Marvin, Don’t Lose that Number

Say, before I forget, if you somehow know my real name (because no, it isn't really June Gardens. How many people not age 187 do you know named June?) and have requested me as a Facebook friend? Please leave me a little comment on the request, like, "Hey, June, I read your stupid blog" so I know you're not just some groper who wants to friend me to steal my pork chops.

I have no idea why my pork chops mean so much to me. Oh, and that reminds me. Waitpeople of the South? YOU DON'T NEED TO CHECK ON US MORE THAN ONCE. Really. Come take the order, plunk it down, check on us one time and then bring the bill. That's all we want.

It is a PHENOMENON here, folks. The waitress will interrupt your scintillating conversation at least four times. "Everything still going okay?" "Y'all want some more sweet tea?" "Have I shown you pictures of my kids?" "Do y'all ever get bunions?" Every five minutes, like a gnat.

Seriously, today's waitress SAT IN THE BOOTH WITH US, and told us about her divorce. I understand you all pride yourselves on being friendly? But heavens to BETSY, just let us have dinner alone.

Perhaps my Yankee is showing.

Anyway, we had a good time on our trip. We went to a cabin in the mountains…
Cabin …after a horrifying mountain drive in which the road was a width of a bobby pin and had the straightness of Carson Kressley.

It was one of those mountain roads where one side drops off into oblivion, as opposed to one of those mountain roads that are right flush with ground level.

When I get nervous in the car, I get quiet, and Marvin tries to assuage my fears by acting super, super casual. So we're whipping around these Road Runner cliffs, and cars are careening toward us unexpectedly because it's so CURVY you have no idea what's next, and my fear is we'll round another nauseating bend and there will be a deer or a moose or Moose and Squirrel or whatever and we'll swerve and that'll be it.

So what Marvin does is he turns up the radio, and starts drumming to the music, and whistling, and playing air guitar, because there's nothing to fear, see, so why not PLAY AIR TRIANGLE while we make these HAIRPIN TURNS NINE THOUSAND FEET ABOVE SEA LEVEL.

Finally, I pointed out to Marvin that his casualness is not making me feel calmer. What WOULD make me feel calmer is knowing he was CLEARLY AWARE of the scariness of the drive and that he was giving it his FULL ATTENTION.

Oh, because did I also mention how he was obsessed with watching my GPS, and how the little map on the screen would twist and turn just like the road was twisting? It reminded me of the road signs in Pee Wee's Big Adventure where they show a normal curvy road sign, then a curvier sign, then a ridiculously convoluted twisty-ass sign. Anyway, Marvin was enjoying watching the VIRTUAL road more than the ACTUAL, HORRIFYING road, and anyway, it was a lovely way to start the romantic weekend, is what I'm saying to you.

View

Here was our view when we finally got there alive and still married.

Wildfleurs

Here was all the prettiness that ensued when we went on a hike. I tried not to think of snakes and Jason with the hockey mask and Blair Witch Project while we were traipsing in the woods.

Summerfield

Marvingardens

Do you think Marvin is wondering where he can get a quickie divorce out there in the mountains?

Blogshoes

Behold the sensible shoes I wore to go hiking. But they do match my blog.

Anyway, I lived through coming around the mountain AGAIN on the way back down. Marvin drummed to reggae music, which sounds exactly like oompah music to me, and he also jammed out to Chuck E's in Love and also not to mention Ricky Don't Lose that Number, like it's good.

Now we're back and we don't have Tallulah, because did I mention they don't allow DOGS in a CABIN, which, hello. Why NOT? Granted, it was a really tidy and nicely done cabin and maybe some dogs would chew it up, but MINE wouldn't. Much. Made me think of that Twilight Zone where the guy won't go to heaven if he can't take his dog.

Anyway, so Lula is still boarding at dog day care and so we are all cats, all the time people tonight and Francis is SO HAPPY. He's here in the computer room with me, so now we know his desire to stay on his chair all day is because of the dog and not because he has cat arthritis. Poor Fran. He probably thinks we dumped the dog in the mountains and now he's free! Free to be Fran and me!

How sad he'll be tomorrow when Lula comes flapping home.

…So what did everyone else do all weekend?

54 thoughts on “Marvin, Don’t Lose that Number

  1. I went on a lighthouse tour, which included going up into the tippy top of the lighthouse, which involved going up an 85-step open-grate spiral staircase that got smaller and smaller as it went up, and at several points there were people coming down so you had to meet only at one of the landings so they could squeeze by. It was cool, but the glass at the top was very, very encumbered with spiders and webs and dead bugs and live bugs, because who wants to clean the outside of the windows at a lighthouse? Also, hot air rises. But it was good to check off “lighthouse” on my bucket list.

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  2. OMG! Too many coincidences in this post!
    1. Years ago driving in the “hills” of WV, we encountered 2 tanker trucks coming around the curve… in BOTH lanes. One was trying to pass the other or something. Anyhow, we were on the outside lane, the one next to the *edge* of the road and the drop down the mountainside. Thank goodness my uncle was driving, or we’d have all bit the dust.
    2. My niece & nephew were over this weekend and we watched Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. My favorite part is still Large Marge & his face!
    3. I *LOVE* Free To Be You & Me!!! I have it on DVD and my original book from when I was a kid.
    And, I’m glad you guys are still married! πŸ™‚

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  3. This weekend has been spent knitting like a madwoman, because when you enter a shawl into the fair, you have to actually finish it.
    Also I do know your real name and for some strange reason facebook actually suggests you as a friend from time to time. I think I will friend you now because I know more about you than I know about the people I went to elementary school with, and they are my facebook friends.
    Lastly, I watched Pee Wee’s Big Adventure last weekend at the outdoor movies they run during the summer here. I love the sign part because you can see the track that the sign is moving on. Also the part where Pee Wee is pulling the long long chain out of his bike bag, you can see the chain coming up from the ground through the bottom of the bag. Wonderfully tacky!

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  4. I got to watch lots of TV online. I heart free streaming movies and tv shows. My hubby watched football, so we were both happy.
    Well, he probably would have been happier if I had watched football with him, but he watches it nearly EVERY DAY. It’s going to be on for months. I’ll probably end up watching at least 4 games this season. That’s a lot. So he shouldn’t complain.

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  5. First and foremost… that is my FAVORITE episode of The Twilight Zone and nobody seems to know what I’m talking about when I mention it. Doesn’t the dog refuse to go into “Heaven” and they wander down the road and then in *horror* you realize that was REALLY Hell and the dog wouldn’t go in no way, no how?
    OK… I went to a flag football game yesterday morning, then to the grocery for things I needed for a party last night, then I proceeded to a Luau Party.
    This morning I was awakened at 4:30am by a kid with an upset stomach. At 5:30, the baby decided to get up for the day and apparently was also suffering from some sort of stomach illness and I will spare you the details. We decided to switch bedroom today so my house is tore up from the floor up but we all have a bed, in a room, to sleep on. I went to the grocery again today. I also did four loads of laundry, picked up branches that were downed in a storm, made lunch and dinner and cleaned my kitchen two times. And now I’m off to bed, in a different room.

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  6. yesterday my husband turned 31. there wasn’t much of a to-do, just had 2 friends down for dinner (homemade spaghetti and meatballs). today we CLEANED and TIDIED and PRIMPED our house, b/c he likes to spread out his celebrating and we had several friends down, some of whom had never been to my house and didn’t know what a crap-hole it is. it was at this celebration that my sister announced to us that she is pg again, so that was very exciting, although they haven’t told his parents yet, so i can’t discuss it on facebook. so my current facebook status is “Cristy knows a secret” which isn’t terribly funny, except that my sister jumped on and said “ooooh, what is it?” all casual like. what a turkey. i’m sad that i don’t know your real name and get to chat with you on facebook. maybe someday i’ll be cool enough.
    such a pretty cabin though!
    p.s. tonight before bed we read Go Dog Go… it uses the word goodbye only it writes “Good-by”…. drives me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  7. We took our son to college and believe it or not, our waitress at dinner last night SAT ON THE FLOOR next to our table and told us how her boyfriend was going out with his friends that night and how he has cheated on her in the past and then she STARTED CRYING!!!

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  8. I am sad to say that I wholeheartedly believed your name was June and I am sorry it is not. The bloom is off the rose….I do not know who I am even reading any more. Is your dog really named Tallulah? Is Marvin really Marvin? (Oh probaby not). My weekend was good until this upset my apple cart…

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  9. Now June, how do you think Marvin will feel you mentioning him along side of Pee Wee? After a romantic weekend?! Just wondering…gee I’m from the south, so I went to a gunshow…yes.It’s true.

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  10. Your name is not really June Gardens? I thought that your mom was just maybe a hippy or something…Anyway, this weekend I worked, ten hours on Saturday, six today. Not nearly as fun as near death experiences and romantic getaways, but oh well!
    Also, in the your information section of this comment, I typed my email, and then put my email password, because I’m so used to tying that right after the email. Good thing I caught it or you would have been able to read all my personal emails! Like the sale at Lane Bryant and my facebook notification that someone commented on a picture I had also commented two years ago.
    -Whitni

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  11. Glad you made it back safely.
    I am dog sitting and shop sitting for my daughter while she is away having fun in Bali.
    Flew home on one of those tiny planes and let me tell you when it starts doing bumps, jumps and weaving—I would much rather be on the ground. Landed with a big bang and bump.
    Attended my granddaughters mini debutante ball. They were so cute 4-5 year olds all dressed up and doing their presentation and dance. Then flew back to look after the shop and dogs again. And another delightful small plane trip. Not a keen flyer on small planes–guess you could tell.

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  12. “The straightness of Carson Kressley” HA!!! Now, that’s one for the books. I laughed out loud for real and then I started choking. What a hoot! Carson is my very favorite one of the Fab Five.
    What did I do this weekend? Saturday I fought traffic and road closures to go do a prenatal visit with a client and then worse traffic coming home. I watched a movie last night with my husband on pay per view. It was called Arranged. About 2 young teachers in NYC, one Orthodox Jewish and the other Muslim and their similarities and differences. It was a 3 *** out of 5.
    Today I did my Sunday a.m. ritual of drinking a huge mug of tea and reading the obits. Then I spent 2 hours on the phone with my sister planning her son’s wedding rehearsal dinner.
    Just another weekend in paradise over here . . . . πŸ™‚

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  13. I went to a Chinese restaurant once and the service was so Prompt and Forceful that it was positively rude. We ordered, ate and were ushered out in about 15 minutes. I think it may have actually been a drug front that just sold really tasty food.
    My Mum drives the way Marvin does on mountain roads. I figured out it’s because she is obviously behind the steering wheel and therefore towards the middle of the road, while I am clutching the window wildly, staring out over the precipice just inches away. My Mum doesn’t air guitar though. I think I would like her more if she did.
    That Carson Kressley comment rocked my world, thanks =) I did nothing on the weekend, which you would know from my facebook status, cause I am totally after your pork chops.

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  14. Well, June, this weekend, I finally caught up on your blog! I’ve been ill and off work for the past couple of weeks, and ended up on your Bye Bye, Buy blog quite by accident, and then moved onto this one.
    I don’t think I’ve ever laughed on hard. Milk came out of my nose because of that post about your old diaries. If I’d been reading when that contest was on for the funniest blog, you definitely would have had my vote. Keep up the good work.
    My partner drives like Marvin does all the frickin’ time, except he’s really not paying attention at all. I wonder why I get in the car with him sometimes.
    And how’s this for cultural stereotyping? The only time I get harassed by waitpeople in a restaurant is when the restaurant is “American-themed”, like TGI’s or something similar. If it isn’t, you’re lucky to get asked once if the food is okay. Because us Brits are just so unfriendly!

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  15. I fasted and meditated. In a vision I saw your true name: Delilah. And in my vision I saw you and your blog matching shoes. It was a bit 25 or 6-2-4 …

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  16. My travel tip is dramamine…I never take a trip without it. Besides the whole motion thing it makes you sleepy in a nice way so you don’t think too much about careening off a mountainside.
    We’ve been living in the UK for a few years and have just moved back to the US… the first night we were back the waiter sat down next to me in the booth. Freaked me out a little. We were in NJ though which I think made it even a little creepier…I’m married to a Southerner so I expect extra friendly when I’m in the south.
    I accompanied my husband to a car show this weekend which I complained about, I mean wrote about, in my blog yesterday.
    Happy Monday.

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  17. “But they do match my blog.” Again you slay me, Not-Really-Named-June.
    My weekend consisted of horrible manual labor, for which I was ill-prepared and I am in embarrassing shape, so I am suffering mightily with aches in places I didn’t know I had.

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  18. Oh, “June”(and I’m so disappointed that isn’t your real name), what a lovely weekend! Beats mine all to heck (painted the new bathroom). Where was this cabin in the woods? I hope you got in some good relaxing, when not avoiding snakes. Your photos were great!

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  19. Had a lovely weekend “up North” in beautiful Michigan in the Leelanau penninsula. Just about my favorite place. Yeasterday, on our way out of town, we stopped at a small motel/restaurant for breakfast. I had seen a cute ad in the paper for them. After waiting close to 30 miutes, with only one other couple in the place and they had been served, I asked the cook, who had strolled in from the back, if there was a problem, he said “our food was ready and it wasn’t their fault that they only had one waitress”
    At that point we left money on the table for our coffee and left. Grrrr. Your mountain cabin looked great.

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  20. The “straightness of Carson Kressley…” Now that is fabulous! Glad to see your sense of humor did not get lost in the mountains. Oh, and cute shoes. As for my weekend…June, I have 3 children so I wiped bottoms and picked up 347 matchbox cars.

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  21. My weekend sucked. My birthday was yesterday and it sucked. Sorry to be the downer here. But hey, I do know someone named June. Her real name – pay attention – her real name is Jackie but after high school she changed it to June. So June was her OWN CHOICE. Amazing. And the really strange thing is (you can’t make this stuff up) you sort of look like her.

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  22. My weekend consisted of waiting on my husband hand and foot because he hurt his back. It was okay up until the point he was leaning out of the window telling me how to prune the watermelon vines. I resisted the strong urge to strangle him with one of the vines. I would make a horrendous nurse.
    We used to live on top of a mountain in Asheville, NC. When my in-laws came to visit we would take bets on who would be the first one to barf as we made our way up the winding mountain road. It was so much fun!

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  23. June I feel your panic. Kahuna drove our 40 ft motor home on PCH 1 between Santa Barbara and San Francisco. You know the one I’m talking about with the twisty turny if you miss you end up on the rocks in the Pacific Ocean. He did this while talking on his cell phone. Did I mention we were towing our car? I am amazed we made it through that not only not smashed and drowned but still married.

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  24. My Grandma’s name is June. Because she was born in June. OBVIOUSLY a lot of thought and planning went into THAT.
    I pulled weeds, mowed the lawn, then cleaned TWO bathrooms. Then I drank beer. Yay beer.

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  25. Yankee and I have talked about moving to Asheville, but I think the whole mountain driving would be a huge problem because he’s terrified of heights (did I mention he’s an airline pilot?), so he likes to drive as far from that drop off to oblivion as possible which means when someone comes around the curve in his own lane, he finds us in his lane as well.
    I found a pair of Marc Jacobs shoes that matched my blog. I would have bought them, too, except I couldn’t bring myself to pay $225 for a pair of keds with a cat painted on it. Now that I’ve seen how a pair of matching shoes can really make a blog, I regret not forking over the big bucks.

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  26. June0-who-must-not-be-named (Can you tell I’ve been rabidly listening to Harry Potter on CD all weekend?),
    I went to Cape Cod and swam in swirly, warm ocean water with the merest hint of Hurricane Bill’s pull. Seven college friend’s met for a 40th birthday get-together and flipped around in the water like middle-aged dolphins in their skirted swimsuits. Loved it. Then, to Waterfire in Providence, RI which was transcendent. It’s a really cool outdoor event where they light bonfires on the river and have music. It was cool.
    Plus, I Yoko’d my beagle, Walter, but he didn’t notice because he is the KING of Yoko-ing. Seriously, what is going through his mind when his snout is an inch from my face?

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  27. i had an atrocious weekend of which i will not talk about. and i’m stunned that you really aren’t june. i like june.
    πŸ™‚

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  28. My boyfriend and I went to lunch yesterday, and the staff must have been bored, because they came by no less than three times in five minutes.
    A few years ago, my friend, her boyfriend, and I went to Hooters. The waitress wrote a note on a napkin, and passed it to my friend’s boyfriend. After she leaves, we open the napkin to find that it says “Always let the woman order first!”. After we had our laughs, she came back and spent some time venting to us about her boyfriend who may have been on his way to ex-ville.
    I didn’t think the area I lived in was terribly mountainous, but then I took a trip to the store and found myself surrounded by mountains. There’s also a nice little road on a nearby mountain where you can look out and see the city. It’s pretty spiffy.

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  29. Junie, I’m happy to say I do know your real name and consider you my bestest, oldest friend. (I know how jealous some of you must be!)
    My hubby and I are looking for a getaway place next week – on a lake in NH so we can take the doggies with us. I do not like mountain roads like you described. When we were in the British Virgin Islands, I had to close my eye and LEAN in toward the middle of the car for fear that we were going to tumble into the ocean. Roads there are VERY scary. Oy.
    Glad you’re back safe and sound!

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  30. We went on vacation in June and decided to take the scenic route back, by way of Trail Ridge Road in Rocky Mountain National Park. Big mistake. I was reduced to a quivering mass of goo, eyes shut, whispering “Just shoot me” through most of the scenic drive.
    Saturday was my daughter’s ninth birthday, so we made cake and had the family birthday party. On Sunday we took her out for her birthday dinner at a favorite Chinese restaurant. And we listened all weekend to my beloved Rockies kick some San Fran bootie. And ignored the Broncos.

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  31. This road could not have been any worse than the Road to Moab when you saw the dead cow in the river and I had to look at it while trying to keep the vehicle in the correct lane and on the highway. Come to think of it, that highway did not have lanes because of the annual spring rockslide.

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  32. Let’s see a few things: First, glad that you are still married…hmmm, considering there probably wasn’t a jugge on the road to grant the divorce, I’m thinking I should be saying “Congrats that no one felt the need to leave someone by the side, er, over the side of the road.”
    Second, I’m loving the cabin’s views, how serene!
    Third: That is my favorite Twilight Zone episode!

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  33. This weekend? Maybe possibly probably bought a house!! Waiting to get confirmation that they accepted our offer but it’s the amount they said they wanted so it’s very very nearly definite. Scary!
    I remember years ago on a driving holiday around Europe my Dad made my sister drive over mountain passes in the Alps “to improve her driving confidence”. I was so glad I hadn’t passed my test yet.

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  34. Um, I think that was me with an unidentified friend request – don’t hold it against me! What a great weekend trip – glad you made it back in one piece!

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  35. I had a stress filled mess o’ weekend, thank you very much! We spent it at the hospital with my husband’s step-father and his mother. He has Parkinson’s, was paralyzed for two or three days before Mom got her mind wrapped around the fact that she should call somebody to see what’s wrong with him! Not her fault. She’s suffering from demensia. She’ll ask you if you’ve met her dog, Charlie, every one second or so. Everyday’s a new day at Mom’s house.
    Lovely.

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  36. I had a stress filled mess o’ weekend, thank you very much! We spent it at the hospital with my husband’s step-father and his mother. He has Parkinson’s, was paralyzed for two or three days before Mom got her mind wrapped around the fact that she should call somebody to see what’s wrong with him! Not her fault. She’s suffering from demensia. She’ll ask you if you’ve met her dog, Charlie, every one second or so. Everyday’s a new day at Mom’s house.
    Lovely.

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  37. I had a stress filled mess o’ weekend, thank you very much! We spent it at the hospital with my husband’s step-father and his mother. He has Parkinson’s, was paralyzed for two or three days before Mom got her mind wrapped around the fact that she should call somebody to see what’s wrong with him! Not her fault. She’s suffering from demensia. She’ll ask you if you’ve met her dog, Charlie, every one second or so. Everyday’s a new day at Mom’s house.
    Lovely.

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  38. Let’s see…I took care of my four kiddos, two dogs, one husband, and my visiting family (one sister, one mom, one dad). So I made approximately 27 breakfasts, lunches and dinners. I finished school shopping, did laundry, and did NOT start reading the book club book…maybe tonight!

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  39. Jess, I think it is a rule on this blog that you are not allowed to mention “Hooters” and “mountains” in the same post. Maybe that was just for me.
    I was trying to support Team Marvin this weekend by woo-ing Beth for an entire day. I was not smooth enough to think of the near-death approach, although I did try “the standing with my hands on my hips pretending I was interested in what she was interested in” look.

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  40. Went and listened to Don Piper, who wrote “90 Minutes in Heaven.”
    (And we love our “mountains” here in Tennessee….but I dislike the winding mt roads too. But these hills call our name..)
    And I would totally be your fb friend if I knew your real name!

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  41. 1. You need real hiking shoes. Seriously. All I could think when looking at that photo is how annoying poison ivy would be on a peep-toe. Although the shoes are cute.
    2. Ricky Don’t Lose That Number is a good song. Although Ricky Don’t Loose That Number might be a better theme song for LOST.
    3. I went on a date this weekend. With a guy who told me I seemed “guarded.” At which point I told the Secret Service to try and be a little more subtle.
    Guardedly yours,
    Juice

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  42. My husband’s driving scares the living daylights out of me, so I’ve made the rule that if we are in a vehicle together…. I AM DRIVING IT. That rule has saved our marriage.
    Glad you had a good weekend… with no guilt that Lula was suffering at doggy daycare.

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  43. Ha, your “Yankee is showing.” More like your German is showing. I am former Michigander living in Germany and would be thrilled if a server sat down with us. I’m so tired of getting out the flare gun to flag down the server just to get the check. Refills…forget about it.
    As for my weekend, I spent it in Israel. Talk about frigging hot. I strongly suggest not ever going in the summer.

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  44. One of my best friends is June. I don’t know how she ended up with June, because she was born in February.
    That cabin? Well, it looks just like the cabin where the couple was “found” by the pizza delivery man who thought she had been kidnapped. Police arrives, arrests the man and sat in jail for a long time before all the facts could be sorted out. Come to find out, she was part of the plot, it was a secret getaway for weekend. He was married, she was a co-worker and now he’s out of jail and divorced.
    That mountain ride would not be something I would volunteer to do, so I’m right there with you in the fear department. So glad you made it home safe. Poor Fran. 😦

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  45. You’re not really June? I agree with Mary. I’m not sure what to believe . . . I had a great weekend. Even though I can’t remember much other than enjoying a bottle of wine.

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  46. 1. I have a friend named June. She is under 30.
    2. Our romantic weekend involved tenting with my parents. Cause there’s nothing sexier for a man than a thin polyester barrier separating him from his in-laws.
    3. I would friend you on Facebook but I only know your first name. Same as my mom’s.

    Like

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