Fran and his corn hole. An unpleasant tale about unpleasantries under a tail.

Yesterday was a dumb day.

I was all set to go to The Nester's, as she was having a swap meet. A bunch of us were gonna take some household items we didn't want and, you know, swap them with each other. I had read the blog of every person who was gonna be there, and I was so excited to meet everyone. Plus also too, I saw that everyone clearly had better taste than me, so I knew I was going to score on the whole "swap" part.

And yes, I realize I had two social events that directly related to my blog this weekend, and that my real life and my Internet life have become one and the same. What can I tell you? June has become a real person. It's like when Charlie Brown becomes a Macy's float or something.

So, yesterday morning I was getting ready for  the swappin', and I went to the laundry room to get my cute, I-am-meeting-fellow-bloggers outfit. I was going to wear a keyboard. BAHAHAHAHA.

Really, I had this whole capri pants/brown shirt combo that was not only cutey cutenstein, it also hid the 15 pounds I have gained back. Oh! I was all set.

Unfortunately for everyone involved, I happened to see Francis in the middle of his litterbox use, and I do not want to go into great detail, but it became evident that something was very.very. wrong with Fran and he needed immediate medical intervention.

It wasn't pretty.

And you know what else isn't pretty? Getting that INSANE animal into a crate and/or taking him to the vet. Francis is feral, which means he was a wild, untamed cat when we got him. And I do not mean this in a romantic, Dennis Hopper, born-to-be-wild kind of a way. I mean this in a Francis-can-kill-you-if-he-wants-to kind of a way.

To visualize getting Fran into a crate? Imagine trying to lift a cannonball. An angry, heavy cannonball that has twenty razor-sharp knives sticking out of it. Twenty razor-sharp knives that thrash about uncontrollably. Imagine the cannonball also has fangs. That are headed for your jugular.

When I told Marvin what was wrong with Francis–who by the way was banned. BANNED. from our vet in LA–Marvin tried to talk me out of seeking medical help. Our cat was BLEEDING from his ORIFICLES and Marvin loves this cat, yet this is how awful it is to try to get this cat to do anything he does not wish to do.

"You know, he's pretty old," Marvin began. "And all he does is sit in that chair."

"DON'T GIVE ME ANY QUALITY OF LIFE ARGUMENTS!" I sobbed at Marvin. "GO GET A CAT CARRIER AND PUT ON YOUR SKI JACKET!"

Because don't think we don't need ski jackets. And gloves. And hockey masks. To get that cat in a crate. Because we do.

Of course, Fran had caught on at this point, and had waddled desperately to the closet, which was perfect. Marvin, in a suit of armor, went into the closet with the cat carrier, and here is what I heard.

"MrrrrrOWOWOWOWOWOW! Hssssssssssssssssss! RRRRRRooooWWWWWrrrrr! MAAAAARRR!"

"&&*$$#%!@!(##%! Ouch!"

"MAAARRWWWWWWWWWW! Hsssssssssssssssss." bang! bang! crash! "Hsssss!"

Marvin emerged, scarred but victorious.

We had a few minutes to spare, so we put poor Cannonball Run on the table for safekeeping. Naturally, Captured Fran was fascinating to everyone else.

Francage

Winston had to lord his alpha cat status over the poor caged beast. Note my laundry on the left. Remember last week? When I cleaned off this table? And there it is again, messy. It's not so much a dining room table as it is an everything surface. Including, apparently, captured berserk animals who are bleeding out their bung holes.

Curioushen

Henry watched, too. He is sitting in front of the box o' stuff I was gonna swap. The stuff that went right back up to the attic yesterday. Unswapped. Henry is also sitting on Richard Carpenter's face, and I'd like to make the obvious joke here, but can Richard Carpenter sue people for what they say in their blogs?

I don't even need to tell you why we have a notebook with Richard Carpenter on it. I mean, you find one in every household.

Anyway, two hours, $150, and a Hannibal Lecter blanket and mask later (no, really. They blanketed and masked this creature to do the tests), they found out that Francis has an irritated colon, they think. He has a pain in the butt, and it's not even Tallulah, for once.

So, Francis got a $52 shot and I have to check his waste for the next few days. Yes. His waste. Waste not, want not, I always say.

If it doesn't clear up he has to have a colonoscopy.

I hope that vet has good life insurance.

38 thoughts on “Fran and his corn hole. An unpleasant tale about unpleasantries under a tail.

  1. We have three ferals in the house. It’s worth it, but not when they absolutely need the vet. They rarely need it, thank goodness. I’m really impressed that you got the guy into a crate at all. Good on you!

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  2. Actually, you should hope the TECHS have life insurance. They’re the ones who keep the doc alive….ask to see their scars……

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  3. Oh! I’m so glad Fran is better! I love how the feline sibs are all concerned! My kitty was at the vet 2 days in a row last week after she had a reaction to her rabies and tetnus? shots! Now cheer up and go see Julie, Julia! It’s wonderful!

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  4. Omygawd, I really thought I was too old to get such a kick out of the words bung and hole. Just call me Beavis. I have three feral kittens in my bathroom right now. They will come running when I bring the food, but any other time they scram like they think I’m a kitten killer. Apparently it hasn’t dawned on them that if I’d wanted to kill ’em, I could have poisoned them days ago, the little oinkers.

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  5. Wow. Fran and your former reader both brought much drama to your life yesterday. As it were an a** was involved in each senerio.
    Glad Fran is better and that you and Marvin survived. Sorry you missed the swap meet. I was anxious to see your new loot.

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  6. I haven’t “heard” the words ‘bung hole’ since I was a kid watching Beavis and Butthead at night after my mom went to bed. I laughed.
    As for poor Fran, at least you caught it in time! And… pray. Pray for the poor people that work at the vet’s office that he doesn’t need a colonoscopy (there are far too many ‘o’s in that word).
    As an aside… may I link to you in my blogroll?

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  7. Sorry you missed your swap meet. Bummer.
    I’m ROFL at the Fran situation, not his bung hole problem, but trying to get him into the carrier. I feel your pain. I once had a cat I would put into a pillow case to take him to the vet and a feral cat that actually climbed the wall at the vet, those claws on the grass cloth allowed him to circle the top of the room, really. YOU will need pet health insurance for that colonoscopy.

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  8. Two things:
    1. In Ohio people play this bean bag toss game and call it corn hole. I giggle everytime and no one else seems to get the joke.
    2. I have heard that if you put the crate on its end with the door on the top, it is easier to get a cat in. Perhaps when you are in need of entertainment, you mind try it and video it for us?

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  9. Amy, you beat me to it. I WAS GONNA’SAY THAT! My Terrible Tootsie LeRoux actually grew extra appendages whenever it was time to go to the vet. They were attached to saber-like talons, so it was like trying to crate an alien or something but,I digress. Who’s surprised?
    The point IS that by setting the crate on edge and scooping her up in a towel, you could get her in the damnable contraption without a vivisection.
    Of course, then it was up to the tech to get her out… Her nickname at the vet was “Senderro Luminoso” (The Shining Path). They still shudder and make the sign of the cross a the mention of her name.

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  10. Amy, you beat me to it. I WAS GONNA’SAY THAT! My Terrible Tootsie LeRoux actually grew extra appendages whenever it was time to go to the vet. They were attached to saber-like talons, so it was like trying to crate an alien or something but,I digress. Who’s surprised?
    The point IS that by setting the crate on edge and scooping her up in a towel, you could get her in the damnable contraption without a vivisection.
    Of course, then it was up to the tech to get her out… Her nickname at the vet was “Senderro Luminoso” (The Shining Path). They still shudder and make the sign of the cross a the mention of her name.

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  11. Amy, you beat me to it. I WAS GONNA’SAY THAT! My Terrible Tootsie LeRoux actually grew extra appendages whenever it was time to go to the vet. They were attached to saber-like talons, so it was like trying to crate an alien or something but,I digress. Who’s surprised?
    The point IS that by setting the crate on edge and scooping her up in a towel, you could get her in the damnable contraption without a vivisection.
    Of course, then it was up to the tech to get her out… Her nickname at the vet was “Senderro Luminoso” (The Shining Path). They still shudder and make the sign of the cross a the mention of her name.

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  12. Poor Francis. I have a crazy (I mean feral) cat, too. When we were moving, we had to take my crazy cat in a crate; I didn’t know how crazy she was until then. She viciously scratched my uncle who was the only one who was brave enough to try and push her into the crate. He resorted to sticking her in a pillow case, so he could move her into the case without getting mangled. She was so angry with us, she hid in a cabinet for days.

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  13. Awww, poor Franny. Yeah, it’s tough dealing with ferals, though I got lucky and my feral is more take-life-as-it-comes, kinda like a fatalist or something. I hope Fran-Fran feels better. Get well Franny!
    Isn’t it fun deal with kitties at the vet? We had one that had to be muzzled like that just to give a shot. When we picked her up after a surgery the techs were all “You can go back in there and get her out of that cage.” They didn’t want to touch Ms. Cougar Growl Wild Eyes, Paws and Jaws.

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  14. Was “Cat Scratch Fever” playing on the radio on the way to the vet?
    Weak, I know. Sunday night and all. I’m a little off my game.
    Now, “Wigged-Out Cat At The Vet” cam I would watch!

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  15. i thought 1 of our wild OUTSIDE cats had a butthole that was falling out, lucky (?) for us, it was only 1 of his nutsacks (can i say that here?). My guess is during a cat-fight one of the other wild boys tore it open. Don’t worry, the ball dried up & fell off & the sack fixed itself. Dang, that is WAY WAY WAY too much info about a strange cats nutsack!
    ~misschell

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  16. OH, poor Fran! Heal well, Fearless Leader. You must get your bung in order so you can go back to being hateful.
    I understand ALL TOO WELL, the pilfering through cat poo scenario. Ack. I’ve been known to have to contain it and refrigerate it. Double ACK.
    And? I just bought the game Corn Hole for my kid’s 3rd birthday party. NOBODY thought I was funny. Fuddy duddies.

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  17. I just landed here from chinamommies blog and wanted to send my sympathy for your kitty. I hope everything comes out well in the end! You are such a HOOT!! i have been reading some of your past posts and laughing outloud ( I do it alot so no one notices now) I love your migrain medicine post. I could so relate!!

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  18. So it sounds to me like Disappointed Former Reader put a hoo-doo on your pets with her “I hope your pets are okay” statement.
    I hope Francis gets better and that a colonoscopy is not needed – even the word gives me the willies.

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  19. Oh dear. I’m so sorry for your bum Saturday. I missed you at the swapmeet. It was my first time to meet bloggy people in real life. So cool! I’ll show up for my lamp one of these days and I’ll even try to find something odd to swap for it.

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  20. Poor Francis (and June and Marvin)! I had cat when I was younger that was almost as difficult to get into the crate. She was deaf, and I think that picking her up just made her feel so out of control and afraid. So, getting her into the crate was definitely an adventure. Our vet had to give her a sedative just to clip her claws because we definitely weren’t able to do it (since none of us wanted to risk losing an eye). So, I definitely sympathize, and I know that Fran gets better soon!

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  21. Poor Fran! I’m first-hand familiar with the ski parka, heavy glove approach. It’s no fun for anyone. Sorry you missed your swap meet.

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  22. Linda is SO right! We need an exorcism or a pet blessing or something to get the hoo-doo off your babies!! Maybe you could burn some sage or something!? At least tie some garlic around their necks…

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  23. Took a trip down memory lane with “bung hole”. My dad was a surgeon who had his fingers in plenty of rectums. He said, “The human mouth has more germs than a freshly evacuated bung hole.” It kept us from making out with germy boys for at least awhile.
    Here in Massachusetts there is a liquor store called “Bunghole Liquors”.
    Get well soon, Fran!

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  24. Who here besides me wants to move immediately to the east coast and live in close proximaty to June so she can swap. Household items not bunghole bleeding feral cats.

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  25. I am so sorry to hear about Francis. I know you must have been worried through all of the mayhem. Not as drastic my 14lb orange and white long hair tabby not only throws up hair balls but they come out the other end as well. Many of them I have had to deal with myself. Please don’t make me go there again. I took a sample to the vet to make sure it wasn’t something to worry about. They look very different coming out the other end. Of course the vet tried to get me to bring him in for his wide variety of shots even though he is strictly indoors. OMG did I just do a Lois and turn the conversation back to me. 🙂 Hope Fran will be OK. I am sure you will keep us posted.

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  26. I’m laughing my butt off right now!!!! I found you through Nester, I’m so glad I did!
    I know excactly what stuffing poor Francis in the carrier sounded like, for I have done the very thing, of course not to Fran, but to many a cat. I worked in a vet clinic for 5 years. I was on the receiveing end of many a scratch and frequently used the hannible mask and blanket. Oh thanks for the good laugh, I needed it. I am glad Francis is ok.

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  27. I am so sorry that I am laughing so hard that I can hardly stand it! It’s not the story, but it’s the telling of the story. So sorry you missed the swap, but you got to tell a story that made me laugh my head off. I do remember once (you notice that I said “once”) when we had a cat who needed to go to the vet for shots. She knew it was coming, so she ran to the guest bedroom. We closed the door, but she went up under the bed and tore off the bottom lining of the box springs and got in among the springs. I unleashed my son, his friend and a broom to get that cat out of the mattress and into the carrier! Thanks again for sharing your hilarious cat story. Linda

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