A story you wil not keratin about

Marvin is irking me so bad right now. So bad. He’s in there watching some movie, and every eight seconds he is laughing. “HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA,” he’ll say. “HA.HA.HA.HA.HA!”


Heartshimself


He gets a kick out of his own self quite often, really. Look at Talu dying of humiliation.


For some reason it’s incredibly distracting. I want to yell, “Stop being JOYFUL, would ya?” but that’d be, you know, rude. It’s much politer to complain about him to all y’all.


Anyway, today I am going to discuss the $70 hair product I purchased this weekend.


Hairsad


I purchased Liquid Keratin ™, and as you can see, this woman’s hair is actually crying, so happy is it to be straight smooth and long. Okay, just noticed that it claims to make your hair “long” as well. Really, Keratin ™ people? Long?


When my pal Sleeping Beauty was a kid she used to ask the hairdresser to cut her hair long. I have never claimed she was a genius, that one.


But I am. Because I shelled out my $70 and headed right home for an afternoon of Liquid Keratin, which would render me straight, long, and weepy in my hair parts.


Stuff 


Before


Here I am in my before picture. Why do I have that sort of school marm scowl? Marvin wants to move around the orange crate pictures to see if any of you notice. Have I told you that before? Do you think you’d notice?


So, you have to shampoo with one of the bottles shown above, then you have to towel dry. I actually tried to photograph for you the “towel dry” part.


Goodpic 


Whose photographer father is hanging his head in shame right now? Is it mine? And I’d just like to say, for the record, that I MADE THAT BED, but Tallulah, there, likes to get in and mush the bedspread up, make her a little nest. Could someone remind her from whence she came? You were on a HIGHWAY, missy, in front of a really shabby TRAILER. And now your linens have to be just so? Poo on you, Tallulah. Poo.


After the brilliantly photographed towel dry part, there is the spray other stuff in part.


Goodshotagain 


Okay, HONESTLY. I need clear psychological help. Did I really think I was capturing anything here, other than the floor and the sounds of many, many people unsubscribing from me?


Robingibb 


I kind of got the part where I dried it straight and as usual look like Robin Gibb. And I see Nest Girl has gotten comfy back there. Anyway, the product is supposed to get sealed in after I straighten it with my CHI, and then I have to leave it alone for two days and put the rest of the products in my hair.


You are going to be surprised to hear that I did not get a good shot of it straightened. Hunh.


However, here I am tonight. It was 100% humidity this morning and it rained a little during my afternoon walk with my work friends. And yet, here is my hair.


Senior picture 


Who enjoys the webcam special effects? Who did a whole senior picture pose, and love love loved herself? Who had on her nightgown and her necklace from work, all at once? Who might as well just star in Frances Farmer and call it a day?


At any rate, this $70 stuff is supposed to keep me frizz free for up to six weeks, and I know I have captured my rain hair for you in the past and you have to admit it is pretty unfrizzy for, you know, me.


This was almost a Make June Do It activity, wasn’t it? Except for the part where no one made me do it except the advertisers in In Style magazine.

59 thoughts on “A story you wil not keratin about

  1. Why do you want your hair straight? I love your curls. Your curls are fun and youthful…personally, I would kill for curls. Do as you wish but, I think you look great with a curly head.

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  2. JUNE!!!!! Big news (as opposed to big hair), the Bee Gees are (wait for it….) reuniting! Woo Hoo! Who’s all “I’m getting tickets no matter how much they cost”???
    Apparently Barry and the other brother who isn’t Maurice and dead made up and are going to tour again! Aren’t you excited?

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  3. I am counting down the days until you reach 6 weeks and let everyone know if it was worth the $70. I straightened my hair with a hairdryer and flat iron today (not including the straightening shampoo and 2 separate straightening products) for over 30 minutes. Then I stepped outside to bring my kids to school and looked as though I had stuck my finger in a socket as I hid under my umbrella. I know your pain. Curly IS pretty. Frizzy is another thing.

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  4. I lol’d twice, hubby even asked “what’s so funny” and I went back and couldn’t remember. But seriously two LOL’s.
    And if this had been a Make June Do It, it would have to be a two month carry over because you were limited to $40.
    How quickly we forget things.

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  5. Me likey this MJDI. And you’re a regular Annie Lebowitz. Although that’s so sad that she’s going to lose her photo rights. But I digress. I will definitely go purchase this stuff tomorrow (did you hear that, Liquid Keratin marketing folk?? June is selling your products. So send her more for FREE!)

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  6. SEVENTY as in SEVEN OH? Well I guess I’ll just have to deal with my nappy headed self cause seventy isn’t in my budget. I do however have a birthday coming up and if all my faithful readers all contributed $10 I might be able to get 1/7th of the set.
    Your hair looks great

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  7. You crack me up. Even when you post crappy pictures with nothing in them except an open door and a purty lamp. I heart your dressing table too. I always wanted one of those, but for some reason my house has a massive comunal living area and the teeniest bedrooms possible. It’s probably designed for polygamists or something. So anyway, having a dressing table right by the front door would kind of ruin the mood of the place.

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  8. Still love your curly hair…but the product did everything it was supposed to, but make your hair weepy.
    Keeping things “June real”, makes me laugh everytime.
    Out of the blue this past weekend, it came to me, “Marvin Gardens”…did he have some input there, or was that all you?

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  9. Oh Marvin. Seth Rogen? SETH ROGEN?
    *HUGE SIGH.*
    *Marginally smaller but still pitifully martyred sigh.*
    I put it in my Netflix queue; maybe it will counterbalance The Fountainhead.

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  10. It looks great!! I know what a feat it is that your hair didn’t even frizz in 100% humidity. Do the bottles come with enough product to do several treatments?

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  11. Yes, my linens need to be “just so.” It’s called the Revolution of Rising Expectations. I learned that at Doggie Day Care. It’s the same thing that makes people spend $70 on goop for their hair. When they could be spending it on 700 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets for my . . . um, their bed.
    Just sayin’.

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  12. The salon I’ve gone to recently charges … 400 SMACKAROONS for keratin treatment!!! So 70 bucks was a steal! I just might have to shell out the seventy since four-hundy ain’t gonna see the inside of my wallet or checking account any time soon.
    Your locks look fabulous, dahling!

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  13. But where are the little tears? Also, too, fyi, I probably shouldn’t admit this lest your readers think you have a real puke head for a relative, but I have spent more than 40 years (or however long it’s been) determined to not watch one second of the Jerry Lewis telethon. Sometimes I just don’t watch television that day lest I accidentally hit his show as I’m flipping thru channels. And I am quite proud of my record. Love the kids. Can’t stand him.

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  14. So if Marv spends money on ipod songs, and you want to spend money on ipod songs, and you get to spend riduculous money on hair stuff, can Marv spend some ridiculous money and road trip with me? Get a break from Hair Nation over there (or DOWN there??)??
    C’mon, Marv…we’ll take in some sporting events, drink a few adult beverages, not talk ONE IOTA about Chi…you in?
    Wonder who trampy Jan is crushing on today?

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  15. You think it sounds fun in theory, Hulk, but wait till he plugs that dang
    iPod into the radio, and your whole road trip is depressing and/or frenetic
    songs you have never heard before.
    On Wed, Sep 9, 2009 at 10:12 AM, wrote:

    Like

  16. Steve, you can join us too…if you leave your new trampy girlfriend home…
    I don’t know how someone can NOT like “frenetic” music, when her life is “frenetic” defined…

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  17. My HAIR may be frenetic, but how is my boring life in any way frenetic? Is
    it the eight hours a day I sit quietly at my desk, proofreading? The
    home-exactly-at-6:00, reading and petting cats evenings? The weekends spent
    weeding? WHEN, Hulk, WHEN is it frenetic?!?!?!?!
    On Wed, Sep 9, 2009 at 10:39 AM, wrote:

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  18. So, is this stuff liquid carrots, or what?
    June, I have a solution to your curly hair woes. BUY A STRAIGHT HAIR WIG!! I am so serious about this. My friend lost her hair due to chemo, and has two of the most ADORABLE wigs. Her own curly/frizzy hair always gave her fits. Her wigs are made of real hair and you can’t even tell they are wigs. My always tactful son said, “Mom, she should keep wearing her wigs. They look better than her real hair.”
    A great wig would probably cost less than what you spend on hair straightening gizmos/products.
    Also,too? I have always wanted to take a photography class. Seems like a great MJDI. What say you?

    Like

  19. As an individual who also suffers from the afro, frizz prone hair; I’d have to say you’re hair held up great in rain and 100% humidity. I may check that stuff out. They should give you a year’s supply for free.

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  20. My hair is so very straight if I used that goop, it would slide off my very head. And then? I would need a wig.
    Zali and Simone want to know all of Nest Girl’s sheet bunching tips to make the perfect sleeping spot. Please tell.

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  21. My hair is so very straight if I used that goop, it would slide off my very head. And then? I would need a wig.
    Zali and Simone want to know all of Nest Girl’s sheet bunching tips to make the perfect sleeping spot. Please tell.

    Like

  22. My hair is so very straight if I used that goop, it would slide off my very head. And then? I would need a wig.
    Zali and Simone want to know all of Nest Girl’s sheet bunching tips to make the perfect sleeping spot. Please tell.

    Like

  23. Does Marvin have five identical shirts or does he wear that one plaid shirt A LOT?
    I wondered what those pictures on your wall were…I wouldn’t have noticed if they were rearranged, but I sure like them.
    I still don’t get the straight hair fixation, but it did look nice and straight in the humidity. Much nicer than mine would, because it would go from stick straight to lank. Ick.

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  24. Oh and June? No raisins or grapes or grape leaves or stems for dogs. They are toxic. Please keep Nest Girl away from them or she will go all Garcia on you and need a liver transplant.
    Seriously. Furry don’t kid about the toxins and stuff.

    Like

  25. Oh and June? No raisins or grapes or grape leaves or stems for dogs. They are toxic. Please keep Nest Girl away from them or she will go all Garcia on you and need a liver transplant.
    Seriously. Furry don’t kid about the toxins and stuff.

    Like

  26. Oh and June? No raisins or grapes or grape leaves or stems for dogs. They are toxic. Please keep Nest Girl away from them or she will go all Garcia on you and need a liver transplant.
    Seriously. Furry don’t kid about the toxins and stuff.

    Like

  27. Just the comments on the other page. Something about a raisin and Nest saying she was hungry…
    You weren’t feeding her a grape, she was just sayin’ that the raisin talk was making her hungry.
    Phhhhtttt. Never mind.

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  28. Just the comments on the other page. Something about a raisin and Nest saying she was hungry…
    You weren’t feeding her a grape, she was just sayin’ that the raisin talk was making her hungry.
    Phhhhtttt. Never mind.

    Like

  29. Just the comments on the other page. Something about a raisin and Nest saying she was hungry…
    You weren’t feeding her a grape, she was just sayin’ that the raisin talk was making her hungry.
    Phhhhtttt. Never mind.

    Like

  30. I said, “Gettin above her raisin,” which isn’t really about a raisin. It’s
    like a Southern way of saying “the way one was raised.” See.
    Poor godmother who is furry.
    On Wed, Sep 9, 2009 at 2:58 PM, wrote:

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  31. Hulk,
    Steve is very confused about his “trampy new girlfriend”?
    Also not sure if I can hang out with you and Marvin as I do not own any flannel shirts or pants with hole in pahtooki.

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  32. Steve just revisited yesterday’s comments. I had no idea. Beth made me sleep on the couch last night and I had no clue as to why. I assumed she found out about the…oops, that was close.
    Jan you are welcome over to my blog at any time as I am sure there are plenty of June’s readers who do not find me funny.

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  33. PJ- true that- I saw no weeping hair. surely June could have photoshopped some tears onto her photos? what with all her mad inherited photography skills????
    June-“and the sounds of many, many people unsubscribing from me”- BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Also, now that you have mentioned the orange crate art rearrangement, we will all be watching for it.
    Hulk- bitter much? it’s June’s blog. she talks about her crap. if you don’t want to read about her crap, go read one of Marvin’s music blogs. since you know the secret of the Gardenses’ (what?!) real names I’m sure know what his blog is

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  34. I think you shop at Ulta. because I work at Ulta and we sell your Chi, your keratin, and your InStyle. You can get a professional keratin treatment for like $250 that lasts for months. but then you wouldn’t have anything to post about besides Yoko. and how she probably used keratin.

    Like

  35. WOW! Miss an afternoon, miss me apparently having an affair and angering a large green man.
    I came in here yesterday, made my comment (innocently) and went about my day. Usually I check comments throughout the day as my break to keep my sanity. I chastised myself for being on the computer so much so I stayed away yesterday. WOW! I come in here tonight only to find that I am BEING ACCUSED OF BEING “TRAMPY”!!!! Again I say, WOW!
    I didn’t know that by calling someone funny I was practically opening up Lady Land for visits. Hulk, I looked all over MI for you. You weren’t at the harbor I was, or the beach, or the vineyard. Where were you??????? I’ll have you know that my weekend away was ruined by my allergies that did not appreciate the beautiful vineyard setting of the OUTDOOR wedding we attended. It was ruined by other things that aren’t fit to be read. So THERE! Happy now?????????????

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  36. As a fellow curly head, you are making me want to rush to the nearest Keratin dealer. Darn that $70 price tag. I think I need to potty train the baby so my diaper budget can go toward the worthier cause of silken, weepy hair.

    Like

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