(In case you missed yesterday's post, I asked people to write in with questions for Faithful Reader Hulk, who is in that teensy minority of male Bye Bye, Pie readers. Hulk comments regularly, and about 17,000 women have written in to say they have a crush on him. So here are their probing questions and Hulk's scintillating answers.)
PJ asks~"Is green the new black?"
Hulk doesn't even know what the OLD black is…and don't say Morgan Freeman…
Roxie's Mom asks~"Please Ask Hulk to tell us about the pet psychic. Unless he doesn't remember that one either because you hit him in the head with that purse."
The pet psychic is all June…Hulk is so NOT L.A. The Hulk is STILL shaking his head over that. And June did not HIT me with her purse…she was merely inconsolable. As I recall. Stupid JH.
Carrie asks~"I would like to ask Hulk if he lives in MI and is looking for a date! I'm trying to set my Mom up with someone and she loves funny green men. : )"
Hulk has a sister with the same name, Carrie…I PRAY right now you are not my sister…I am sure she is a fine person, and I mean nothing bad at all, but how depressing to read that someone wants to introduce me to their MOM…ugh. Maybe we can go on a bingo date? *Sigh* Hulk is a Michigander, but Ohio is the greatest state in the Union in Hulk's mind.
KW asks~"Please ask Hulk this: How old is your little girl, and what is the hardest thing about being a single dad?"
Little Hulkette is eight going on 30…soon to be starring in the next great Hollywood epic based on the drama she oozes. Hardest thing? Ponytails. Ha. No. I'd say discipline. It is a fine line you have to walk between making sure she is getting through all the crapola and making sure she doesn't try to walk all over me. So far, so good.
Jan asks~"Some of my questions for Hulky are not suitable for a blog for 19-85 year olds… Yes, I am one of the readers who is crushing on the Hulk.
"Tell me Hulk… what is your favorite feature of a woman?
"What happened with your marriage? (If you don't mind sharing.)
"Do you watch football? If so, who is your favorite team?
"Hulk… do you watch chic flicks willingly? Are you excited about the opening of The Time Travelers Wife tonight?
"How old is your daughter? Is she a Jonas Brothers fan?
"That is all for now… back with more later."
Holy Moly. In order:
Eyes (you buying this?). No, for real, Hulk loves him some bright eyes-like Kathy Ireland's eyes.
The marriage: To quote Bill Murray in What About Bob?: "There are those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't." Actually, just two different people who quit getting along.
Does Hulk watch football??? Does June have hair issues??? Despite his green exterior (and posterior), Hulk prefers Ohio State over Michigan State (although he is a closet Sparty from time to time) and the Cleveland Browns.
Chic flicks: Hulk can be the sensitive type at times, but he prefers a good comedy. Seen The Hangover yet? OMG–fall-down funny. Don't miss the pictures during the end credits…Time Traveler's Wife? That would be a date movie and Hulk does NOT have a date for tonight…unless Carrie's MOM is free…
Hulkette is eight and does NOT like The Jonas Brothers, she just told me. Even though she watches the show. Every day. She does have a Hannah Montana themed room at Hulk's house, Camp Rock at her mom's.
Dawn in Austin~I'll pose if you'll pose…
Furry Godmother asks~"Ain't it easy being green? Wasn't Kermit just being a kvetch?"
It is hard to find matching socks, but other than that…Kermit was constantly being harassed by a pig. Hulk can relate…WHOA, HEY NOW…sorry, was that out loud?? [June would like to interject for a moment to say Furry's question is comment of the week. I went around at work giggling about this Q for an hour.]
Gertrude asks~"Have you ever had a hernia? If so, what did it feel like? If not, what do you know about hernias?"
Wha??? Uh…actually Hulk was BORN with a hernia, and had to spend a week in the hospital as a mini-Hulk. I remember counting down from 100 and getting to 91 (how weird is THAT to remember?) and then doing a lot of crafts. Hulk also once pushed his buddy's hernia back in during a high school football game; Hulk prefers not to think about that…
Rebekah asks~"Did you give yourself the Hulk moniker or did someone else come up with this? And either way… does it describe how easily you're angered or your physique or just an admiration for Lou Ferrigno?"
Junie came up with Hulk…She misread my work signature on an email [I did not! I was being funny. June does not misread.]. Junie is quick that way. Hulk admires Lou for his ability to overcome a handicap and his fine work on King Of Queens. Hulk also does not really get that angry unless THE STINKIN' INDIANS CAN'T GET THE DAMN RUN HOME FROM THIRD WITH LESS THAN TWO OUTS!! ARGH! Hulk is NOT a body-builder, but does have some brawn to go with his brains. Hulk could stand to lose a few pounds, but WHO COULDN'T?? OK?? GET OFF MY BACK!!
Dana asks~"Will you CHI with June? Will CHI June's hair and post a video diary of the process?"
Hulk has too much respect for my man Marv, who will ASSUREDLY be going to heaven. So sorry, no.
Beth asks~"What is your favorite event in the Olympics? Why? (You do watch the Olympics, don't you?) Who is your favorite actor? What is your favorite TV show?
Do you play any sports?"
Hulk loves the bullet point, so here we go:
- Bobsled-I like watching them all run like crazy then try to jump in before the sled leaves without them. Actually, almost all the winter events are cool. Not a summer Olympics guy so much…
- It changes, but right now, probably Seth Rogan
- Seinfeld. I know it is an old show; but Hulk and his friends still rip Seinfeld lines off at each other all the time…we crack each other up. Yes, I am still single…why? Second favorite show? Cheers. Hulk has tried to model his life after that of Sam Malone. Again, yes I am still single…why do you keep asking me that?
- Hulk was a baseball and football player in high school and was one of the most lightly-recruited players in HS history. One college. And I did not go. For football. Hulk now plays softball and basketball and golfs on occasion. I will also be coaching Little Hulkette in basketball this winter. I will have my assistant do the ponytail.
Cristy demands~"OK, so Hulk, please explain (in a funny way) why it is now okay to end sentences with prepositions. Let's see how he does with THAT one."
No pressure, Cristy. Why don't YOU try to be funny on the spot. Huh?? Kidding. Actually, Cristy, it is NOT OK to do that. Don't do it. It will give you the bends. Of.
Paula FNY, D writes~"OMG, I thought he was 'Hunk' all this time until the ripped pants and green references."
Thanks, Paula FNY, D…no, I am not offended…don't worry about it. My ego is not fragile or anything…
My Pal in MA asks~"Hulk, would you please describe yourself? Those of us married ladies out there who are digging on you would like to know what you look like! Also, what is it that you find most attractive in a woman?"
Imagine a combination of Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and Matt Damon…then throw that image away because it isn't even close. Unless you want to keep it for yourself…Hulk is on the tall side, broad shoulders, kind of brawny but could use some firming up, could stand to lose a few…super-short hair, a goatee that is getting more grey every day.
Most attractive in a woman? Well, I am like any other red-blooded American male, so I notice what they notice. But Hulk is an eye man. After the physical, Hulk is attracted to intelligence, a quick wit, an easy-going personality, and a sports gal.
Linda in CO asks~"Hulk, why would any woman in her right mind divorce you? Was it one pair of underwear on the floor too many, or one 'Honey could you get me a beer since you're in the kitchen already cooking my dinner, and by the way, I'm out of clean socks' comment too many?"
I think you answer your own question when you say "in her right mind"…although I may be a little biased…
Juice asks~"Do you attend church?"
For every wedding ceremony I am invited to…
Beth asks~"What do you think about all of us married women crushing on you? What do you think our husbands would think about us crushing on you?"
I think you should tell all your hot single friends about this really cool, funny, mountain of male virility.
I don't know what your husbands would think of this "crush" thing, but I know what they are generally thinking: "I hope my wife will give me hot, passionate sex tonight and tomorrow morning." And I think you should all oblige them. You're welcome, fellas. Anything for the brotherhood.
Deb Stone asks~"I'm divorced, too, and I wonder if a man might find a slightly agoraphobic, shark-week lovin', regular looking mother of two children attractive…or do things need to change? (Obviously, NOT with the having of the two children!)Is it about looks? What's the deal (or deal breaker) – I'm very happy on my own (TRULY!) but if a nice man came along, who am I to say no?"
I am sure there are any number of men that are looking for those exact characteristics-there is probably some guy friend of yours right now who is desperately trying to win your affections. If you are happy with yourself, then why make a bunch of changes? Thanks for the question. Next on Dr. Phil…
Nell Jean asks~"Ask the Hulk what happened to our Team buttons, or was that just pretend?"
Was I supposed to do something here? I was Team Marvin; I made MYSELF a button… [June here. Buttons were made on July 15. Go back to that post.]
Kellye asks~"I thought you were Hulk like Hulk Hogan – you know, all tan and blonde? Which Hulk are you?"
I do tan, especially when Little Hulkette and I spend our weekend by the pool, but other than being divorced, losing my hair, and having a BEAUTIFUL daughter, I am nothing like Hulk Hogan. I saw him once–I was hawking programs and t-shirts at one of those wrestling things–he is MUCH shorter than you would think.
Teri asks~"Dear Hulk, Tell us what June was REALLY like in high school. Come on…dish the dirt!"
I am kidding. Junie was very much like she now. Very dry, witty humor, kind of all over the place. She had a column in our school paper in which she constantly bitched about stupid stuff-prepping to be a wife I guess-and she was very popular. I don't recall the trampiness she seems to brag about, but then again we didn't really run in the same circles all the time. Considering the trampiness, I regret that tremendously.
Steve writes~"I was just wondering if Hulk minds that I am the only other man in the world who reads June's posts. I had to find out what all the hysteria was coming from my wife as she read the posts. Now I have filled my cup with June Kool-Aid. The only things I refuse to do as of now are wear vanilla bourbon perfume or bring Hulk any milkshakes."
Hulk doesn't get it either…hysteria??? And please…no male milkshakes…not that there is anything wrong with that…I am having a hard enough time dealing with all this as it is…
Tee asks~"I don't see a comment from Hulk. What's up with the silence?"
There were so many good questions, and the only thing I could come up with to ask myself was "Where did you leave the damn shed key?" And that really wasn't all that funny, so I just refrained from asking.
(So ends our Qs with Hulk. This wasn't a pain in my ARSE or anything, trying to make sure all the questions got answered by Hulk and put down here on this post, making sure those with links got linked, and so on. Yeesch! If I missed your question, please let me know and I will ignore it.
June. Of the Trampy in High School Junes.)