My torrid affair with Marvin

I have been trying to type you for the last five minutes, but Henry keeps walking across the keyboard. He is in the mood for love. Simply because I'm near him. And perhaps because he is hungry.


He keeps purring and rubbing his head on me, so who am I to not pet his orange self?


Obsessed Henry aside, I gathered you all here today to tell the story about Marvin. I know some of you have read my whole blog, and even my old blog (, in case you didn't know), so you know the story of Marvin and how I met him and trapped him into marrying me. But not everybody does.

When I was a teenager, I used to dream of my perfect man. He would have dark, curly hair (I do not know why), he would be smart, funny, and slightly neurotic. Think of if Pa Ingalls had Woody Allen's personality. I always hoped that I'd meet said man and we'd end up talking all night. Because that's what girls fantasize about, my four male readers. We fantasize about TALKING all night. I am sorry.

What I did not know at the time, because I was in fricking SAGINAW, MICHIGAN, was that what I was really looking for was a Jewish man. I mean, I hate to stereotype, but come on. Once I got to Michigan State, I got put into the Jewish dorm for some inexplicable reason (they had kosher food. That's what I mean by the Jewish dorm. It wasn't, like, Sol Goldstein Hall or something), and after, oh, eight hours there I was all, "Ohmygod! I LOVE JEWISH MEN!"

So started my lifelong fetish for the Chosen People. I also kind of have a fetish for broad-shouldered, shaved-headed African American men, but that is a whole 'nother June's love life post.

My entire freshman year I spent crushing on various boys in my dorm, but do you know what did not happen? Even though we knew all the same people, even though there is no way to explain it? What did not happen, even once, is I DID NOT MEET MARVIN EVEN THOUGH WE LIVED IN THE SAME DORM. He was friends with one of my BOYFRIENDS. His best friend had a HUGE crush on one of my good friends! And yet? We never met.

We sound like that couple in When Harry Met Sally, don't we? "He was on 142nd Street. I was on Fordham Road. And we neva met. Can you believe that?"

Marvin and I wonder how many times we were in line together in the cafeteria. We wonder if we were ever down in Middle Earth at the same time, ordering nachos. (Middle Earth was this little restaurant in the basement of our dorm, and above the door it read, "Friendship is offered to all who enter Middle Earth." Okay, it was 1984. The whole Middle Earth hobbit thing could not have been more outdated.)

(Middle Earth. Good gravy.)

Anyway, do you know when we met? The first day of the SECOND year of Michigan State. My roommate said, "Let's go off campus where these guys I know have what is soon to be a very unsanitary house."

As soon as we got there, I saw him. And I'm telling you. You know that annoying overused sound effect where the needle scratches across the record? That totally happened in my head. Everything stopped. He had curly dark hair (yes, I know it's not curly anymore. I think it is too short now to be curly) and he was CUTE CUTE CUTE. Oh! I knew he was it. I KNEW!

I was smitten with the Marvin.

So guess what I did. I'll tell you what I did. I whipped out my personality.

You know what? It took me years, YEARS to figure out that funny female does not equal sexy.  I mean, you never hear anyone say, "I have ALWAYS wanted to hump that Lucille Ball." And she's actually PRETTY, Lucille Ball. There is something about funny that does not draw in the men. But I did not know this in 1985 when I was trying to reel in the Marvin. Oh, I got out my best material. I was non-stop. It was all June, all the time over there at Marvin's unsanitary house.

When I left? He said, "Well. Wasn't SHE Miss Funny."

The entire year I spent wishing Marvin would show up at parties or that we'd cross paths, and whenever we did, "HELLO MY BABY, HELLO MY DARLIN', HELLO MY RAGTIME GAL!" Oh! Personality plus, over here. And Marvin would be all, "Yeah. Um, hi." Which only made me HEART HIM MORE.

I'll tell you when that yahoo finally gave me the time of day. SPRING TERM. After I'd grown out my perm, dyed my hair blonder and had a tan. My friend and I went over to his HAZMAT house and man Polly, quit cryin', suddenly Marvin was SO ATTENTIVE. Whatever with his deep self.

85 001
What I looked like when I dated Marvin. I know, right? Mmm!

And did I care that he only liked me when I looked cuter? No! Hell, no! I'd take Marvin any way I could get him. So we commenced to dating. That whole summer. Oh! I thought Marvin was the cat's meow. I'd DASH home from my pressing job as a restaurant hostess, FALL onto my answering machine button, HOPING he'd have called.

I liked me the Marvin. So bad.

One night, we were out with this other couple and I forget why, but we all ended up at Marvin's house, and the other couple fell asleep, and you know what Marvin and I did?

We talked all night. Until it was light out! Sigh.

And then? Marvin went away. He went to stupid BOSTON to school. He wasn't gonna stay at Michigan State anymore, that traitor.

So we broke up. It was the unprettiest breakup you have ever seen. The tears! The shouting! The beer bottles tossed about! Of course, all of that was me. Marvin remained his usual stoic self, and I knew I had TOTALLY BLOWN it when I had a dramatic don't-leave-me tizzy fit, and he calm.calm.calmly walked out of my house and drove away.

Tune in tomorrow for How I Got Marvin Back Ten Years Later and Then Ended Up Having to be Married to Him for All Eternity.

P.S. Oh! And I know I have you all on pins and needles and you're worried sick I'll never snag that Marvin again, but I did want to say Comment of the Week went to Bell. Well, really, Bell's kid.

0 thoughts on “My torrid affair with Marvin

  1. i’m not a long time reader so the whole “i’m in love with marvin” story is fab. and you looked totally 80s hot. lol. sorry. the 80s were bad for everyone.


  2. I LOVE this blog SO MUCH that I nominated it for FOUR Bloggers Choice Awards: Best Animal Blog; Best Blog About Stuff; Best Blog Of All Time (well, I think so!); Best Humor Blog. Hope you don’t mind! I’m on TEAM JUNE!


  3. First of all, super funny post – this is good stuff. Super funny does NOT equal sexy and I didn’t get that til you just wrote it and I read it. (smites forhead).
    Next – can I make a suggestion? When someone gets the comment of the week, could you link to it or copy it ( I KNOW, extra work) b/c my curiosity gets the better of me, and being out of work and all (extra time) I have to go back and LOOK IT UP. And really, it’s a lot for me.
    Plus, it’s my birthday today, so be kind when you go complaining about my suggestion. Do you like how I capitalized some things in this comment and used hyphens so liberally?


  4. Long time stalker, I mean reader here. I know the whole Marvin story but non the less,love to hear it again. Saw pictures of the unsanitary house on Marvin’s twitter link…boy, that was one nice house (clearing my throat).


  5. I’m hearting your lurv story almost as much as that tan and your pink frosty lipstick. I’m on the edge of my seat for tomorrow’s edition. Since Marvin seems to recall it happening differently, how about having him guest post his version of how it all started?


  6. I don’t know that I’ve ever heard the complete version of this story before. But I do love it so far. You should tell it every year. I won’t get tired of it.
    But did you have to break it up into two parts??!? I won’t be around tomorrow!! I have to wait 12 whole days to read part deux, and also to read everything else you’ll post while I’m away from the internet.
    Also, now that I read Marvin’s comment, I want to hear his side of the story. Do you think you can convince him to do a guest post?


  7. PLEASE have Marvin does his version! PLEASEEEEEE!
    My husband and I had that same departure story, where I cried and said, YOU can’t just LEAVE and he did. 4 months later we got engaged. 🙂


  8. Bummer. That could’ve been another good read. Sorry to get the others into a tizzy about Marvin posting his side of things. At any rate, I’ll tune in for the rest tomorrow!


  9. Look at you and your hot self! And I’m sorry, but I do NOT think the 80s were bad to anybody. Just ask all the teeny boppers in high school right now who are wearing 80s garb and scrunchy boots! (dude, I typed 80’s and had to fix it!)
    I can’t wait to hear the rest of the story.
    PLEASE make Marvin tell us his side!!! PLEASE? Because that would be the funny!


  10. That is soo funny because that is almost exactly how it was with me and The Boyfriend. When we met, the angels sang their beautiful choruses and a light shone from heaven in a ring around his wonderful handsome face. Buuutt…not so much on his end. I became all “look at me! look how funny I am! I can hang out! Lets hang out! YAAYYYY!!!” but I overdid it. Understatement of the century. It took me NINE months to get him to even see me as a human being instead of this annoying fly that was always hanging around. I just kind of…backed off a little. I asked him why it took him so long a little while ago and he said “Well, you came on WAY too strong.” Hmph. Men.
    Now, a year and a half later, I couldnt shake this guy if I wanted to. Ha!
    Sorry for the extremely long comment. Can’t wait for the next installment!


  11. Good post! Looking forward to hearing the rest of the story tomorrow. Loved the photos of little Henry. Now weren’t you hot, especially with the frosty lipstick! LOL!


  12. June you were babe-a-licious in the 80s. The 80s were great for me. In fact I think of them fondly and often…the big, permed hair, the brightly colored clothes, tanning beds before we knew (or cared) about skin cancer, MTV videos…Ahhh good times.


  13. Tomorrow I am attending a family bbq. The kind where you drink before you get there, because the next three hours will be the most miserable of your life and because they believe that “drinking is the sign of weakness and sin.” Yes, a beerless bbq.
    But you June, have saved me. Instead of entertaining myself by seeing how many times I can slip into the bathroom and take a hit off my flask 17-year-old-hussy style, I will be waiting for the perfect time to slip, “I have ALWAYS wanted to hump that Lucille Ball,” into conversation. I can’t wait. I love miserable events where I have a Fun Goal. And I’m hoping I used all the correct punctuation getting that quote in there. Sometimes it’s a little nerve-wracking commenting on your blog. I mean, I know you’re not the grammar police, but secretly I think you’re rolling your eyes at me us and thinking, “how did that girl ever graduate college?” And for the record it was “I think they made a mistake.” SUCKERS!


  14. My husband and I grew up in the same small town, and never met each other until our late 30’s.
    I think he heard the song ‘dreamweaver’ when he saw me… lol


  15. Molly Ringwold, eat your HEART out! Look at YOU, Junie, in your 80s stylin’ clothes and ‘do! And, MAN, your legs? Perfect. I would have hated you if we had run into each other at MSU! Jealous, much?!!
    Love the Marvin story. I, too, love Jewish men and the large, shaved-headed black men. Dated both! Married me the wonderful, cute, faithful and slightly neurotic Jew. They’re the best!
    I can’t tell you how many very successful marriages I know of where it’s a WASPy woman and a Jewish man. VERY common in these here parts.


  16. *sigh* I just love a college sweetheart story, especially one I know will end with happily ever after. I can’t wait for the next installment. More pictures, please!!!


  17. June! You cutie! Frosted lipstick, come hither turn of the head and NO BRA! You’ll be heftin’ them puppies with the industrial strength spandex in a few years!
    I tried to break up with Ranchboy several times, but he had wormed his way into my heart and I could not do it. Dang! He spent his two week vacation visiting me and spoiled me shamelessly the whole time. After he left, I was bereft and called him to say that we either had to move in together or break up. He arrived the next day with all his worldly possessions. That was eighteen years ago…
    Love the Marvin story!


  18. Dear Mary Ellen from Napa,
    I think I was wearing a bra in that photo. Wasn’t I? I know, it kind of looks like I wasn’t. But I can’t imagine that I wasn’t.
    Now I have to worry about that all day.


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