My Aunt Sue can totally kick my arse if she wants to, by the way.

For some reason I was sick this weekend. I do not know why. I blame Sue.

(Now, see, if you're just tuning in, you must think I'm berserk. Sue is my Aunt Sue, who is a saint, and my Uncle Jim is forever blaming her for things that couldn't possibly be her fault. It's 50 below zero? "I blame Sue," my uncle will say. He can't find his wallet? And even though she is out of town being saintly somewhere? He'll blame her. Try it. Blaming Sue is a marvelous way to go about your life.)

(Have I mentioned the woman is a saint? Have I mentioned that before my uncle got sick, and he worked at the police station, sometimes people would ask how Sue was, and he'd always say, "We're separated." What he meant was, he was at work and she was at home. Have I mentioned my Aunt Sue has stayed married to him for THIRTY-FOUR YEARS like it's fun?)

So, THANKS, Sue, for my illness.

Friday was fun, though. My friend the other June had a birthday party at this pub called the Draught House, and I am sorry to tell you that I kept pronouncing it "Drawggit House"  thinking I was hilarious. Anyway, I met many interesting people who were her friends, or at least they were drinking and eating on her fiance's tab, so I assume they knew her.

One woman volunteers for hospice and now I am interested in looking into it. Except, have you noticed I am on the high-strung side? Maybe I'd be a terrible hospice person. I don't know. If I try it and it goes wrong, we know who to blame.

Anyway, Saturday dawned bright and early, as opposed to it dawning at 6:00 in the afternoon, and I screamed off to an eye doctor's appointment. You will be shocked to hear that I continue to be blind. In fact, my astigmatism got worse this year. One could blame the 52 weeks a year of proofreading tiny type for this. But you know who is really at fault?

Sue.

I told Marvin that if the eye doctor didn't dilate me, that I was going to TJ Maxx for some pillows that HADN'T been chewed up by dog jowls. But I got to the doctor? And guess what she did?

Cataract

Hi. I'm 72. Have you seen my bone-colored walking shoes with the velcro?

HELLO

I seeeeeeee you! No, you, the one in Russia! HELLOOOOO!

When you are dilated, you cannot read emails, or blog, or read a book, or watch TV. So I talked on the phone to my father. I complained about Sue making sure my eyes got dilated. How long do you think it'll be before my Aunt Sue welcomes me back into her home?

FINALLY, after two or three hours of seeing the world through gauze, like how they used to show Cybill Shepherd in Moonlighting, I was able to make it to the Maxx. As I shopped, though? I started to feel a little dizzy. And a little sweaty. And perhaps migraine-y.

I went to Target as well, because it was important that I be in even bigger, hotter crowds, and by the time I left there I thought I was gonna barf. Which in case you didn't know is my worst feeling ever.

I came home and napped, but when I woke up I felt worse. And we were supposed to have people over for DINNER last night. Because we're cannibals. But I had to call and tell them we couldn't do it. I was too sick to eat them.

The rest of the day was spent either lying in bed or watching TV. I saw not one but two Jennifer Aniston movies that were flops, in which she plays someone who has no luck in love. Hunh.

Everyone

Fortunately, I had plenty of company. And I just want you to know I am STILL wearing that shirt. I slept in it. And my hair looks even better than it does there.

So that about sums it up. I feel mostly better today, although still a little shaky. But I have enough strength to curse my Aunt Sue.

Oh, and finally. In closing. I gave us two new comments of the week, because I keep forgetting. And speaking of things I keep forgetting, Ask June who? What I have decided to do is throw in a waiting Ask June question in each post this week, because I have about 720 of them in the hopper. Exciting, isn't it?

If you hate that idea, don't blame me.

Blame Sue.

32 thoughts on “My Aunt Sue can totally kick my arse if she wants to, by the way.

  1. And for your information you are funny all of the time, even when you are sick. By the way any news on the funniest blog? Just wondering.

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  2. Dear Donna,
    They were supposed to tell us by Friday and they didn’t. Irritating. Plus also, even when they DO tell us, we have to keep it a secret till the 24th. Irritating again. So for all I know, someone else won and they haven’t been able to announce it on their blog. Have I mentioned this is irritating?

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  3. I volunteer for hospice – it is very rewarding and suprisingly fun. You have many gifts that you could share – look into it – you’d be great!
    Love the pet blanket – I’m sure it helped you feel better!

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  4. That dumb contest is getting on my every last nerve.
    Love that photo of you and your minions! So cute!
    Hope you’re feeling better. I had that same dizzy/nausea thing just a couple weeks ago. It’s horrible. Hope you’re better, dear!

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  5. Great photo of you and the dependents! Ophthalmology check ups-they say that stuff will sting a bit but it feels like vinegar in the eye. At least you got the fashionista dark glasses.

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  6. I was blind until about four weeks ago, I got the LASIK it’s awesome. I was “the worst” the doctor had ever personally seen. My contacts were -7 something with a 3.75 astigmatism.
    I usually opt for the computer scan at the eye doctor, but pre-LASIK they had to dilate, and I lost a day blogging, then a day to LASIK.
    Hope you’re feeling better, I had a major allergy induced headache the other day because I forgot to inquire as to my hosts owning a cat. They didn’t realize that all cats are trying to kill me.
    I blame Sue

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  7. Love the pet binkie. I, for one, have not slept, cooked or gone to the bathroom by myself in years without the supervision of several admiring eyes. I’m pretty sure at this point Sue had something to do with it.
    I also blame Sue for the contest’s lack of information.

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  8. Love the pet binkie. I, for one, have not slept, cooked or gone to the bathroom by myself in years without the supervision of several admiring eyes. I’m pretty sure at this point Sue had something to do with it.
    I also blame Sue for the contest’s lack of information.

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  9. Love the pet binkie. I, for one, have not slept, cooked or gone to the bathroom by myself in years without the supervision of several admiring eyes. I’m pretty sure at this point Sue had something to do with it.
    I also blame Sue for the contest’s lack of information.

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  10. Please let me encourage your becoming an effective Hospice volunteer. It is a privilege to be allowed into someone’s home at such a fragile time of their lives.
    What will you talk about? What would you talk about if they weren’t dying? If they want to talk about dying, they’ll let you know. Meanwhile, they’ll like that you wore a dress with sunflowers and a big yellow hat, dressing up just for them. They’ll be glad you cared enough to bring a little treat: something they like, like a Frosty from the fast food place.
    When the patient is actively dying, your role turns to being supportive of the family. Sometimes just sitting quietly is enough. One of our volunteers once said to a family member when the patient had a long period of not breathing, “I think she’s gone,’ at which the daughter jumped up and began shaking the patient and screaming. The patient started to breathe again for several minutes and the volunteer learned from that that Registered Nurses in our state can pronounce death, but volunteers can’t. From that point on, she simply said, “I think it’s time to call the Nurse,” when she was the only Hospice team member present.
    They won’t ask you to do anything you can’t handle. Just being there is enough. Sue will be so proud of you.

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  11. I noticed the lack of a certain very popular someone on your pet blanket. Is Francis off stalking your dinner?
    My eye doc says they now are allowing the anti-dilation drops again in their office, which for some reason they weren’t allowed to do for a while. Life is so much easier after eye appointments now.

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  12. I think you’d make a fine Hospice volunteer, except for the fact that you’d probably start comparing your ailments with those in your charge, and then become convinced that you are dying too, but at a much faster rate.
    And then you’ll be yelling for the nurse to come check your pupils for extreme dilation because you feel dizzy and can’t see anything within five feet of you.
    And then they’ll call Marvin to tell him the news that you’re on your last breath and he’ll show up with the Mayo, and you’ll be all like, “Marvin, kiss my arse! But don’t forget to feed the cats and Tallulah.”
    And he’ll be all, “The cats can feed themselves and Tallulah will have your books to eat, so she’ll be fine, and also too, the rooster is moving in with me.”
    And as you take your last fake breath, you’ll be all “Damn you, Aunt Sue” because you realize you won’t actually be dying.
    So, my advice is, stay home and combine your forces with Kim Jong Francis to take down Marvin’s FedEx truck.

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  13. I’m new to your blog, June, so I don’t know all of the rules.
    Having read this post, am I now free to blame Aunt Sue as well? Will I need to call her “Aunt Sue” or will just “Sue” do? I have my own saintly aunt (she has 8 sons, enough said) named “Aunt Jennie Sue” so if I can’t blame your Aunt Sue, maybe I could blame Aunt Jennie Sue?

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  14. Dude. I am SO IRRITATED TOO. Stupid freaking contest.
    And I say go for it, do hospice. I adored it. I really did. Even when I got nicknamed Nurse Death, I loved it (I was a case manager, lest you think I was actually killing people.) (besides the social luxe people) (whom I may kill) (just sayin’).

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  15. Sugar Mommy, be on the lookout for YOUR NAME in comment of the week! 🙂
    And June, I can’t believe no one has commented on your hair. ‘Cause it is beautiful! Is that your hair’s wet look, or did you use product? I like the fluffy look as wel, but the curl definition in your first couple of pics was awesome! Sorry you had a migraine with your great hair…

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  16. You would be GREAT as a hospice volunteer! By the way, I’m blaming Sue for both the concept and reality of summer. Enough already!

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  17. Speaking of Moonlighting and that crazy film they put on Sybil…on our recent vacation, one of my little people was taking pictures and left very smeary fingerprints on the lens. I have never looked so good in all the pictures from our vacation.
    Maybe you might know someone who might try that on a webcam? I like to help a girl out.
    just saying!

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  18. Sorry you weren’t feeling well. Your eyes look like cats’ eyes when they are about to pounce on something. You have to feel better with all those fur babies around/on you.
    As for the hospice? Are you sure? I think Sugar Mommy has just about summed it up.

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  19. Loved Sugar’s comment! She pegged my first thought at the idea of you working with hospice. You might be plagued with imaginary symptoms of cancer.
    My mom had hospice care, and they were for the most part great, until one almost killed her trying to dislodge a “blockage” that was actually a tumor. Horrible. An experience I wish I could dislodge from my memory bank.
    Another thing. Death doesn’t always come peacefully like in the movies. It can be a very hard thing to witness. Think long and hard about it June.

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  20. RE: my previous comment
    I really don’t know where all that came from. I mean, I’m usually really sweet with my comments. I guess I have an alter ego that sometimes jumps out from the shadows of my heart.
    Curse you, Sue.

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  21. In the future, the best thing to do when your eyes are dilated is to go straight home and take a nap. Then when you wake up the dilation will have worn off and you can shop sans headache.
    Also, too, the doctor dilated your eyes. Not you. That only happens when you have a baby. I used to work for an eye doctor and he hated it when people got that messed up. He also hated it when we wrote in a patient’s chart that their eyes were puss-y because yeah, that’s not what their eyes were. They might have discharge but they’re not that.

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