Beauty products · June's stupid life · Times I Amused My Own Self

If by “sexy” you mean “I look like Geraldo Rivera”

So I'm sitting there at work, and I feel this…this…

Heavenly days in the morning! That isn't a WHISKER, is it?

I stampeded to the giant Wicked Queen mirror in my office. (Seriously, you should see that gargantuan thing.) Sure enough, I had this GROWTH coming out of my face. I practically looked like one of my cats. Is my body anticipating that I will need to crawl through narrow spaces soon?

Your faithful June has been Nair-ing for years. Ever since 1999, when I went to get my eyebrows waxed and the woman said, "You want me to do mustache, too?" and I said, you know, good marketing on your part, missy, but I don't have a mustache. And she said, "Ohhhh, no. You dark like man!"

I dark like man? Really? I gave her the 15 bucks and told her to wax on. When I returned to work, I emailed my entire department. "I want to thank you all for not telling me that I am Tom Selleck," I wrote. And everybody in my department assured me that I was really not dark like man, that that eyebrow waxer had scammed me.

Snidely

But I've Naired or waxed anyway, just to be safe. And now here I was at work, needing one of those mustache coffee mugs. What gives?

And do you think I could wait until I got home tonight to take care of it? As soon as it hit noon, I went screaming to my car and headed to Walgreen's for tweezers. I also called my mother. I don't know how she understood me, what with my handlebar brushing against the phone like that.

"I could practically tie Nell to the railroad tracks," I told her. "Honey," said my mother, who was trying to have a nice lunch with my Uncle Jim, who also has a mustache, "you do not look like Snidely Whiplash.

"You know, I don't have a problem with facial hair," she finished.

I know I have told you before how my mother does this. "I never get cavities," she'll say, after you've had four root canals. "I graduated college with a 4.0," she''ll tell you, after you get a 1.0 in Natural Science.

And I really hope my family is reading this today, because I know they can back me up on this. Come on, folks, help your masculine niece/cousin. Back a brother up.

Of course I had to buy the $37475638505945949405948 Tweezerman tweezer, which let me assure you is worth the money. Seriously. Mortgage your home. Once you use a Tweezerman, you won't go back.

The other "of course" in this scenario is I had to tell this gruesome tale to the computer guy at work, who for some reason is a good audience for all my drama. When I returned to work, he popped his head in to check on my '70s-porn-star-looking self. "Everything better now?"

"Yeah," I told him. "I was just registering for the draft."

I mean, SERIOUSLY, when did I get so unfeminine? I swear I used to be kind of hot. Now I'm hot in a Salvidor Dali kind of a way.

Gettin' old. It's not for the clean-shaven.

70 thoughts on “If by “sexy” you mean “I look like Geraldo Rivera”

  1. June, I read this on my iPhone while I was watching a show about serial killers. Don’t judge. I had to have Dave pause it because I was laughing so hard. And THEN I had to mark it unread so I could come back and tell you how brilliant you were.
    Loves you. You are BRILLIANT and hilarious.

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  2. Sissy Jan…there is a line and you always manage to cross it. That is all.
    Comment of the Week HAS to go to the commentor who said Nair must make you look like the kid in Mask. OH MY WORD. HILARIOUS.

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  3. I bought an Epicare Epilator this summer and I just love it! You can’t use it on eyebrows, but the rest of the face is fair game. Do a search on Ebay. They’re just a few dollars. I’ve bought a few for friends.

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  4. Nice going, Jan. However, the latter part of that story is more realistic for those of us 40+ year-olds!
    Some of my girlfriends wear their pajamas or sweatpants here for girls’ movie night!
    Lacy bras and undies? I think not! Sorry, Hulk and Steve, we’re REAL women!

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  5. I keep a good pair of tweezers on my dash board. I’ve even found myself racing to a stop light so I can have a few seconds to check for strays. Sometimes I feel like pulling a Bob Geldof and shaving everything off. Although that might cause a traffic jam.

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  6. I am busting a gut over here at Hulk and Steve. See what we suffer through to be beautiful for you men??? Do you appreciate it??? HELL NO.
    OK, this is for Hulk and Steve…
    Just last week, June, Paula H&B, Pal from MA, Furry, Musing OA Housewife, Beth and I got together for our monthly “girl’s night”. We were all sitting there, in our lacey panties and bras, (which were all either black, red, hot pink or teal) when one of us suggested a pillow fight. (Who knows who it was, we had all had enough margaritas at that point…) We all starting stretching, hitting each other with the feather pillows and then the tickling started. Oh, we were giggling and writhing around on June’s circle waterbed. Obviously, we needed to work out the kinks so we started to give each other back rubs, with long, deep strokes. AND THEN! Horror of HORRORS!!! I noticed a chin hair on Furry. We all inspected one another and after donning our jeans, sweatshirts and fuzzy socks, one of us headed out to pick up Taco Bell and we spent the rest of the night helping each other prune our faces and eating nachos.

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  7. June,
    At least it wasn’t growing out of your nipple. I thought I had a loose head hair that was stuck on or around my left nipple. I kept pulling at it until finally I tugged really hard and guess what! It was attached, to my nipple! Where the heck did this come from? Why is there a two foot long hair growing from my nipple? I can’t grow six hairs on my head, my eyebrows are non-existant but I have a full on toupe’ on my nipple. What kind of cruel karma is this?

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  8. June, don’t worry, you are not Frida Kahlo. I haven’t busted out the big bucks for Tweezerman, yet. I have thought about carrying a spare pair in the car because things will appear calm until I peek in the rearview mirror. Never fails. They hide until I get in the car, I swear. Then that is ALL I think about.

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  9. I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now, but haven’t commented until today. I’m 32 and have had um, “facial hair” issues for a while now. Just when I think I got every last sucker, my sister will look at my chin and start giggling. Seriously, there has got to be a pill or something I can take for this. Thank you for making me laugh today and for reminding me to go double check my chin. 🙂

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  10. I used to make fun of my mom for plucking the hairs on her chiny chin chin. I just recently found on one of my chins. Getting old is the pits!

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  11. Aw C’MON!! Nipple hairs??? Geez. You know, men are reading this too. And some of us are single! Can’t you talk about your bra-and-panties tickle fights or something???

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  12. Also, June: happy National Punctuation Day! I can’t decide if this should be a labor-free holiday for you and your kind, or if instead you should be flaunting your skills to the world. Maybe you can give some sort of presentation…or ask for a raise.

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  13. Linda: I too have the crazy side boob hair. I think it’s an underarm hair that lost its way. Because it lives in a bra most of its life, I don’t see that area much to keep an eye on it, and because I’m blind as a bat I can’t see detail in the shower without my glasses, so every so often I remember and go oh crap, is it back?! and run to a private place to make sure it hasn’t gotten out of hand. It will grow as long as I let it, too. I remember when I was a younger teen (I’ve had it that long) and didn’t apparently care about gouging it out the second it appeared beneath the surface, I waited as long as I could stand it to see how long it got.. I got to about an inch before I caved. That being said…
    Tweezerman is genius, but be very careful that you don’t drop them onto the hard tile floor, because once you bend the edge, they won’t grasp anything. They couldn’t grab a hair the size of a toothpick. Sure, you can send them back for free lifetime sharpening, but by the time you pay to send them to Texas, and wait FOUR TO SIX WEEKS without tweezers you might as well just buy a second pair. Four to six weeks without tweezers and I couldn’t leave the house, and I’m only 24. I dread the future. Oh, it’s fun to be German.

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  14. I’ve been plucking at my just-below-the-chin goatee for a few years now. And the stray mustache hair. This was never mentioned in hygiene class in high school 480 months ago! I was not warned! As for plucking in the car…I am picturing y’all at the stop light, squinting up to the mirror and plucking away while singing “I Feel Pretty” at the top of your lungs. Now I gotta go check out that Tweezerman. Totally sounds like a kinky little guy in tights and a cape that you can hire to come and jerk those suckers out. Tweezerman to the rescue!!!!!

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  15. I recommend keeping a pair of tweezers in the car. For some reason all the natural light and being 4 inches away from the mirror can really help you see the “intruders.” I am around 20 year olds all day and they think this won’t happen to them. BWAHAHAHAHA!!

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  16. F U Penguin is also my new 2nd favorite blog after yours, of course, June.
    I have no comment on the hair thing. Icky.
    “Dark like man” still cracks me up, though! I remember when that happened!
    Maybe it’s your head? Do you think there’s too much competition going on up there and your hairs are migrating to virgin territory?
    Ummm…that sounds weird.)

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  17. I don’t have a facial hair problem, but I do have one wild hair growing out the side of my right boob. I didn’t believe my mom all those years when she said “Eat it, it’ll put hair on your chest.”

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  18. The mustache thing? Been there; done that – too often. BUT! NOSE HAIRS??!! UGH! I actually had to use my husband’s nose hair trimmer a couple weeks ago because I looked like my grandpa with them sticking out! I can’t believe I’m admitting this to anyone.

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  19. Tweezerman! Snort. Like a MAN would tweeze ANYTHING! Am putting the Tweezerman on my shopping list. Because? At 37, I’m 3 chin whiskers away from being a man. When I was 32 I went to one of those skin clinics begging them to laser my beard hairs and (I SWEAR!!)
    the doctor said “You should just shave your face once a week with a razor, that’s what I do.”
    Am googling Lauren Conrad photos….
    Please Junie… give us a commentary on Mackenzie Phillips!!

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  20. Oh am I feeling you on this one, my brother. And back when I was struggling with infertility, my mom never missed an opportunity to tell me how she just thought about getting pregnant and BAM. Once even when she was thinking about not getting pregnant anymore. That was not annoying at all.

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  21. BAAAAhahahaha. June, you so funny. I have the same problem and am trying to get them permanently deleted with frickin’ laser beams. So far, they keep growing, though. And if I forget to check for a few days, then yeah, curb feeler (whoever said that: HAAhaha). Dang.

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  22. Oh Junie Claus. Just yesterday I feel the warm breath of my 189 month old son on my face, and turn around to see him peering intently at my chin. Then he shrieks, “Mom, gross, you have a whisker.” I tell him I am growing it long enough to darn him an afghan to take to college. Then I skip off to the bathroom singing, “I feel pretty,oh so pretty.”
    As sensitive/allergic you are, I can’t believe you smear Nair on your face without looking like that kid on Mask afterwards.

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  23. One word: Laser
    I didn’t get a mustache, I got the dastardly chin hairs! It started with one *pluck* but I guess it’s true what they say about plucking one and 5 more grow in its place. Before I finally got wise to the amazing laser invention I was looking like a front man for ZZTop. So worth the money!!
    And right, no waxing the upper lip! It makes the skin dark.

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  24. I was doing fine until, “Yeah, I was just registering for the draft.” That’s when I did a spit take with Quaker Oat Squares, blueberries and skim milk. I don’t know if I’ll ever get Pinkie Leigh’s keyboard clean, but it was worth it.

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  25. Yeah, Jan. I wonder if mom told him what was up, because if she did? Oh,
    good. You should have seen the field day he had when that woman thought I
    was Marvin’s mom. Okay. Seriously. STILL HAVE 15 PAGES TO PROOF! Goodbye!
    On Thu, Sep 24, 2009 at 8:57 AM, wrote:

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  26. I apologize, Deb Stone, or deb stone, as you so ee cummingsly like to call
    yourself. And thank you for sending me over there. He is my new hero.
    On Thu, Sep 24, 2009 at 8:57 AM, wrote:

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  27. It was me! *self satisfied shrug*
    I knew you would love the Penguin blog. See how needy I am – commenting to say it was me when, really, couldn’t I just enjoy that you loved it. Perhaps you could ask his permission to put the pic of the bearded monkey at the top of this post. The ironic bearded monkey.

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  28. I thank God every day for my aunt who is always good for giving advice you haven’t asked for or needed yet, but she told me when I was about 10 to never, ever shave any chin hair just pluck it. I have a few friends that foolishly shaved and now THEY are dark like man. I also have a few chin hairs, that are white blond, but the same as Laura B., one profile cast in full sun and it’s OVER. Larry Bird over here. I carry tweezers in the car so I can check it out in the sunshine. Then I get rid of the nonsense.
    I’ll bet your Uncle Jim had some very encouraging, loving words for your predicament that bolstered your self-esteem. Why do I have a feeling you might get a razor for Christmas?

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  29. When I was young and knew it all I would make fun of my mother for freaking out over her chin hairs. I wasn’t smart enough to realize those things would be hereditary.

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  30. Must you always say comment-of-the-week-worthy things, Steve Not Beth? By a
    whisker. Okay. I will stop commenting on my comments. Must work. Fifteen
    pages of chemistry.
    On Thu, Sep 24, 2009 at 8:46 AM, wrote:

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  31. And speaking of things we discussed yesterday, Paula, I can’t remember who
    suggested I look at FU Penguin (and I apologize but there were a lot of
    comments yesterday). Oh.my.shattered.ass. I laughed so hard both Tallulah
    and Marvin came in to check on me. Everyone Google “F U Penguin” and you’ll
    get to the blog.
    On Thu, Sep 24, 2009 at 8:43 AM, wrote:

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  32. If some of you want to talk about an ex “One Day at a Time” star, I would prefer it be Valerie Bertinelli. Although Schneider would be more appropriate as his moustache would compare nicely to June’s.
    One thing I like about this blog is that I have heard (or seen in June’s case) that all the female bloggists and commenters are hot.
    Unfortunately, in the voting for “hottest followship”, this group will lose by a whisker.

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  33. I’ve mentioned before that I am the anti-hirsute, but I sometimes get this one bright white sproingy hair shooting out of my cheek. (On my FACE. Pervs.) I’ll get ready for work, makeup, primp, preen, NOTHING. I get to work, there’s a freaking curb feeler sticking out of my face like I’m a 50’s muscle car. WTF. So I have travel tweezers.
    Speaking of unwanted hair, I took a quick look at Blurbomat last night and I stand corrected. The maintenance of that site and Dooce would certainly be considered a job so my mental image of Jon lounging around in his pajama pants and Crocs all day, tossing edamame at the dogs, has been revised. Now in my mind’s eye, I include his laptop.

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  34. I’ve mentioned before that I am the anti-hirsute, but I sometimes get this one bright white sproingy hair shooting out of my cheek. (On my FACE. Pervs.) I’ll get ready for work, makeup, primp, preen, NOTHING. I get to work, there’s a freaking curb feeler sticking out of my face like I’m a 50’s muscle car. WTF. So I have travel tweezers.
    Speaking of unwanted hair, I took a quick look at Blurbomat last night and I stand corrected. The maintenance of that site and Dooce would certainly be considered a job so my mental image of Jon lounging around in his pajama pants and Crocs all day, tossing edamame at the dogs, has been revised. Now in my mind’s eye, I include his laptop.

    Like

  35. I’ve mentioned before that I am the anti-hirsute, but I sometimes get this one bright white sproingy hair shooting out of my cheek. (On my FACE. Pervs.) I’ll get ready for work, makeup, primp, preen, NOTHING. I get to work, there’s a freaking curb feeler sticking out of my face like I’m a 50’s muscle car. WTF. So I have travel tweezers.
    Speaking of unwanted hair, I took a quick look at Blurbomat last night and I stand corrected. The maintenance of that site and Dooce would certainly be considered a job so my mental image of Jon lounging around in his pajama pants and Crocs all day, tossing edamame at the dogs, has been revised. Now in my mind’s eye, I include his laptop.

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  36. At least it’s only your upper lip. For years I’ve been telling my mother I should live in the Alps with a chic named Heidi because I am a billy goat. I have to pluck or wax chin hair. It doesn’t matter that they’re blond. A profile shot in the sunlight and it’s all over. And no, I’m not at “that time in my life”. I can’t even imagine when my hormones are gone what a hairy beast I will become. Sad thought.

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  37. Thank goodness, no more talk about Dooce. Finally something I can relate to, stray hair. I wax both my eyebrows and stache, but I found a stray hair on my chin once. My husband called me Billy for a month.

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  38. Whatever you do, don’t get your upper lip waxed (or ever again if you’ve already done it). It bruises the skin and when you go into the sunlight, the skin darkens and you have a dark skin mustache that will never go away.
    You can see that on some movie starlets in pictures. Lauren Conrad is one I can think of but there are others.

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  39. That’s all well and good, Juney, you’re OLD *snigger*. But my 7 month old daughter has a peach fuzz blonde mo. It’s only going to get worse. What is the correct age to start waxing a kid??? Hopefully 8 months…
    (Don’t stress, haters. I’m just kidding. I’ll love her as she is until she realises and complains herself.)

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