Dead Ex. That’s what Marvin’s gonna be.

I have eight seconds to write you today. I overslept, as I was having a dream about Michael Jackson (I am not making that up) and incorporated the clock radio into my dream. Don't you hate it when you do that?

I don't know how Michael Jackson could have wedged himself into my subconscious. You never hear about him lately.

At any rate, I have forgotten to tell you that Marvin got a summer job. While I understand that elementary school teachers make a magnificent sum, and we really should have saved enough to get us through the summer, somehow we didn't. I will not name names, but Marvin is working for a famous delivery company that absolutely, positively makes him come in at 8:30.

I think he had to be at school at 2:45 a.m. or something. Girlfriend got there EARLY, is all I'm telling you. I do not know if he is ambitious or having an affair with a rooster, but either way it was fine with me, because I know I have told you that Marvin is what you'd call irritating in the morning and I was always glad he was out the door.

Marvin is a morning person. Morning is my cranky time. I mean, I understand that all the time is my cranky time, but it is at its peak in the morning.

Marvin BOUNDS out of bed at about 5:00 every day, like he's Amish or a fireman. He begins talking cheerfully right away, fully expecting that everyone around him will gleefully participate. Usually Tallulah and I just continue our REM and have learned to ignore him.

Now that he has three-and-a-half hours before he has to be anywhere other than DIRECTLY WHERE I WANT TO BE ALL MORNING, he is a real pleasure.

First of all, he turns on the TV right away. I know I am weird, but TV in the morning depresses me. Morning should be when you are bustling about, staring your day. Turning on the TV says to me, "I've given up. This day will be about lazing around." Even worse, Marvin watches MOVIES in the morning. You don't watch MOVIES in the MORNING. It's an end-of-the-day kind of thing. Why doesn't he just get a glass of wine and some chips while he's at it?

Plus also, he makes himself a leiiiiiisurely breakfast, which includes waffles and juice. And waffle plates and juice glasses that he leaves on the coffee table while he's watching his music documentary at 7 a.m.

If he's not watching TV? He's here. On the computer. ON MY COMPUTER. I mean, the morning is my blog time. But there he is, with his waffle, looking at guitars on eBay. If I demand the computer, he hovers here. "What are you doing? Is that what you're gonna write? You missed the 'e' in 'murder,' honey."

I am also lucky enough to have Marvin here when I finally leave for work. "Drive carefully. I don't want to hear that you're part of a twisted ball of metal!" he likes to say.

When does school start, again?

48 thoughts on “Dead Ex. That’s what Marvin’s gonna be.

  1. we should have named our new puppy Marvin! because before he came into our life daughter & i were sleeping till 9:30 (remember my status as trophy wife). Now this dang dog is all “hey it’s 6:45 & i’m excited because i have to poop”
    stupid Marvin dog….

    Like

  2. Flush the toilet when he is in the shower…
    Of course, I’m not sure how much marital advice I should be doling out…

    Like

  3. June, I feel your pain. My husband will start firing questions at me as soon as I have cracked one eye open. “What do you want for dinner? Have you taken anything out of the freezer? Are you going to water the Topsey Turveys? Have you seen my phone? Will you call my phone?”
    Irks me that my feet haven’t even touched the floor before he starts rattling on and on.
    I tell you it amazes me that I can restrain myself from gut-punching him every a.m.!

    Like

  4. I’m a morning person myself, so I can’t really complain. Not exactly a cheerful morning person, mind you, but I like getting a head start on my day. I also turn the news on the minute I turn my alarm off. STOP HATING ON US MORNING PEOPLE! I warned you I’m not all that cheerful in the morning. Oh yeah, I have also started watching a movie before work as well. Sorry. Go Team Marvin.

    Like

  5. If I made “Team Marvin” and “Team June” t-shirts, would anyone want them? I so want to make some.

    Like

  6. Okay, he sounds just like my kids. At 7 am, they’re in full swing. But they’re 7, 5, and 2, so they have an excuse for being overly chipper.

    Like

  7. Okay, I too…..am a morning person! I know, I know…it is disgusting. I am all chipper and bubbly and bouncing around! my poor husband….he is the quiet type!
    Bless him! I will be exhibit A in the divorce proceedings!
    Reason for divorce: To damn happy in the morning!!
    Have a great day!
    Lou Cinda 😦

    Like

  8. Well, then, Furry Godmother, we will also have to make Team Henry shirts, and you know everyone will just ask for those.

    Like

  9. Morning tv depresses me too. I’m on Team June. I’d like mine to have the number 9 on the back, as in no one should speak or turn on an appliance until this hour.
    Only another month and some change before school starts back. That’s a short-lived summer job.

    Like

  10. Hey June, I’m one of your lurkers. You are one funny lady, in case you didn’t know;)! I’m not really a morning a person, but secretly wish I was. And put me down for one Team Henry shirt, please.

    Like

  11. Last week sometime I had a dream about Michael Jackson too. My husband woke me up because I was whimpering in my sleep and I said “Michael Jackson was trying to kill me”. The dream was very vivid at the time but I didn’t want to keep him awake in the middle of the night by telling him about it, and by the next morning it was gone. I would love to remember that dream, if only for the “odd” factor, since I’m not really a fan.
    I’m a morning person too, but really want it quiet then, so I can read my newspaper and drink my coffee. Unfortunately, one of the three littles is also a morning person, so my mornings are filled with the sound of “Clifford” and “Arthur”. Sigh…

    Like

  12. Marvin Salad Gardens is the luckiest man on earth. If he was married to me I would be a widow. “Officer, I have NO IDEA what happened! He must have fallen on the sharp pointy thing about 60 times.”
    I was quietly making my big mug-o-tea this morning and across the kitchen my daughter was grinding coffee beans and making all sorts of racket. That was when I realized how nice my tea is. Tea, whether loose or in bags, is quiet in the mornings. I bet more morning people are coffee drinkers because all that noise whirring and grinding and percolating doesn’t annoy the beejeebers out of them. I was actually going to lead in to some comment about Ye Olde Tea Bagge Shoppe from the other day but the witty things escape me this early.
    I am totally on Team June. Just later in the day.

    Like

  13. I find TV in the morning depressing too. I travel with a friend who turns movies on the minute she gets up. Ugh!
    BTW, I can’t wait for school to start, but my issue is a 14 year old girl who wants to watch HGTV all day long.

    Like

  14. pssst, Hey June does the new Funniest Blog Finalist button mean you won? Does it mean we get to vote again? Does it mean they are still deciding?

    Like

  15. Hi June,
    BOY, am I with you on the TV thing in the morning. I likes it quiet. My Marvin was home sick with a chest thingy on Monday and Tuesday and, MAN, is THAT annoying? TV’s on all day and the neediness? Gimme a break!
    Team June, Team June, GOOOOOO Team JUNE!!! 🙂
    Oh, and put me down for a Team Henry shirt, as well!
    Alright, and a Team Tallulah shirt, too!

    Like

  16. Kahuna and I are pretty well matched in the morning person department. He does however drive me crazy when I am trying to write. He will ask me 500 million questions then I’ll lose my train of thought because I have stopped to listen to him. Then I tend to ramble on in my comments with no point because I have lost my train of thought, just exactly what type of train is a train of thought? Any way he will disrupt me and then i have a really hard time keeping on task. Now what was I talking about?

    Like

  17. Reading this incites murderous rage in me all over again, from my morning encounter with my own husband. I have a husband who could be Marvin’s twin, and I have never been known for my charm at any time prior to, oh, say 3 pm. I’m a night owl, he’s a rooster. It sometimes makes me think we should not have gotten married, as this is not a situation that is likely to change, considering our advanced years.
    Last night I was up till 2 am, struggling with APA format for my ridiculous nursing paper, and old hubster there gets up at 4 am, just when I’m transitioning from REM to whatever, and places an affectionate kiss on my forehead, and of course it woke me up. RAGE. Still not over it, 8 hours later.

    Like

  18. Ugh! My husband is not really a morning person. I get up around 7am. But I like it to be very quiet. It’s my only calm soothing time. Once the kids wake life is chaotic until I crash in bed.
    HOWEVER, my husband makes so much noise in the mornings getting ready for work that he will wake the kids. Then I have visions of arsenic poisoning. There are times I won’t even come downstairs if it’s 7 and he hasn’t gotten out the door yet, just so I don’t have to talk. Why don’t I want to talk? Because I use a soft voice and he uses his overly loud day voice. ACK! My poor ears.

    Like

  19. Movies in the MORNING? How can he possibly make it to lunchtime without a nap? Movies SCREAM “it’s almost time for bed… get snoozy!!”
    I’m with you.
    Dead Ex. Snort!!

    Like

  20. A BIG GIGANTIC YES to the “Team Henry” shirts!
    My Huddie will be taking the “Team Marvin” shirt. I am on “Team June”. The other morning he was prattling on about what he was going to do that day. We were in the car on the way to exercise. He finally asked, “Are you listening to me?” I replied, “I’m aslleeeeppp!” like a little kid.
    He gets up at 4:30. I like to go with him to the gym because that way I have kicked my own ass without ever fully waking.

    Like

  21. A BIG GIGANTIC YES to the “Team Henry” shirts!
    My Huddie will be taking the “Team Marvin” shirt. I am on “Team June”. The other morning he was prattling on about what he was going to do that day. We were in the car on the way to exercise. He finally asked, “Are you listening to me?” I replied, “I’m aslleeeeppp!” like a little kid.
    He gets up at 4:30. I like to go with him to the gym because that way I have kicked my own ass without ever fully waking.

    Like

  22. A BIG GIGANTIC YES to the “Team Henry” shirts!
    My Huddie will be taking the “Team Marvin” shirt. I am on “Team June”. The other morning he was prattling on about what he was going to do that day. We were in the car on the way to exercise. He finally asked, “Are you listening to me?” I replied, “I’m aslleeeeppp!” like a little kid.
    He gets up at 4:30. I like to go with him to the gym because that way I have kicked my own ass without ever fully waking.

    Like

  23. It could be worse for Marvin. At my house there’s no tv at all if it’s light outside. I’m a weirdo like that. I think it’s because my mom constantly shoved us outside to play and begged us not to come home until the sun went down. TV on during the day just creeps me out. Does his job come with a uniform?

    Like

  24. I think you just described me and my soon to be husband. Unfortunately the tables are turned…and I’m Marvin in your story. Good times, good times.

    Like

  25. My husband and I are like a weird hellish inversion of you-all. I wake up earlier than my husband, who is a night-of-all-nights person, but he is such a light sleeper that I have to close the bedroom door in our teensy house so my exercise video doesn’t wake him up. Well, more likely, the sounds of me huffing and puffing and falling into furniture are what wake him up…

    Like

  26. My husband is still in bed when I leave for work at 6:30 and always home at least an hour earlier than I am at night. Annoying! I try to make as much noise as possible in the mornings. Mean, I know. Here’s a little funny…I had a minor oral surgery on Monday and have been slightly sedated ever since. The hubs told me I was laughing at the dog last night(who was not even in the room) and almost peed in the closet. Good times! Team Henry!

    Like

  27. My husband and I are the same way. He’s Mr. Happy Puppy, bursting with tail-wagging energy and excitement first thing, while I’m Miss Grumpy Sourpuss Kitty glowering at the sun who dares to bother me.
    Just the other day, true story, my eyes popped open because my husband had awaken and was smiling at me… and I growled “Just because you’re awake doesn’t mean I have to be.”
    There’s this GREAT lolcat that I wish I could find that depicts this very thing. Happy Puppy greets the day while Glaring Kitty grumps about it.
    I hate TV in the morning too, but only because most morning shows seem to set a tone of “Must Accomplish 49,000 GREAT Things today!!!” They cast so much anxiety on me.
    Grumpy Sourpuss has spoken.

    Like

  28. I hate TV in the morning too. But Scott just LOVES it. He doesn’t understand why sometimes I turn it off if I’m not watching it. I don’t think he even really understands that TVs are supposed to be off sometimes.

    Like

  29. Marvin sounds exactly like my husband. Except that he is not a teacher. I think he would be a good math teacher though with all the correcting of my addition in the checkbook. I also hate morning tv but it is because of all the death and war and Michael Jackson crapola. But here we are every morning listening to Matt Lauer and his tribe gab about world events…blah
    You were dreaming about Michael Jackson because deep down inside you were thinking “Marvin, Beat it- just beat it!!!”

    Like

  30. How is it morning people usually marry night owls? Hubby is a morning person, lights on, TV on, pots banging in the kitchen. Oh my! I once told him when his feet hit the floor in the morning that was a signal for his mouth to start. I feel your pain.
    You know I want to be on Team Henry. 🙂
    This is Tee from Georgia.

    Like

  31. oh.my.goodness.
    so…monday my husband retired from the military – he’s on “terminal leave” — getting paid but not going in. i think i might also have to some serious damage here.
    we’re sitting at the dinning room and the garbage truck comes down the street. he looks at me…says, “what’s that?”
    “the garbage truck. there are actually things that go on around here while your gone.”
    oh. and i’m not a morning person, either.

    Like

  32. Hate mornings….but I torture myself and at least 3 days of the week I get up at 5:30 and am at the gym by 6. Hubby is grumpy in the morning(also dragging to the gym) & sleeps on the couch at night until bed time..We have a marriage made in heaven to be sure.

    Like

  33. I have never in my life heard of watching a movie in the morning. (And I have lived many a decade on this good earth.)

    Like

  34. My dad always used to say ‘Drive safe!’ to me. One day I replied ‘Well, I was planning to be reckless, but if you insist.’ He stopped after that.
    My husband isn’t so much the morning lark to my night owl as he is irritating in his ability to fall asleep within 5 minutes. I keep wanting to poke him when it’s been an hour and I’m still awake, just to share the misery.

    Like

  35. My hubby knows not to talk to me in the mornings until I have initiated the conversation. I just wave to him when I get up and nod my thanks when he brings me coffee. In about 15 minutes I can use words with my gestures. I am afraid that if he turned on movies in the morning….well I just don’t want to think about it.

    Like

  36. I am SO a night owl. Seriously, does anything good happen before 2pm? No. Unfortuantely, I have to get up when the baby does now and during the school year, in time to get the girls to school. I do turn the local news on reeeeaaaalllll low so I can catch the weather with one eye half open. Then I get up. Before kids, my hubby knew not to speak, or breathe for that matter, in my presence until I spoke to him. Then he knew the grizzly bear had awakened from slumber and it was safe to talk. If I could now, I would go to bed around 3am, sleep until 12p-1p, get up and laze around reading the paper and drinking coffee until 2 or 3pm, then shower and be ready for the dinner hour.
    I’ll take a Team June and Team Henry shirt. That way I can wear one while one is in the wash.

    Like

  37. I, for one, am sooooooooo glad you are at ‘peak crankiness’ when you blog! It’s part of your unending charm! Gosh, you make me laugh!!

    Like

  38. Hubby and I are actually both night owls. I mean, not ACTUALLY. We’re people. You have no owls commenting on your blog, that I know of. But we both prefer to go to bed late and sleep in.
    Unfortunately, this little thing called “work” keeps getting in the way. So we’re going to bed early and waking up early. If we had our way, we’d be up half the night and sleeping till noon.

    Like

Comments are closed.