A New Lowe


We didn't have any plans this weekend, which is kind of rare, and I always get excited about having no prescribed activities, then by Sunday I am always depressed about having no prescribed activities. I do not know what to tell you, other than I am batshit crazy.

And that's why I said, "Let's paint a room today!" like that's just something you wake up and do. Marvin, who equally has guano in his medulla said, "Yeah, okay. We'll go to Lowe's."

I don't know if you have noticed this, but all of our walls are of the beige genre. You have never met anyone more ill-equipped to live inside beige walls. I need color! Drama! Mood! Intrigue! I need azure, mahogany, jade, orchid!

Beige. Have you met me? I couldn't BE less beige.

Naturally, I was thinking we'd paint the living room chocolate, or the dining room sage. But Marvin said, "Let's paint the bathroom."

Okay, really? Our bathroom is the size of an airplane bathroom. Who wants to paint that little tiny space? Who cares? We could cover the whole thing using one of my nail polish bottles.

"Come into the bathroom," Marvin said. I'm telling you, that room is so small you can't even change your mind, but somehow we both wedged into it. Marvin closed the door. "Why are we closing the door?" I asked. "There's no one else here to SEE us in the bathroom."

"Look at the door frame," Marvin, who enjoys vanilla ice cream, said. "It's peeling. We can get some white paint and fix it right up."

Okay, HONESTLY. When did I marry Pat Boone? Could he be less fun? I said, "I really like the color of the ceiling in here." Inexplicably, our otherwise in-the-family-of-beige bathroom has an icy blue-green ceiling. It's pretty. "Let's work with that color," I said.

Now here is the part where none of us will ever understand Marvin, ever. "Yeah," he said, "that color IS nice. Let's paint it that color, and paint the door silver."


SILVER. Hi-ho.

"Honey, this isn't R2D2's bathroom. SILVER? No; who are you, Grace Jones? We're not painting it silver."

Naturally, being two adults, we did the grownup thing. We called my mother. She asked if we could get a chip of the paint, which we could because that bathroom is chips ahoy, in there, I'm telling you. She said we were to take said chip and compare paint colors at Lowe's. Which of course had not occurred to either one of us. Not me, and not Shel Silverstein, over there.

So Marvin stood on the tub and plinked a piece of that paint off, and then Marvin does what Marvin always does, and I know I have kvetched to you about this before. He did FIFTY-NINE OTHER THINGS before we could go.

"Let me just download this song from 1852."

"Let me just call this guy I haven't talked to since Hebrew school."

"Let me just memorize the names of all my bones and ligaments, and reassign them new names, like Ted and Horace."

HONESTLY. It's like someone paid him to torture me for the rest of time.

I have no idea if your ligaments have names.

Finally, twelve centuries later, we got in the car. We hadn't gone a block before Marvin started convulsing and swerving. "WHAT?" I groused.

"There's a spider on me," he said. "And now it's off me and it's somewhere in the car."

"It's FINE," I told him, figuring he was having another of his "there's an ant on me" flashbacks. "Just DRIVE."

Three seconds later I saw this–this CANNONBALL on my arm. This giant black hairy SPUTNIK , climbing up my limb. Naturally I said, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKK!" and Marvin had to pull over. Oh holy mother of God, that spider was ludicrous. It was like the one Peter Brady had on him in Hawaii. It was like some spider from a movie where there was a nuclear accident or something. Geez.

After that tragedy, we finally pulled in to Lowe's, where Marvin said, "I forgot the paint chip."


We discussed going back home, but I was afraid we'd pass the spider and it'd jump back in the car, so we decided just to go in there and pick out paint colors we liked. At this point it had gotten so late, what with Marvin's plans for a new undersea world he had to draw up before we left, that we'd already decided to just get samples and decide next week. Cause who is gonna make plans with the two of us?

So we picked samples and here's what we came up with. Here's what I liked:


Mmm! Anjou Pear! Pretty! Soothing! So chic!

Here's what Marvin picked:


Howard Johnson's called. Want their decorator back.

And I KNOW I said I needed cornflower and sunset and turquoise. Okay, I didn't really MEAN it. IN WHAT WORLD would that teeny tiny bathroom look good in VINTAGE RICKRACK? I will never poop again if I live in that frenetic sherbet shade.

So, the bathroom remains untouched and color-me-beige.



At least someone is getting along in this house of paint chips.

52 thoughts on “A New Lowe

  1. I just found you a few days ago. But I love your sense of humor! Oh, and your cats. Your cats are way cute. I am sitting with one dog on my lap and a huge black and white cat in my decoupaged tray a few feet away. (He thinks it’s his spot, and so now it is.) Another dog on a dog pillow under my feet. Yeah, I’m a pet lover too.


  2. The million things to do happens at my house, and I have come to just ‘wait it out’ usually in my underwear so my clothes don’t wrinkle while I wait for the hubby to “do the things he does”. Then all of a sudden, he is at the door saying YOU READY TO GO??? I swear one day I am gonna grab my purse and walk out in my undies. This will be after I loose 1 million pounds.


  3. Where did that capital T come from?
    June, this entry had me giggling from start to finish. The way you phrase things! Cracks me up. Hee hee hee hee!


  4. Brokeback Meowtain. Skkkkttt!
    My husband fell in love with me the day I said I wanted to paint the studio and he said, “Great! Go get several pints and we’ll sample them on the walls…” I went out and bought a gallon and had it finished before he got back.
    Furry ain’t wishy-washy.
    Just buy the paint. It’s only a color. You will live to paint another day.


  5. Brokeback Meowtain. Skkkkttt!
    My husband fell in love with me the day I said I wanted to paint the studio and he said, “Great! Go get several pints and we’ll sample them on the walls…” I went out and bought a gallon and had it finished before he got back.
    Furry ain’t wishy-washy.
    Just buy the paint. It’s only a color. You will live to paint another day.


  6. Brokeback Meowtain. Skkkkttt!
    My husband fell in love with me the day I said I wanted to paint the studio and he said, “Great! Go get several pints and we’ll sample them on the walls…” I went out and bought a gallon and had it finished before he got back.
    Furry ain’t wishy-washy.
    Just buy the paint. It’s only a color. You will live to paint another day.


  7. Is that Paula FNYD (AKA Paula, H and B)??? If so, I DEMAND she go back to using one ofher names. I really enjoy Paula, H and B, but will go with Paula, FNYD. She can’t go back to just Paula.
    Howard Johnson’s~ heh.
    I need to paint bedrooms, can I hire you and Marvin? It will be worth the money. I get my rooms painted and I’ll get a comedy show.


  8. There should be a decorating litmus test before folks get married. Me, I’m about warm colors and wood. Hubby, he wants everything metal and glass. Thank goodness his opinion doesn’t matter. 😉


  9. My husband always decides he needs to poop right before we go anywhere. Then, when he finally gets into the car he has to check for eye boogers. Every. Time. I feel your pain…


  10. Dear June and Marvin Beige,
    Please when you finish your teetiny bathroom come paint the outside of my house that at the present time has 3 different colors of beige being tried out on east facing wall. It has officially been there for 3 years now.
    Mrs. Lives In A Tri-colored Barn


  11. So I’m sitting here reading your post with The Boyfriend sitting next to me, and apparently he’s reading along. And we come to the end of the post,and he sees the pictues of the cats, and he goes “Is Marvin a cat?” HAHA.
    Don’t worry, I told him Marvin was a real person. Though that entire post with Marvin being a cat adds a completely new layer of funny.


  12. I can almost top your spider story today. And it’s kinda gross. My husband and I were in bed, me on my laptop with my legs uncovered. Unbeknownst to me he picks out some belly button fuzz and flicks it… and it lands on my leg. And it had some hair in it, thanks to my hubby being quite hairy. So I thought there was this big long legged spider crawling up on me.


  13. I just started reading your blog a few days ago. I’m working my way through the archives in reverse chronological order. What concerns me is that the words “ding” and “dang” have started to pop into my head as my default expletive. Quite the bloggal impact (hey, you make up words!) I would say.


  14. I think it was really nice of you to act like Marvin actually has a say in what color you paint any room in the house. Since I do all the prep work, the painting, moving things back, I choose the paint. You can tell that the Little Red Hen was a big influence on my childhood.
    Good luck picking a color. Do you have anything else in there to work off of? Shower curtain? Towels, rugs? Fuzzy toilet tank covers?
    It’s none of my beeswax, but I say go bold!


  15. First, “Just buy the paint. It’s only a color. You will live to paint another day.” If that isn’t comment of the week, I don’t know what is!
    B. I cannot help but notice Anjou Pear is simply the beige in gray world. That is not what I would call color. Quite honetly, I thought your choice would be a bit more bold than that. I’m with Marvin. Go with 1974 Vintage RickRack. Hey! Here’s an idea for another fun Bye Bye Pie addition. You could be just like the Today Show where they let the viewing audience choose wedding choices for a couple. Give u some choices of paint colors and let your readers choose for you! Oh the F.U.N. that could be.


  16. I just re-read this and I’m giggling again!
    I have all “jewel” tones in my house now but we’re moving and we’re painting all the rooms in the new house toast/latte/oatmeal. A foody beige, apparently.
    FWIW, I would go with Anjou Pear for your bathroom. I think it’s more soothing than Vintage Rickrack and that would be more of the mood you’d want in the bathroom. You don’t want to be all tense and clenched in there while you’re trying to “think”.


  17. I do believe Marvin and my husband were separated at birth. My theme song is the Kinks song “so tired, tired of waitin’, tired of waiting for youuuuuuuuuu” and I find myself singing it ALL THE TIME.
    Also, the Anjou Pear. I painted my granddaughter’s room in this color and it is a good green, although you probably can’t tell from this: http://ewbpcb.blogspot.com/2008/06/bham.html


  18. Oh, you are a clever, clever Girl!
    I am also married to one of these men. He needs to make a quick phone call, reorganize the basement, fix the sink, find a long lost artifact, ect., while we are all waiting in the car.
    Paint isn’t permanent. Just go for it.
    I LOVE the picture of the boys grooming!


  19. I once complained to The Ex that our house had no color…now I have a purple bedroom, a blue bathroom, an orange bathroom, a Brady Bunch green living room, and a blood-red kitchen. And I painted them. Go Beige.


  20. I LOVE to paint! I’m addicted actually. I have golds and reds and river greens and chocolate and banana nut and even applesauce cake…oh I could go on, but if I do, I’ll feel the itch and have to go to Home Depot and my husband says I can’t go back there for another 3 months.
    You totally cracked me up with the million things to do before you leave the house. THAT IS MY HUSBAND!! And the last thing he has to do is clean his sunglasses, which takes him 17 minutes. I know, I timed him. I’m like just grab the bottom of your frigging shirt! No, he has to wash them in the sink with soap and water, then dry them with a towel, then check them in the light to make sure he got whatever minute spot was on them. If he misses the spot, he starts over. No lie.
    It’s a wonder he hasn’t mysteriously died in his sleep.


  21. Dawn~
    I am SOOOOOO dissappointed I did not win the Buckeyes…and that the Buckeyes didn’t win! But thanks for the recipe. And why isn’t every room in the house painted Scarlett and Gray? With number 45’s all over the place??


  22. After 22 years or training, my role has always been to say “whatever you want honey is great with me”. Therefore, I have no opinion on your paint color choice. I am also the one half way out the driveway whenever I am told we have a mission, when I realize that Beth is still inside deciding if her underwear is appropriate should we be in a car accident while on the way to Target. “What if we know the EMT?” GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY WOMAN, get in the car!
    Oh, sorry, uh…I think your bathroom needs a nice ivory colored Etagere by Shabby Chic that you could then put different colored towels on to highlight whatever mood you want in the thinking room.


  23. Delurking here to say that now I know why I’m not funny anymore…you have sucked all the funny out of the blogosphere and kept it all for yourself! This post had me CRYING, I was laughing so hard!! Mainly because I could totally relate to all of it.
    (found you via Juice btw – hi Juice!!)


  24. Steve, somewhere on the road between 22 and 68 years of marriage, my Dad shortened the litany from “Whatever you think, Dear” to “okey-dokey”.


  25. Jill,
    You just like me cause I picked Anjou Pear and your blog is The Sassy Pear.
    I know all! You pears stick together. In, you know, pairs.
    Also? It honestly never occurred to me that the paint decision could just be
    mine and Marvin would have to just agree with me, like y’all are saying. Is
    that true? Cause how exciting!
    On Mon, Sep 14, 2009 at 9:45 AM, wrote:


  26. Oh Junie June June… how i missed you! my stupid computer died & i’ve been laying naked in the fetal position sucking my thumb until today when i turned on my glorious new mac & caught up with you! thanks for all the emails wondering where i was & if i was ok… oh wait, that was just me hallucinating…
    the chinamommy, misschell


  27. Ooooh, first I was all sad because Paula was plain. But now I’m excited because she has a cool new acronym. PHAB since 2009! You know, like phat? I think we all need to start working phab with a “ph” into our conversations at least twice daily in an effort to promote it’s acceptance into American lexicon!


  28. Whatcha do, Junie, is get yourself a few samples of paint that YOU like (my local store has little cans that you can rent!). Slap each color up on the wall and then ask Marvelous Marvin which color he likes best.
    That’s what I do. So, I end up with a color I like AND make the hubby believe he’s got final say! hee hee!
    And, by the by, there are these incredible paints made by C2 that have 11 pigments inside each color. Most American-made paints only have 3 pigments, so they lack the depth and interest that the C2 paints possess. Love me the C2 paint. Especially “Crystal,” “Jicama,” “Gull” and “Lilly pad.” Most of the rooms in our house are variations on these colors. Yummy.


  29. 2 weeks ago I almost wrecked my car… with my kid in it… while I was trying to get away from the ENORMOUS orange and black furry spider crawling down the door. It was the passenger door… but if he came down the door, WHO KNEW where he’d end up? Light post? What light post? OH THAT LIGHT POST I DIDN’T SEE BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO KILL A SPIDER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CAR.
    The only good spider is a dead spider, I always say.
    We painted our guestroom red once… a nice berry lipsticky red. It was so hideous I went to Lowe’s and got BEIGE paint to cover it up. Now I stick with mochas, blues and greens.


  30. June-Bug (Ha)
    Hysterical as always. I am in a constant state of painting, love it, hate it, paint over it. Marv made a wise choice to start in the smallest room, work up from there.
    Now, since you spend SO MUCH TIME in that room with your hair, you should think about this too, also.
    The color on the wall will affect your color. Sort of like poor lighting, a poor color will make you look bad, and grumpy.
    Warm colors if the room gets north light, cooler colors if it faces south. That sort of thing.
    Yes, take pictures…and visit http://www.hgtv.com.


  31. Dear April,
    Unless one is married to Vern Yip, the husband’s opinion on decorating matters is null & void. Didn’t they teach y’all that in Married Life 101? If not, please help spread the word.


  32. someone please explain: on a Sunday morning I can get up, check my email, make a good breakfast (this means something like waffles & bacon, homemade), clean up the kitchen, shower and get myself and my 2 daughters fed and dressed all in the same amount of time that my husband can eat breakfast and get dressed. wth?


  33. Danger Will Robinson on Marvin’s pick!!!!
    My Mother had temporary (or maybe complete, now that I reflect back on it) insanity and painted her bathroom walls something very similiar to rickrack. The woodwork is like the brown on the sample.
    It is scary…so very scary.


  34. Has Marvin thought about how Vintage Rickrack will look with the icy blue-green ceiling? Whoa! It hurts my eyes just thinking about it.
    I will be so impressed with you if you can start and finish a job, any job, no matter how small. My house projects sit on the to-do list for years while I dread doing them, then get done in a day when I finally get around to them. I tell myself that if I spent half as much energy doing things as I do dreading doing them, I would have worked myself out of projects years ago.


  35. Completely off topic. I went to my 3rd grader’s curriculum night a few days ago. The teacher was explaining how the spelling words would be the words most commonly mispelled in writing. Her example was how a lot was two words. About half the parents gasped. Really? And I live in a really educated area. I thought you’d appreciate my shock.


  36. Quite possibly one of your funniest posts.
    By the way, I’m sure the spider came from the nest in the hole in your mouth. (Before anyone things I’m totally crazy, please read June’s Disease a la Mode on the sidebar.)


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