Methuselah checks in.

Someone at work today said, "Oh, it's your birthday this week? Forty-six, right?"

He was not kidding. He is a really nice guy. I hate everything.

Also, I went to the fridge today, because I actually GO to the fridge now that Topamax is in my past, and maybe by "Forty-six, right?" that guy at work meant my pants size. Anyway I saw this:

Thirsty

And also this:

Hydrate

Note the special Christmas mayo peeking over the edge to say hi. But that is not the point. The POINT is, do you think Marvin is staying hydrated? I mean, is he SPRINTING to his summer delivery boy job? Is his office in Africa? Is he making special deliveries to the Sahara? Which I guess is in Africa–right?–so that joke was kind of redundant.

What I also enjoy is the variety Marvin brings to his life. The vast abundance of Gatorade flavors he's selected is really something to savor and behold. Did I ever mention to you Marvin prefers a plain doughnut? And his favorite ice cream? Vanilla.

This does not say much for the exotic goddess that is me, does it? I am the plain, 46-year-old-looking vanilla doughnut in the display case of Marvin's life.

When I was a kid, there were times that my Aunt Mary babysat me, which in retrospect is kind of frightening because although she SEEMED like a grownup at the time, in reality she would have been about 19 and fully in charge of me. Which, you know, so was my mother, seeing as she was a ripe old 18 when I was born. The fact that I did not eat a dry cleaner bag by the time I was 1 is a miracle.

At any rate, Aunt Mary and I used to head down to Dawn Doughnuts and get us some doughnuts, which is probably shocking information, and a little smackerel to drink, too. Then we'd head to the park that turned out to be right across from where I got married, but of course I did not know that at the time, seeing as I was four and not into dating three-year-old Marvin just yet.

My POINT is two things. Which was a really poor sentence. The first point is I would always, ALWAYS pick the holiday doughnut right in the front display case. Like, if it was near Easter, I'd take the doughnut they'd decorated with pink and green jelly beans and little plastic bunnies on a stick and so forth. Or the 4th of July one with red-white-and-blue frosting. Whichever doughnut was the gaudiest, most drag queen, Liberace-thinks-it's-too-over-the-top-looking doughnut, that was my selection.

I really have not changed much at all. Cause I am so gettin' the Hello Kitty fried cake or whatever.

The other thing is that when it came to selecting my drink, I often went to the cooler, there, at Dawn Doughnuts. And do you remember those drinks they used to sell in those opaque plastic containers, and you peeled the tin foil top off, and when you drank from the top of the container it kind of cut your lips?

I got one of those drinks once, and when we got to the park and I'd peeled off the top, I took a drink and announced to my Aunt Mary, "This tastes like armpits and wires."

My Aunt Mary thought this was hilarious, and she told my mother later, who similarly thought it was a hoot, and the crux of this story is that I peaked at four. That was it for me. I bowled them over in 1969, at the Objibway Island park, there. It was my Budokan. My "I see dead people." My Come On, Eileen.

Oh, well. I may have dried up, but I have plenty of Gatorade.

33 thoughts on “Methuselah checks in.

  1. June, your looking at it all wrong. Clearly the reason Marvin is so vanilla/plain/single-flavour-loving is to balance the incredible spice you bring to his everyday life. You ARE his flavour.
    My favourite bit of today’s blog was your poor sentence and your sentence about your poor sentence. Nada for the wirey armpits, so you’re still on the up and up.

    Like

  2. In your estimation, are you as funny when you converse as you are when you write? Do people around laugh at your (verbal) expressions all the time?(With you I feel the need to be specific….) 🙂

    Like

  3. PJ- yes, June is very funny in person (she might be too modest to tell you herself, so I’ll be happy to toot her horn).

    Like

  4. Sorry Juney – I see you more as one of the filled donuts with sprinkles on top. Sure there are other donuts in the case with more sprinkles or a chocolate topping with nuts. But I think your outside is just fine and just wait til you get to that cream filled center! My days wouldn’t be complete without my daily June donut, besides think of all the calories you save me!

    Like

  5. Okay, are you trying to make us pick teams again? Because I am going to have to go with Marvin this time around…again. I love my glazed donuts, nothing fancy please. I love vanilla ice cream because you can accessorize it. I have a fridge full of sugar free cherry jello because it tastes good and is good for you. I also shop at Costco so you really better like it if you buy it in bulk.
    You have not peaked, you’re only 46! ;-P
    I tease because you are younger than me, it’s allowed!

    Like

  6. i like how Carol from MI thought you might be too modest to say you are verbally funny… too modest? This woman doesn’t really know you does she? i don’t know you “really”, but i realize you are’t too modest to shout from the rooftops your funniness. Carol in MI, it’s me, Misschell in MI- call me!

    Like

  7. I totally remember those drinks. The ‘apple’ one had a really bitter taste to it. McD’s liked to pawn those off on children too, right? Actually, I wound up with an applejuice from there for me 2 yr old a while back, and I tasted it to see if it’s still the same crud, but it actually tastes like applejuice these days. still in an opaque container with the peelback lid though!
    Also, I am switching to Team Marvin. B/c you’re too old. HA.

    Like

  8. I feel the need to clarify that “plain doughnut” does not mean GLAZED doughnut for Marvin. I mean plain. With absolutely nothing on it. Like you’d get at the cider mill. Plain.
    And truthfully? I really like those, too. Glazed are too sweet.

    Like

  9. What you fail to realize here, June, is that you’ve got yourself a rock in Marvin.
    He’s steady.
    Rock steady.
    He can be counted on to bring the mayo when called. No surprises, always predictable.
    Sounds boring, yes, but do you really want a surprise of, “Oh, by the by, here’s my girlfriend Tinker Bell, and my other girlfriend Cupid. And they’re going to spend Christmas with us.”?
    No fluff, no frills, just good ol’ rock steady Marvin. That’s real love.
    No doubt.
    And remember, a real love survives a rock steady vibe.
    I’m jes’ sayin’. Homegirl here to represent.

    Like

  10. I enjoy/prefer the plain sugar dusted (not powdered sugar) doughnut. Dang it. Now I am VERY hungry for doughnuts. My sugar-free apple cinnamon oatmeal is really not going to cut it this morning.
    How can you think you’ve peaked? You keep us all in giggle fits and snorting coffee on our keyboards every day (everyday).

    Like

  11. Okay June, I do not think you have peaked YET! Not even close!! You are still hysterical EVERYDAY! I think your gift of humor just presented itself at an early age. A hint of things to come…if you will.
    Chelsea Handler’s got nothing on you!!! All you need is a sidekick and your off!
    My Steve is very vanilla oriented too! Very stable, very calm, laid back, quiet actually.
    I do not know that the hell he wanted with me as I am NONE OF THE ABOVE ADJECTIVES!
    I think we must add balance! Or something….
    Have a great day!!

    Like

  12. And, I’m with Carol in MI. June is right funny in person AND on the phone. She randomly calls me with funny stories or other things I’d appreciate and we always end up giggling ourselves silly!
    Love the June!

    Like

  13. Sadly, that Dawn Donuts has closed. First the sign caught fire, then a few years later they shut the doors. They still had the same cooler though…I once bought out-of-date milk from it on my way to work one morning.
    Wonder why they closed??

    Like

  14. The Dawn Donuts June used to frequent was on the other side of the tracks as it were. Do you ever wonder what “as it were” means? Anyway, I prefer a glazed friedcake. Much more dense and full than a donut. You have not peaked, June. Also, I can never drink juice without thinking of your very accurate description of what that stuff used to taste like. You were right on.

    Like

  15. I like my donuts of the cake variety, not the risen light and full of air variety. And I am sorry to say that I also like them plain with no adornment. For me, that just means I can justify having twice as many of them! I am all about the justifications in my life.
    Plain, buttermilk cake donuts. Those are the best. But I am still on Team June. I am also all about loyalty! 🙂

    Like

  16. hold up? Your birthday is in July? I thought all people named June had their birthday in said month. Maybe you’ve chatted about this previously as I am new to your blog. And I am so wanting a Hello Kitty fried cake right now.

    Like

  17. It’s too bad you don’t eat more donuts and drink foil topped faux juice because then you would be full of preservatives and appear half your age.
    And since this blog has some sort of magical therapy dust on it which consistantly causes me to tattle on myself:
    At least you weren’t in the middle of a meal at a restaurant when an acquaintance approaches and says cheerfully, “I noticed you’ve gained A LOT of weight. Are you pregnant?” To which I replied loudly, “NOPE! Just FAT! FAT FAT FATTY McFATTINGTON! REALLY FAT. THANKS! I THOUGHT IT HAD GONE UNNOTICED!”
    He tried to finish his funny joke about my weight over my yelling to no avail.
    My husband tried valiantly to stop this train wreck. Did I mention said acquaintance IS A THERAPIST?
    I’m off to get that cake donut with chocolate frosting and colorful sprinkles. Okay, make it a dozen…mixed.

    Like

  18. It’s too bad you don’t eat more donuts and drink foil topped faux juice because then you would be full of preservatives and appear half your age.
    And since this blog has some sort of magical therapy dust on it which consistantly causes me to tattle on myself:
    At least you weren’t in the middle of a meal at a restaurant when an acquaintance approaches and says cheerfully, “I noticed you’ve gained A LOT of weight. Are you pregnant?” To which I replied loudly, “NOPE! Just FAT! FAT FAT FATTY McFATTINGTON! REALLY FAT. THANKS! I THOUGHT IT HAD GONE UNNOTICED!”
    He tried to finish his funny joke about my weight over my yelling to no avail.
    My husband tried valiantly to stop this train wreck. Did I mention said acquaintance IS A THERAPIST?
    I’m off to get that cake donut with chocolate frosting and colorful sprinkles. Okay, make it a dozen…mixed.

    Like

  19. It’s too bad you don’t eat more donuts and drink foil topped faux juice because then you would be full of preservatives and appear half your age.
    And since this blog has some sort of magical therapy dust on it which consistantly causes me to tattle on myself:
    At least you weren’t in the middle of a meal at a restaurant when an acquaintance approaches and says cheerfully, “I noticed you’ve gained A LOT of weight. Are you pregnant?” To which I replied loudly, “NOPE! Just FAT! FAT FAT FATTY McFATTINGTON! REALLY FAT. THANKS! I THOUGHT IT HAD GONE UNNOTICED!”
    He tried to finish his funny joke about my weight over my yelling to no avail.
    My husband tried valiantly to stop this train wreck. Did I mention said acquaintance IS A THERAPIST?
    I’m off to get that cake donut with chocolate frosting and colorful sprinkles. Okay, make it a dozen…mixed.

    Like

  20. Now see I’m the “give me the cake donut and the green drink” kind. The reason was in our house NO ONE ate the cake donuts or drank the GREEN drink so I learned to love cake donuts and green drink because then I would have all my heart desired. Oh and I eat the green jelly beans and the green lifesavers. I will not however eat liver.
    So you think 46 is old? Just you wait June Gardens, Just you wait!

    Like

  21. Your refrigerator looks like ours. Although, my husband has not grasped the concept that you must do some sort of physical activity in order to NEED Gatorade. Silly, silly man!
    You were funny even when you were on Topama, so you will always be funny. I can’t even put a sentence together on that stuff. Toodles!

    Like

  22. Where DO you come up with this stuff? LOL! LOL!!
    I snorted my mojito when I read this: “I am the plain, 46-year-old-looking vanilla doughnut in the display case of Marvin’s life.”
    So thanks a lot. Now I have to change my shirt. Okay, so not really since I’m the only one at home. Which is utterly glorious, by the way.
    Alrighty then.

    Like

  23. “I am the plain, 46-year-old-looking vanilla doughnut in the display case of Marvin’s life.” Can I please, please, please adapt this for myownself? It’s so perfect.
    Me? If it’s a donut (doughnut?), I love it. Cake, raised, glazed, sprinkled or fried, you name it. I love it. All you got left is the holes? I’ll take those, too.
    OMG… I should wear Depend undergarments to read your posts, June. And HOLY CRAP is The Furry Godmother funny!

    Like

  24. Oh June. If I could only see a scan of that brain of yours. I’d be able to bottle a piece of it and sell it to all of the non-funny people in the world.

    Like

  25. I remember those drinks! They were shaped more like a bottle though, not the same as the ones you get from McDonalds nowadays.
    What were they called? I especially remember the roughness of the top!
    I have no idea how you remember all this stuff!! I can hardly remember what I had for dinner yesterday!

    Like

  26. The little barrel shaped “juice” containers with the foil tops? Little Hugs? You can still get them at some grocery store for like 100 for a buck.
    And I’m very glad that lorchick clarified that she was channeling a leprechaun. I was worried that perhaps she thought Talk Like a Pirate Day came early this year!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s