meat substitute. Get the ones that look like real beef burgers though; there are some that are a weird peach color that taste like poo. Avoid the poo-burgers.

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  29. I agree.. emailing @ work is a good thing. I’d love for a popular blogger to care enough about my opinion to email at work (or any time LOL!)! BTW- I couldn’t get annieology’s link to work? Just thought I’d let ya know!

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  30. My first instinct was to suggest grilled chicken. So not the best person to help out with vegetarian meal ideas. I’m wondering what LIW would feed a vegetarian guest – it’s an entertaining way to spend a few minutes.

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  31. Our cat Pesto is 12, she goes outside if she wants when we are home. She is brought inside if we are leaving the house or the sun is starting to set. As a younger cat she would vault over the fence and occasionally come home with a dead mouse or empty hamburger wrapper. She was really especially proud of herself with those wrappers. A little bit of outside per day seems to keep her happy.

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  32. I think Cake Wrecks is amusing too. I just don’t think of it as a blog exactly. To me, a blog is where a person writes…you know…words…and stuff…about their life or whatever. Not just amusing cakes gone bad. But…whatever.

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  33. I once had a friend bring another friend to a bbq I had. The friend of the friend… was vegetarian. Did anybody tell me in advance? NO. The salad had meat in it, the meat had meat in it with a side order of meat. He ate Doritos. I figure if somebody is going to eat twigs and berries, then they should carry their own baggie of twigs and berries to other people’s homes. I would NEVER go to a stranger’s home and expect them to bend over backwards to fix food specifically for ME.
    Henry in the last picture looks very gangsta… “hey yo yo yo” That’s what say he. Er, somethin’.

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  34. I’ve always had indoor/outdoor cats. Oscar Snuggles, King of Tidewater has always been an in/out cat and he will be 15 in August. I think it makes a happier animal. Cats need that roaming experience, Oscar has a routine, which includes his poop and snoop routine, then he’s back to eat and for his nap. He is on the bed right now taking his daily nap.
    Two small dogs might be okay, but I can tell you from personal observation a Great Dane and Lula will destroy the inside of your house. My niece has a Great Dane and another medium size dog and they have DESTROYED the inside of her house, not to mention ruining all her furniture. You might as well get a pony and keep him inside. Oh, the vet bills for a Great Dane are GREAT as well.
    I was going to suggest a nice chicken and rice casserole until you mention said visitors are veggans. I don’t have any recipes for meatless dishes.

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