Penelope Cruise

There's this stupid commercial that comes on every morning on my clock radio. That was a subtle way of bragging that I have a clock radio. I know! You too can aspire to have the fancy things in life like June.

Anyway, it's a commercial for Alarm Force, which I assume is some kind of home alarm system. I have never actually listened to the commercial, I just know once they sing, "Alarm Force!" that both Marvin and I sing it too, from whatever room of the house we're in. Sometimes one or both of us will sing it several minutes later, too. It'd be a powerful ad if the rest of it were as compelling.

Hey, did you notice I started adding categories to my posts? For the last few nights I have been combing through my old posts and adding categories. "My pets" seems to be a popular one. I realized several months in that I should have had a TinyTown category, but really any post from January to April of 2008 is about TinyTown.

Ttown

TinyTown

And speaking of towns, I can now tell you the thrilling story of how I almost peed my car.

About 50% of the reason we left LA was the traffic. I am not even kidding you. You know how traffic is kind of one of those stereotypical LA things, along with hanging at the beach (which you can never do due to traffic) and movie stars (who you can never see cause you're stuck in traffic)? Yeah.

I don't even know if I can describe for you how much traffic impacts your life there. I know a person who moved away after she was in mid-city on a regular street and it took her an hour to move a mile.

An HOUR to move a MILE.

If you make a friend at work? And you say, "We should get together outside of work sometime," you then have to ask where the person lives. "Silverlake," you'll say. "Riverside," the other person will say, defeated. You know you can't be friends because with traffic you are two hours apart. Each way.

I lived 16 miles from work and it took me an hour each way. You go about 10 or 20 mph on the freeway, which is why I got Sirius radio. Otherwise I would have impaled myself with my own grille or something. "Grille" is the only car term I know, and that's why I impaled myself with that, as opposed to the knock sensor. (I just asked Marvin to name a weird car part.)

The point of my story, here, is traffic sucks in LA. It sucks bad.

So you can imagine how nice it is to live here, and sail right onto the freeway every morning to go to work. I go 80 the whole way. Why so many tickets?

And here is the other thing. Because I can get to work so easily, I have time to ingest two gigantic mugs of coffee before I go. Mmm-hmmm.

Last Friday, I was cruising along to work, when I took an exit and all of a sudden (or all the sudden, if you want to irk me) traffic was stopped. I swear it's the first time that ever happened in my year and a half at this job. "Hunh," I said, and waited for traffic to start moving again.

Well.

I waited. And I waited. And I waited. And I went one-tenth of a mile in 20 minutes. I called the non-emergency police to see if they knew something was up. And here's what irks me about the South. I was transferred four places before anyone knew there was a horrendous holdup, but man, was everyone nice about it. "No, ma'am we don't take care of highway traffic, but ain't you got a pretty voice?"

Sigh.

Turns out some paving company was illegally paving, blah blah blah. But after 30 minutes? And I was still sitting there? I realized it was my pee time.

I get to work at 8:00, turn on my computer, and then, you know, I pee. Not right there in front of my computer. But here it was, 8:00, and I was 10 miles from work, STUCK IN TRAFFIC, no movement in sight. So to speak.

I sat there until about 8:20 before I really started to worry. I mean, I was NOT MOVING AT ALL. There appeared to be no end in sight. So again I did the adult thing. I called my mother.

"Honey, that's not healthy," she said. "Just pee your pants." Then she went on to tell me a story about a time SHE was stuck in traffic having to pee.

Okay, thanks, Dr. Phil.

And really, having to pee really bad is one of the worst feelings, isn't it?

At any rate, I finally was able to eek up to an exit, and you have never seen anyone scream up an exit ramp more dramatically. I stampeded to the first gas station I saw, and ran to the bathrooms.

The women's room was locked.

I went to the men's room. That is how much I did not care at that point. And can I just say. Men? Why am I attracted to you? Cause y'all are gross. 

And that was my dramatic and riveting how-I-almost-peed-in-the-car story.

Urine for a good time when you read my posts.

Car My car. It was white when this story began.

58 thoughts on “Penelope Cruise

  1. Pee in your new car? That’s never really an option, is it? Talk about ruining the new car smell. I would just get out and pee right there on the road, next to the car, before I peed IN my car. Of course you may get arrested. Traffic does suck in any big city and I always wonder why people who have two hour commutes each way do it. At least you didn’t get “pissed” off about it. Okay, I’ll stop now. I have to go pee, anyway. Seriously.

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  2. “Urine for a good time when you read my posts.”
    Ha!!! You are really on today, aren’t you? Good one.
    Alan Shepard peed in his space suit before his historical first flight. So it’s OK.
    And THANK YOU for all your hard work tagging. I did notice. I was delighted. Now I can find old funny posts. And I’m serious when I say I’ve tried that on your blog multiple times. So…it is making my life easier.

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  3. Urine for a good time?
    Kill me now!
    Maybe only one cup a joe before and when you get there pee-free, another cup for your efforts.
    do you ever have to go so bad that when you finally get on the toilet, it will not come out? No matter what?
    Me either.

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  4. That’s why I live in the sticks. No matter where you’re at, there’s a tree to pee behind. A pee tree if you will.
    Love your blog, laugh out loud-husband asking what’s so funny (but he reads too slow to share)–funny.
    Smiles,
    Lisa

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  5. Lisa,
    I keep wanting to click over to your blog, because I am assuming I am going
    to like any blog called “Pink Porches.” But I can’t look at work and I
    forget when I get home.
    Crap. Behind a tree.
    On Fri, Sep 18, 2009 at 9:21 AM, wrote:

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  6. Our second car used to be Grandpa’s and he had an “accident” in it oh, let’s see, 11 years ago? You can still tell. Just sayin’…

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  7. I have a bladder the size of a lentil. When I have to pee, I have to pee NOW! Thankfully, I have never wet my pants as an adult. Although I think crapping ones pants would be worse. Never done that either.

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  8. I was on jury duty once and it was time for closing arguments. I had so much to drink over lunch and didn’t expect closing arguments to take very long. I had to hold it for two hours! It was so bad that I began to sweat and had to grab the armrest of my chair. I could have raised my hand and asked for a short recess however the lawyers had a groove going. I thought that if they lost momentum because of my potty break, the outcome of the trial might be different. I was never happier or more relieved to reach a bathroom in my life!

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  9. I need to remember not to read your blog at work, when I’m the only one manning the Reference desk, in a totally silent college library. Yes, I’m the idiot snorting with laughter, disturbing the students. Except the ‘students’ looking for a date on BBW, they didn’t notice.

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  10. June,
    I didn’t know you moved to Greensboro! I read all of Bye Bye Buy and then I guess I had to do laundry or something. So I never read the back issues of Bye Bye Pie. My bad.
    Thanks for cluing me in. (Ha! Another preposition! The fun will never stop at!)
    Your pal (but not in real life, just in the blogosphere because I don’t know your real name and can’t friend you on Facebook not that I’m a stalker or anything),
    Juice

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  11. Haha….your bit about the clock radio made me think of that part in Borat. “I get a window from a glass, he must get a window from a glass. I get a step, he must get a step. I get a clock radio, he cannot afford. Great success!” Hahaha!

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  12. Hey June ~
    First let me say…long time stalker, first time commenter….anyhoo…I was watching that riveting news show on HLN, you know the one, Showbiz Tonight, and they just stated that silly ol’ Jessica Simpson has posted REWARD SIGNS FOR THE RETURN OF HER DOGGIE!!!
    I guess she hasn’t heard about the old coyote poo!

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  13. ROFL! Your car used to be white.
    I got caught in a snow storm in Atlanta back, oh probably about 1981 or 1982 trying to get home and do you think southerners know how to drive in snow? Well, NO! I thought I was going to die before I got to the restroom at a McDonalds, then when I got up to the door they were closed, but I beat on the glass door and BEGGED them to let me in to use the restroom. I had a male carpooler with me and didn’t even want to tell him I had to use the restroom. I thin that’s about as bad as it has ever been for me.

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  14. I have a co-worker that was stuck in a traffic jam and ended up peeing in a Wal-Mart plastic bag. Grody to the max! My sister says because she gave birth to twins, she pees a little every time she sneezes or laughs real hard. Remind me not to have twins.

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  15. That pain is excruciating!
    I got stuck in concert traffic once and it took me an hour to go a mile too. It is so very aggravating. (I wasn’t even going to the ding-dang concert either! I was just so unlucky to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.)
    I wonder, what exactly does it mean to illegally pave? And did they get fined? I can’t help but hope that by your act of calling the police maybe they’ll look into a fine or something.
    What was the population of Tiny Town? And do I have to come back here for answers now? Because of the whole Hulk incident… you can’t email people anymore?

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  16. Yeah, Shannon, Typepad has done this weird thing where if I try to reply to
    you directly? It defaults to my work email, so if I emailed you back you’d
    get my real name, workplace, work phone, etc. Not that I think you’re going
    to come kill me, but Squeaky Fromme looked sweet, too.
    Anyway, the pavers DID get fined, but not thanks to me. That was already
    happening when I called.
    Also too, TinyTown was population 3,000. I think I met everyone in the 8
    months I was there. I think we had dinner or drinks with everyone there in
    the 8 months I was there. Looking back, it was kind of fun.
    On Fri, Sep 18, 2009 at 1:45 PM, wrote:

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  17. You wanna hear a good pee story?! Well, during one of our trips to Tanzania, we had to take several small, about 6-seater “bush planes” to get from A to B. There’s no bad traffic in Tanzania because there aren’t many roads… Needless to say, these fancy flying machines don’t have room for a toilet…
    We were told this particular flight was going to be no longer than 1 hour. I had injested a couple of cups of coffee. It was fairly early in the morning. We take off, moi all excited about this little adventure and the sights below, when we get close to our destination: Dar El Salaam. It was supposed to just be a short stop over to pick up another passenger. Well, sure enough, the winds started to pick up, which happened fairly regularly once the ground started to warm up later in the morning, and we were bumping around the sky in our little tin box. Well, I wasn’t TOO concerned about it but grew increasingly worried about the pressure in my bladder. But I figured, hey, we’re almost there. Then the pilot turned around to us and said in his best Oxford English: Sorry mates, but we have to circle above the city for a tad bit. Some government official is arriving and they aren’t permitting anybody to land.
    URG. So here we were, bumping around in circles through the turbulent skys with a full bladder. After about 30 more minutes of it, I had reached my limit. I started to sweat. I panicked. I turned to Matt and said I had an emergency. By the bulging of my eyes, I think he immediately knew I wasn’t kidding. So he produced a black garbage bag he had with him for emergencies (I tend to make fun of him for his over-preparedness but NOT in this moment!!) and sent me to the back of the plane, to the area between the cargo net that held the luggage, and the last two seats. The other three passengers politely turned forward. NOT my husband though who kept observing my clumsy and desperate attempt to unbotton my pants and explose my naked behind, while holding on to the cargo net so I wouldn’t topple over from the turbulence — which I did anyway a few times and subsequently peed on my shoes and over part of the plane. Needless to say, I made a mess of myself and the plane as I managed to only get about 60 percent of the contents of my bladder actually INTO the bag. By the time I was done, I almost felt like I was going to faint. My knees were shaking and I had cold sweat on my forehead…
    So there you have it. A desparate pee story, if there ever was one…

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  18. Wow! Nadja that was an awesome pee story!
    I had one that involved my son thinking it was HILARIOUS to lock me out of the house while I clutched and clawed at my privates in an attempt to stop the flow. Meanwhile he watched me on the other side of the window, laughing his head off. Which really “pissed” me off, but at the same time made me get the damn giggle fits too. I finally just gave in to it.
    Your story was way better.

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  19. Junie-June-June, I one time peed in my pants in traffic in L.A. I tried to get to the Denny’s entrance but Kahuna just couldn’t eek our car up far enough. I tried to hold it but seeing as I have the bladder retention of a flea by the time he pulled into the parking place it was too late. Yes nothing like a 48 year old woman wetting her pants in downtown L.A.

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  20. I’m so very glad I found you. Because you REALLY make me laugh. And I truly love to laugh more than most anything. Both my dogs are in my desk chair, on either side of me. And when I start laughing at this post, I mean REALLY laughing, they perk up like: what’s up? Should I be alarmed? says their sweet little faces. Anyway, I love your story. I needed to laugh. Today would be my best friend’s birthday. But she died (as it so happens right in my arms in that hospice bed) three years ago last May. (I wrote about it a few weeks ago. Called Three Years & Four Months) But on a lighter note, it is also my dog Charlie Ross’s third birthday today. He has her birthday, as it so happens, as well as her father’s name. Thanks for the laughter.
    Brenda

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  21. I’m so very glad I found you. Because you REALLY make me laugh. And I truly love to laugh more than most anything. Both my dogs are in my desk chair, on either side of me. And when I start laughing at this post, I mean REALLY laughing, they perk up like: what’s up? Should I be alarmed? says their sweet little faces. Anyway, I love your story. I needed to laugh. Today would be my best friend’s birthday. But she died (as it so happens right in my arms in that hospice bed) three years ago last May. (I wrote about it a few weeks ago. Called Three Years & Four Months) But on a lighter note, it is also my dog Charlie Ross’s third birthday today. He has her birthday, as well as her father’s name. Thanks for the laughter.
    Brenda

    Like

  22. I’m so very glad I found you. Because you REALLY make me laugh. And I truly love to laugh more than most anything. Both my dogs are in my desk chair, on either side of me. And when I start laughing at this post, I mean REALLY laughing, they perk up like: what’s up? Should I be alarmed? says their sweet little faces. Anyway, I love your story. I needed to laugh. Today would be my best friend’s birthday. But she died (as it so happens right in my arms in that hospice bed) three years ago last May. (I wrote about it a few weeks ago. Called Three Years & Four Months) But on a lighter note, it is also my dog Charlie Ross’s third birthday today. He has her birthday, as well as her father’s name. Thanks for the laughter.
    Brenda

    Like

  23. I love the category name “times I amused myself.” Oh I could write a book about the times I have cracked myself (and only myself) up. For those of us with incredible memories, what happened to your carpool?

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  24. Junie,
    My only pee story is that I once had to pee in a gallon container in my bedroom when I lived with two other housemates. One of my housemates and I shared a bathroom. She took VERY long showers and, needless to say, when you gotta go, you gotta go. Only thing handy was an empty gallon thingy that I used to water plants. I cut the top part off and, surprisingly, the remaining part made a lovely makeshift potty! Hee!
    I also have the grossest poop story on the PLANET that involves my Aunt and a car in Germany. Oh, MAN, is it disgusting. Have I already told you this story? You and your steel-trap memory!

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  25. Car started out white!!! You kill me.
    And I seriously think “urintated ” should be a new word.
    You have just reminded me why I should NOT take the spare diapers out of my car, even though the ‘Lil Puncs no longer need them.

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  26. June, you are just too much. Can’t stop laughing…and now my husband wants to know what all the fuss is about.
    And just so you know, he and I are about to embark on a Mad Men marathon…3 shows left and we’re done with Season 1. We owe it all to you.

    Like

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