My life/my life in my head

Marvin and I have been outside all morning, tidying up our yard like the middle-aged homeowners that we are. A thing I sort of refuse to accept. I was pulling weeds yet also thinking, "How can I be out here robustly yanking ivy at 10 a.m.? Shouldn't I be exhausted from my night of doing blow with Courtney Love and the Rolling Stones?"

See? Even my fantasy drug friends are old and tired. I couldn't even come up with anyone under 45 to do drugs with IN MY MIND. Depressing.

So, if I'm not gonna be the Edie Sedgwick of my time, I am at least gonna have a tidy yard. Which stems from my German heritage and also from growing up in Michigan, which is kind of a redundant thing to say. Everyone in Michigan is German. And I do not want to hear dissent from the two Scotch-Irish people there.

People in Michigan have the tidiest yards of anyone in America. I am not making that up. I do not know why it is. Perhaps it is because they only have actual yards for three months out of the year; the rest of the time their yards are covered in snow. So they celebrate it while they've got it. Like my drug supply with my good friend Court.

In other news, I went to the museum yesterday with my friend Lucy from TinyTown.

Lucy

We all wish we were one-eighth as cool as Lucy is. I'll bet she partayys with every famous rapper you can think of–which for me is not many, because did I menti0n I have become middle-aged?–yet she'd be too gracious to brag about it.

We had a stellar time. The museum had lots of, you know, ART, but then it also had an exhibit of dresses from all the fancy designers–Dior, Valentino, Gucci. Lucy and I had a long discussion about how it was a shame that Versace's sister was such a butterface (everything looks good on her but her face), and other deep artistic topics.

There was another museum we wanted to go to, but my GPS wouldn't recognize the address, which was annoying. So (are you sitting down?) Lucy got out a MAP and LOOKED AT IT, then told me where to drive. And we got right there. I do not understand people with this skill.

After, we had a good lunch involving sandwiches consisting of turkey, brie, and green apples. We discussed how our sandwiches at home were boring. Then Lucy told me how to make green beans with fatback and it took me a long time to realize she meant real green beans that you, you know, snap. In my mind, all beans come out of a can.

I eat them with Keith Richards all the time when we have the munchies.

24 thoughts on “My life/my life in my head

  1. LOL!
    A map! Mine are all in the attic, which is silly really because my GPS never knows the way to anywhere.
    Is there anything other than ham to put in sandwiches? I must go tell the kids!!!

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  2. Pie it’s like I said in my post yesterday, Perception is a Terrible Thing to Waste. I have happily been gadding about thinking I looked 30 with no sagging jowels and full pink lips. I saw myself on TV and realized I had stolen Winston Churchills face. Do you think they will charge me? I mean for stealing it?

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  3. My Michigan grandparents have a PEFECTLY tidy yard and are also German. How bout that.
    I don’t have a GPS yet so I’m still down with maps, but who uses a phonebook? Really? I recycle them as soon as they are delivered.

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  4. Just a note, Michigan was settled by French people. Remember the lumberjacks and fur traders-French. Detroit means “the three” meaning the rivers that converge there. Remember the French guy DeTouqueville (I may have spelled his name wrong) whose chalet was used as a model for the post office in your home town? Remember how a quarter of your great grandparents were FRENCH? Hello! My people are not noted for their neat lawns, but for delicious food and wine. In fact, our lawns may not look that good, but we’re having fun inside the house.

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  5. I totally rented a GPS unit with my rental car (redundant, no?) while in St. Paul last month and it wouldn’t take me anywhere I programmed. So I got out my map and did just fine. I hate technology.

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  6. i am not german and i am from michigan. neither (and so is) the rest of my family. I am Irish and French Canadian.

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  7. And yes, I know you love me for dissenting when you so specifically asked for us non-german michigan people not to speak up.

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  8. OMG. Turkey-apple-brie sandwiches are the best. You’re making me hungry, and there are no apples, nor turkey, nor brie anywhere in my house, and it’s 11:26 p.m. so it’s not like I can exactly pop out to the store now, can I? Dangit, June.

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  9. I was talking to my sister’s aunt and uncle in-law who are both from Germany. They told me that in Germany you are required by law to sweep you sidewalk and the road in front of your house. Maybe that’s why everyone’s yard is so neat in Michigan, they are all afraid of prison.

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  10. everyone in Michigan is French-Canadian, which doesn’t even count as French. everyone knows that.

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  11. I’m German, but I’m not from Michigan. Everyone else was weighing in; thought I would too.
    I’d never heard the term ‘butterface’ before. Big laugh to start my day! Gracias!

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  12. now i’m all confused about my heritage: i was made in IN & born in MI… Perhaps my Mister is German; our lawn looks like a golf course here in W. Mich!! At least i know for sure our daughter is Chinese
    ~misschell

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  13. I hate my GPS. Her name is Daisy. Every once in a while we (my kids or I) say something that triggers Daisy to speak to us. “ENTER SPOKEN COMMAND NOW” We have no idea what it is that we say that causes her to talk. Last time, I belive I said to my two year old, “you are a silly monkey”. Then Daisy says, “ENTER SPOKEN COMMAND NOW” My kids and I all scream back at her, “We don’t want to enter a spoken command” and then try to figure out what we said to make her talk. This leads to lots of hilarity with my 3 talking children screaming out various phrases to try and get Daisy to speak. (And that is what we call good times in Canton, Ohio. I figure the baby’s first words will be “Dang it Daisy!”

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  14. Maybe Marv has the Hollywood Nudes book strictly for the articles…
    That’s why I get “Hardcore Hotties”…
    NO I DON’T! JUST KIDDING…

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