Her name is Rio

Dear people who go to Target,

News flash. We DO NOT WANT TO HEAR YOUR PHONE CALL. Really! We don't care that "Ohhh. Ohhhhh. Oh, that's so sad. Yeahh." You know, it kind of sounds like an emo call. Maybe you could, I don't know, CONCENTRATE ON YOUR FRIEND AND NOT SHOP AT TARGET AT THE SAME TIME!

How much do you like me for saying "emo"?

Plus also, remind me to never, ever go to Target at 5:30 p.m. on a weekday ever again. When I was little, my mother said I used to sit in the grocery cart and screech, "Get out of my way!" at the crowds. I really feel exactly the same now. Maybe I'll CALL SOMEONE AND DISCUSS IT IN THE CARD AISLE.

In other news, somehow we have a slide show now when our computer rests, which happens about .0004 seconds a day. What did Marvin and I do before we had the Internet? You know what? We never did. I remember I moved in with him and he had to show me how to use it. And I found Jennycam and that was it.

Did anyone else watch that? It was this totally regular woman who had camera in her house and you could watch her all day. I.Was.OBSESSED. Ob.SESSSSSSED. with Jennycam.

Anyway, so somehow we get this slide show of our pictures and you have no idea how many times we have sat here like morons looking at all our old photos. Finally I said, "Where ARE all these pictures?" and Marvin said, "I dunno" and so I searched and found them. They were in this file called "Pictures." I know! I am Miss Marple.

Here are some pictures I found.

Goodbye

There's Marvin at our goodbye party in LA. Lookin' manly.

Goodbyegirl

There's me. I'll bet everyone misses my bra strap.

Luchest

Remember when we first moved here, and I lived here alone and Marvin had to still live in TinyTown for two months? All I had was this chair, the dog, and my computer. I totally sound like The Jerk right now. "All I need is this remote, and this thermos!" Anyway, look at who is little.

Marvnlu

Awww.

Luv

I guess most of the pictures I plucked out for you from the mysteriously titled "Pictures" file are all puppy pictures of Lu. Look how she was the same size as Winston. Winston would give his left patoo for that to still be the case. Tallulah ate that bed soon after.

Speaking of patoos, if you didn't read yesterday's post you do not know that I proposed a fabulous new idea called Make June Do It, where you have me do things you've always wondered about but for some reason didn't do. Don't annoy me like the cell people at Target; go read yesterday's post so you'll know the rules.

Anyway, it would appear that a great many of you want me to wax myself bald on my lady parts (and I use the term "lady" sort of loosely) and also use some sort of hair implement called the BumpIt. Faithful Reader Shana, you'll be pleased to hear, is sending me her BumpIt. Also too? I told Marvin I had to get a Brazilian.

"No, you don't," he said.

"Yes, I do. I said I'd do whatever as long as it wasn't scary like bungee jumping, and about 8 million people said to do it."

Don't men LIKE the Brazilian? I thought that's why women did it. I have the only husband in the world who prefers the Jiffy Pop look. Nevertheless, I'm gonna do it. Balance Day Spa does it for $50, which is $10 over budget. I will keep you posted re this important topic.

Oh! And one more thing. We are having people over this weekend, so at Target I got some wine, then as I was leaving I almost forgot it. The checkout girl said, "Don't forget your wine! I know that's important!"

Okay. Do I look like WC Fields? Do I have a bulbous red nose (don't answer that)? Why do I look like wine is important? Is it my corkscrew tattoo and "I Heart a Beaujolais Buzz" t-shirt?

She knows wine is important.

Maybe  it was my cell phone ring tone that played "Red, red wine."

0 thoughts on “Her name is Rio

  1. Yay! I can’t wait for the BumpIt edition of MJDI!
    Oh, also, I think your open letter to the shoppers of Target could be expanded to the people at the supermarket, too. (Grrrr.)

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  2. ” have the only husband in the world who prefers the Jiffy Pop look.”
    OK, I nearly spit out my fried pie. Because I am 1)healthy and 2)staying on task at work.
    p.s. please don’t forget that my MJDI was for you to friend me on facebook. you know my first name, and my last name is a famous brand of grape juice. i can remind you regularly if you want. b/c I’m not stalkerish at all.
    p.p.s. did you ever see the bookclub theme idea I sent? it was posted in comments a few days ago.

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  3. I heart Lula. I love that innocent, “woe is me” look she sports so well.
    I wanted to suggest the Brazilian, but I didn’t want to seem odd. Lucky me, you have other odd readers who suggested it for me. I’ve always wanted to do that, but am absolutely terrified. Not so much of the pain, just the thought of someone seeing my lady parts other than a significant other or the “not fun” doctor. I actually refer to the “not fun” doctor’s table as “Gyno Disneyland” because it’s a chair that becomes a bed with your feet in the air with a push of a button.
    Wow, you really know too much about me. I’ll stop rambling now.

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  4. Junie,
    Those pictures of our little Talu are just too cute. I forgot how small she was when you first got her. Little peanut. My, how quickly they grow up!
    And, I cannot believe you’d get a Brazilian without even a twinge of anxiety. That’s one sensitive *area* and the thought of yanking the hair out by the roots? Yowza. No thanks. That’s equal to bungee-jumping for me!

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  5. June, I am afraid for you. Brazilians are not pleasant from what I hear told from those brave souls who have undergone it. Just dye your Betty hair (down there). It’s gotta be more comfortable.
    “Prefers the Jiffy Pop look”… You SLAY me.
    Also? Went to the salon today. Got my hair Chi-d. I had it done last time I was there. I was the first client my girl was using her brand new Chi on. I just didn’t understand how wonderful Chi’s were then.

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  6. Now at first I thought “How is she going to report back to us on this? I hope it’s not going to be full of photos showing the whole thing!” Then I wondered what Jiffy Pop is, I had to google it. And it’s some kind of popcorn? Now I can’t wait to see the photos, I have never seen anyone who’s private parts look like popcorn. The mind boggles. And pops.

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  7. Ok, so after the Bumpit and the Brazilian, would you please get a tatoo for me. I’ve been meaning to, but find I’m mostly busy, plus lily-livered. Just something small, one single red cherry w/short stem, and cheap, not over forty dollars in keeping with the budget thingy. Put it on your foot like the Dixie Chicks and their chicken feet and probably no one will notice till they are preparing you to meet your maker, at which time someone will say, “Why in the deuce would anyone put a cherry on their foot” and you can provide the question of the ages for some lucky person. Whadda ya say?

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  8. Also in your open letter? Please include people in the public restroom. There is nothing nastier than someone carrying on a personal call in the can. Grossness, people!
    Re: MJDI. Do not get the Brazilian. It will be more painful than your corpse tooth.

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  9. I hope you didn’t call around and look for the best deal in town on the Brazilian. Because, I’m thinking this is not the best situation to go cheap! I’m just sayin!

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  10. Re: the brazillian, You will cry and not just while it’s happening, even hours later. Make sure they don’t pull to hard and tear your lady parts.You’ll have to email me for anymore details.

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  11. Why would Mr. Clean no so much about brazillians. June: Please don’t do this. You are going to end up weirdly striped. They will do one batch and you won’t let them do anymore and you will be uneven and off balance and IN PAIN. Plus, somethings are pretty with clothes on…

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  12. Oh I have a whole list of cell phone irritations:
    1. At the grocery store. Bonus points if you pick up while in line (the only acceptable conversation ought to be thus: “Hey, I’m about to check out. Let me call you right back.” Click.).
    2. at CHURCH!
    3. People who pick up and try to have a whispered convo instead of leaving the area. Which simply prolongs the agony because you have to repeat things 3 times in successively louder whispers.
    4. While on a date (!). Seriously, unless there is bloodshed or your elderly grandma is on life support, I don’t want you to answer the phone. I AM RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF YOU BEING CUTE AND DATABLE!
    Funny, I’m still single. Coincidence?

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  13. Will you yell “Oh Kelly Clarkson!” like Steve Carrell did in the 40 year old virgin when he had his chest waxed? Oh, this is going to hurt.

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  14. Note to self: not only do not scan June’s post prior to reading but do not eat whilst reading said posts: “Jiffy pop” made me snort laff while I was eatting watermelon and kinda like the popular coke out the nose laff I have now invented the watermelon seed out your nose laff.

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  15. In the spitir of full disclosure—ohmygod wait. LOOK at how I spelled “spirit”! Spitir! Oh, I am in love with my own self. Spitir.
    Anyway, in the spitir of full disclosure, I stole that Jiffy Pop reference from Howard Stern, who I steal everything from. Howard is with me in spitir all the time.

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  16. June – Please think this MJDI task over. It is going to be more pain than you can imagine, then it is going to be “irritated” for days and then stubble will appear in a week or so and I promise you that is the itchy worst part of this.

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  17. I never leave comments, but I had to pop in to say that this week’s comment of the week must go to June for:
    Don’t men LIKE the Brazilian? I thought that’s why women did it. I have the only husband in the world who prefers the Jiffy Pop look.
    I spit out my pasta through my nose when I read that.

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  18. I do waxing for a living – it really isn’t all that bad. Make sure that the person waxing takes the hair in small strips… not big ones – huge difference!
    If you go to a skilled waxer, it shouldn’t be that bad.
    I have to second the request for you to yell Kelly Clarkson! OMG, I almost wet myself when I watched that movie!! For the record – that waxing in the movie was NOT the proper way – it was hard for me to watch, because it really would have been painful.
    Good luck!!!

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  19. Worse than answering the phone in church? Answering the phone at a FUNERAL!!! I sat behind someone who did that at our classmate’s funeral, while the dad or someone was speaking. Very quiet. And then his phone rang. And he answered it.
    Wow, that was like, seven years ago. Bitter much?
    I agree about getting a cute, tiny tattoo on the bottom of your foot. I know someone who did that. Just a little smiley face. So that when the person puts the “she’s dead” tag on her foot, the toe will be smiling!

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  20. Your Target sells WINE??? I have to go to a liquor store to buy wine. And in Ohio, I could get both wine and liquor at my Kroger, but in the next burg over, they sold wine but only half-strength alcohol in groceries (who would buy 40 proof vodka?? watered down tequila?) I miss Michigan, seems like you could buy anything, anytime, anywhere. Now I have to plan ahead or find myself at a liquor store at 9:45 on a Friday night seeing sights I would prefer not to – like the couple nearly going at it in the car outside the store, with that going on, why did they need to add (more) alcohol to the mix??? Anyway, wine at the grocery would be a step in the right direction, but the legislature keeps voting it down thanks to the powerful liquor lobby. So silly.
    Good luck with the Brazilian. Maybe you want to review part of “40 Year-Old Virgin” before you go . . .

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  21. Since photos of the actual, um, results of this MJDI are out of the question, how about photos of your facial expressions as it is being done. It’ll almost be like we’re all there with you.

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  22. Jiffy Pop. You kill me!
    Since the Brazilian is over your budget, how about just doing one side? You could be bald on the right, jiffy pop on the left. Or vice versa…whatever floats Marvin’s boat.

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  23. “I’m picking out a thermos for you, not an ordinary thermos for you, (la la la…….) and a rear end thermometer too!”
    I don’t think I would attempt the Brazillian. What if you can’t stand the pain after one rip? That would not be attractive.

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  24. I don’t know how things work exactly when one becomes decommissioned, but the general advice for those of us that can still make babies is that we are least sensitive to pain the week after our periods, so that’s the best time to get hair ripped out of your lady-parts. I’ve made the mistake of trying to get it done later in the month and it really makes a difference. Doing it the right week, it’s really not that bad.

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  25. I would really like to know why grown men find grown women sporting the hairless look of of a 9 yr. old girl sexy. I mean seriously, especially of you are a father to little girls? eeww.
    TRUE STORY: Many years ago I wanted to shock my husband for his birthday and used Nair first, then shaved the rest of that baby bare. Problem is, I was so nervous I did a couple (3-4) shots of 151 Rum on an empty stomach first. He was totally into it before I got sick as a dog. Poor guy spent his birthday sitting alone watching t.v.. The next day I was sporting a
    5 o’clock shadow.
    You know, I can’t help but wonder if your 84 yr. old reader is totally disgusted with all this “dirty talk”. Would LOVE to hear her thoughts!

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  26. Just this ashtray. This ashtray…and this paddle game, that’s all I need!
    My lady bits are in a perpetual cringe here at the thought of you getting a Brazilian. Can’t you go old school and hand Marvin a can of Barbasol and a lady bic?

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  27. I don’t want to hear any on the phone, period! I was in a dentist waiting room last week and a man came in, plopped his big fat self down and was on the phone. I was so put out I asked him to take his conversation outside because we didn’t want to hear it. I was surprised, he went outside. When we left, 45 minutes later, he was still on the phone talking. I’m glad I spoke up.
    No comment on the other issue, other than don’t do it!

    Like

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